I'm just amazed that parents don't care what their kids listen to...

[luvmyfam444]

You're saying your dd won't be exposed to objectionable things, but wasn't the whole point of your post that your dd was exposed to Lady Gaga when she went to her friend's party and the other girls were singing the lyrics at the top of their lungs? And if all her friends' moms are like you and don't allow this music, how did all these girls know the songs?

What happened after you pointed out the lyrics to the other mom-did she turn off the cd? Did you allow your dd to stay at the party or was this at the end of the party, in which case they'd already listened to the cd.

I actually don't think it's wrong to censor what our kids listen to/what we buy for them, but I think it is better to be aware of what is our there and discuss why it's objectionable. I really think it is impossible to totally shelter them from things, unless they are under house arrest

I was saying my dd wouldn't be exposed to the music in the examples that were listed previously. The friend that gave the gift is a new friend of dd - someone she has just met this year from school. She actually wasn't gonna be invited - I just told dd she could invite how many she wanted this year & I didn't have to know their mom this time. I kinda wanna see who all her friends are - this is the 1st year I don't know "of" all the kids in her class (since she's in mid school)

I asked dd if she knew the words to the songs to the songs & how she knew them - she said there was a group of them that learned them from each other that are in girlscouts together when they had their camporee. My dd learned from them just singing Papparazzi @ school - since its quite a simple song to learn the chorus. She had not heard it with music until the party.

DD did stay at the party - it was a slumber party so it wasn't over.

DD told me today that the CD was thrown away

 

[luvmyfam444]

I just want to be clear to the many PPs who do censor what their children listen to: While it is not what i would do, I completly respect your right to do so and, honestly, any parent who is really paying attentnion to their kids and making informed thoughtful decisions about them (in any direction) is head and shoulders above far too many and gets kudos in my book. My issue with the OP is that she tried to censor what another parent allowed--and did so in a rude manner DURING a party at which her DD was a guest (not calling before hand and letting the mom know she wasparticularly catious about XYZ and would the mom mind doing her the favour of not doing XYZ). Also, the (apprently sarcastic) comment about throwing away a gift during a party bugged me.


At least one mom does not feel as you do at least in so far as she did not feel it necessary to preview lyrices before allowing a CD (at a party none the less) nor even to take the initiative read the lyrics after you said they were objectional--she only looked and did something after you forced her hand by going and getting the lyrics sheet yourself and handing it to her. Do you think any of the other friends' moms feel like htey have to say they censor everything to you becuase you are so critical those who do not.
Also, you said the girls were all singing along loudly in one of your first posts. How would your DDs friends be able to do that if none of them have been exposed to Lady Gaga before?
Also, are you truly that close to all of your DDs friends to even hoave that conversation? I certainly meet the parents of any house DD goes to--but i am not close to most of her friends parents at this age. SHe is old enough now to have her own taste in friends and not just hang out with the kids of my friends like she did as a preschooler. maybe you live in a small town where everyone knows everybody or somehting--but half the parents of DDs friends are far too busy with their own lives to want to get to be friends with me even if I were not in a similar boat.


You know you have said things like this before. I think you would find a lot more sympathy for your position if you were not so down right rude to thise who politely bring up other points of view or ask valid questions. This repeated attitude is part of what makes me wonder if you push your feelings on the parents of your DDs friends and then they say whatever they need to to placate you so they will not be called ridiculous, etc. ie--all your DD's friends' parents may not agree with you at all but they let you think they do so they will not be subject to you insulting them to their faces. Hopefully this is not the case, but I do wonder a bit based on your posts here. perhaps you are much more tactful in person.

Yes, I know the parents of my children's friends that I allow her to spend time with - naturally I don't know all the kids in her classes @ middleschool or their parents. She does not get to just go to anyone's house without me getting to know the family. I wouldn't say I'm friends with all her parents - yes I have their #s in my phone, yes I've been to their house -but we don't typically talk unless its about a get together - except for her bestfriend - 'cause that mom & I talk several times a week. I do not allow her just to go hang anywhere either.

So, I guess since I have made similar comments I am not a tactful person.

 

[lillygator]

I DD told me today that the CD was thrown away

oh geez.....

 

[luvmyfam444]

OP--here is another thought that I am putting out here with nothing but your DD's best interests at heart--I hope you will consider it in the intended manner:

My experience with tweens and teens is that the group at large tends to pity the kid whose parents are more resrictive than the norm. Those kids do not tend to lose friends becuase of it. However, when the parents begin to "tell on" the otehr kids or start causing the other kids to have more restrictave enviornments too--then the group at large tends to resent the one with the strict parents. Then the kid often looses friendships, gets ostracized or simply is not invited anywhere for fear that "mommy will show up and ruin everything."

I was thinking that if you got the lyrics sheet from the CD the girls were listening to then you must have gone into the room they were in to retrieve it and all the girls would know you were the cause of the music being stopped. If this is the case, for your daughter's sake you may want to treat ultra carefully for a while so that she doesn ot get a reputation as someone no one wants to have around becuase of her mom.

thanks

yes I was in the room - you walk right into it when you walk in the house - and the music was turned off right away anyway since it was cake time

 

[NHdisneylover]

DD told me today that the CD was thrown away

See, now I would be much more concerned with my DD spending the night with adults who are so rude (and mean really) as to throw away a gift a child gave their child at a time that the child and otehr kids would know that it happened than i would be about any song she might hear somewhere. THAT is a role model that would worry ME In my experience children are more likely to emulate REAL people they know in the long term than stars.

I am still a bit confused about how well you know the parents of friends DD is allowed to visit after school. Having been to the house and having the phone number is not (in my experience) the kind of close relationship which tells you what type of music or other media the person allows their children to listen to.

 

[NHdisneylover]

thanks

yes I was in the room - you walk right into it when you walk in the house - and the music was turned off right away anyway since it was cake time

Good. I am glad it did not come off that you were making that decision to the other girls

 

[luvmyfam444]

See, now I would be much more concerned with my DD spending the night with adults who are so rude (and mean really) as to throw away a gift a child gave their child at a time that the child and otehr kids would know that it happened than i would be about any song she might hear somewhere. THAT is a role model that would worry ME

I am still a bit confused about how well you know the parents of friends DD is allowed to visit after school. Having been to the house and having the phone number is not (in my experience) the kind of close relationship which tells you what type of music or other media the person allows their children to listen to.

As far as I know the parents didn't throw away the music during the party - so they other kids wouldn't know about it -

There are only a couple of kids my dd is allowed to visit - so its not real hard to know the parents & we've talked about such things. Heck I know if these girls have started their periods or not - but I'm not buddy buddy with the moms & we don't hang out together or anything - but we talk about things important to our kids when we do see each other.

The other MAJOR clue that they are attempting to raise their dd's with the same values as us is they are churchgoing families - that shows me that I can probably trust the families - its at least a good place to start. And no, just because they say the go to church somewhere doesn't mean there won't be issues down the road - or that bad things don't/won't happen in their house or that they are better than the other kids but that is something we use when deciding who dd spends her time with.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Gosh I'd be really flamed if you knew we "censor" their candy too!

 

[lillygator]

I guess church going families cannot appreciate music....can't wait for the upcoming posts in the years to come.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I guess church going families cannot appreciate music....can't wait for the upcoming posts in the years to come.

WHAT? who said that?

OOO - I'm glad I have a fan that has nothing better to do than see what I have to say on a message board in the coming years. Nice.

I find it amazing that people have the time to keep up with what I say - especially when I don't have a clue what I said in a thread 1 month ago - without rereading it.

I'm guessing though that means I may need to be careful 'cause that means someone probably knows where I live & could track me down since they pay such close attention -

 

[NHdisneylover]

As far as I know the parents didn't throw away the music during the party - so they other kids wouldn't know about it -

Well, your DD knows--so at least some other kids know about it.

There are only a couple of kids my dd is allowed to visit - so its not real hard to know the parents & we've talked about such things. Heck I know if these girls have started their periods or not - but I'm not buddy buddy with the moms & we don't hang out together or anything - but we talk about things important to our kids when we do see each other.

The other MAJOR clue that they are attempting to raise their dd's with the same values as us is they are churchgoing families - that shows me that I can probably trust the families - its at least a good place to start. And no, just because they say the go to church somewhere doesn't mean there won't be issues down the road - or that bad things don't/won't happen in their house or that they are better than the other kids but that is something we use when deciding who dd spends her time with.

I am curious as to when you will let your DD begin to spend time (outside of school) with friends who you do not know as well, or whose family values you disagree with. At what age do you trust her to handle herself and follow your values even if the friend is allowed to listen to music you disaprove of, or is not church going, etc.?

 

[allison443]

As far as I know the parents didn't throw away the music during the party - so they other kids wouldn't know about it -

There are only a couple of kids my dd is allowed to visit - so its not real hard to know the parents & we've talked about such things. Heck I know if these girls have started their periods or not - but I'm not buddy buddy with the moms & we don't hang out together or anything - but we talk about things important to our kids when we do see each other.

The other MAJOR clue that they are attempting to raise their dd's with the same values as us is they are churchgoing families - that shows me that I can probably trust the families - its at least a good place to start. And no, just because they say the go to church somewhere doesn't mean there won't be issues down the road - or that bad things don't/won't happen in their house or that they are better than the other kids but that is something we use when deciding who dd spends her time with.

I think it is great to know the parents of your dd's friends. I do the same. However, as you saw with this party, your dd went to her friend's house and there was music being played that you object to. Now you apparently approve of this parent who hosted the party, yet she allowed the objectionable music. Yes, even though she is a church goer and shares your values. So now will your dd be allowed to go back over there? Do you still trust this parent, even though in your words she was clueless and hadn't checked the lyrics?

Also, you may know the family where your dd will be...but there could always be a kid visiting there that you don't know, who may not share your values...it's important to teach our kids how to handle those situations. You really cannot totally shelter them by limiting who they visit, what movies/songs they see at home, etc.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Well, your DD knows--so at least some other kids know about it.


That's possible

I am curious as to when you will let your DD begin to spend time (outside of school) with friends who you do not know as well, or whose family values you disagree with. At what age do you trust her to handle herself and follow your values even if the friend is allowed to listen to music you disaprove of, or is not church going, etc.?

I don't know - there's not a magical age - probably when she lives on her own (college) - As long as she is in our house we will know something about the people she hangs out with. She'll never be allowed to knowingly go to someone elses house that goes blatantly against our values.

I don't believe in throwing her out to the wolves - "here, these are our values - have fun hanging out with Tracy in that liberal home where parties with drinking & sex is rampant but PLEASE PLEASE remember the values you were taught - even when you are tempted & are watching everyone else having "fun" all around you. Uh NO! My job is to keep her from those situations.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I think it is great to know the parents of your dd's friends. I do the same. However, as you saw with this party, your dd went to her friend's house and there was music being played that you object to. Now you apparently approve of this parent who hosted the party, yet she allowed the objectionable music. Yes, even though she is a church goer and shares your values. So now will your dd be allowed to go back over there? Do you still trust this parent, even though in your words she was clueless and hadn't checked the lyrics?

Also, you may know the family where your dd will be...but there could always be a kid visiting there that you don't know, who may not share your values...it's important to teach our kids how to handle those situations. You really cannot totally shelter them by limiting who they visit, what movies/songs they see at home, etc.

The daughter opened the present a few minutes prior to me getting there & the mom probably never saw the CD - he dd openend it & immediately put it in - so when I asked if she knew who L.G. was she had never heard of her - that's what I meant by clueless. She didn't knowingly allow the music.

And yep - dd was with her today & of course will be allowed to go to her house & all I can do is hope now she'll pay a bit more attention to things - and dd now knows I don't allow L.G> music. She had heard the song from the girls singing it at school (Paparazzi) but had never hear the music until the party.

Yes I can COMPLETELY shelter her from who she visits - I think I'm reading what you're meaning wrong there....I think you're meaning I can't shelter her from what goes on at someone elses house - right? Cause of course I can shelter her here. Yes, you're right I can't completey shelter her @ the friends house - that's why we're so adament on who she will be friends with.

 

[allison443]

Yes I can COMPLETELY shelter her from who she visits - I think I'm reading what you're meaning wrong there....I think you're meaning I can't shelter her from what goes on at someone elses house - right? Cause of course I can shelter her here. Yes, you're right I can't completey shelter her @ the friends house - that's why we're so adament on who she will be friends with.

Sorry, I don't think I stated it clearly...what I meant was of course you can control what she sees/listens to at your house, and you can control who she visits. But even so, there can be times when she can still be exposed to objectionable things...this party was a perfect example of that. Your dd went to the home of a family you know and trust, and even there she was exposed to music you find objectionable. You happened to walk in and the cd was turned off, but you won't always be there.

Also you said that you trust this other mom, and she shares your values. Yet you also said she was clueless and hasn't heard of Lady Gaga, and that's why she allowed the music. Don't you see, that can happen again, with a different cd or movie, even at the home of a family you trust?

 

[mjkacmom]

Yes I can COMPLETELY shelter her from who she visits - I think I'm reading what you're meaning wrong there....I think you're meaning I can't shelter her from what goes on at someone elses house - right? Cause of course I can shelter her here. Yes, you're right I can't completey shelter her @ the friends house - that's why we're so adament on who she will be friends with.

You choose who your child is friends with? My children chose their friends starting in preschool. If I find out that there are major red-flag issues in the child's home (happened once), I might go about trying to end the friendship, or limiting visits to our home. Again, this only happened once (ds11 had a friend in kindergarten who didn't use seatbelts, or helmets for bike riding, and the kid was a bully to other kids besides ds). We are not raising children - we are raising adults. Dd13 has had friends who have treated her badly in the past. It was a real learning experience for her. Turns out one girl ended up getting involved in a bad crowd. My dd found another group of wonderful kids.

BTW, although we don't censor anything, my kids attend Mass every single Sunday. We don't do drugs, smoke, or have any fire arms in the house. There is no domestic violence here, and all the kids are straight A students, and involved in sports, music, theater, and dance.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't know - there's not a magical age - probably when she lives on her own (college) - As long as she is in our house we will know something about the people she hangs out with. She'll never be allowed to knowingly go to someone elses house that goes blatantly against our values.

I don't believe in throwing her out to the wolves - "here, these are our values - have fun hanging out with Tracy in that liberal home where parties with drinking & sex is rampant but PLEASE PLEASE remember the values you were taught - even when you are tempted & are watching everyone else having "fun" all around you. Uh NO! My job is to keep her from those situations.

Interseting. I have a very opposing view. I feel it is best for my kids to increasingly have more and more experiences with various people and situations that might test their values while they are still living at home. That way I am there at the end of the day to talk with them about how to handle things. I think it is good to gradually learn how to handle pressure to do something you do not believe in (whether that be drugs or sex or jsut making off color jokes if you don't like to), and I think it is good to gradually learn what things you can let slide once in a while (like being arouind someone who curses but not doign it yourself, or watching a show at afriend's house that htey do not watch at home--something I have told my kdis they are allowed to do) and what things are worth ending a friendship over ("friends" who bully you into doing what they want, friends who continue to use racial slurs or make homophobic remarks while conversing with you--or while you are out together--even after being told it really bothers you and being asked to stop, for example). I don't want the "real world" to come as a shocking array of difficult choices that they have no prior experiences making all in one fell swoop when the go off to college, etc. The way I see it, it would be like if I always controlled everything my kids ate and I never allowed ANY sweets in my home ever and I only let them go to other houses where they were highly unlikely to be given sweets either. The nat age 18, having had maybe 50 servings of sugar in their entire lives they were suddenly in the dorms and had options like soda and cake and candy at every meal. I would guess they might not know how to handle it and would go nuts and eat sugar until they were sick. Not a great analogy I know, but okay to get my point across.
I also think there is great value in having friends and acquaintance who think differently than oneself (so long as everyone treats each otehr respectfully and kindly). As an example--I think you and I must have many, many differing values (though we both ove our kids dearly and want the best for them--thus common ground!) and I think our conversation here is a wonderful one and very valuable in thinking things through and learning from one another. I love it when my kids are freinds with very different kids from different cultures or religions, etc. I want them to know how to get along with lots of people and how to maintain their own personalities and morals among others (and how to do so respectfully).

I do have to say that I have not seen consitency myself between those who attend church regulary and those who do nto as to who the "nice" kids are I have seen many kids heavily invovled in church who are great kids, and many who are terrors. The same holds true for those who do not attend church at all.

 

[MushyMushy]

I don't know - there's not a magical age - probably when she lives on her own (college) - As long as she is in our house we will know something about the people she hangs out with. She'll never be allowed to knowingly go to someone elses house that goes blatantly against our values.

I don't believe in throwing her out to the wolves - "here, these are our values - have fun hanging out with Tracy in that liberal home where parties with drinking & sex is rampant but PLEASE PLEASE remember the values you were taught - even when you are tempted & are watching everyone else having "fun" all around you. Uh NO! My job is to keep her from those situations.

Um, "liberal home"?

 

[luvmy3]

Um, "liberal home"?

Liberal has many meanings, not all of them having to do with ones political views.

 

[NHdisneylover]

You choose who your child is friends with? My children chose their friends starting in preschool. If I find out that there are major red-flag issues in the child's home (happened once), I might go about trying to end the friendship, or limiting visits to our home. Again, this only happened once (ds11 had a friend in kindergarten who didn't use seatbelts, or helmets for bike riding, and the kid was a bully to other kids besides ds). We are not raising children - we are raising adults. Dd13 has had friends who have treated her badly in the past. It was a real learning experience for her. Turns out one girl ended up getting involved in a bad crowd. My dd found another group of wonderful kids.

BTW, although we don't censor anything, my kids attend Mass every single Sunday. We don't do drugs, smoke, or have any fire arms in the house. There is no domestic violence here, and all the kids are straight A students, and involved in sports, music, theater, and dance.

I agree that i find that notion jarring as well. I see myself as intrusted with raising a unique individual into a an adult who can handle him or herself and be a contributing memeber of society. I get to instill some of my values in this individual as I try to raise him/her to be the best she or he can be, but I feel obligated to repsect the inborn personality of my child and enourage that to grown and flurish--rather than to insist on olding that personality into the one i feel is proper. My children choose people they enjoy being with as friends. I could dictate who they spend time with but that would not cause them to truly be friends with someone they do not click with and I would never deny them the chance to build true and lasting friendships jsut becuase the family of a potential friend has different beliefs than I do.