If your 9 y.o. snooped in their Christmas gifts - UPDATE post #96

[Erica09M]

 

[StephMK]

And just to clarify- I had this EXACT same thing happen this year and handled it in a COMPLETELY different way. My nine year old dd was caught snooping at grandma and granpa's house and then claimed to have been looking for something else in the room. I could tell by the look on her face that her lie was because of embarrassment at being caught doing something wrong- she didn't want to diminish the adults view of her. When I hugged her and told her about the time I snooped when I was about her age and my mom chimed in with her own snooping story from childhood my daughter's fears were comforted and she knew she could be honest. She came clean 100% and she was reassured that our love is unconditional. We also talked about why its disappointing when kids snoop and why they shouldn't do it. We explained that as grown ups our fun isn't from getting presents that its from giving them and we get joy from seeing her face when she gets her Christmas surprise. She completely understood this reasoning and was very apologetic, promising not to snoop anymore- which she hasn't!

I'm sure there are those who believe I was too lienient and that's okay- like I said, we are all just trying to do the best we can in this very moment and only time will tell what choices were the right ones. All I know is that TODAY I feel good about the way I handled it. I think my daughter learned not only not to snoop but why it is important in the context of respecting other people's pleasure as much as her own.

ITA. I still feel it is a harsh punishment. Yes, I fully support sticking to a consequence for a behavior. However, I think her punishment was too harsh, there were other ways to address the situation without going the direction she chose. I do think he will always remember this and I don't think it will be a fond ...remember that Christmas mom taught me that lesson. Does he have brothers & sisters? He is going to have to watch them open all kinds of stuff and be punished all over again. I feel so bad for that little boy.

As much as she wants to teach him respect and honesty, which I fully support, she could teach him a lesson on forgiveness as well. I hope she has a change of heart and finds some way to make it a happy Christmas for everyone.

 

[my3sons77]

 

[MiniGirl]

Okay, I have only read the updated post and the last 2 pages, so I'm sorry if I repeat something.....

I have been accused of being tough on my kids, and I have also returned items purchased for them. (For example, once we were walking out to the car after buying several things including a few things for dd. However, I didn't buy something she really wanted -- too expensive. Anyway, she starts complaining about how she NEVER gets anything, and I turned that cart around and promptly returned the items we had just bought.) However, this mom makes me look like a pushover. Has anyone ever not snooped for gifts? I know I did -- as did all my siblings and friends. It doesn't mean we were bad kids. I guess I just don't even see it as bad behavior. I stopped snooping when I discovered that, because of my snooping, Christmas morning was pretty anti-climatic and just really not much fun.

Oh and the term snowflake and how it is used is not exclusive to the DIS. It has more to do with parents thinking a child is so incredibly fragile that s/he will break and disintergrate when they experience the slightest bit of pressure/dissappointment.

 

[fireflymedic]

the mom realy set the kid up to fail and all because she was too lazy to wrap the presents. My kids would have to take off the wraping to know what it is. Now THAT would be a big no no to open the gift early.

 

[abcboys]

Honestly, I have NEVER understood the whole State Secret of Xmas Presents thing. Maybe because I was not raised with the Santa tradition, but I just don't see the point of all the obsession about secrecy. What on earth difference does it make if the recipient finds out ahead of time what gift he or she is getting?

DH and I have been married for nearly 20 years, and this issue caused the ONLY real fight we have ever had in that time. He went ballistic last year and tried to do this to DS after he opened some boxes before Christmas, and I essentially said over my dead body. He is obsessive about the secrecy thing, and I refuse to enforce it.

I hate surprises. Always have, always will. DS is the same way. DH knows this, but he's still obsessive about the whole "you MUST be surprised on Christmas, no matter how miserable that makes you" thing.

When I was a kid, I perfected the art of Christmas snooping. I'm not sure if my parents ever knew that I did it, but even if they had, they wouldn't have gotten angry over it -- it was just a game. Gifts sat out in the living room for weeks, and we all shook and prodded the boxes trying to guess what was in them -- I just took it a step further and unwrapped them at 3 am. I also took pride in restoring the wrapping perfectly to its original condition, and I'm danged good at that. (I still get practice, because my relatives have a habit of sending battery-operated gifts to the kids without the batteries, so I open the boxes and put them in before Christmas morning. It's impossible to tell that they have been opened. I use a needlenosed Exacto knife, an old credit card, and a crafter's glue stick.) I'm famous for this in my family; it is now widely known that I can open ANY box without a trace, and my relatives like to come up with all kinds of wacky ****ytraps to try to stop me. Never works.

A cornered 9 yo who knows that he is between a rock and a hard place will ALWAYS lie to try to get out of it if you give him a chance to. I am betting anything that that woman is just like my DH about the sanctity of The Secret, and he figured he was doomed anyway, so what did he have to lose? Kids that age are not logical that way, especially with a furious parent looming over them.

I'd punish my child for lying, but not that way. By returning the gifts she made it more about what he saw than how he reacted to being caught.

I agree. My oldest son found one of his christmas presents in the closet when they were playing hide and seek. Big deal. I still wrapped it up and he has to wait till christmas for it. My middle son also found of his presents. Okay, just put it under the tree with the others and he may forget about it. I liked to snoop when I was little. One time my mom found out I snooped and she took the thing back to the store and to this day I think she was a big meanie about it. I snooped a few years ago and found a mothers ring my DH had bought me. I think finding out early doesn't really take away the excitement of it?? If anything it makes it more exciting having to wait for christmas day to open it.

 

[Jasperann]

I will stick up for her and also state that not everyone in the world is obviously as sensitive as you clearly are.

Some times people don't just hold onto stuff and let it turn them into emotional messes.

For example..... I was bullied a lot at school. Do I use this as an excuse for everything that goes wrong in my life. No it was at school it was a long time ago and I have moved on. Did it affect me yes, but I used it in a positive way. Some people don't let it run their life while others will let it cloud everything they do.

The majority of mothers on here, know their kids well. If the child is a sensative type of child then I suspect the punishment would have been different. As a parent, the majority of us, do what we know will have the best lesson teaching effect on said child.

Years ago I was working as a shop assistant and a mother brought her child in who had taken something from the shop, she made him return it in person and say sorry. How would you deal with that situation, that would be public humilation according to you. The boy was so upset about 1. being caught and 2. having to return it but I bet he never ever does it again.

Kirsten

I had my oldest daughter do that when she was 3 years old. She kept asking for candy in the store and I kept telling her no. Then when we got to the car she pulls this candy out of her pocket and asked me to open it. Needless to say she took it back into the store and gave it back and apologized. But I don't think that is the same thing as snooping for Christmas gifts. By taking something from the store with out paying for it, she was breaking the law. Snooping does not however break any laws... rules maybe, but not laws.

 

[Zeebs]

I had my oldest daughter do that when she was 3 years old. She kept asking for candy in the store and I kept telling her no. Then when we got to the car she pulls this candy out of her pocket and asked me to open it. Needless to say she took it back into the store and gave it back and apologized. But I don't think that is the same thing as snooping for Christmas gifts. By taking something from the store with out paying for it, she was breaking the law. Snooping does not however break any laws... rules maybe, but not laws.

I totally agree with you, my post was there to point out that the little boy was being publicly humiliated which is what another poster was against.

I also mentioned a bit later in another post the item taken was a stone (not even a pretty one) from a water feature, to indicate whether the punishment meets the crime. I know many parents that would not have made a big deal out of the stone (I would not be one of them) and probably wouldn't have made the child take it back.

Kirsten

 

[Pixie Princess]

the mom realy set the kid up to fail and all because she was too lazy to wrap the presents. My kids would have to take off the wraping to know what it is. Now THAT would be a big no no to open the gift early.

Not only did I snoop for the Santa stash, but I unwrapped then re-wrapped wrapped gifts to discover what was inside. I did this all through my teen years. Then I would drive my sisters crazy by sleeping in on Christmas morning. Afterall I knew what all my gifts were.. no need to get up early!

If this situation happened with my DD9, my issue would not be with the fact she snooped. Even the fact she snooped in a restricted area wouldn't bother me too much. What would get me is lying to me when it was clear to her she was busted, and even more so would be the calculated manner in which the snooping occurred. I say this because lying and calculated manipulation (she wasn't very good at it) were a real problem not to long ago. Yes, the usual punishments (TV, video game restrictions) would be handed down for violating restricted space, but there would also be consequences directly related to the gifts since desire for gifts was what led to the more egregious behavior. Would I do what this mom did. No. However, receipt of the gifts may be delayed until some time after Christmas, or if there was a need to have a particularly strong consequence, I may have had her choose one of the gifts to give to Toys for Tots or some other charity. I have found with my DD that there are times when the punishment has to be pretty strong for her to "get it". My feeling is that if my DD felt the gifts were so important that it was worth engaging in behavior which is not tolerated then they are important enough to be affected by the punishment.

I realize that while this approach works with my daughter, it may not work with others, and my approach may be seen as quite strict. That's fine. We can only do what we feel is best by our children.

 

[powellrj]

Any one see Modern Family this week? Kids lie, dad takes away christmas, dad finds out kids didn't lie, dad rewards them big time. Mom is pretty mad with both choices!!