In-laws- Vent!!

[kkmcan]

My MIL and FIL used to live in Virginia and they started bugging us to let our then 7 year old dd fly out to stay with them for a week. I was totally against it as I didn't want my little girl flying by herself. No one else felt the same way They kept calling and pressuring my husband and I kept saying no. They eventually gave up after several years in a row of trying.

Fast forward to today. SIL asked my now 11 year old dd to come and stay with them for a week next summer in Denver. I again do not want her flying by herself and to top it off they have a cat. DD is very allergic to cats and has to be medicated at all times around cats. She gets puffy and itchy within 1 hour of being in the same house as a cat. Now I've got to start all over again with no, she can't come. To make matters worse SIL brought up this idea in front of dd. She didn't ask me first privately. I hate when people ask things in front of the kids when they don't even know how we would feel about it or if it would work out time wise etc. I've got to be the bad guy and put my foot down.

I'm sick and tired of going thru this!! No means no, people. Now leave me alone!

I don't want to put my dh up for the firing squad here but I already know he doesn't feel the same way as I do and he never did before either about her going to Virginia. But then again, he's one who likes to live on the wild side. He doesn't see the problem with her flying alone.

I just needed somewhere to vent. Sorry it's so long.

 

[Todd&Copper]

How frustrating!

Did you mention to your DD that there is a cat in SIL's house, and she's gt all sick if not medicated? Would that take some of the sting out of you having to be the bad guy? [I.e., she wouldn't have a good time there, anyway]

I guess I am lucky in that I have a SIL who pretty much does not communicate with me much anymore, after she repeatedly stirred up trouble between my DH and his parents.

 

[mjkacmom]

My dd12 flew alone into NYC last year, and was fine. She drove out to OH with SIL and spent 2 weeks there, and rustic camping for a week (something mommy won't do ), and then SIL brought her to the airport, and stayed until the plane took off, and DH met her at LaGuardia. We'll be flying here there and back next year, too, so she can go on the trip.

That said, ds10 and I are very allergic to cats, and the fact that she might be miserable the whole time, and stuck there, would definitely make me hesitate - what does she think?

 

[MOREMICKEYFORME]

kkmcan-
I completely understand. I won't go into my story, but just know I understand. Stand firm. You have your daughter's best interest at heart. She may not know that right now, but she will in the future. It is unsafe to fly alone at her age, no matter what the airline offers (for extra payment) to "watch" her (please...).
I am proud of you for sticking up for what you believe, it's hard to do when you are facing a crowd! Stand strong.

 

[disneymyway]

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks but you and your husband. Come to an agreement between the 2 of you and don't worry about it anymore. They'll get over it. They raised their kids they way they saw fit and you have that same right.

 

[DisneyMomma824]

What age would be OK for you to get her go to the grandparents on her own? Maybe tell them that, and they will leave you alone.

 

[krcit]

I'm with you. I don't underdatnd why people(in-laws, friends) can't respect your decisions regarding your daughter. It is upto you and your DH and noone else. I had a SIL like that too. I just kept repeating myself until they got the message. Annoying.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I barely let my parent drive DD7 out of town, LOL! I am extremely over protective (and now I expect to hear volumes on how that is unhealthy for the child, etc...yada yada. THis is not about me but about OP so lets plese keep it on topic!)

This is YOUR child, not MILs or SILs. You and DH need to work together and come up with an agreement and not be swayed by the arguments of others. My mom is good at coming up with arguments also. She wants to take DD camping or to the mountains. Well I remember how well they watched me as a child (not at all) so there is no way DD is going anywhere like that with them!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

It's between you and your husband to decide if and when she will fly somewhere. But of course it seems that the two of you don't totally agree.

I can understand why she can't be in a house that has a cat. As far as flying to visit the grandparents, that I don't agree with you on (but of course it's not my decision). My DD flew across the country to see her grandparents when she was 6 1/2. Looking back I can't believe I let her do it and that she was willing , but she's 21yo now and looks back on those days with fond memories. Perhaps the grandparents can fly out to pick up your dd and you and your dh can fly to pick her up. Seems a good compromise.

 

[kkmcan]

OMG! Thank you so much for all the great responses. I'm sitting here in tears because I"m so happy someone out there understands. This whole thing stresses me out so much and it puts a strain on our very good marriage. There are few things we disagree about but this has been one of them.

I know dd doesn't understand now and that she will in the future but it's just so hard to always feel like the bad guy. I know I am overprotective. But I think it's just being a good parent.

I can't tell you how many ridiculous things the inlaws have tried to pull off. I'm trying to take the matter into my own hands since DH never gives them a straight answer- it's always "maybe" or "we'll see" or "i'm not sure yet".

I'm going to tell SIL- thanks for the invite but it really won't work- cats, airplane etc.

 

[kkmcan]

Perhaps the grandparents can fly out to pick up your dd and you and your dh can fly to pick her up. Seems a good compromise.

This was never an option as grandparents didn't want to spend the additional $$ to fly out and get her.

 

[ckret01]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I completely understand you not wanting to put your DD on a plane by herself. I can honestly say I would feel the same exact way if I were in your shoes and wouldn't compromise how I felt to make someone else feel better....just wouldn't happen. Don't feel bad about your decision, this is how you feel and it is your daughter and no one has a right to get mad or keep pressuring you into something they obviously know the answer to. They should respect your feelings and stop asking or stop putting you in this posistion. Very selfish of them.

 

[Talking Hands]

My MIL and FIL used to live in Virginia and they started bugging us to let our then 7 year old dd fly out to stay with them for a week. I was totally against it as I didn't want my little girl flying by herself. No one else felt the same way They kept calling and pressuring my husband and I kept saying no. They eventually gave up after several years in a row of trying.

Fast forward to today. SIL asked my now 11 year old dd to come and stay with them for a week next summer in Denver. I again do not want her flying by herself and to top it off they have a cat. DD is very allergic to cats and has to be medicated at all times around cats. She gets puffy and itchy within 1 hour of being in the same house as a cat. Now I've got to start all over again with no, she can't come. To make matters worse SIL brought up this idea in front of dd. She didn't ask me first privately. I hate when people ask things in front of the kids when they don't even know how we would feel about it or if it would work out time wise etc. I've got to be the bad guy and put my foot down.

I'm sick and tired of going thru this!! No means no, people. Now leave me alone!

I don't want to put my dh up for the firing squad here but I already know he doesn't feel the same way as I do and he never did before either about her going to Virginia. But then again, he's one who likes to live on the wild side. He doesn't see the problem with her flying alone.

I just needed somewhere to vent. Sorry it's so long.

I few alone by the yime I was 5 yo. My daughter flew without me at the age of 8 and we had no problems.
My concern would not be the flying but the presence of a cat with her cat allergy. Sorry but that would be my sole reason for a no. You do not expose a person who is highly allergic to cats to cats!

 

[m&m's mom]

OMG! Thank you so much for all the great responses. I'm sitting here in tears because I"m so happy someone out there understands. This whole thing stresses me out so much and it puts a strain on our very good marriage. There are few things we disagree about but this has been one of them.

I know dd doesn't understand now and that she will in the future but it's just so hard to always feel like the bad guy. I know I am overprotective. But I think it's just being a good parent.

I can't tell you how many ridiculous things the inlaws have tried to pull off. I'm trying to take the matter into my own hands since DH never gives them a straight answer- it's always "maybe" or "we'll see" or "i'm not sure yet".

I'm going to tell SIL- thanks for the invite but it really won't work- cats, airplane etc.

All right I do not mind being the lone dissenter. It honestly sounds like you are using the "overprotective" (when did that turn into a positive?) to be controlling. I wonder if this has something to do w/ the relationship you may or may not have had with your Grandparents.
I cannot even conceive keeping my DD away from her Grandparents- even if I had to fly w/ her myself if I would not let her fly alone. The relationship she could have had with her Grandparents can NEVER be gotten back. They are doing nothing but getting older and those memories are not being created.
I think you are hiding behind "her best interests" and being selfish.

 

[sorul82?]

Are there even non connecting/non-stop flights available? On Southwest, for example, children under 12 are not allowed to fly alone on flights with connections or that have 1 or more stops.

 

[ols386]

My kids are grown now, but I would have never felt comfortable with them flying alone when they were young. So I certainly understand your opinion on that. The fact that your dd is allergic to cats, would be another reason for her not going, and that's a legitimate concern. It sounds like you and your dh have differing views on the situation, and that makes it tough. Maybe if you could communicate to your dh just how STRONGLY you feel about your daughter not going, for the reasons you mentioned, he could be more supportive in dealing with your in-laws (who are his family), so that you don't look like the bad guy (which, by the way, I don't think you are the bad guy, but I understand what you are saying). Good Luck!

 

[padams]

The cat allergies are the issue. I understand OP has issues with the flying too, but someone who doesn't have flying issues can't relate to that one. No means no. OP, you need to explain the allergy issue to SIL, and your DH needs to back you up on the decision.

My MIL in the past year has had the idea of taking each of her 8 grandchildren on a trip alone with her. She wants to take my older DS, who is 13 and her oldest grandchild, to Thailand. For a variety of reasons, I'm not comfortable with her driving them around our city so Thailand is completely out of the question. I've said no several times but I suspect this topic is going to come up again. Like OP, my DH says to his DM, "maybe", we'll see", etc. My complaint to DH is that his non-committal response lets MIL thinks that we might actually let her take DS to Thailand.

 

[anniemae]

I totally understand about not wanting your dd to fly alone, I would not be 100% comfortable with that either. Maybe you could go with her and you and dd could stay at an inexpensive hotel near your sil? It may be a fun adventure and seems like a good compromise.

 

[DVC Jen]

I don't think you are being selfish or overprotective at all. I agree with you 120%.

Stand firm and believe in your gut.

AND - I honestly think it sounds like the in-laws are being the insensitive and selfish ones. Why would they want to put a child into a situation that could make her miserable - aka - the cat? Why would they mention this in front of the child before even talking to you?

In my opinion that is cruel and manipulative.

Hang tough Mom - you are doing the right thing

 

[wvjules]

Has your DD ever visited her Grandparents at their house? If not, that's kinda sad.