In-laws: gift equality or not?

[laughinplace199]

I am not an IL - but I can tell you that my parents do. Every year they still send me a check for my b-day and they send DH one for his - both are equal. Somedays I think they like thim better than they like me - LOL!

My in-laws do the same thing. DH always jokes that his mom likes me better than she likes him. So, we played a little joke on him. This year, on my b-day, she sent me a check for $30.00. Ten days later, on DH's b-day, she sent him a check for $29.99. It was so funny to see the look on his face!

 

[luvsJack]

I am the queen of "evening up". I worried about it when my boys were little, and I still spend waaay too much time and energy on trying to spend the same amount of $$ on each of them and their wives. I don't think they care, but I do. (I'll admit that it's a quirk of mine.)

I used to do that too! I would be wrapping gifts on Christmas eve and switch things around so each son would get an equal amount, drove dh NUTS. It became a really bad habit (or obsesseion, however you want to look at it). On birthdays I would write down everything I got one so that I could get equal for the other.

I finally realized that I was driving myself nuts! And besides, I was wasting money buying things they didn't want/use just to make it even. So that's when I made the decision to do the $100 each at Christmas, spent how they want and usually $50 on each son for birthdays and $25 on dils. (but I have spent more---for instance younger son and dil's birthdays are close so one year I got them tickets to an event and it was more than $75). Last year older son got a Saint's Championship T-shirt bought the night of the superbowl and shipped to him. It was less than I usually spend but the perfect gift.

So, birthdays are really about what I want to get them at the time, not about cost.

 

[MiniGirl]

My folks are deceased, and my in-laws are equal in how much they give dh and I -- nothing. LOL!!! Seriously, it is fine with us. His folks don't have a lot of money and we don't need more stuff. However, they love me and treat me very well. They will refer to me as their daughter and only correct themselves when people look at them funny because their son is married to their daughter. LOL!

I couldn't imagine having better in-laws than I do.

 

[Muushka]

My in-laws do the same thing. DH always jokes that his mom likes me better than she likes him. So, we played a little joke on him. This year, on my b-day, she sent me a check for $30.00. Ten days later, on DH's b-day, she sent him a check for $29.99. It was so funny to see the look on his face!

 

[bigbabyblues]

I feel that my ILs treat me the same as their kids and their spouses for Christmas, and birthdays. We each get a birthday dinner, no matter if you're a kid or an IL, etc. One year though, when I was the only kid-IL they had, my DH got only one pair of jeans for Christmas and I got a ton of stuff. Evidently, MIL thought she had ordered a couple of things and didn't realize they weren't there until Christmas Day when he didn't have anything else to open. SIL and I did the wrapping, and neither of us noticed it either. Oops!

ETA: My mom doesn't always spend the same amount on DH as she does me (we don't have Christmas with my brothers, only my parents), but she does get things he specifically wants and he's never felt slighted.

 

[TB'sWidow]

When Dh was alive my Mil treated us equally in that she never gave us anything. After he passed she now treats me & kids very well. Mary

 

[Acklander]

My MIL sends DH a check for Christmas and a check for his b-day. She doesn't send me anything (don't think she even knows when my b-day is) but DH and I have joint funds so it all goes in the same pot. My mom usually sends us a joint gift for Christmas, and nothing for B-days. As far as my DIL goes, I usually give her and DS each their own small gift to open, and give $$$ to DS to use as he wants - I assume it goes in their joint funds, but don't know for sure - they're young and live paycheck to paycheck so figure they just use it to pay on bills or a dinner out together or something.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

My mom treats her sons in law equally with her daughters, they are her family.

MY MIL, on the other hand, likes to be passive aggressive. She will spend $30/$40 on her son and then send me something I will never use under $10. This year the trinket still had the $8 price tag attached. She does this for my birthday because she mails it to me and it is not as obvious to others. She is kidding herself if she thinks her son doesn't notice and that it doesn't bother him. At Xmas things are a little more even because gifts are opened in front of everyone.

Depending on how she feels about them at the time she has done the same thing to her other kids' spouses.

I would not have a problem with $8, if that was what they could afford and they were fair about it.

Fair also doesn't mean down to the dollar every holiday - just being in the same ball park or averaging out over time.

 

[padams]

I am envious of all of you whose ILs spend equally. To the "equal" ILs, I hope your kids and kid-in-law appreciate you.

Not only does my MIL not spend equally between child and spouse, she doesn't spend equally between her kids or her grandkids. She has her favorites.

When I am the MIL, I vow to spend equally. I spend equally on my kids now.

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

I didn't mean to post and run! Thanks for all of the responses.

My family is all about even gifts -- almost to the obsessive degree.

My spouse's family, not so much. The responses have been enlightening.

Oh, and when and if our kids have spouses, things will be even for all.

 

[janets]

My MIL is not even. Since Chanukah was the most recent holiday, I know that she sent a check for $25 to me, and he told me that she gave him $50. His reasoning...he's "nice" to her. Please...if I didn't tell him to go see her, make sure he called her, had the kids speak to her, he'd never do it. He simply cannot remember that he hasn't seen her in 8, 10, 12 weeks.

She has Stage 4 ovarian cancer. She's doing well, but he doesn't seem to care if he goes to see her or not. Now she doesn't bother to tell him she needs him or wants him to come, so when she says she's fine, that's all he needs to hear. I told him that if she wants to play favorites, she can keep her $25 next year and give it to the kids.

 

[danalee]

I am a DIL and I can tell ya...My MIL is far from even! My mom on the other hand is.

for example this year my hubby got from his mom, a bunch of little stuff clothes and stuff like that I would guess in the ball park of $100 to $150 I got a can opener that was like $6 bucks!

Oh yeah my MIL is a real piece of work

 

[PrincesCJM]

I can tell you that my in-laws do not even treat their children equally, let alone their daughters-in-law. DH is the oldest of three boys. This past Christmas, DH and I got a $25 restaurant gift card and a home made POS snow globe from my in-laws. I'm sure that the other two got significantly more. I think my MIL spent several hundred of each of her two granddaughters. MIL seems to be constantly buying things for the granddaughters and her other sons. She seems to be always driving them around to places too (at 26 and 24 years of age - 24 year old does have a license). The two granddaughters have the same dad and my other BIL is now expecting in September. We are interested to see how this future grandchild will be treated. My in-laws have been struggling financially since MIL went out of disability because of her MS and almost seems to resent DH and I since we own our own house and take a vacation every year. We work hard and save our money to do so but they just don't seem to understand that.

 

[lisajl]

Well my inlaws never were "equal" with stuff. It's okay cause I never understood half the stuff they gave us.

This past Christmas we did not get anything from them. That is fine, they don't have money. Then while sitting around the table she gave her two daughters a lovely necklace and told us that she gave one to their other sister as well. Then they all looked at me..the only daughter in law. She said nothing.
I was okay with it because she is not my mother but I think my sisters in law were a little uncomfortable. My MIL kept saying things like, "well my daughters", "when they were young", etc. I think she became a bit uncomfortable as well, but I am use to her forgetting about me.
Like another poster had said if it weren't for me her son would never call, never go see them, etc.

For those of you with loving inlaws, please appreciate them. They are priceless.

 

[Blue Skies]

My Mom gives us and our spouses the same $ for birthdays and Christmas. Everyone is equal.

My in laws spend about 3x (or more) as much on my DH as on me. I am used to it, so it doesn't bother me. Plus, some things he gets I use more then he does, like his ipod I "adopted".

 

[etoiles]

As a daughter my MIL does Christmas gifts pretty equal but birthdays are not equal. DH always gets something much fancier. I am used to it and it doesn't really bother me since I know she thinks of him as her baby darling.

My mom does equal for DH and I for both occassions.

 

[skhermsmeyer]

My parents give DH and I both the same amount for b-day's, xmas, whatever. They keep it fair.

My inlaws on the other hand send my DH $50 for his b-day and NOTHING for me, not even a card.

I'm at the point now where I don't even care. I'm just glad they're 8 hours away!

 

[torinsmom]

My parents give DH and I both the same amount for b-day's, xmas, whatever. They keep it fair.

My inlaws on the other hand send my DH $50 for his b-day and NOTHING for me, not even a card.

I'm at the point now where I don't even care. I'm just glad they're 8 hours away!

Not even dishtowels?? I don't know which is worse---dishtowels or nothing.

 

[disykat]

This is where you can tell the difference between people who enjoy gifts and people who don't. (I'm not a gift person) Both sets of our parents are pretty equal with the gifts. I've always thought it was weird.

My parents like my dh, but I wouldn't say he feels like their son. My inlaws don't like me at all. It seems very strange to me that they're all "equally family" about the gifts. I definitely feel like DH is more his parents family than I am, and I'm more my parents family than he is. My parents give cash, so that's equal. That makes sense to me. My MIL out shopping for a bunch of stuff for me for Christmas doesn't.

I understand the reasoning that gifts could cause hard feelings that they want to avoid, but for me receiving the gifts causes me to want to roll my eyes and chuck them in the nearest river. I always think it must seem weird to my SIL, who has a very close relationship with her parents, to watch me get the same things they give her. I really don't think they need to do that.

 

[bdcp]

We'll been married 30 years this July. Both sets of parents have always treated us all equally. While it's interesting my MIL will pull out the "blood is thicker than water" crap every once in a while, but she does treat me as one of her own otherwise. My in-laws give me more money for my birthday than my own parents do, even though my parents have more they just have never been as generous. Oh well. We make more than them anyway(retired), but even before they retired our incomes were higher so we certainly don't need the money or gifts. I think trying to be completely equal causes more problems than not. When my sisters and I were growing up my mom would make us divide everything exactly the same, etc and all it did was make us notice when things weren't perfectly equal. My boys aren't the least bit concerned with it. I don't add up what I get each for Christmas, although it tends to be pretty close and they don't really care. It's more about what they need and want. Now, when they are married, my DIL's will be treated like family, period.