Inspired by Dawn....friend or parent?

[The Mystery Machine]

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I do think the more the kids love and trust you, the more likely they are to obey, just because they don't want to disappoint you or to lose your respect.

How is not wanting to "disappoint you" healthy? As a parent you are supposed to be the one that gets "disappointed" over and over until they mature into adults.

(Remember I had to parent my parent so I am asking nicely)

 

[wvjules]

Yah...I like thinking about it like that...parent first, friend second.

MysteryMachine, what do you mean you had to parent your parent?

 

[liamsaunt]

Well, I will say that I am a friend to my parents, but that only happened once I was older, got married, etc. Growing up, my parents were never my "friend." They mentored me, had expectations of me, and punished me when I was wrong. At the time I thought they were wrong, but hindsight is everything! In actuality, by sticking to their discipline, and making me to do so as well, they helped me grow into the happy person I am now.

Now that we are all grownups, though, my parents are my friends! We relate as adults, not with any family baggage, etc. My DH and I actually love to vacation with my folks, for example. We really all just get along and have fun. We are older than the kids I think some other posters have though (we're in our thirty mumbles, my folks in their late fifties).

My Mom jokes that I got all of my fighting out of me when I was a teenager. Well, I am glad we fought, and that she stuck to her guns when I was wrong or needed redirecting. So, be a parent now, and be a friend later, is my advice. It worked for us!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Both of my parents came from abuse. They did not have a clue and still do not to this day how to manage life properly.

 

[FreshTressa]

How is not wanting to "disappoint you" healthy? As a parent you are supposed to be the one that gets "disappointed" over and over until they mature into adults.

(Remember I had to parent my parent so I am asking nicely)

Well, I never wanted to disappoint my mother. I still don't. Just like I don't want to do things that would disappoint my husband or other people around me. I did not drink/smoke etc. In high school because it would have made my parents disappointed in me. I was never afraid of punishment, I was more afraid of disturbing my parents and I's trusting relationship.

Maybe it is unhealthy. I dunno. It has never bothered me though. I'm happy with my relationship with both of my parents.

Of course, my mother never had unrealistic expectations and was/is understanding. I can see how it would be unhealthy if you had parents that had unrealistic expectations (like wanting you to be a doctor, etc.)



To me, my mom, dads and husbands apporoval is important and that is a huge motivator to me to make good decisions.

Maybe in our individualistic society, we are raised more to make just ourselves happy, but that never really worked for me. I like being on the same page as the people around you.

And it is fine to just parent your children, and not be a friend. I agree that it is more important to parent children than be their friend. I just think you can be both.

 

[chobie]

On Dawn's thread there are a few comments about not being a friend to your kids, your job is to be their parent. IMO, that just seems so wrong. I want to be both to my DD. If she considers me her friend as well as her mom I think she'll talk to me about more things, not be afraid to share her problems, etc. Why does a parent have to be one or the other? What's wrong with being a parent and a friend to your children????

I agree with you about being both, but I don't care to get in a argument about it. I'll gladly hold up my kids to anyone else's in regards to behavior, social skills, school peformance and any other way we "judge" a a parent's performance.

 

[mickeyfan2]

While you are raising them you are their parent. For a child their friends are people in your own age bracket going thru the same experiences. A parent is a teacher, authority figure, helping hand and a person who cushions falls to make them a little less painful. A good parent will have the relationship with their kids that enables the kides to tell their parents things. Kids have more than enough friends but only two parents. Once they are independent adults than you can be their friend and parent too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm happy with my relationship with both of my parents.

There you go.........I do not respect my parents. So I can't have what you have. You are lucky.

 

[FreshTressa]

And, don't get me wrong....my mom, my best friend growing up, did know how to punish me when I needed it!

It was not often, but it happened!

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Many of the qualities that make a good friend also make a good parent--being "there", listening without judging, etc. But the parental role is much more important than the friend role when I child is growing up. And frankly, it's the harder of the two--as others have said, you can have lots of friends, but getting two decent parents is about your "limit" (and, like Mystery Machine, I have a dysfunctional parent. It can really skew your world view!).

Part of being a parent is knowing when to let a child stand or fall on their own, when to let them make their own decisions, when to pat them on the back and when to swat them on the tush (figuratively speaking, if you prefer). It's about doing what's right, not what's popular.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I and my DH are my childs parents. First and foremost PARENTS.

PS: Yes, a parent should be loving and caring and sharing. The OP sounds like she thinks the definition of being a parent means being some type of an Ogre or something????

I agree with the posters who see the deeper issues. How, underneath, in reality, the concept of a parent being a 'friend' is a very unhealthy situation.

It is NEVER healthy for an adult to expect a child to meet their emotional needs. I should not, and would not, ever expect my child to be a 'friend' to me. I should NEVER expect an 'equal' emotional give and take between me and a child.

My child should never grow up and live their life and make decisions based on fear of hurting my feelings. It can be difficult for a child to emotionally mature and 'individuate' from their parents if the parents have such expectations.

My DH was very close to his parents in this way, and I have seen the emotional carnage that was left behind.

It is all very clear cut to me. No question at all.

To the OP: Just why do you want your child to be your friend?

 

[chobie]

The botton line is you need to be parent the way you think is best, within the confines of the law of course. No one, especially here, is THE expert on children; just the expert on their own kids as are all of us. YMMV

 

[wvjules]

I and my DH are my childs parents. First and foremost PARENTS.

PS: Yes, a parent should be loving and caring and sharing. The OP sounds like she thinks the definition of being a parent means being some type of an Ogre or something????

I agree with the posters who see the deeper issues. How, underneath, in reality, the concept of a parent being a 'friend' is a very unhealthy situation.

It is NEVER healthy for an adult to expect a child to meet their emotional needs. I should not, and would not, ever expect my child to be a 'friend' to me. I should NEVER expect an 'equal' emotional give and take between me and a child.

My child should never grow up and live their life and make decisions based on fear of hurting my feelings. It can be difficult for a child to emotionally mature and 'individuate' from their parents if the parents have such expectations.

My DH was very close to his parents in this way, and I have seen the emotional carnage that was left behind.

It is all very clear cut to me. No question at all.

To the OP: Just why do you want your child to be your friend?

First, that's hardly what my OP made a parent sound like.

Second, why do I want my child to be my friend? Its more that I want her to consider me a friend (a difference IMO) B/C I think there is more to parenting than setting rules and disciplining. That doesn't mean that I will condone partying, smoking, sex, etc. It simply means that I want to have a close relationship with her so that she feels that she can come to me with anything and everything.

Like I said earlier, I think we're all pretty much on the same page. We all just have a different definition of "friend" when it comes to our children. I don't mean friends in the sense of hanging out and partying with her, doing drugs and stuff like that. It doesn't mean there aren't rules or consequences to not obeying them, nor does it mean that I'm not respected by DD as a parent. Like others have said, parenting does come first.

I think we're all friends to our children, just a little confused on what the definition is.

BTW, why the harsh tone in your post?

 

[buddy&wooz]

I think I understand where the OP is coming from. I absolutely am a parent to my kids, but that doesn't stop me from having fun with them and and acting as a friend as well. I don't feel like I always have to be The Mom in the sense that I'm lording it over them. They know the rules, they know I'll follow through on the consequences if they break them, but beyond that, we have a great time together.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm perfectly happy with my role of just being "Mom."

I have two completely different relationships with both of my kids. I'm a lot closer to my DD, but that could never equate to a true friendship in my book, because I can't (and won't) rely on her the same way she can rely on me. I'll never be able to tell her my deepest secrets, nor should I. I'll never be able to go to her for advice, or cry on her shoulder about very personal issues. That's what I require from a friendship.

On the other hand, my friends will never completely and totally own my heart the way my kids do, so the "Mom" role wins hands down.

 

[chobie]

I think this is more about attaching a certain label to your style of parenting. I said I'm both, becasue I think some people would view some of my parenting syle as more in the "friend" category. However that is not accurate description. I am a parent, but there are many aspects of my parenting style that are "friendly".

 

[Feralpeg]

Well, DD says I am her best friend. She tells me I am a "cool" mom. I don't worry about whether or not I am her friend. She knows I love her and will always be there for her. We mutually respect each other. She knows that I have the final say on things, but I always listen to how she feels about something. Sometimes, I give a little. Often, I don't, but she knows why. Our communication is very good.

Maybe I am just lucky. I have very few problems with DD. While I totally believe that parents need to parent, it breaks my heart when I hear one of DD's friends talk about how she hates her mother. It takes so little effort to talk to children. So many parents talk, but they don't listen.

 

[disykat]

It simply means that I want to have a close relationship with her so that she feels that she can come to me with anything and everything.
QUOTE]

To me, that falls well within the "parent" definition. IMO, a friend relationship implies both parties do that. I definately don't go to my child with anything and everything.

I agree it's mostly semantics here. However, I've read many posts here in the past where people seemed to me to be too "friendly" with their kids. Saying things that are basically "I hated that when my parents did that, so I don't make my kids do that because I don't want them to hate me".

 

[Laurajean1014]

Friend and Parent - it can be done.

 

[belle_of_the_ball]

my mom does both

it needs to be a healthy balance.

if i break the rules..shes not my friend shes my mother and I better not screw up again

but if im going for an audition or whatever shes right by me as my best friend.

its like having a best friend only better cuz you live with them. My mom probably knows more of my secrets than my friends do.

you can do both,her doing both makes me the well rounded person I am