If You Met Someone Who Went To An Old-Money, Exclusive Boarding School, What Would You Ask Them?

[punkin]

I had a good experience at boarding school. My parents definitely don't hate me.

If you don't understand something, you can ask about it, but assuming hate is just not ok,

Generally, a winking smily face connotes something said tongue in cheek. I certainly don't think everyone sending children away hates them.

 

[bcla]

I went to public school and know no one who went to boarding school. The biggest question I have is from a parent's perspective. Without judging anyone, I guess it's just a foreign concept to me that parents would send their kids away during the years when the kids are just starting to blossom and mature into the adults they will become.

It wasn't me, but I remember once I was in the car with my aunt and my cousin after my cousin got in hot water for something. I don't even recall exactly what it was, but she was yelling and screaming at him, as well as threatening to send him to some sort of boarding school to "straighten him out". It was kind of bizarre too.

 

[bcla]

I don't understand why so many people are surprised that this interests me. I grew up in a neighborhood that wasn't quite a ghetto (at the time anyway), but was definitely on its way. I went to a public high school where being stabbed wasn't outside the realm of possibility. My peers were sons & daughters of blue-collar people (and the rich kids from The Lake, but they didn't associate with me nor I with them). To me this is as an interesting a topic of conversation as if I were talking to, say, a Mexican immigrant living in L.A. or a retired geospace engineer or something. Different people and different lifestyles that I've never been exposed to, that's all.

I didn't live in such a neighborhood, but I did go to schools in a district that practiced "social engineering" more or less. There was one high school in the district with nearby housing projects, and kids living blocks away from there were routed to my high school. Certain we had a diverse set of kids at my high school. I'd say maybe half of my class was going to college, including private schools. I even remember one guy from the previous class who dropped out but trained at the Ringling Bros Clown College. The names I remember were Harvard, Brown, Stanford, MIT, Harvey Mudd, etc. The largest group were heading for University of California and Cal State University campuses though. But then there were dropouts and those who went straight to work.

My group of friends were almost all college bound. That included some relatively rich kids, but most were middle class. However, in my group we had one kid who was a former illegal immigrant who got status under the 1986 amnesty program.

 

[scrapquitler]

I know lots of people who went to or are going to exclusive boarding schools, including my mother. We have 3 boarding schools within 5 miles of our house. It isn't that big of a deal.

This. There is one of these type boarding schools in the town where I live, and I know quite a few people who went there or to other similar type schools. It doesn't seem like such a big deal to me, maybe because it's not such a foreign idea because we interact with the students, and the employees of the school on a regular basis all over town.

The biggest thing anyone here in town would ask them is why the heck do you all not cross the road in the cross walk and look to see if cars are coming before you step into the road? (at least one or two kids get hit by cars every year because they seem to be oblivious to the traffic on the main road that runs thru the center of campus).

 

[wilkeliza]

I went to public school and know no one who went to boarding school. The biggest question I have is from a parent's perspective. Without judging anyone, I guess it's just a foreign concept to me that parents would send their kids away during the years when the kids are just starting to blossom and mature into the adults they will become.

Childhood is so short. I couldn't imagine sending a child away at age 12 or 13 (or even younger in some cases) and not being involved in their daily life. Not spending time with them, teaching them life skills, guiding them, supporting them in school and outside activities (attending their sports competitions, school concerts, plays, etc.), I would miss that so much. Later, if they choose to go away to college, that is hard enough, but at that point they are adults, ready to benefit from independence and the higher education chosen to best fit their future goals.

I think losing those very important years would affect the relationship between parent and child, as well as among siblings, resulting in a different dynamic where you lose the closeness of a family.

From the parents I know who did it (so parents of friends) most of them were because of their busy work schedules that included lots of travel. Others had no choice as their kids either were going to get kicked out of their prestigious private school or board. Their parents chose boarding over embarassment. The ones who travel usually asked for them to be home for dinner and would drop them back off at school after. Others it was for the higher education the school could give that wasn't available in their area. Most parents I have met who did it was bot because they hated havig children or didn't want them home they just thought it was best for their kid.

 

[sonnyjane]

I went to public school and know no one who went to boarding school. The biggest question I have is from a parent's perspective. Without judging anyone, I guess it's just a foreign concept to me that parents would send their kids away during the years when the kids are just starting to blossom and mature into the adults they will become.

Childhood is so short. I couldn't imagine sending a child away at age 12 or 13 (or even younger in some cases) and not being involved in their daily life. Not spending time with them, teaching them life skills, guiding them, supporting them in school and outside activities (attending their sports competitions, school concerts, plays, etc.), I would miss that so much. Later, if they choose to go away to college, that is hard enough, but at that point they are adults, ready to benefit from independence and the higher education chosen to best fit their future goals.

I think losing those very important years would affect the relationship between parent and child, as well as among siblings, resulting in a different dynamic where you lose the closeness of a family.

That's just not a priority for everyone. Reading from our website's current stats, my school has a 100% college attendance rate, with 82% of those being top 100 schools. Also 25% of our students are international. A lot of my friends were children of diplomats/businessmen that felt my school gave their kids advantages over schools in their home country. In addition to academics, 25% of my school's graduates also go on to play collegiate sports on at least partial scholarship (my school required that everyone play a sport throughout the year), so while it may seem "cold" if you will, there are definitely practical reasons to choose to send your kids off.

(And holy crap they're now up to $55k a year. That's nuts. Like I said I got to go for free as a faculty child. That's more than my college...)

 

[DawnM]

That's just not a priority for everyone. Reading from our website's current stats, my school has a 100% college attendance rate, with 82% of those being top 100 schools. Also 25% of our students are international. A lot of my friends were children of diplomats/businessmen that felt my school gave their kids advantages over schools in their home country. In addition to academics, 25% of my school's graduates also go on to play collegiate sports on at least partial scholarship (my school required that everyone play a sport throughout the year), so while it may seem "cold" if you will, there are definitely practical reasons to choose to send your kids off.

(And holy crap they're now up to $55k a year. That's nuts. Like I said I got to go for free as a faculty child. That's more than my college...)

I think the kids in these schools have parents who think $55K is not a big deal. If I had millions, then $55K wouldn't be much.

I have a friend who went from my boarding school overseas to Stony Brook in NY. It was a complete culture shock for him. He still has issues related to that, but it may also be because his parents still lived overseas.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I would ask if they thought the school helped them to get a better job than someone who went to a regular public high school. In other words, was it worth the money after all was said an done?

I know someone who has kids in an exclusive private school. I wonder if her kids will get better jobs, get further in life etc. than someone who goes to public school. Otherwise, what was all that money for?

Well when I was a kid all that money was to keep their kids away from kids like me. HAHAHA!!!

 

[Westcoastwild]

I went to public school and know no one who went to boarding school. The biggest question I have is from a parent's perspective. Without judging anyone, I guess it's just a foreign concept to me that parents would send their kids away during the years when the kids are just starting to blossom and mature into the adults they will become.

Childhood is so short. I couldn't imagine sending a child away at age 12 or 13 (or even younger in some cases) and not being involved in their daily life. Not spending time with them, teaching them life skills, guiding them, supporting them in school and outside activities (attending their sports competitions, school concerts, plays, etc.), I would miss that so much. Later, if they choose to go away to college, that is hard enough, but at that point they are adults, ready to benefit from independence and the higher education chosen to best fit their future goals.

I think losing those very important years would affect the relationship between parent and child, as well as among siblings, resulting in a different dynamic where you lose the closeness of a family.

You're looking at it from the perspective of someone that is around for their kids. My mother was a SAHM for most of my childhood. Then she started working and I essentially became a latchkey kid. She wasn't going to sporting events, unless it was a weekend. She wasn't taking me to do stuff. She wasn't really driving me to school- and what was worse, is that if I drove myself to school, I'd be taking my baby sister across town to her school first. She didn't cook much. And dad was a total workaholic. So he was around even less.

I don't resent my mother for any of this. Most of the problems that came out of this were not due to my mother's work schedule but her lack of ability to...I don't know, juggle stuff or be efficient or something. She worked because she felt she had to. She probably had to because my parents are literally the most terrible budgeters I know. Like even now, I just don't ask because it is super hard to make sense of my parents' version of adulting.

Anyway. The people I know who went to boarding schools? They probably spent more quality time with parents than I did. Seriously.

 

[tcufrog]

I had a friend when I was in high school who attended a prestigious all girls Catholic college prep school in our city. Most of the students were day students and most people in the city didn't know that it was also a boarding school attended by girls from all over the world. My friend boarded because her small town didn't offer a very good education and she didn't get along with her step father. She liked the school but she said that the day students looked down on the boarders.

My dh didn't attended boarding school but he did directly enroll in university in the US at the age of 14. He lived in the dorms and everything. He was an Indian expat in an African country and the school run by the Indian consulate wasn't challenging enough for him. His mother really underestimated how much it would change him leaving home at such a pivotal age. She was especially unhappy when he dated white girls while in college and eventually married one (me). She thought he would spend all of his time studying and occasionally let loose by playing a game of chess with other male Indian students. How little she understood about her son.

 

[sasywtch]

I have to admit, when I think of boarding school, what comes to mind are the celebrities who send their kids off and visit them on holidays. I'm not from an area known with boarding schools so what I read or see in the movies is it. What I am curious if the kids feel their parents didn't put them as a priority. To me, sending them away for the school to raise them daily is not a priority. There is always a choice for the parents, if both are too busy. I know that will irate some but it's always been my thought how they felt. I read about one family who had a lot of old money and it was expected when you turned 12, you went away to boarding school. The 11 year old was extremely upset because she didn't want to leave her family and her younger siblings but off she had to go. She got to visit them on holidays though. That may be the exception but that's always stuck with me.

 

[GrnMtnMan]

I couldn't imagine sending a child away at age 12 or 13 (or even younger in some cases) and not being involved in their daily life.

There really aren't many schools that hat have boarders before 9th grade, so most kids are HS age. The few kids (<5% of my class) who had gone to a boarding school before 9th grade were from special circumstances, mainly ex-pat families stationed in 3rd world cities.

The biggest question I have is from a parent's perspective. Without judging anyone, I guess it's just a foreign concept to me that parents would send their kids away during the years when the kids are just starting to blossom and mature into the adults they will become.

As I've said in prior posts, they type of school we're talking about really matters to your question. I can't really answer for open-admission schools that kids are 'sent -to' for punishment or behavior modifications are a different situation.

I'd say that for kids that go to a competitive admission/academic focused college prep school (like one of The Schools Admission Organization), the parent/child relationship is already a bit more mature then you are thinking. Kids that go to these places have to have demonstrated the ability to be more independent than their peers. And the relationship between the child and parent is different as a result.

not being involved in their daily life. Not spending time with them, teaching them life skills, guiding them, supporting them in school and outside activities (attending their sports competitions, school concerts, plays, etc.), I would miss that so much.

You'd miss the tedium of running them around to their various activities? And don't you think the base values generally have been imparted by the early teenage years?

Boarding school parents still attend sporting events and come for performances. They just don't have to handle the annoying logistics for months leading up to the performance. And they don't schedule practices during school breaks, preventing the whole family form having concentrated quality time together.

And that's one of my main points. By stripping out the nagging about homework, the shuttling around to various activities or social events, the time boarding school kids spend with their family can be higher quality time.

Later, if they choose to go away to college, that is hard enough

I think this reflects a difference in perspective. There's no 'choosing to go away' for college for these kids. These kids have already demonstrated that they will have the aptitude to go off to a top flight national research university/liberal arts college. Part of a prep (college preparatory) school's mission is to 'prepare' their graduates for success in the college environment.

I think losing those very important years would affect the relationship between parent and child, as well as among siblings

The years aren't lost, they're just different.

resulting in a different dynamic where you lose the closeness of a family.

Family dynamics evolve with time. This is a different evolution. There's no reason to think you're any 'closer' to your siblings because you shared a house with them. The home is made by the people in it, and how they behave and communicate. Most families evolve and adapt thought time, which is the case for kids for families with kids who go to boarding school.

What I am curious if the kids feel their parents didn't put them as a priority.

I've mentioned previously in this thread that I went off to a boarding school at 9th grade, as my father was forced into early retirement and my family had to move to be in a lower cost area.

My parents could have not given me any options, and made me go to the local public school. But at that time I was not being challenged academically in the 'excellent' school in the NYC suburb. Literally straight As through 7th and 8th grade. The school in the new town was less academically rigorous than the NYC suburb school. So my parents gave me the option of going off to boarding school. They sacrificed a good part of their financial resources to let me do so.

Which is a long way of saying that I firmly believe that my well-being was their highest priority.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I have to agree with a lot of what the PP says. I'm sure there are children who are shunted off to boarding school for the convenience of the parents, and I think this sort of student gets portrayed in the media a lot as the "typical boarding school kid". But I think the reality is, this is a fairly small number of the students. By the same token, the stereotypical "pompous, entitled jerk" isn't nearly as common as is portrayed. Through the years, I've known a number of children who have gone off to boarding schools. In my experience, the choice was child-driven--they needed more than the local schools could offer. In at least 3 cases that I know of personally, the parents sent only one of their two children to boarding school, because it was only appropriate/desirable for that particular child. Heck, right now, DD13 has a friend who's contemplating attending a STEM boarding school for grades 10-12 (they're entering 9th grade in the fall). I have had discussions with the child and both her parents over this decision. It's not easy, and she is NOT a child of privilege.

 

[mom2rtk]

You'd miss the tedium of running them around to their various activities?

I absolutely would miss that. Car time was some of the best unstructured time. It's a captive audience at a time in life when that sort of time is at a minimum. We talked a lot about current events, life plans, how things were going on at school, friends, etc. For whatever reason, my kids always opened up in the car like they never would at home.

You can't schedule when your kid will open up to you. You really just have to be around them a lot and take advantage of the times they do.

 

[AppleDumpling]

You're looking at it from the perspective of someone that is around for their kids.

Yes, that is true.

You'd miss the tedium of running them around to their various activities? And don't you think the base values generally have been imparted by the early teenage years?

I don't consider it tedium, I consider it part of parenting. We enjoy spending time together. Yes, basic values are there but are still being built upon and strengthened. IMO, teens still need ongoing guidance and support at a critical time in their life, from those who love them unconditionally.

Which is a long way of saying that I firmly believe that my well-being was their highest priority.

From what you describe, I am sure your parents had your best interest in mind and I am glad it worked out well for you. Others may not have had such a positive experience.

Thank you for the insight into something I admitted I am not familiar with. The fact is, very few American children attend boarding school; the overwhelming majority go to public school and so that is the societal norm. My perspective is biased but so is yours.

People have different career situations, different lifestyles, different ways of raising children, I get that. Clearly some parents don't mind being separated for weeks or months at a time and feel the benefits are worth it. To each their own. It is not a choice I would make for my family.

And BTW, there are plenty of high achieving public school educated students who get into top colleges and universities. There are also plenty who go to public universities and end up just as successful as those who went to the "elite" schools.

 

[Branflakes]

We have a few private schools here in the Raleigh area. Unsure about boarding schools. A big issue at some of the private schools is drug problems. There have been some fairly serious drug scandals in the last decade.
A friend of my son refused public school for this very reason, after two years at a very expensive private school, she pulled her daughter and placed her in the public high school.

Tuition at Ravenscroft for example, would run in the range of $300,000.00 for kindergarten to high school graduation. Many of the graduates however are top in the state and some nationally. And typically get into first choice universities.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I have to admit, when I think of boarding school, what comes to mind are the celebrities who send their kids off and visit them on holidays. I'm not from an area known with boarding schools so what I read or see in the movies is it.

Same here. Indeed the media influences our impressions. I've seen Dead Poet's Society and read A Separate Peace and Catcher In The Rye. The girls on The Facts Of Life seemed to always be having a good time! Then there is Hogwarts, which looks pretty amazing yet also terrifying at times, and of course it's not real. I'm sure it depends a lot on the school and like anything else, there are good and bad aspects. It's interesting to hear from those of you with personal experience. Good luck OP.

 

[GrnMtnMan]

IMO, teens still need ongoing guidance and support at a critical time in their life, from those who love them unconditionally.

Again, we get back to it being different. My parents checking in on me via phone and giving me high level advice about life was probably better for me and my relationship with them than them being there every day to closely supervise me. I just always had an independent streak.

One way to think if it is micromanaging. People have varied degrees of what level of supervision is necessary to help someone achieve success. One person's micromanaging is another person's close and personal/hands-on supervision. Some people need one, others need the other. And I'm not implying that being independent sooner is somehow better. Just what what was right for me and *most* of my peers (there are definitely people who have their issues with getting so much independence).

And BTW, there are plenty of high achieving public school educated students who get into top colleges and universities. There are also plenty who go to public universities and end up just as successful as those who went to the "elite" schools.

Absolutely! That hasn't been discussed in this thread, but these 'elite' schools and admission to an 'elite' university isn't a ticket to fame and riches. I actually think these 'elite' schools influence how one sees success.....generally in a positive way. Maybe back in the day the point of prep school was to meet your future network of doctors, lawyers, and investment bankers, but I think that went away long ago. Few of my peers went into those traditionally lucrative professions. Many are entrepreneurs. Many are work-a-day folks like me who get their sense of purpose from home, family, and in my case Disney!

In my case, my exposure to people of extraordinary wealth (mostly from my boarding school experience) has shown me that desiring 'more' for yourself is a human condition, no matter how much you have. And that the most 'happy' people in life accept what they have without the inevitable envy-of-others-that-have-more getting in the way of living the life you want to live. I've seen it. I'm friends with a few. It aint all that.

 

[pianogirl73]

I absolutely would miss that. Car time was some of the best unstructured time. It's a captive audience at a time in life when that sort of time is at a minimum. We talked a lot about current events, life plans, how things were going on at school, friends, etc. For whatever reason, my kids always opened up in the car like they never would at home.

You can't schedule when your kid will open up to you. You really just have to be around them a lot and take advantage of the times they do.

I agree with this 100%! As tiring as the running around is, the car rides are always when my 13 year old daughter chooses to open up to me about things, simply because it is the most private time we have together.

 

[GrnMtnMan]

my kids always opened up in the car like they never would at home

Was this before the age of smartphones?