I'm so sick of feeling like I have to buy gifts for people I don't ever see..

[Birdie dog]

Feeling a bit grinchy, and wondering if this will be the year...

I am sick and tired of buying gifts for people I don't really have a relationship with: even if they are family.

Example one, BIL and SIL (x 2) live in the same town as me. I can't remember the last time we've visited, had lunch or gone to each other's house. WHY am I buying a GC that my husband will drop off and they'll probably send back a GC of the identical amount just to do it? I don't dislike them (BTW) just don't have a relationship with them.

Example two, sister who lives far away. We're not close. I rarely see her. The last time I flew up to the state where she lives ( my oldest daughter lives 30 minutes or so from her) she didn't even stop by. She doesn't show up at my daughter's parties for her children etc.

Example three, (this one is the hottest button for me) other sister.. We were close. Now, not at all. I actually called her last night, on my way from work, no answer, no call back, haven't heard from her in over a month. She's the one (of these examples) who is actually hurting my feelings.

I'm seriously thinking of not buying for any of them. Not exactly because of money but because it takes the joy out of buying for the people I want to buy for. I don't want to feel obliged.

Now, before you think I'm a total Grinch, if you are important to me, I LOVE to buy gifts for you. From my kids to my work secretary (who I love and totally has my back) I'll buy nice things because I want to. Last year, I told my husband that I knew it was extravagant, but I knew she'd been looking at them and couldn't afford one so I got her a Kindle and Amazon cards for it. Not because I *had* to or was obligated to but because I wanted to. My two best friends also get large gifts. So, I'm not "I only want to buy for immediate family". I just want to buy who I want to buy for.

What do you think?

 

[ktate82]

I don't blame you at all and feel the same way. We have gotten to where we don't buy for those people we don't have a relationship with or see often. I would rather put my effort into getting gifts for people I know will appreciate them and mean something to.

 

[Iowamomof4]

My siblings and I mutually agreed to cease gift-giving among each other. We buy for our parents and they buy for us and our kids, that's about it. I think it's up to each family to decide what works best, but if you don't want to buy gifts this year it would probably be best to give those people a heads up if possible, otherwise they'll go ahead and get you the gc and you won't reciprocate and it'll really look bad. Just a thought.

 

[Gr8t Fan]

Feeling a bit grinchy, and wondering if this will be the year...

I am sick and tired of buying gifts for people I don't really have a relationship with: even if they are family.

Example one, BIL and SIL (x 2) live in the same town as me. I can't remember the last time we've visited, had lunch or gone to each other's house. WHY am I buying a GC that my husband will drop off and they'll probably send back a GC of the identical amount just to do it? I don't dislike them (BTW) just don't have a relationship with them.

Example two, sister who lives far away. We're not close. I rarely see her. The last time I flew up to the state where she lives ( my oldest daughter lives 30 minutes or so from her) she didn't even stop by. She doesn't show up at my daughter's parties for her children etc.

Example three, (this one is the hottest button for me) other sister.. We were close. Now, not at all. I actually called her last night, on my way from work, no answer, no call back, haven't heard from her in over a month. She's the one (of these examples) who is actually hurting my feelings.

I'm seriously thinking of not buying for any of them. Not exactly because of money but because it takes the joy out of buying for the people I want to buy for. I don't want to feel obliged.

Now, before you think I'm a total Grinch, if you are important to me, I LOVE to buy gifts for you. From my kids to my work secretary (who I love and totally has my back) I'll buy nice things because I want to. Last year, I told my husband that I knew it was extravagant, but I knew she'd been looking at them and couldn't afford one so I got her a Kindle and Amazon cards for it. Not because I *had* to or was obligated to but because I wanted to. My two best friends also get large gifts. So, I'm not "I only want to buy for immediate family". I just want to buy who I want to buy for.

What do you think?

So stop buying for them. It may take a year or two, but they'll probably stop buying for you too, and it will probably be a relief for them too.

 

[mommajo143]

My brother & SIL send us LISTS for their kids ... we live less than 30 min away & rarely see each other... I my brother but buying for my kids probably financially strains them. Similarly my BIL & SIL always want adults to exchange gifts, and because we barely know them we resort to gift cards to random places...This year I have told them, along with other 'extended' family we usually feel obligated to buy for, we are not buying gifts & instead are hosting a New Years day gathering - I've told them all we would really like to see them & spend time together...

 

[MomToOne]

I think this is about a LOT more than Christmas gifts.

You are clearly upset about your one sister. Is there a reason the relationship has changed? Or could it just be that life has gotten in the way temporarily? My sister and I are close. At some times, we'll talk multiple times per week. At other times, we won't talk for months. It's just because one or the other of us is busy with other things. But we are confident enough in our relationship that it's OK and there's no "hurt feelings" because of it. So it all just makes me wonder what else is going on there.

As far as you BIL and SILs go, what does your husband say? Those relationships are really his to maintain. Just because you feel you don't have a relationship with them, doesn't mean your husband feels that way. My brothers and I rarely talk - we exchange an occasional email here and there and I see them once or twice a year when I visit my mother - but they are family and I know they are there if I EVER need them. So if your DH wants to give gift cards, then give gift cards. Or if he wants to stop (not you), then stop.

 

[la79al]

Personally I really wish people would stop feeling obligated to buy stuff for me and my family because then I feel obligated to reciprocate. Except on that side of the family gift cards are not given and we only see them 2-3 times a year. So I get to take home something random and so do they. A lot of stress for no good reason.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I can totally understand where you are coming from and think it's completely up to you to stop purchasing gifts for those you don't really want to, for whatever reason that is. The feeling of obligation can def. take out the joy in gift giving. I hated when my past job made giving to charity essentially a mandatory thing; it really took out the good feeling I got for giving to charity.

The only thing is it might be it's a little bit late (Depending on your family) to tell them this year. Someone may have already bought something for you that's really the only thing I can think of is either telling them that after this year you're done or having told them a month or two ago. Obviously it is still your choice no matter what.

 

[Birdie dog]

My (not close) sister doesn't buy for me. (And that is totally not something that bothers me, but she has less $$ and I don't think she's sent a gift in a long time).

My other sister has always sent a thought (but usually a GC).

So, timing isn't the issue.

Both of my sisters make less $$ than I do, (by a good stretch) and that is NOT the issue. My DH asked what I wanted for Christmas this year and I had to think on fit for days because I really feel like I've got everything I want.

 

[hoffman1]

I kind of know how you feel. We decided a couple of years ago to draw names for the adults and everyone buys for all the kids (there are a lot). Some of these kids I only see at Christmas. I end up buying them gift cards. Not much fun in that. It is pretty expensive. We also do not have children.
And this year, the name I drew was of a step-niece (adult) I see maybe twice a year.
On top of that, I am pretty close to my sister and her family so she still wants us to exchange (we will do it a week before the big family gathering). So I am buying for the six of them (at least $50 each).
I just feel like I am tossing money to the wind.

 

[DisneyWorldbuff]

I totally agree! We live across the country from both my and my husbands families. We have been here for twenty years. They always get together for holidays with each other, travel to see one another's birthdays Etc... If I want to see any of them, they always expect us(family of five) to travel by plane to visit. I have been here for two decades and we have been visited twice by my husbands family( we actually paid for his parents' tickets). I'm tired of visiting them and doing nothing, sitting in the house, just because I am "supposed to". I feel obligated to buy gifts for people I rarely see or communicate with. I wish I could just stop the Christmas gifts too. I would be thrilled if no one exchanged gifts anymore. It's getting old.

 

[Disney_traveler]

On my dad's side of the family we started the Christmas game version of Christmas gifts where if you are going to be there you bring some kind of themed gift basket and then we draw.

HOWEVER.....
My cousin and her 2 sons live about 1.5 hours away. Throughout the year if the come down, the whole family is expected to drop what they are doing and come over. She doesn't watch them, bathe them, feed them, change their diapers while she is here, but expects our grandma to do ALL of it while she naps. My aunt (her stepmom) finally had to tell her to do something.

Anyways for the kids birthdays and Christmas it is an expectation to get the children something. For these events, it always turns out they can't make it on the scheduled get together day and instead come down unannounced, round up the presents, and leave.

 

[abcboys]

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about it this year about some family members. We still buy for husband's 2 brothers and one of them has 2 kids who are 18 and 15. One brother is single. I really want to stop buying for the brothers. I was thinking of messaging one of the brothers and see if he just wants to do the kids only this year and eventually even quit doing that. I am not close to his kids and he is not close to mine. We live fairly close but see each other just a few times a year. I don't see a point in it all and I know he is hurting for money also. My sister and I stopped giving years ago and just do the kids and its fine. I really don't need anything. Also I still buy for a couson who is the same age as my oldest (18) because his mom still buys for all mine. I really just want to pare it down. It gets riduculous.

 

[jenniy122]

Its such a ridiculous society pressure to buy presents for everyone we know. It's liberating when you stop!

 

[ldo]

I did it! This year, I sent an email to various family that we would be donating money to XXXXX instead of giving Christmas and birthday gifts and hoped that they would reciprocate by blessing others in lieu of gifts for us.
It was well received by all, except one, whom I didn't hear from one way or another. I feel so liberated! Wish I had done it sooner! Plus, think of all the good that extra $ can do for those less fortunate. We were to the point of exchanging gift cards and getting items that went straight to goodwill. I'd rather buy someone in Africa a bicycle and I think they would too.

 

[Birdie dog]

For years I've told my mother to donate $ to our local animal shelter instead of sending me gifts. She refuses. It's beyond silly when I need "nothing" and don't want anything either.

 

[usnuzuloose]

You are not obligated to buy anyone , anything. You do it because you want to , not because you have to. And you do not have to feel guilty. I may send a nice christmas card and that may be my limit.

 

[powellrj]

Just tell them you won't be exchanging gifts this year. Give them enough time so they haven't already gotten for your family. That's what we did. Now we just draw names of the people that will be there and have a $20 limit.

On another note, please don't donate to YOUR charity in my name. It may be one I don't want to donate to for whatever reason.

 

[crazylady]

I would talk to them. Maybe suggest doing something together in lieu of gifts. We started an adult's dinner out a few years ago and it works great. We don't have to buy gifts and get to spend some time together.

 

[belle032]

We told my fiance's side of the family not to get us anything at all this year. My fiance and I are doing a destination wedding next summer which we know will cost everyone a good chunk of money. We would rather them spend that week with us than giving us stuff we don't need.

I imagine my soon to be mother & father in law will completely ignore this request though. Last Christmas was ridiculous with gifts (new fireplace, firepit, shop vac, kitchen stuff, etc) and it is just something that is not needed this year.