If your 9 y.o. snooped in their Christmas gifts - UPDATE post #96

[lecach]

OP here.

The Mom in question has not posted anymore aobut the issue. So I just sent her a Pm and told her I was curious. That I knew it was none of my business. But was she really planning on not giving the 9 year old a gift or did she plan to go re-buy the stuff. She's originally from the north according to her screen-name and she's posting here in NC so hopefully she's been here long enough to not be surprised by a nosey southerner

 

[Vijoge]

If your 9 y.o. snooped in their Christmas gifts and lied - what would you do?

Well, I know my 10 y/o granddaughter has been looking really hard. . . but I think I outsmarted her this year! However, if she does find them and I ask her about it I can guarantee she will deny it! LOL We play this game every year. It started 20 years ago with her dad. . .

 

[tinkermom23]

I remember being about 9 and I carefully opened every one of my gifts and re-taped them, thinking nobody would notice.
It was my worst Christmas ever! But, I didn't learn and did the same thing the next year.
Even after getting married DH would keep my gifts at a friends house until Christmas Eve, just to make sure I wasn't tempted to peek!

OP-As far as lying about it, we don't know the whole story but it should be treated as a separate issue from the "peeking", IMO.

 

[MinnieVanMom]

I am sure this poor boy will now grow up to be mug reusing, pool hopping, say my 3 year old is 2, disney rule breaker.

Did I forget any of the favorite flames?

 

[Leajess99]

OK, Mommy Dearest. What lesson did you teach your child? That if he lies he will be publicly humiliated? Niiiice.

Talk about a far stretch. I guess the judges are wrong when they punish kids to using means such as picking up trash, etc?? I love the "I'm such a perfect mom and my kid would never lie" parents who think that when others parent in a different way they are not teaching their kid a lesson but just humiliating them.

Oh yeah, want to talk about public humiliation, try the kid that stole from the gas station convenience store whose mother made him stand outside wearing a sign stating he stole. That child NEVER did that again. There is enough of a problem with the youth in this society now that are turning into adults scamming the system and lying. Too many parents wanting to coddle their children rather than disciplining and providing punishment for lies and such.

 

[Leajess99]

Like I said in another post, of course he should be punished for lying. No one said he shouldn't . I think what you did was cruel and over the top and your son would still be an "A" student with a different punishment.

How do you know? Really know what is in his heart and what hurts he is carrying deep inside? That kind of thing would crush me emotionally. Sure, I would forgive because I love my mother but I would never forget the emotional suffering I went through that Christmas. And how do you know he doesn't relive that a little bit every single year? You say that you can "laugh about it" now, but how do you know that laughter is not forced. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah mom, that time that you took my presents away and humiliated me in public was really a hoot!

No, punishments should not be easy but neither should they be cruel.

Seriously????? OMG, if the criminal justice system was left to you I guess all our criminals would be handed a slap on the wrist and let out because punishment is too cruel. (Insert eye roll). You really need to get a grip because your judgemental attitude is very extreme. People like you are the reason we have such an issue with kids running wild now a days.

 

[Leajess99]

Holy cow. According to you, my poor 16 year old should be in therapy because he's going to turn out to be a serial killer or something because I made him return a toy that he broke the rules to find, and then lied about.


Parenting isn't easy. Our kids are all different, and we all have different styles of parenting. Calling me cruel and over the top is a little ridiculous. If my son ends up in prison, or spending years in a psycho ward because he was so humiliated and will never get over the scars, then I'll humbly apologize, but I think you are highly judgemental and way too emotional. Let's agree to disagree.

I have to agree with you. I highly doubt your child will become the serial killer over having to return a present. I'm thinking maybe she needs to spend some time with the kids who are in detention facilities and then maybe she would better understand them. There are kids in detention facilities because their parents did NOT care enough to follow up on the lies or the behaviors they had.

Snooping is not that big of a deal but lying and blaming others is a huge deal to me as well.

 

[luvmy3]

This goes right up there with the "I made my daughter pick out a gift for herself and then gave it away" thinking.

Way too extreme!

Dawn

Not even close, what that mother did to her dd was cruel and manipulative. This may have been extreme but it was a consequence of an action that a 9 year did and knows is wrong.

 

[TinkInPink]

Honestly this is just mean and low. seriously, the kid peeked at his presents and he's NINE! Of course he's going to lie that he didn't see them, what kid wouldn't? I'm pretty sure at some point almost everyone has seen or heard something they were getting for Christmas before they were supposed to and when they opened it acted surprised, there by lying. Did someone take away all of your presents? OK he lied, so give him a time out, take away TV time, don't wrap his gifts, but take back all of his presents? really? There is some level of rationality that comes with being both a parent and an adult but this mother threw that out the window. The punishment doesn't fit the crime and this is just wrong.

 

[robinb]

You really need to get a grip because your judgemental attitude is very extreme. People like you are the reason we have such an issue with kids running wild now a days.

I'm not for letting kids run wild. Like I said before, the child should be punished for lying. I also agree that punishment shouldn't be easy but it also shouldn't be cruel. Making a kid return their Christmas present because they peeked and lied about it is cruel. Both the peeking *and* the lying are totally age appropriate behaviors. Look at everyone else who on this thread who agrees with me. Very, very few people believe that the woman in the OP and Chelly00 did the right thing by hauling their crying and distraught kids back to the store to return the presents. Most of us think it was just plain mean.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Seriously????? OMG, if the criminal justice system was left to you I guess all our criminals would be handed a slap on the wrist and let out because punishment is too cruel. (Insert eye roll). You really need to get a grip because your judgemental attitude is very extreme. People like you are the reason we have such an issue with kids running wild now a days.

Um yeah- because comparing a criminal in jail to a 9 year old who got caught snooping for his Christmas presents and then didn't want to admit to it is completely the same thing.
I am a strict parent and lying is definetly a huge offense. However- being cruel and mean to the point of degrading is not productive parenting. Perhaps if the goal is humiliation and degradation then I guess that would be a good way to go.
Yes, children can and should be humbled if they do something wrong. However, they don't need to be treated less than human over something. The kid snooped and got caught. Big deal. I say this as an adult who has never snooped (I like surprises) but I would understand why a child that age would. The lying should be dealt with but I think the Mom was mad because SHE wanted the surprise and the child ruined it for HER.

As for kids running wild these days, well, I don't think that has anything to do with snooping for gifts. I personally think it is more an issue of parents wanting to be their children's friends instead of their parents. That and it is a lot of work to teach your children. I think a lot of people are simply tired because our lives are much different than when we were little. It takes a lot more to run a house and family (monetarily) these days and to be honest I think parents are just exhausted. I don't blame them.
When my oldest was little I was at the local library with him playing one day. I ended up having a conversation with a Grandma there. During the course of the conversation I mentioned that I hated saying no to my son. I did it but I hated it. (He was about 1 year old) The lady told me "Well that is because it is easier to just say yes." Now I was all offended because she was implying that I was a lazy parent. You know what? She was right. Saying no is hard to say but it is necessary. I can laugh now at that incident because, well, she was right. She knew that you have to be the parent and always giving in to your child to avoid having to parent will not yield any positive results. You are not preparing that child for the future.
In this case, I think the punishment is over the top and vicious. The Mom was hurt and took it out on the child. She could have done things a lot differently and still got her point across. YMMV.

 

[Chelley00]

Look at everyone else who on this thread who agrees with me. Very, very few people believe that the woman in the OP and Chelly00 did the right thing by hauling their crying and distraught kids back to the store to return the presents.

Not true. There are quite a few people who agree, and I'm sure there are tons more who won't post in here because they don't want to get beat up for their parenting decisions.

Most of us think it was just plain mean.

I talked with DS last night and let him read some of this thread. He laughed and said "Wow, Mom. Some of these people need to relax a little. It's not like you beat me all the way to the store. I think I'll be able to stay off the shrink's couch"

 

[robinb]

Not true. There are quite a few people who agree, and I'm sure there are tons more who won't post in here because they don't want to get beat up for their parenting decisions.

Aaaa! The silently supporting friends. If they don't speak up, then how will the rest of us know what they think? Sorry, silent support is all fine and good for you but I can only listen to the people who actually speak up.

I talked with DS last night and let him read some of this thread. He laughed and said "Wow, Mom. Some of these people need to relax a little. It's not like you beat me all the way to the store. I think I'll be able to stay off the shrink's couch"

And exactly what is he supposed to say ? "Yeah mom, that still kinda hurts." OF COURSE he's going to tell you it is no big deal. Any loving son would and I have no doubt that he loves you.

 

[kellyg403]

While I think the lying and the snooping were age appropriate and I do think there should be consequences, I am not so sure about the actual taking the child to the store and the humiliation of that.

Honestly, I was raised in a home with what today would be abuse. Sometimes in its worst form. The worst of anything I remember is the humiliation of having anyone besides my family know what I did. I could suffer any consequence but humiliation. And that sticks with me to this day. Honestly though not in a bad way. If I do something wrong, I am the first to admit it. If I am worried that someone will think badly of me I am upfront that I didn't do whatever to hurt them. I am known in my circle of friends/co workers to be straightforward and honest. Why? Because I hate humiliation in any form.

The reality is that I personally would not do this to anyone because I have preconceived notions of what humiliation is. I don't know this mom, her child or anything about this situation other than what was posted. There are so many elements. The mom could be OVERPLAYING what she did to the child to seem like this great mom. It is the internet, nobody was there, how do I know how things went down. If it went down the way she said, yeah she went to far IMHO and I wouldn't have done it. Now, I wouldn't be opposed to taking said toys, bringing them out and taking dc to the Toys For Tots. The pure misery alone of 'thinking' there would be no Christmas would be punishment enough in my book. We all punish ourselves WAY more than anyone else could. As parents we have to temper punishment with mercy.

As for this being the reason kids are wild and crazy today. Don't agree. I see in my teens friends and parents the need for parents in today's society trying to be hip and friends. I have seen 46 yo women wearing the same clothes as their dd's in order to look like a teen..and some of them need to check it at the door. Its quite unattractive. There is blurred line between and parent and child. When a teen girl gets in my car, and I am being a nice person taking them home because their parents are unable to get them, and the first thing they say to me is "this is the lamest radio station..turn it' they are disrespectful and I won't ever ride them home again. At 15, there is a certain need to understand you can't control the world and respect is a good thing to have. Its has boded me well in my life. So I just don't believe that spanking, having consequences are why we see so much of the poor behavior today. I actually think it is the LACK of proper discipline and these kids thinking they are the rulers of every kingdom cuz they are at home.

Kelly

 

[krcit]

I think it was way overboard. and how about the por clerk who had to listen to the kid apologizing and crying. (S)He probably felt like a first class heel. Punish your own kid and don't drag some poor stranger into it!

 

[lecach]

OP here - I heard back from the Mom. Her explanation really makes a lot of sense to me. Here it is:


LOL, no problem, I don't mind telling you.

He ABSOLUTELY will not be getting those gifts (the ones that were returned), or any replacements, for the holiday. There were three gifts hidden in a different place in the house that he didn't see, so he'll get those. But that's it. And if he'd seen those, he'd be getting nothing from us. He gets things from other family members/friends, obviously, but I'll be doing nothing beyond what I did already.

He's 9. He knows better. It isn't even that he snooped at his presents, it's that he was VERY underhanded in how he managed to go snoop, and then tried to lie about why he was in the bedroom, and what he was/wasn't doing (said he wasn't looking at presents, that he was looking for the cat, but yet he turned on the fan AND the shower in the bathroom to pretend he was doing his normal evening routine and avoid any suspicion. Sneaky.).

As I explained to him, life and family is about trust. If I can't trust you to respect me as a parent, and my room as my space, I can't reward you with presents. And if I can't count on you to tell the truth when you are caught red handed, well then, that's a whole other problem. Plus, the presents wouldn't be a surprise, so there's no point in giving them.

I know, it sounds tough... it IS a tough punishment. But I think it will be a punishment that he remembers. When he was at the service desk returning his gifts, he had to tell the clerk why he was returning them and she nodded and said that she remembered her brother having to do the same thing as a child, and that neither he nor any of her siblings EVER snooped for gifts again. If he doesn't snoop, it will be a bonus, but if he has some more respect for privacy and personal space, I'll consider the lesson to have been a success.

 

[luvmy3]

Thanks for updating. After hearing the mom's further explanation I think she did do the right thing. I'm truly amazed that there are people here who think she is cruel and awful because she follows through and expects her 9 year old to be responsible for his actions. Yes, he is a child but at what point doesn't he get away with things like this, at what point should he learn a lesson? If you wait too long then you have little snowflakes on your hand, those same snowflakes that 75% of the moms on this board complain about everyday.

Maybe if there were more moms like this one, we would see more kids who are respectful, who have manners, and alot less spoiled rotten brats who think they deserve everything and get it just because they want it because their parents are too busy being their friend and not being their parent.

 

[mjkacmom]

He's 9. He knows better.

Plus, the presents wouldn't be a surprise, so there's no point in giving them.
.

I think that they start snooping at the age of 9 - before that, they believe in Santa, and have no reason to snoop. And I don't think knowing what the gifts are makes it a reason not to give them. Ds11 is getting a particular baseball bat from grandma, and he's very excited about it!

 

[jodifla]

Her update doesn't impress me. I still think her behavior is despicable and cruel.

 

[Vijoge]

lecach-
Not to change the subject, but pease tell me about the bacon! My youngest, at four and beyond, would have loved getting bacon as a gift. In fact, I think he'd still love it and he's almost 21!!