In-Law Vent

[LindsayDunn228]

Disagree -- we're both home by 5:15.

I would say no to the 7:00 because the time you need to get your baby calmed down and bathed and ready for bed......and you don't know how long they are intending to stay.....

I agree with this. 8 p.m. just wouldn't work and the OP told them that. I would just not answer the phone.

 

[Christine]

I don't think the inlaws are being shelfish.

Their plans didn't fit in with your plans.

When we have family parties for the kids, we just tell everyone what time to be at the house. If they can make it fine, if not fine.

I've never expected anyone to change thier plans to meet our needs. My sister and BIL feel the same way about thier kids.

If someone can't make during the party, they'll stop by a day or two later.

I just can't see getting upset over a two year olds birthday party.

Just because the grandparents didn't make the party, doesn't mean they don't "truly love" thier grandchild.

I agree with this.

Many parents, including myself at one time, think that the sun rises and sets on their child. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. Just remember that most grandparents have "been there and done that." They no longer think that a birthday party for a 2-year-old is a huge deal. They figure they can give the child a gift later. I don't think that makes them selfish (although they may be, I just don't know) but it just means that their weekend doesn't revolve around their grandchild's events.

 

[Disneyaunt4]

Just have to say that The Mystery Machine just used my favorite word "shenanigins" I just love that word. Also sounds like good advice. I cannot relate for the 23 years DH and I have been married his parents have been nothing but wonderful,they are like my second parents I just love them. No shenangins here.

 

[T1130]

We must have the same in laws because that is something mine would do to. I agree with you if you said 7 is to late. When my dd was that age she went to bed at 8. By 7 she needed to wind down get her pjs. And after she went to bed call me selfish I needed to wind down and the last thing I would want is guests.

I am also having a similair problem with my dd birthday party. This is the first year we are having my dd birthday party in one of those kids birthday party places. She is turning 5. We are having the party on her real birthday Aug. 15 which also happens to be mine and Dh anniversary. The party is from 4:30-6:30. My inlaws feel that we should have them and my husbands brother back to the house after the party. I am telling them NO the party ends at 6:30 and dh & I would like to be alone for our anniversary. Which I know they will have a fit over. It is not like they would ever volunteer to babysit so we could go out for dinner.

 

[Allison]

I don't think the inlaws are being shelfish.

Their plans didn't fit in with your plans.

When we have family parties for the kids, we just tell everyone what time to be at the house. If they can make it fine, if not fine.

I've never expected anyone to change thier plans to meet our needs. My sister and BIL feel the same way about thier kids.

If someone can't make during the party, they'll stop by a day or two later.

I just can't see getting upset over a two year olds birthday party.

Just because the grandparents didn't make the party, doesn't mean they don't "truly love" thier grandchild.

Okay, I agree with this too.

 

[janey99]

Ugh -

I feel your pain. May I suggest you visit the site

http://www.motherinlawstories.com

It is a fantastic site with forums for every type of narcissistic IL with a horrid sense of entitlement. Post a problem there and someone else has experienced it - it's very validating!

I'm a relatively new poster here, so if I don't have the right yet to post a link, and it gets deleted from my thread, go to motherinlawstoriesdotcom.

Don't let them bully you!

 

[kristen821]

I am sure this is something that happens a lot or the op wouldn't have been so upset. Hang in there op and don't let this bother you. I am sure you had a better time without them anyway!

 

[Mackey Mouse]

First and foremost I do hope your sweetie had a wonderful birthday..

You did not say.. or did I miss it, what time was the party scheduled for?

Second part of my question, do your inlaws work and it would be a hardship for them to get there before 7?

I do think 7 is late to come over and get the two year old all worked up when her party was earlier in the day and she has been celebrating it. I tried to get my children in bed by 8 at the latest and that was not always easy...

I did do family birthday parties on the weekend....we remembered the day on the day with the immediate family, and my Mom was always there, but for my in-laws, it was on the weekend so they could get there... I am talking a different time though, my youngest is 28. My in-laws were older when my children were born and needed a ride to come....so it was at my sil's convenience that I would have family birthday's on the weekends...

One more thought here, I was blessed with loving grandparents for my children and they are gone now.... we miss them every day...

 

[zalansky]

Janey99 - thanks for the link to that site, I am going to check it out now.

To the OP - don't let the in-laws get to you. I disagree with most posters here in that the grandparents I see these days try to be as involved as they can in their grandchildrens lives. So I can certainly understand your disappointment. The best thing to do is to not have expectations as to what they should be doing and when, and then you won't be let down. And as much as it stinks to give in, I would try and work with the IL's so that they can come over and see your DD for her birthday, because ultimately, she benefits by having them in her life. (even though you'd rather not and I am with you there, my MIL is rotten) Try and focus on your DD and DH and not worry about them.
to you.

 

[mtemm]

Happy birthday to your daughter!!! As for the 7pm bit, well, that would not work since my kids are in bed by 7. I suppose if they wanted to come over, be very quiet, and just visit with dh and I, but I sure wouldn't be keeping my child up or getting them up. no way.

No, they didn't necessarily have to rearrange their standing engagement with AC, I would cut them some slack there, but it would be nice if they could arrange a time to come when your child is still awake.

 

[Keli]

Honestly, this just sounds like one great big control issue to me. It would appear you are determined to get the in-laws to do things for your kids in the way, place, and time you want them to. They appear equally determined to do things for your kids in the way, place and time that pleases them.

First, no one wins in control wars. I've found the best way to deal with it is to back off. I try to not engage in the control issues at all. I mentally stand back and make decisions based on how I would act if I had no control issues with the in-laws at all. I've found that when I play straight and fair all the time with the in-laws that they don't try to engage me in control wars anymore. It ends the tit for tat thing.

Second, it sounds like the in-laws have issues with you (and/or your dh), not that they don't truely love their granddaughter. If you are in any way implying that to your children then you are doing them a disservice. In the end you may very well undermine the relationship between your children and the in-laws but the real losers will be your kids.

 

[BuckNaked]

Honestly, this just sounds like one great big control issue to me. It would appear you are determined to get the in-laws to do things for your kids in the way, place, and time you want them to. They appear equally determined to do things for your kids in the way, place and time that pleases them.

First, no one wins in control wars. I've found the best way to deal with it is to back off. I try to not engage in the control issues at all. I mentally stand back and make decisions based on how I would act if I had no control issues with the in-laws at all. I've found that when I play straight and fair all the time with the in-laws that they don't try to engage me in control wars anymore. It ends the tit for tat thing.

Second, it sounds like the in-laws have issues with you (and/or your dh), not that they don't truely love their granddaughter. If you are in any way implying that to your children then you are doing them a disservice. In the end you may very well undermine the relationship between your children and the in-laws but the real losers will be your kids.

Very well said!!

 

[jacksonsmom]

Anyway, it's just a shame that they are so self-centered because they miss out on SO much of their grandkid's lives.

I know how you feel.
I have in-laws just like that. We usually only see them once a year (Christmas time).
They won't drive up to see is because we "live to far" yet they will drive across country to the State of Maryland

I think they are mad that we moved so far away from them. We used to live in the cities, probably only 20 mins from them. Now we live about 60/70 miles outside city limits. We love it out here and have no plans of moving back to the cities any time soon.

In the beginning we would make a point of trying to visit them but it was ALWAYS a one-way road! They would never come up to see us. I hate visiting their house especially when DS was younger because MIL has all these breakable music boxes throughout her house. What 2 yr old kid would not be curious about a music box????
So we stopped visiting so much because the road DOES GO BOTH WAYS!

Anyway same thing happen a few years back with my son's birthday party. My DH's parents point blank said they don't "feel" like driving up to our place for a party. They even suggested having it THEIR place so they don't have to drive.
DH told him we are having the party at OUR place and if they want to come they are invitied. That is when FIL said "we don't feel like driving up there"

Now we don't even waste time inviting them.

I am sure your DD had a great Birthday party without them

 

[momof2inPA]

It's not high school graduation, it's a two-year old birthday party. If they couldn't make it, no big deal. Let the gradparents drop off the present at a time convenient for the both of you, no extra cake and singing and apologize if you have behaved rudely.

 

[scanne]

Many parents, including myself at one time, think that the sun rises and sets on their child. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. Just remember that most grandparents have "been there and done that." They no longer think that a birthday party for a 2-year-old is a huge deal. They figure they can give the child a gift later. I don't think that makes them selfish (although they may be, I just don't know) but it just means that their weekend doesn't revolve around their grandchild's events.

I don't think the sun rises and sets with my child. What upsets me is that my in-laws DO NOT work and only do things when it's convenient for THEM. They want the same relationship with my kids that my own parents have - however, my parents come over 2-3 times a week, take them places (bookstore, zoo, playground, etc.), take them on vacations...you get the idea. My in-laws give the kids their "freebies" from Donald Trump (b/c they are there SO often), only come over 1 time a month (IF that) and never take them anywhere. The real kicker? My mom and dad live in Philly - about 35 minutes or so away. My in-laws live 10 minutes away, 1 town over!!!

 

[BuckNaked]

I don't think the sun rises and sets with my child. What upsets me is that my in-laws DO NOT work and only do things when it's convenient for THEM. They want the same relationship with my kids that my own parents have - however, my parents come over 2-3 times a week, take them places (bookstore, zoo, playground, etc.), take them on vacations...you get the idea. My in-laws give the kids their "freebies" from Donald Trump (b/c they are there SO often), only come over 1 time a month (IF that) and never take them anywhere. The real kicker? My mom and dad live in Philly - about 35 minutes or so away. My in-laws live 10 minutes away, 1 town over!!!

If you don't think the sun rises and sets on your DD, then I really don't understand why you are so upset about them not coming to the party.

As for them doing things when it's convenient for them, so what? You want the party when it's convenient for you, right? There is nothing wrong with what either one of you is doing.

As for them wanting the same relationship with your DD as your parents have, again, why do you get so upset if they don't do what is necessary to make that happen? Their loss, not yours.

 

[scanne]

Honestly, this just sounds like one great big control issue to me. It would appear you are determined to get the in-laws to do things for your kids in the way, place, and time you want them to. They appear equally determined to do things for your kids in the way, place and time that pleases them.

The point is NOT a control issue - they do NOTHING for our kids. I mean, when my DS was a baby, my FIL offered to pick up some formula. Very generous. When he asked the brand, we told him. We didn't mention size - it came in two different sized cans.

When he brings it over he said, "Here's your formula. I didn't know it was so expensive. I'm not buying this for you again." So he offered, then complained about it.

There are other issues that run very deep between DH and his parents (and of course myself) but the ORIGINAL POST was just a vent and look what I got. Lots of lessons on control, being nice, apologizing for being rude and to "understand" that the sun doesn't rise and set with my child.

Gee, thanks.





A SINCERE thank you, though, to those of you who GOT that this was a vent and understand my POV that 7pm is just too late for a little one - and how my in-laws just can't see past the end of their noses. Believe me, I compromise MORE than my fair share!

 

[BuckNaked]

There are other issues that run very deep between DH and his parents (and of course myself) but the ORIGINAL POST was just a vent and look what I got. Lots of lessons on control, being nice, apologizing for being rude and to "understand" that the sun doesn't rise and set with my child.

Gee, thanks.

My bad - I didn't realize that we were only supposed to reply if we agreed with you and were willing to toss PD on you for having such horrible in-laws.

 

[disneyjunkie]

The point is NOT a control issue - they do NOTHING for our kids. I mean, when my DS was a baby, my FIL offered to pick up some formula. Very generous. When he asked the brand, we told him. We didn't mention size - it came in two different sized cans.

When he brings it over he said, "Here's your formula. I didn't know it was so expensive. I'm not buying this for you again." So he offered, then complained about it.

There are other issues that run very deep between DH and his parents (and of course myself) but the ORIGINAL POST was just a vent and look what I got. Lots of lessons on control, being nice, apologizing for being rude and to "understand" that the sun doesn't rise and set with my child.

Gee, thanks.





A SINCERE thank you, though, to those of you who GOT that this was a vent and understand my POV that 7pm is just too late for a little one - and how my in-laws just can't see past the end of their noses. Believe me, I compromise MORE than my fair share!

I understand what your OP was about, I just don't agree with your POV.

The ILs didn't show up for a two year olds birthday party, ok fine.

Now if you had posted that they missed a sweet sixteen, bat/bar mitzvah or high school graduation, then I'd be able to understand you being upset.

We don't get to dictate how family/friends spend their time and money.

 

[scanne]

My bad - I didn't realize that we were only supposed to reply if we agreed with you and were willing to toss PD on you for having such horrible in-laws.

I guess I was raised with the mentality that everyone's birthday is important - whether it's a 1st birthday, 5th birthday or 100th birthday. And when it comes to my in-laws, if you forget THEIR birthday, you are in for it. So why not give my DD the same treatment they expect for themselves???