I'm not even sure why I'm posting this...

[Pirate's Princess]

I just sometimes need to write it down to get it out of my head. I'm having such a hard time focusing and I have 2 finals tomorrow so I'm just gonna do it.

I don't know if I'm being melodramatic but I can't help but feel there is some truth to this. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 18 months. It seems so intense because we basically see each other every day since the start and spend most nights together. We love each other and talk about getting married and having children etc... (in a few years).

We're both 23, and he just graduated this december and I'm graduating in May. We both plan to be teachers. Currently I go to school, substitute teach and work at the mall. He just finished student teaching, is subbing and also works at the mall with me. We're planning on going to WDW in Jan, and hopefully in about 4 years to get married there. We both live with our parents (who are cool with us spending nights). He is financially independent (paying for his car, bills, clothes, etc...) and only is supported by his parents by them providing shelter. On the other hand, my parents support me tremendously, and I help out but am no where near independence.

Since he graduated, he can now focus on substituting in order to secure a job in the district he wants. He also is the Asst. Band Directer there and Color guard coach, so he's pretty busy. Last summer he got his bartending license and was figuring on finding a job now, so he can keep it over the summer (we live near the beach so summers are VERY busy). Next semester I made my schedule so I can sub more and we were both planning on quitting our mall job after the holidays, since it's craptastic and the bosses are not very nice (Like not allowing someone to go to the emergency room).

We were going to do it tomorrow, and he just told me his mom won't let him quit. Now I know I'm not fully aware of their financial situation but I'm pretty sure he supports himself only. I'm kinda upset that he's just like, Ok I'm going to do what my mommy says. I mean, we're 23. It's not like he'll be bumming around. Even if he was he's been working his *** off since I can remember, always working 2 jobs, full class schedule, triple majoring, (and of course last week she was yelling at him that he doesn't do anything), I mean we'd barely see each other if we were sleeping over. My mom is a supervisor so I can basically guarentee he'd sub every day, and he'd make more money doing so, and could still bartend/barback on the weekend. He makes crap money at the mall and it's not worth the hassle. I feel kinda left just hanging there because now I have to choose to stay (so I can at least spend more time with him) or to quit.

I calmed down about it but I feel like we've just been playing this dream of us being together and being adults. I mean if you can't even stand up and say no I hate this job, I'm quitting it, and I have a better one, to your mother who doesn't even support you financially, nor you her, I don't know. I feel like we're just pretending, playing one big game of house. We're merely children, how can we love each other this much and be on this path of marriage and children of our own. I know I'm still young, but 23 isn't that young. I thought i had this plan for my future and I feel like it's merely a game. We're not a man or woman, rather a foolish boy and girl. I felt like we were this team, but we're not. He has his life and I have mine and maybe it's not meant to be together. We're not a family yet. He has to obey his and I do mine, so how can act like we are one unit. I feel so stupid and foolish to think we were more. This is just such a painful realization and I'm crying as I write this. I've always had problems jumping into things and I really thought I did better now, but I haven't changed. I'm in a reality that doesn't exist, and it just really hurts leaving it.

Ok that's my long crazy rant and I'm sorry that I took time from your day who, if anyone, read this.

 

[mickeyboat]

It is going to be o.k.

Don't take this as a flame, as it is being spoken as gently as it can be.

In my honest opinion, though, you are blowing this way out of proportion. Yes, you say he is financially independent, but being under his parents' roof is not completely independent. He is still strongly tied to his parents. They pay for his lodging, food, electricity, phone, fuel, etc.

There are a lot of parents who feel that if their child is living under their roof, the child must live by their rules. This may be one of those cases.

Also, did the mother not allow him to quit, or did she strongly suggest he not quit - or suggest he wait to quit until a better time? Do you think your boyfriend is taking her advice, but blaming it on his mother because he knows you will not like it?

Take a deep breath and re evaluate when you have some time to think about it. It's not the end of the world or the end of your relationship because he did not go with your plan. It doesn't seem to me like it affects you or your relationship except that it is not what you wanted him to do.

Denae

 

[p2oh]

No real advice just

 

[Pirate's Princess]

I know he's not doing what I want him to do, but it was his idea to quit in the first place. I'm sure I am overreacting, but I do feel like maybe I am taking this relationship too seriously. By no means, do I think it's over or that it should be, just maybe we need to stop taking about our futures and rather focus on the now.

And thanks for the hugs.

 

[Sleepy]

Yes, you say he is financially independent, but being under his parents' roof is not completely independent. He is still strongly tied to his parents. They pay for his lodging, food, electricity, phone, fuel, etc.

There are a lot of parents who feel that if their child is living under their roof, the child must live by their rules. This may be one of those cases.

These were my thoughts exactly. There are also parents who believe even when the child is paying a portion of utilities and rent, they must still follow the rules.

 

[believe]

Unless your boyfriend is planning on moving out he probably thought it was best to go with the 'suggestion'. Did his parents pay for his college? I have to agree with Mickyboat, he is not financial independent until he is out on his own without any support from his parents.

I went to school full time, worked 2 part time jobs, volunteered and dated my now husband. I had to quit working out in order to make time to date. DH also had to come to my work if he wanted to see me. I can tell you that I did nothing when it came to helping around the house. I bet this is what his mom is referring to. Honestly I understand you wanting time with him, but if he is going to live 'free' in their house he should help them around the house. I regret that I didn't help out more, even with my little bit of free time.

Maybe he doesn't want to quit and is using his mom as the scapegoat

 

[Pirate's Princess]

He does help out around the house and he paid for his college, fuel, etc.. himself.

I get he should abide by their rules, but I don't understand why she'd feel that he can't quit the mall job, he's going to be subbing every day instead. It just seems very illogical...stay at the crappy job you hate, with no benefits, very little pay and no job advancements, or work the one where you make more, where you can be contracted (if you get a maternity leave) with benefits, and the one that will help you land the job and career you want?

And I guess I'm just upset because I thought I have an input in his life (BY NO WAY am I saying I want to control it), and I realized I don't.

 

[Mkrop]

I agree with pp that he is not totally independent yet. Maybe she told him he needed to stick with the steady mall gig until he finds steady work. Where does his health insurance come from? Maybe she doesnt like the idea of him working in a bar. No offende to those that do but MANY people cant handle it and get sucked into more partying and drinking. This happen to my former BF and she left her husband and children to hang with her bar friends more. I know if my 23 year old son told me he wanted to bartend I would be less than thrilled.

 

[Pirate's Princess]

He already put in the $350 for the training course last summer. She should have said something before he invested in it.

And subbing basically would be a steady job since I'm friends with numerous principles who could put in on their top 10 list. I get called in every day, even when they know I'm unavailable and I'm not nearly as qualified as him!

 

[Barbossa]

Marriage, family, and children will present much more difficult challenges than this. If you two really love each other and are true friends and soulmates, then you'll find a solution to the issue, even if it's to simply let it pass. Good luck!

 

[Kath2003]

Firstly, calm down.

Secondly:

Move out.
Move in together.
Or rent with friends.
Seriously, if that's how his parents "are", then he needs to stop living there. If my parents told me I couldn't quit my job (when I had a new one lined up), I'd laugh at them. If they told me I couldn't quit my job (when I didn't have a new one lined up), I'd still do it. Advice is one thing, dictatorship is another.

To be honest, if he's 23 and still living with his parents and you are too, it'd probably do you both some good to get out and live independently of your parents and each other for a while. Have some fun! Live a little!

Oh and by the way you evidently have some control over his life if you're engaged to the guy - my boyfriend turns pale whenever I or anyone else mentions the word "marriage"! Ha ha!

Hello from another 23-year old student teacher with a boyfriend of 18 months by the way! Mine lives 10 minutes walk from my house, works full time as a programmer and in January I'm moving 50 miles away for 6 months...it could be worse

 

[Pirate's Princess]

PS Thank you guys for the kind words of advice and gestures. It really means a lot to know there are people out there who care and are willing to help.

 

[momof2inPA]

Are you sure you're 23? Your posts seem younger.

 

[Pirate's Princess]

Are you sure you're 23? Your posts seem younger.

Ouch, that was kind of nasty.

 

[Camicar]

The side of the story we are missing is his.

WHY did he agree to his mother's demands?

That is the key question. Possible scenarios:
Is there a rule in their house that as long as you are staying here, you must obey my every demand? Even if it is stupid and counterproductive?

Did he agree with her stupid idea that a mall job is better than a job in his field which could lead to full-time employment?

Does he disagree with her about it, but knows she will kick him out if he doesn't comply (and he feels he can't afford an apartment on his own)?

Is he so afraid of conflict with his mother that he always gives in to her? (This is a VERY important question to answer before you invest more time in him.)


I would have a serious discussion with him as to his reasons for surrendering to his mother and then decide how his reasons and pattern of behavior might affect our future. Dating and engagements, after all, are designed to ascertain if this person is a good life bet. Sometimes, continued exposure to a person shows that they are not a good bet, sometimes they are, and sometimes they can be if changes are made. You have to figure out into which category this boyfriend fits and this situation is giving you pause for a good reason. Fully investigate it.

 

[Kath2003]

For the record, perhaps there's more to this than it seems. I know my boyfriend wouldn't let me set up a job for him - it's a male pride thing. Equally I wouldn't let him do the same for me - but I'm stroppy

Maybe he likes his job, but he didn't want to let you down because you agreed to "quit together". Maybe he thinks that if you're both subbing, it'll be too intense, working together and socialising together too?

 

[luvmyboys]

Are you sure you're 23? Your posts seem younger.

Uncalled for.


to the OP. I may have missed this, but have you sat down with him yet and asked him point blank why he is going along with his mom's seemingly illogical demand? Maybe there's more to it than you know about at this point?

I also agree that perhaps, if at all possible, you should move in together. Since you spend most nights together, surely your parents wouldn't object. IMHO, there is no truer test for compatibility than living together before getting engaged. Love isn't everything! You have to be able to stand living with each other, and be on the same page about major life decisions/goals.

I do respect that since he lives with his parents, they should have some sort of say in his life, but I don't believe that includes making career choices for him.

 

[Pirate's Princess]

We work at the mall job together, and we'd most likely be subbing at different schools. Currently we do work together and socialize together and that's probably why I feel this intense closeness to him.

No I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him about it yet. When he first told me I needed a little time to take it in, and he got a little frustrated I wasn't saying much. Then he had to go to Color Guard practice and is unreachable until about 6. So that's bothering me too, that we really haven't discussed it.

 

[Acklander]

He's the one who has to come to terms with when it's time to defy his mom, and go his own way. It's not something you can do for him, and it's not a team effort, he has to do it on his own. Don't worry, give him a little bit of time, he'll get there when he's ready. In the mean time, you can be supportive by giving him the time he needs to come to grips with it. It's really hard to tell someone's attitude on a message board, but some of your comments come off as demeaning (i.e. about doing what his mommy wants, not being a real grown up, etc....) If you're just venting here, that's one thing, but if this is the message and comments you're sending him it might come back to bite you in the long run. There's a way to be honest without being hurtful.
Give it a bit of time, If he's serious about wanting to quit the mall job, it will happen, you nagging him about it will make him feel like he's leaving the controlling situation with his mom just to be stuck in a controlling situation with you. That's never a good feeling.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

?????

You are both 23 and living at home..And your complaining that his mother will not let sonny boy quit? Look at the situation. He is not going to jepordize his comfortable living arrangement by disobeying his mommie. And SHE will continue to control his life by making decisions for him.

Face it, if you want control of your life and make your own decisions, you both need to move out. otherwise, its an illusion that you have the freedom to choose!

I would almost bet that BOTH sets of parents, if asked, believe that their children cannot make decisions because they are not independent enough, and/or dont have enough experience.

Enjoy the silken cage!