Imposing house rules on invited guests

[Shutterbug]

Another question?

Does your sister make you take your shoes off too when you visit?

*sorry couldnt resist*

 

[Beth76]

It isn't about sex, it is about setting an example for the kids of the house and showing them what is expected of them (you sleep in the same room with someone when you are married.) Even if her kids know of your current agrangment, allowing it to happen under the walls of their family house is setting an example that it is ok.

Yes, but this is different. These are two adults, not teenagers. When her children are adults it's OK for them to share a bed with another adult. The sister may not like it, but it's not her choice.

As HappyMommy said this is an interesting topic. Who gets the respect, the host or the guest?

 

[totalia]

I think a better question would be since when is a married relationship any more valid in this day and age than a long term boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people never get married.

 

[HappyMommy2]

Yes, but this is different. These are two adults, not teenagers. When her children are adults it's OK for them to share a bed with another adult. The sister may not like it, but it's not her choice.

As HappyMommy said this is an interesting topic. Who gets the respect, the host or the guest?

Some people don't believe that it is any more (or at least nor much more) okay for unmarried adults to share a bed than unmarried teenagers. Sounds like the sister falls into that category, and if she is truly trying to train her child according to that belief, I can see why she would be requesting the separate sleeping arrangements.

I am up way too late. All this talk about beds, foldout couches, futons, etc. is making me very sleepy!

 

[disykat]

I removed my post so I don't start a whole different debate!

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

I have a question to those of who refuse to allow unmarried visiting friends or relatives sleep in the same bed. What if your friends or relatives were gay or lesbian an not allowed to marry? What if they were together for 20 years or longer and came to your home? Would you seriously make them sleep separately?

 

[auntpolly]

There are 2 different questions here:

Would you make people sleep in 2 separate beds if they aren't married? (No, I wouldn't - I don't.)

Can you be expected to sleep where people tell you to sleep if you are a guest in their house? (Yes, you're a guest. Don't be a guest if you don't like where they put you.)

If you have some kind of philosophical difference of opinion with your host, then resolve that before you arrive.

 

[Viking]

No offense meant, but it appears to me that some people have obviously missed that they live in the 21st century

BTW,
do married people 'doing it' produce different noises than unmarried ones. Being married for nearly 12 year I can't remember

 

[auntpolly]

No offense meant, but it appears to me that some people have obviously missed that they live in the 21st century

Yes, and a large part of them would be parents, grandparents, elderly aunts, and people with religious beliefs that differ from mine. Is it more important for me to make a point and insist on insulting them, or, if I like them enough to stay in their home, rough it and sleep where they want me to sleep?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have a question to those of who refuse to allow unmarried visiting friends or relatives sleep in the same bed. What if your friends or relatives were gay or lesbian an not allowed to marry? What if they were together for 20 years or longer and came to your home? Would you seriously make them sleep separately?

I guess the host and guess should work that out before they arrive.

I know noone who fits the description on all accounts...and I am sure that within the next 20 years, my brother will have more rights to look forward to that will make this a nonissue.

Viking:

No offense meant, but it appears to me that some people have obviously missed that they live in the 21st century

What does it matter what the calendar says?--if I invited a couple over to stay over...I will work out whatever is necessary so that I am not compromising myself and my beliefs in order to accomodate my guests.

This is etiquette for crying out loud. Regardless of the date chivalry isn't dead and respecting your hosts wishes regarding their home is still an "in" thing to do.

....The host invites someone, they accept or decline the invitation. Nothing wrong with inviting unmarrieds and asking if they would mind if they slept in separate accomodations. A rude person would say "yes, I mind" and they very well may see the invitation revoked. A polite person, no matter how weird the request is, would say "thank you for asking, no problem". And if it is a problem they say "If it is going to be a problem, we can just stay at XYZ". Now, after I pose my "weird" request--I would do other things to offset that by being extra accomodating in other capacities, but I do not wish people in my home imposing their beliefs or lifestyles that are contrary to what we are raising in our children. I do agree that you shouldn't spring it onto them as they are unloading the luggage from the car, b/c that would be rude of the host.

Imposing is different than not accepting, so please don't misunderstand me. Being accepting of what someone does is different than having it imposed upon you. If I accept an invitation to someone's home...I'm not going to ask that they hide their beliefs or lifestyles to accomodate me, b/c that would be rude and inconsiderate on my part.

 

[auntpolly]

This is etiquette for crying out loud. Regardless of the date chivalry isn't dead and respecting your hosts wishes regarding their home is still an "in" thing to do.

You are so right about this being a question of etiquette - but I'm not so sure about whether or not it's dead or not. I really wonder if anyone cares about manners anymore.

I've been watching these threads lately about being a guest in other people's houses. I think this is why I haven't enjoyed my houseguests much for awhile (there was the HS friends who let their kids walk all over my furniture, the cousing that complained about my coffee, and the other friends that just were generally unpleasant about everything we had planned for them.)

For me, it's not whether or not you should wear your shoes inside on the carpet, or whether or not you should sleep with your boyfriend -- but about seeing another person's side of things for 2 minutes. Nobody is asking you to change the way you think - just to try to consider someone else besides yourself while you are at someone's home.

When they are at your home, they should do the same.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

This has nothing to do with the OP's question. Obviously, a person has a right to ask people to do whatever they want in their own home...

But...

I have to say I am really shocked at how many people find my lifestyle to be immoral. I've lived with my BF for years, and I never have any intent of getting married again to him or anyone else (been there, done that, never need to go there again). I also have no intent of ever being with anyone but him ever again.

We are not wild sex machines, sorry to dissapoint those who think an unmarried long term couple can not "hold off" for a few nights. Um...In fact, and I'm sure this is TMI, we are probably less so than most of our married friends because we get up early, have a long commute, work 8 hours, have another long commute, come home, he makes dinner while I train our dogs, take care of household duties (which are all shared), relax by watching tv and quite frankly by the time we get to bed, we are too tired to be the ravaging love fiends that people seem to think we must be because we are "living in sin".

It's not about sex. It's about accepting that we are not married and never will be. All of the children in our families know that we will never be married and they know we live together and sleep in the same room (except for the ones who are too young to even notice such matters). If you want to raise your child to think that we are horrible, sinful, immoral people than by all means, go ahead. That is your right. But I also have the right to not want to stay with someone who insults me and my morality.

We live in a committed relationship. We are not religious people so for us aside from the legality of signing the papers, we are essentially the same as every non religious married couple we know (except, oddly enough we fight less, and our relationship has outlasted at least two marriages of people I know). Our married friends (and unmarried friends but primarily married since most of our friends are) routinely ask us for relationship advice.

Yes, respect does go both ways. I absolutely respect other people's religions. I get mad when people don't respect other people's religions. But that does not mean I have to be willing to change my life just to stay at your house. I'd stay at a hotel, but I also tend to think that someone who can't accept me for who I am and always will be is going to want me to stay with them anyway and probably would not want to be friends with me.

JMHO.

 

[auntpolly]

Yes, respect does go both ways. I absolutely respect other people's religions. I get mad when people don't respect other people's religions. But that does not mean I have to be willing to change my life just to stay at your house. I'd stay at a hotel, but I also tend to think that someone who can't accept me for who I am and always will be is going to want me to stay with them anyway and probably would not want to be friends with me.

JMHO.

I don't think you have to change your lifestyle, either - or aplogize for it. When people come to your home, you have no obligation to change anything for anyone.

 

[Viking]

Yes, and a large part of them would be parents, grandparents, elderly aunts, and people with religious beliefs that differ from mine. Is it more important for me to make a point and insist on insulting them, or, if I like them enough to stay in their home, rough it and sleep where they want me to sleep?

How come that the term 'bigotery' is appearing between the lines of so many posts here

 

[binny]

It may be ridiculous to you, but not to your sister. She is trying to raise her kids a certain way and may not feel comfortable with you two in the same room. My DH and I lived together before we got married and I can see your point. However, I can now see your sisters point. SHe is trying to instill something in her kids that she believes in and if you sleep in the same room and not married that she is not going with her belief. Then your sister is not setting a good example for which she believes in. Did you get that? It is hard to explain in writing.

Thank you that is what I was trying to say. By holding off I wasnt just refferring to sex I was reffering to sleeping together in general.

I dont think it should be sprung on someone but I do think there should be enough respect for someones house and their beliefs that it really is a non issue. If you dont like the rules you can politely say " thank you for the offer but I think we will stay at _____ hotel, Ive always wanted to try their pool"


and Viking, we all live in the 21st century the date has nothing to do with the values someone holds.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I don't think you have to change your lifestyle, either - or aplogize for it. When people come to your home, you have no obligation to change anything for anyone.

I agree with that. I am 100% behind anyone asking anything of people in their own home.

I'm sorry for the rant, it was not directed at you or anyone else. I just read through the rest of this thread this morning, and honestly, I was so insulted and shocked over some of the morality comments that I needed to let off steam. Sorry.

 

[Charade]

This strikes me as nuts! You are clearly of age and in a long term comitted relationship--it's rude and petty to ask you to sleep apart. I would be hugely offended by this--the very act of asking this implies judgement and disapproval. Not only would I not being staying with them, but I would definitely reconsider associating with them.

I have a different view of hospitality. When you open your home to someone, it's not to impose your moral values on them. My goal when entertaining guests and friends is to make them as comfortable as possible, not to pass judgement on their lifestyle. I don't buy the argument that children would be adversely affected by this--if they've ever turned on the television this is not news to them. They'll either be too young to draw any conclusions or old enough to learn that different people have different sets of values.

Good luck with this--whatever you decide!

 

[auntpolly]

I agree with that. I am 100% behind anyone asking anything of people in their own home.

I'm sorry for the rant, it was not directed at you or anyone else. I just read through the rest of this thread this morning, and honestly, I was so insulted and shocked over some of the morality comments that I needed to let off steam. Sorry.

Oh, heck - no need to say you are sorry. I was just trying to say that I don't think you have to live a lie for people. And I don't think people have a right to be judgemental with how you choose to live your life.

 

[auntpolly]

How come that the term 'bigotery' is appearing between the lines of so many posts here

I'm not sure that I understand - I'm the bigot? My 80 year old aunt is the bigot?

You want me to tell my 80 year old aunt she's a bigot because she grew up in a time when this kind of thing wasn't done and would be truly shocked and offended by it in her home?

You want me to tell my sister, who has young children, and does not believe in premarital sex that she is a bigot? That she has no right to say what goes on in her own home?

Maybe I've misunderstood, but I think we have to really consider who is being the bigger biggot in these situations.

 

[vettechick99]

Let me get this straight. It's ok for the neice to sleep at your home when you are babysitting where I know you aren't sleeping in different rooms? But when you come to her house, you have to sleep apart?

It's one thing to never agree with a lifestyle, but to "allow" it when it benefits you???? Sounds like a double-standard.

If I was the sister, I'd allow the long-term couple to sleep together and just pull the kids aside and explain the deal. I guarantee this won't be their first experience with un-married couples living together and if she wants them to wait until marriage for sex/living together, now's a great time to instill that.

At the same time, it's a great opportunity to teach tolerance of other people's lifestyles.