I'm failing as a step-father

[taximomfor4]

Oh, Boomhauer, he we go with the "solo trip" thing again. She assures you over and over that the trips are okay, that she wants you to be happy, and yet, each time before the trip there is a huge deal made, she makes you feel like crap, and the whole "solo trip" thing comes up again?

Honestly, I do think you are just doomed with this woman. Instead of treating you as family, it seems you are always going to be the "outsider" with her and her son. This just seems like a no-win situation for you.

And, like C. Ann mentioned, she might be a "my way or the highway" person. That's what I'm thinking.

Christine, I was just thinking the SAME thing. Sounds like she might be a bit angry about your trip (there IS a pattern here, I have noticed from some of your other threads)...and is perhaps short-fused because of it. I used to get that way with DH when he just wanted out with his friends for a night, during baseball season (when he is already VERY rarely home). Oh, did I burn up. I even told him it was fine, but as the time for the night out approached, I started punishing him subtly. Now that I have taken TWO solo trips in order to decompress, I am much more understanding of his needs for time away. (Helps that he is no longer a baseball coach though, lol). I hoep that family/marriage counseling, perhaps a parenting class, can help you. But if it cannot, it cannot.

 

[reeddi]

I saw my sister do the same thing to a man she was with. She says she wants you to act the parent and be involved but since you don't do it her way (which she has probably never told what that way is) she gets mad at you. The son is going to see this situation and capitalize on it in the future. You two definately need to get on the same page for discipline.

As for you watching the baby, that is what the MIL is getting paid for not you. If my babysitter did that I would fire her. Especially for just running out on an errand - that will just have to wait till the parent picks up the child.

I too, think family therapy would be best for both of you. It gets everything out in the open and allows frank conversation. HOWEVER, be careful of the therapist you use. Also, is she the type to hear only what she wants to hear and are you? IF so, nothing will help you guys until you truly want to try.


Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Just because he has a ton of vacation time does not mean that he should automatically be choosing to use it to spend it all, and all the extra funds, to take these kinds of trips away from his family. (This is not like the baseball thing where it is kind of part of the whole picture... There is no obligation or expectations to be met by spending that amount of time alone at WDW)

 

[Christine]

Sounds to me like she is jealous of your trip. I know I would be if my husband was going on a trip without me while I stayed home and worked. And I know my husband would be jealous too.

Kelly

Kelly,
Just to get you up to date, awhile ago there was an intense thread about Boomhauer's solo trips. If I remember correctly, he was willing to stop the solo trips altogether if that is what his wife wanted. But she *insisted* that it was okay, that she knew Disney was his passion, yada, yada. Yet, every trip, she rubs his face in it, plays the martyr, and makes his life miserable.

So, I'm hoping everyone doesn't start bashing him for going to Disney alone. He thought it was allowable and okay.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

I would be beyond livid if my partner not only discussed our private life on a public message board full of strangers but also posted a letter I wrote for her eyes only for thousands of people to read. Everybody here is defending the OP but frankly, my sympathy lies with the wife. Her private business is sitting here on a public message board and that is incredibly wrong. Though I haven't read the OP's previous posts about his wife, I can tell by the comments on this thread that he has had more than one *****fest about her. The bottom line; nobody here has heard HER side yet so many of you are making a lot of judgments about her while overlooking the fact that the OP is really OUT OF LINE. You are NOT helping this marriage by telling him how right he is and how wrong she is. How would any of you ladies feel if your husband called your child an immature brat and then got on a public message board and SLAMMED you all over the place and sat back and allowed tons of other people to slam you? How would you feel if a letter wrote in confidence was published in the friggin' Internet? I know I'm not going to change anybody's mind, but I have no problem at all standing alone and saying to the OP that he is being a JERK and needs to act his age and stop pointing so many fingers at other people. If you don't love her, divorce her, but for God's sake keep your private business between you, her and a marriage counselor.

As far as your wife saying she doesn't want more kids because of the way you handle her son; my God, I agree with her! Considering your marital problems it is selfish and ignorant to even consider bringing a child into this rapidly crashing marriage.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

Oh, Boomhauer, he we go with the "solo trip" thing again. She assures you over and over that the trips are okay, that she wants you to be happy, and yet, each time before the trip there is a huge deal made, she makes you feel like crap, and the whole "solo trip" thing comes up again?

Honestly, I do think you are just doomed with this woman. Instead of treating you as family, it seems you are always going to be the "outsider" with her and her son. This just seems like a no-win situation for you.

And, like C. Ann mentioned, she might be a "my way or the highway" person. That's what I'm thinking.

ITA
you are in a tough spot
go away clear your head and really think about you want for your future
will this keep happening, is this fixable

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

Kelly,
Just to get you up to date, awhile ago there was an intense thread about Boomhauer's solo trips. If I remember correctly, he was willing to stop the solo trips altogether if that is what his wife wanted. But she *insisted* that it was okay, that she knew Disney was his passion, yada, yada. Yet, every trip, she rubs his face in it, plays the martyr, and makes his life miserable.

So, I'm hoping everyone doesn't start bashing him for going to Disney alone. He thought it was allowable and okay.

I would just like to emphasize the fact none of us really know the full story. None of us know the details at all. What we do know is the OP is crossing some drastic marital lines with the stuff he is posting here. That, in my opinion, discredits him a lot. I'm personally not willing to believe his take on anything about this marriage.

 

[cardaway]

The bottom line; nobody here has heard HER side yet so many of you are making a lot of judgments about her while overlooking the fact that the OP is really OUT OF LINE.

There has been tons of threads here with women ripping on their men and/or men in general. Maybe you missed them.

It would be hypocritical if you didn't feel the same way about all threads with personal info about somebody else in the family.

I don't see where the OP is doing anything that wasn't done in those other threads. When it comes down to it, giving the story isn't much different than posting the email.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

There has been tons of threads here with women ripping on their men and/or men in general. Maybe you missed them.

It would be hypocritical if you didn't feel the same way about all threads with personal info about somebody else in the family.

I don't see where the OP is doing anything that wasn't done in those other threads. When it comes down to it, giving the story isn't much different than posting the email.

The thing is, this guy isn't seeking advice, he is tearing into his wife. I don't like to see anybody do this to their intimate partners regardless of gender. I have no problem when somebody comes to a message board and asks for advice or even shares some aspects of a marital problem. But this guy has really crossed a line. I'm sorry, but the point where he posted her letter was wrong. Like I said, I honestly don't give a hoot if nobody agrees with me. I feel strong enough in my conviction on this one to where the whole DIS can disagree with me. I still believe the OP shouldn't have posted that letter. That crossed a serious line in my opinion.

 

[Maleficent13]

I agree with both of caraway's replies.

Sometimes you get so FED UP you have to vent somewhere. Would it have been better for him to go out for a beer with a bud who knows the DW and tell him the whole sordid tale? I don't know who the heck boomhauer is, or anything about him, and I certainly wouldn't know his DW if she walked up and bit me. So who cares?

To boomhauer...buddy, I've said what I think before, but I have some thoughts that I prefer not to share on a thread...PM me if you want to hear 'em.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

Venting is one thing, sharing a private letter is something entirely different.

 

[cassi06403]

Okay, I have my flame-proof suit laying on the bed just in case I need to put it on. I'm hoping I won't need to, but here goes:

Doesn't much matter anymore. That email pretty much did me in. Clearly, I've failed her and she no longer wishes to be married to me.

The two of you decided to get married. That is a HUGE commitment, and not one to be taken lightly. Remember the part "For better or for worse until death do us part"? It disturbs me how it seems these decisions are made so simply - both to get married and to get divorced.

You must love each other INCREDIBLY to have decided to get married! If this was just someone you were dating casually, then the giving up would be acceptable. Giving up so easily on a marriage is unacceptable, IMO.

I hope you will gather the strength and courage to try to make this marriage work. People don't decide to get married because they can't stand each other. Try to find the that you had back in the begininning. My advice would be a weekend away - just the two of you. With MIL so close by, hopefully it would be easy enough to arrange. You both need to be reminded of how you feel about one another with the added stresses of life put aside.

I agree with other posters that communication NEEDS to be improved for this marriage to work. Communication is important for any relationship, period. Let her know that you are willing to make things work, but that you can only meet her halfway and she needs to be willing to work too. Arguments WILL happen - it's life. It's how they are dealt with afterward that is key. Talk to her about how she reacts after an argument. If you know ahead of time that she would like at least a few hours by herself without hearing from you after an argument, then that would probably be easier for you to deal with that "quiet" time.

Best of luck. We're here to support you if you need it.

I'll be thinking of you.

PS - I'm sorry if I am butting in my .02 without knowing the whole story. It seems a lot more background information has been mentioned in this thread and I probably wouldn't have stuck my nose in if it weren't for the post I quoted in the beginning. I would hate to see such a life-altering decision made out of haste and hurt feelings.

You can be a good step-father. You just need her support along the way.

 

[boomhauer]

The thing is, this guy isn't seeking advice, he is tearing into his wife. I don't like to see anybody do this to their intimate partners regardless of gender. I have no problem when somebody comes to a message board and asks for advice or even shares some aspects of a marital problem. But this guy has really crossed a line. I'm sorry, but the point where he posted her letter was wrong. Like I said, I honestly don't give a hoot if nobody agrees with me. I feel strong enough in my conviction on this one to where the whole DIS can disagree with me. I still believe the OP shouldn't have posted that letter. That crossed a serious line in my opinion.

I'm not tearing into my wife. I'm telling the story as it happened. The exact same way thousands of others do on here.

I posted the letter to show HER side of the story. The only thing I altered in it at all was the names.

 

[cardaway]

The thing is, this guy isn't seeking advice, he is tearing into his wife.

Maybe you need to look again. He did ask and he has received.

I don't like to see anybody do this to their intimate partners regardless of gender.

You really must have missed some threads. The unique thing here is that it's a guy complaining about a woman. Everything else is a repeat.

I'm sorry, but the point where he posted her letter was wrong.

I fail to see how giving plenty of details is any different than just posting the original. Plenty of posts have given all the details and frankly it would have been better if they had just given us the letter if there was one.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would be beyond livid if my partner not only discussed our private life on a public message board full of strangers but also posted a letter I wrote for her eyes only for thousands of people to read. Everybody here is defending the OP but frankly, my sympathy lies with the wife. Her private business is sitting here on a public message board and that is incredibly wrong. Though I haven't read the OP's previous posts about his wife, I can tell by the comments on this thread that he has had more than one *****fest about her. The bottom line; nobody here has heard HER side yet so many of you are making a lot of judgments about her while overlooking the fact that the OP is really OUT OF LINE. You are NOT helping this marriage by telling him how right he is and how wrong she is. How would any of you ladies feel if your husband called your child an immature brat and then got on a public message board and SLAMMED you all over the place and sat back and allowed tons of other people to slam you? How would you feel if a letter wrote in confidence was published in the friggin' Internet? I know I'm not going to change anybody's mind, but I have no problem at all standing alone and saying to the OP that he is being a JERK and needs to act his age and stop pointing so many fingers at other people. If you don't love her, divorce her, but for God's sake keep your private business between you, her and a marriage counselor.

As far as your wife saying she doesn't want more kids because of the way you handle her son; my God, I agree with her! Considering your marital problems it is selfish and ignorant to even consider bringing a child into this rapidly crashing marriage.

I do agree with you to a point. I did tell him to go to family counseling. But he also complains about the MIL and not being able to buy a house, but he lives in a home own by DW's grandparents and has a lot of space and low rent. I for one would not go on a solo trip to WDW when I want to buy a home. Maybe the extra vacation time could be used to bond with the DSS while the DW is at work. Has he ever considered taking the DSS with him on his solo WDW trips?

 

[luvmydogs]

...Hey, things happen. What can you do?

"What can you do?" You can be proactive, and get yourselves to a marriage counselor. She doesn't want to go? Go yourself. There is a five year old boy whose family is at stake, here. You are his father, and as you have stated so many times before, there is a great deal of love between you--ask yourself if your relationship with him and his mother are worth the work and effort it may take to make your marriage (and his life) a happy and secure one. IMHO, these things for which your wife constantly finds you at fault are just symptoms of a much, much bigger problem. This problem(s) is what needs to be recognized, acknowledged and worked on if your marriage and family are to survive and thrive.

There are many things I see in your marriage-related posts on a consistent basis--the miscommunication and lack of respect issues being on the forefront, and you may be taking steps to address these issues. But, is what you're doing working (and I mean the collective you, here)? If these issues keep resurfacing again and again, then try as you might, you need to look at different strategies to deal with these reoccurring problems.

What else can you do? Listen to the advice of everyone here--then take it with a grain of salt and see a therapist who can give you an objective, removed and trained opinion, with strategies to help improve your family life. The importance of your marriage and child goes way beyond message board advice--you must find a real life solution as this is a real life problem.

Once and for all, you need to make a decision about what is important in your life, then take charge of this situation. Don't allow things to "just happen" any longer. Encourage your wife to join you in therapy. No, you can't force her if she doesn't want to go or is in denial about your problems; but you can go yourself and always know that you did everything in your power to save the family you love. It is that important.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

Maybe you need to look again. He did ask and he has received.



You really must have missed some threads. The unique thing here is that it's a guy complaining about a woman. Everything else is a repeat.



I fail to see how giving plenty of details is any different than just posting the original. Plenty of posts have given all the details and frankly it would have been better if they had just given us the letter if there was one.

We shall have to agree to disagree. Good day.

 

[Christine]

"What can you do?" You can be proactive, and get yourselves to a marriage counselor. She doesn't want to go? Go yourself. There is a five year old boy whose family is at stake, here. You are his father, and as you have stated so many times before, there is a great deal of love between you--ask yourself if your relationship with him and his mother are worth the work and effort it may take to make your marriage (and his life) a happy and secure one. IMHO, these things for which your wife constantly finds you at fault are just symptoms of a much, much bigger problem. This problem(s) is what needs to be recognized, acknowledged and worked on if your marriage and family are to survive and thrive.

There are many things I see in your marriage-related posts on a consistent basis--the miscommunication and lack of respect issues being on the forefront, and you may be taking steps to address these issues. But, is what you're doing working (and I mean the collective you, here)? If these issues keep resurfacing again and again, then try as you might, you need to look at different strategies to deal with these reoccurring problems.

What else can you do? Listen to the advice of everyone here--then take it with a grain of salt and see a therapist who can give you an objective, removed and trained opinion, with strategies to help improve your family life. The importance of your marriage and child goes way beyond message board advice--you must find a real life solution as this is a real life problem.

Once and for all, you need to make a decision about what is important in your life, then take charge of this situation. Don't allow things to "just happen" any longer. Encourage your wife to join you in therapy. No, you can't force her if she doesn't want to go or is in denial about your problems; but you can go yourself and always know that you did everything in your power to save the family you love. It is that important.

The issue is that his wife seems to have low self-esteem and trust issues. That's either due to a previous relationship or the way she was raised. Past posts by the OP have indicated that the wife also treats her mom badly. So, it's either one of a few things:

1. Boomhauer is a total nut and is making these stories up and his wife is perfectly normal
2. His wife had a horrible previous relationship and is distrustful of men, or
3. She is a spoiled brat who is used to getting her way and prefers to be around people she can manipulate and make them feel like crap.

I going to choose Door #3 (and this is based on previous threads).

Do I think boomhauer is blameless? HECK NO. He is immature and I think he puts up with way too much crap. I think if he had a bigger spine and stood up to this woman, she either "buckle" or move on.

I think he *is* trying to deal with this marriage. I realize not everyone has followed his saga and knows the past history. So when you quote his words "hey, what else can you do?" you're not seeing the whole thing. This is a woman who thinks she does no wrong and REFUSES to get help.

I also think she is one of those woman who behaves "properly" when fun, big things are going on. She was probably a real jewel of girl during the whole courtship and wedding.

I also noticed that things were on a sweet, even keel when she was pregnant (and Boomhauer, I'm sorry to bring that up, I know it was very painful for you). But it seems when life is just everyday and mundane she's just plain unhappy.

 

[Crankyshank]

1) Despite what lip service she is giving to you to the contrary, it's obvious by that email that she takes issue with your frequent solo trips. It would behoove you to cut back on them in the interest of working on your marriage. If that is something you are interested in.

2) She is correct. You do need counseling. You both need it desperately. To deal with your reasons why you are both acting the way you are and how you can fix your marriage

3) You are both acting immaturely. Bottom line is that there is a 5yr old boy caught in the middle of this and he's the one that is suffering by the tension and discourse in your house. You both need to grow up before you've screwed him up beyond repair. this isn't a case of who's right - it's a case of you are both wrong.

4) you need to take time to think calmly and rationally about what you want from your marriage and whether or not cutting your losses is best for the both of you

 

[chasbos]

Just read through the whole thread and boy boomhauer you need some time to your own. Good thing you are heading to Disney and you will have some time to reevaluate your situation.

From what I am reading, I think you may be in a no win situation. You are trying to keep things together and be a good step-dad (would she rather you did not care about her son?) but she is holding you back for whatever reasons.

Now, I would also be irate if my DH went on vacation alone - but she did tell you to go, so now she has to accept the fact you are going and get over it.

I really hope that when you get back you can both sit down and decide what is right for all of 3 of you.

Have a good time in Disney and do not let her immaturity keep you from enjoying what you enjoy.