INCREASINGLY, ALIENS ARE CREATING HALF-ASSED CROP CIRCLES
Farmers Bemoan Lazy Space Creatures Shoddy Workmanship
In M. Night Shyamalans new hit movie Signs, Mel Gibson sees a crop circle suddenly appear in the cornfield behind his shingled farmhouse, igniting a supernatural mystery.
But to most American farmers, crop circles are becoming a major annoyance, as lazy, careless aliens increasingly leave their cornfields without completing an attractive design making the farmers wish the little green slackers had never landed in the first place.
Some might call what Ive got in my cornfield back there a crop circle, says Bud Fortenson, a farmer in eastern Idaho. I call it a big old mess.
Aliens landed in Mr. Fortensons cornfield last June and began creating what the farmer thought would be a really neat crop circle, Mr. Fortenson said.
But after two weeks of working on the crop circle, the aliens got bored with their work, complained that their backs hurt, and abruptly departed leaving Mr. Fortensons corn field severely mutilated, a far cry from a completed crop circle.
It looks like a guy just got drunk and went nuts with a John Deere out there, Mr. Fortenson said. If thats a crop circle, then Im Liza Minnelli.
Half-assed crop circles are increasingly becoming a serious nuisance in rural America, says Dr. Phyllis DeVore, who studies half-assed alien phenomena at the University of Minnesota.
Just because theyre intelligent, that doesnt mean aliens are intrinsically hard-working or conscientious, Dr. DeVore says. Its just as likely that theyre capable of doing a half-assed, slipshod job.
Dr. DeVore said that many half-assed phenomena in the world today might actually have been the work of lazy aliens, including CBS short-lived Bette Midler sitcom and the 2000 Gore campaign.
****Borowitz Reports****
Farmers Bemoan Lazy Space Creatures Shoddy Workmanship
In M. Night Shyamalans new hit movie Signs, Mel Gibson sees a crop circle suddenly appear in the cornfield behind his shingled farmhouse, igniting a supernatural mystery.
But to most American farmers, crop circles are becoming a major annoyance, as lazy, careless aliens increasingly leave their cornfields without completing an attractive design making the farmers wish the little green slackers had never landed in the first place.
Some might call what Ive got in my cornfield back there a crop circle, says Bud Fortenson, a farmer in eastern Idaho. I call it a big old mess.
Aliens landed in Mr. Fortensons cornfield last June and began creating what the farmer thought would be a really neat crop circle, Mr. Fortenson said.
But after two weeks of working on the crop circle, the aliens got bored with their work, complained that their backs hurt, and abruptly departed leaving Mr. Fortensons corn field severely mutilated, a far cry from a completed crop circle.
It looks like a guy just got drunk and went nuts with a John Deere out there, Mr. Fortenson said. If thats a crop circle, then Im Liza Minnelli.
Half-assed crop circles are increasingly becoming a serious nuisance in rural America, says Dr. Phyllis DeVore, who studies half-assed alien phenomena at the University of Minnesota.
Just because theyre intelligent, that doesnt mean aliens are intrinsically hard-working or conscientious, Dr. DeVore says. Its just as likely that theyre capable of doing a half-assed, slipshod job.
Dr. DeVore said that many half-assed phenomena in the world today might actually have been the work of lazy aliens, including CBS short-lived Bette Midler sitcom and the 2000 Gore campaign.
****Borowitz Reports****
