In laws and Facebook

[need2cruise]

I need some opinions/advice...anything!!

I have my inlaws on my Facebook. Recently, they friended someone who dh and I would rather not be friends with or have access to anything we post, etc because of past issues with this person (and these issues have been pretty ugly and have involved the kids--so very valid on not wanting them to see/know anything about us).

Well, my inlaws are tagged in various photos that dh and I have on our pages. Evidently this allowed this other person the ability to view some of the albums because they started calling and doing what they did to us in the past. So dh and I went in and untagged all photos/posts/etc to eliminate them from seeing our Facebooks.

So last night, one of the inlaws called going off because we untagged her and tampered with her Facebook by taking those pictures off her Facebook. Um......how did we tamper with HER Facebook?? Those are our pictures that we tagged you in, they don't become your property. If you want those specific photos, I will either burn you a cd of them or just right click, copy onto your computer and reupload them to your Facebook. It's not like we are not letting THEM access to our Facebook, just trying to decrease what all that other person can see on ours.

This caused a huge issue. Inlaw yelling and crying saying we are taking it out on her (forget that we untagged all mutual friends, she sees it as we are only doing this to her). She went in and deleted us and dd off her account.

We always have issues with this inlaw but always took the higher road with her. I am to the point now though, I don't want anything to do with this person. However, that puts dh in a situation since it is a close relative of his. I don't want him to make a choice, I want him to stay in contact with them if he wants to...but I want to limit MY contact. What is the best way to go about this?

Also, is there any way to tag people without others seeing everything in the album, etc?

 

[scrapquitler]

I need some opinions/advice...anything!!

I have my inlaws on my Facebook. Recently, they friended someone who dh and I would rather not be friends with or have access to anything we post, etc because of past issues with this person (and these issues have been pretty ugly and have involved the kids--so very valid on not wanting them to see/know anything about us).

Well, my inlaws are tagged in various photos that dh and I have on our pages. Evidently this allowed this other person the ability to view some of the albums because they started calling and doing what they did to us in the past. So dh and I went in and untagged all photos/posts/etc to eliminate them from seeing our Facebooks.

So last night, one of the inlaws called going off because we untagged her and tampered with her Facebook by taking those pictures off her Facebook. Um......how did we tamper with HER Facebook?? Those are our pictures that we tagged you in, they don't become your property. If you want those specific photos, I will either burn you a cd of them or just right click, copy onto your computer and reupload them to your Facebook. It's not like we are not letting THEM access to our Facebook, just trying to decrease what all that other person can see on ours.

This caused a huge issue. Inlaw yelling and crying saying we are taking it out on her (forget that we untagged all mutual friends, she sees it as we are only doing this to her). She went in and deleted us and dd off her account.

We always have issues with this inlaw but always took the higher road with her. I am to the point now though, I don't want anything to do with this person. However, that puts dh in a situation since it is a close relative of his. I don't want him to make a choice, I want him to stay in contact with them if he wants to...but I want to limit MY contact. What is the best way to go about this?

Also, is there any way to tag people without others seeing everything in the album, etc?

Given this in-laws reaction, I'd probably just unfriend her. I am at a point in my life where I just try to eliminate uneccesary drama from my life, and if someone reacts like that, I can't deal with it.

Then I'd let my DH deal with it, it's his relative, and I bet that this behavior is not something new.

 

[mom2travel]

Given this in-laws reaction, I'd probably just unfriend her. I am at a point in my life where I just try to eliminate uneccesary drama from my life, and if someone reacts like that, I can't deal with it.

Then I'd let my DH deal with it, it's his relative, and I bet that this behavior is not something new.

I agree with this. Life is too short to deal with drama queens

Have you checked that your photos are set to friends only? I think some settings changed with latest Facebook "upgrade". Although I think Facebook works so if you tag someone their friends can see the photo. If all your other photos are set to friends only this person shouldn't be able to see them though

 

[tlbwriter]

You can withdraw from this IL without asking DH to do so. Just back away. Don't answer the phone, don't respond to e-mails. Decline invitations. Be civil when you have to be together.

Also, have you already discussed this with your husband? Is there a chance that he would be happy to cut off or cut back contact with this IL as well?

 

[RadioNate]

Photos need to be set to "Friends Only" I believe the default is "friends of friends."

You could have avoided the untagging by BLOCKING the people you want no contact with. Just add them to your block list. Then neither one of you will exist to the other.

 

[goofinoff]

Given this in-laws reaction, I'd probably just unfriend her. I am at a point in my life where I just try to eliminate uneccesary drama from my life, and if someone reacts like that, I can't deal with it.

Then I'd let my DH deal with it, it's his relative, and I bet that this behavior is not something new.

I agree with this. Life is too short to deal with drama queens

Have you checked that your photos are set to friends only? I think some settings changed with latest Facebook "upgrade". Although I think Facebook works so if you tag someone their friends can see the photo. If all your other photos are set to friends only this person shouldn't be able to see them though

I agree with both of these. I would also BLOCK the person that your in-laws are friends with that you have issues with. That way they can't see you at all. They can't even search for you. I have done this for a few "friends of friends" that I really don't want anything to do with. Good luck!

 

[Wadecool]

Photos need to be set to "Friends Only" I believe the default is "friends of friends."

You could have avoided the untagging by BLOCKING the people you want no contact with. Just add them to your block list. Then neither one of you will exist to the other.

This is what you need to do OP. Blocking the person you're talking about will literally make it impossible for them to contact you on FB or even see information connected to you, including pictures, regardless of who is tagged in what. As far as that person is concerned, you will literally cease to exist.

 

[need2cruise]

There have been issues with this inlaw in the past. It is dh's sister. So a bit hard to get away from since they are so closely related. We have backed off so much in the past 5 yrs because of these issues. We have quit going to a lot of family events and only make the important ones. We used to all get together every few weeks to hang out, have dinner, etc. Those days are long gone because of her behavior. However, the times we are together, it just resolves in dh leaving and tense after dealing with her.

She never calls me, emails me, etc. She only contacts dh if there is something going on. However, she did on occassion post on my FB but usually just being controversial and argumentative to something I had written. When I am around her she is nice to my FB but not exactly friendly....if that is the right word. Like she will talk to me, but not initiate a conversation with me. Sometimes she will "not hear" me when I speak, etc. We used to get along GREAT the first few years dh and I were together. I have never figured out why it changed. She is this way a little towards her other sister, but not as bad as she treats dh.

My settings were all set to friends and actually customed to exclude some on my page that I didn't want to have full knowledge of our life. I have blocked this other person but they have changed their email and name on FB so the old ones were the ones that were blocked, not the new ones and I don't know the new email to block. I have also wondered if there was a fake FB created for spying purposes that I am not aware of the name.

This person is an ex of dh. They have a child together and she uses the FB as a way to keep in our lives and uses it to punish her child for having fun with the dad.

 

[RadioNate]

There have been issues with this inlaw in the past. It is dh's sister. So a bit hard to get away from since they are so closely related. We have backed off so much in the past 5 yrs because of these issues. We have quit going to a lot of family events and only make the important ones. We used to all get together every few weeks to hang out, have dinner, etc. Those days are long gone because of her behavior. However, the times we are together, it just resolves in dh leaving and tense after dealing with her.

She never calls me, emails me, etc. She only contacts dh if there is something going on. However, she did on occassion post on my FB but usually just being controversial and argumentative to something I had written. When I am around her she is nice to my FB but not exactly friendly....if that is the right word. Like she will talk to me, but not initiate a conversation with me. Sometimes she will "not hear" me when I speak, etc. We used to get along GREAT the first few years dh and I were together. I have never figured out why it changed. She is this way a little towards her other sister, but not as bad as she treats dh.

My settings were all set to friends and actually customed to exclude some on my page that I didn't want to have full knowledge of our life. I have blocked this other person but they have changed their email and name on FB so the old ones were the ones that were blocked, not the new ones and I don't know the new email to block. I have also wondered if there was a fake FB created for spying purposes that I am not aware of the name.

This person is an ex of dh. They have a child together and she uses the FB as a way to keep in our lives and uses it to punish her child for having fun with the dad.

You don't need someones email to block them on FB. You don't want this woman having access then it is up to you to block her or don't post anything she could "use against you" so to speak.

As for your SIL. I guess she is friends with the ex? Your SIL's relationship is with your husband. I wouldn't expect her to call you or be all buddy buddy. Sure that may be nice but it isn't a family requirement. She can be friends with whoever she wants to be on Facebook. I'd let that one go.

 

[HelenePA]

I have my in laws totally blocked from seeing me on facebook... we haven't seen them in 3+yrs there is no need for them to see anything I post about their grandchildren as far as I'm concerned...

 

[babyrich]

This is why I hate FB and these other social networking sites. My friends and my sisters have tagged me in photos and I untag them as soon as I notice and have told them to take any pictures of me down. If they want to post photos of themselves they can; but I dont want any of me up.

I do use FB to keep up with friends; but I rarely, if at all, post anything personal about myself.

guess I am a little behind the times.

 

[Alsobrook]

One of the inherent problems with things like Facebook is that while much of it is intuitive, many people do not know how to use it or how to use all of the features that would accomplish precisely what would have kept this kind of situation from unfolding.

Facebook, aka, "Tool of the Debil" shouldn't be used by people who don't take the time to learn its features and plan ahead. Once you start using it, posting pictures, tagging picture, or allowing others to tag you or allowing others to see you, or befriending every Tom, Dick, & Harry - whatever happens is pretty much on you.

 

[need2cruise]

You don't need someones email to block them on FB. You don't want this woman having access then it is up to you to block her or don't post anything she could "use against you" so to speak.

As for your SIL. I guess she is friends with the ex? Your SIL's relationship is with your husband. I wouldn't expect her to call you or be all buddy buddy. Sure that may be nice but it isn't a family requirement. She can be friends with whoever she wants to be on Facebook. I'd let that one go.

I had the ex blocked but she has still been able to somehow see pictures even before the new FB changes because we had some phone calls about them. We went in and adjusted some settings and changed people around in groups, etc to make sure that only family and very close friends were the ones viewing the pictures. No further issues until the inlaws added the ex back onto their FB's and the albums the inlaws were tagged in were seen to her.

I know she changed her email because she was communicating through email with us about various things and that email address is no longer valid and we do not have a new one. So I assumed that was what she did on FB, changed that email and why she is no longer under my block list. I have tried to block her by name, but her name does not appear in FB search so I am not able to block by the name, only email.

No, the sister in law was never friends with dh's ex. She HATED her when they were together. About 1-2 years ago, dh spoke up about the treatment between his first child and the child we have together and how the inlaws only acknowledge the first but not his second. It became very noticeable to the kids that they were being treated differently (even down to one would get b/day gifts, etc and the other didn't--they would go to one childs school functions but not the other, etc). Dh told them at that time that while he didn't expect them to be treated identical, they both are his kids and should be recognized as such. Since then, the inlaws have been trying to be friends with the ex so they can have the contact with dh's first child without having to interact with our child together. The ex picked up on this and has been using this to her full advantage.

I do not expect my inlaws to like me, contact me or be bff's to me. I only made that statement in response to another pp's question/comment about not accepting any future invites etc. I would much rather dh deal with the inlaws then me. He can say no to their requests and demands and I don't because for some reason, I still try to do things for them in hopes that things could change.

And I totally agree. She can be friends with whoever she wants on FB. But I also have the right to untag my photos that I do not want on her FB. She is the one who called and said that we didn't have that right to mess with her photos or tamper with her FB by untagging those photos and began this whole issue because of untagging pictures to protect my stepchild from being in trouble with the mom.

BTW-the stuff that the ex gets in an uproar & grounds over are things like, dancing in the house, dressing up at halloween, wearing a tank top to bed, being outside at dark, riding a bike on the street and having fun at Disneyworld (told us we were going to hello without the o over being at DW--its not a place that christians go).

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, in-law issues aside....
I just don't do Facebook.

Those who choose to live in glass houses....

Also, I think it has been shown time and time again that one can have no guarantee of security or privacy or control with Facebook. That's just the way it is.
That is the way the powers at be want it, designed it, and it will always be that way.

I wouldn't be putting myself and my personal info/photos/etc out there on FaceBook..... Wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.
To many horror stories.

 

[need2cruise]

This is why I hate FB and these other social networking sites. My friends and my sisters have tagged me in photos and I untag them as soon as I notice and have told them to take any pictures of me down. If they want to post photos of themselves they can; but I dont want any of me up.

I do use FB to keep up with friends; but I rarely, if at all, post anything personal about myself.

guess I am a little behind the times.

I have considered deleting my FB, however dh and I both have family all over the world (military families) and this is how we all keep in contact. It has brought me a lot closer to some members of my family, as well as his. I can also see my nieces and nephews who are in Germany and keep in contact with them and be close to them. They are always chatting with me and sending me stuff and asking for help/advise on issues in the teen world!

 

[LuvLuvLuv]

Well at least it's not just me that has this problem!!

FMIL has friended, unfriended, refriended and all this over again everytime she gets a little crazy in her head. If I don't answer within 10 minutes or ignore something she writes she goes nuts and asks if I'm mad, or tells me if I wanted to be left alone to say so... etc etc--crazy.

I always untag photos. I wish there was a setting to not have your photos tagged, but for now I just untag. I also set "friends only", and have even asked friends of mine not to tag me. My FMIL is so nosy that she'll follow a tagged photo to the other persons site, etc

I would also block the person who gave you problems. I'm sorry that happened to you!!

Good Luck!

 

[need2cruise]

How can I distance myself even more in this situation? She will be at the family Christmas's at the parents and grandparents houses. Do I just avoid going there? Send dh by himself? He will refuse to go if I don't go......but I don't think I can handle being around her anymore. She made her feelings pretty clear about us last night. I don't feel right by refusing and then dh staying home too and missing out with his parents.

 

[need2cruise]

Well at least it's not just me that has this problem!!

FMIL has friended, unfriended, refriended and all this over again everytime she gets a little crazy in her head. If I don't answer within 10 minutes or ignore something she writes she goes nuts and asks if I'm mad, or tells me if I wanted to be left alone to say so... etc etc--crazy.

I always untag photos. I wish there was a setting to not have your photos tagged, but for now I just untag. I also set "friends only", and have even asked friends of mine not to tag me. My FMIL is so nosy that she'll follow a tagged photo to the other persons site, etc

I would also block the person who gave you problems. I'm sorry that happened to you!!

Good Luck!

Yikes, that has to be rough dealing with your FMIL like that! I guess I should feel lucky that I am not expected to respond to anything and that they rarely post on my page! My MIL actually never does post to me. My SIL only does when she is passive aggressively trying to get her point across! I couldn't imagine having to deal with the 10 minute response time and answering the "are you mad" questions on top of that!!

I wish there was a way to not have tags too! Evena fter untagging photos last night, before SIL deleted me she was retagging herself in everything!

 

[Katy Belle]

How can I distance myself even more in this situation? She will be at the family Christmas's at the parents and grandparents houses. Do I just avoid going there? Send dh by himself? He will refuse to go if I don't go......but I don't think I can handle being around her anymore. She made her feelings pretty clear about us last night. I don't feel right by refusing and then dh staying home too and missing out with his parents.

As for Facebook... I'm not sure, but I think that if you have it set to Friends only, and then tag someone else... the tagged persons settings apply to that photo now. So if you tag the in-law and she has it set to friends of friends, it can now be very widely seen.

As for the above quote... My DHs sister has done things in the past that are very hurtful and in general, she is a rude, selfish person. I cannot stand her. Years ago, probably about 8 years, I decided I would "be polite" but that is all. I still attend family things that she is at, but I treat her like I would a stranger I just met at a party...maybe a little worse LOL. I answer her questions when she asks them, but I do not engage in conversations with her if I can avoid it. I try to be in a room that she is not. If she hunts me down and sits by me, I stay for a short period of time and find a reason to move on.

This has really worked for me. I still get irritated by her, but not to the point I used to. I just don't engage.

Not sure this will work for you, as your In-Law sounds like she might actively pursue things more than mine has. But it might be something that will work for you in the future.

Oh, we live about 300 miles from SIL, which helps too

 

[babyrich]

How can I distance myself even more in this situation? She will be at the family Christmas's at the parents and grandparents houses. Do I just avoid going there? Send dh by himself? He will refuse to go if I don't go......but I don't think I can handle being around her anymore. She made her feelings pretty clear about us last night. I don't feel right by refusing and then dh staying home too and missing out with his parents.

Let your DH make this decision. If he asks you to go, just go and be polite. If she starts in with you, than you can both leave.

My MIL never got along with her MIL or SIL, she would go to the family gatherings for my FIL; but she would sit in one room and avoid and confrontation. But her MIL and SIL would soon have to make comments. If she was too quiet, they would comment. If they felt she talked to much, they would comment. They would comment on her outfit, what she ate or drank. After a while my FIL told her to stay home, he realized it was very difficult on her and his mother and sister were not helping the situation. He didnt want her going through it.

I get along "ok" with my in-laws, I still think they have trouble believing their son actually left the house. I would never friend them on FB. Thank goodness they barely know how to use a computer!!