If it was your mother, would you go? - UPdate

[RunningGirl]

Three years ago, my mother found out she had a melanoma on her eye and had to travel to a hospital that specialized in cancer of the eye. My sister and I took her there - a four hour drive. We took her to the hospital and she had to see a specialist, have all kinds of tests taken, etc. and we were there for the whole day. Finally, she got to talk to the surgeon and she told my mother that she needed to have surgery to remove the tumors from her eye. We ended up staying at a motel down there until the day after that so they could do the surgery, rather than drive all the way home and all the way back down. We stayed in the motel the day of the surgery too because my sister didn't feel that my mother would be up to making the trip - she was 80 yrs. old then. She had to go back down for a check up and I went down with my sister for that trip too. Then she needed radiation - in which my mother had to stay in the hospital for 7 days with a radiation patch in her eye. Due to other commitments beyond my control, my sister and friend of hers brought my Mom down and got her all situated and then came home. We all called my mother everyday, etc. and then my sister went back down and picked her up. My sister has made the trip down there 2 other times since then for my Mom's annual check up.

Fast forward to this week. My Mom is now 84 and felt a lump under her eyelid - same eye. I took her for her check-up at her regular eye Dr. and he could not get her eyelid up to look at it. Her eye was bleeding from him trying to look at it (sorry gross). Anyway, he told her she should call the eye hospital and tell them that she needed to move her appointment up because of this. My mother was actually going to ask him if she still needed to go down there because everything was okay and she didn't feel up to making the trip each year. Anyway, she called and they moved her appointment up to the beginning of February.

In all likelyhood, they will need to operate on her eye again. I wanted to go down with them this time to provide support and company for my sister if my mother needed surgery. In order for me to go, I have to take time off from work for which I will not get paid. Other than that, my husband can handle things with the kids (all in school) and with the pets. But, he feels that my sister can handle taking my Mom down there this time by herself because she has done it the past two years alone. I'm trying to explain to him that if she needs surgery, my sister might need me there with her. We have another sister who has never gone. She had a husband that was ill and totally dependent on her so she never went before. He died last year, but she hasn't said anything about going this time. My sister says it's up to me, if I want to go for our mother that's fine, but she can handle it by herself and I can do what I have to do. Whatever that means. I just know that if I was the one taking her down there, I'd want someone to go with me!

Speaking as the child who always has to take unpaid time off to take care of my dad, please go. My sisters do not help out at all. It is very hard to do on your own. I would say the same thing to my sisters as your sister said to you, but I would want her there.

 

[Scurvy]

I'd go, with or without my sister. In fact, I'd insist on my sister staying home this time, because she's spent so much time getting mom back and forth to appointments over the last few years - unless she wanted to come, I think she's entitled to a break. It's my mom.

Good luck to your mom, whatever you all decide to do.

My thoughts exactly.

I can't imagine that you would regret going, but you very well might regret not going. I would go if I was in your shoes.

 

[ZachnElli]

I don't have any sisters, just one brother, but whether or not he was there, I'd go. No doubt in my mind.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yes, I'd go. Good luck.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Would your loss of pay jeopardize your family in a significant way? (Loss of mortgage payment, inability to pay for food, those sorts of serious issues).

If not, then go.

 

[Robinrs]

I wish I had one more day with my mother and the ability to have that choice.

Go.

 

[dislaney]

I would definitely go.

 

[sdemore]

I wish I had one more day with my mother and the ability to have that choice.

Go.

Me too! Go.

 

[C.Ann]

Is there any particular reason why you're questioning whether or not you should go? If there is, that's something you need to address within yourself - in order to make a decision that is "right" for your circumstances..

If it's just because your sister is saying you're not needed, I would go..

Best of luck to your mom - and I hope it's not as serious as it sounds..

 

[zumbergc]

I would definitely go.

I did much of the care of my mother before she passed, brother didn't show for anything. It was an equally long 3 hour drive for both of us up to her house.

You might want to pick up the slack and go yourself. Say, hey its my turn to take care of mom. Or say, would you like some help on this trip! Nothing like sitting in the waiting room yourself when sergery, you get a little nervous. Now if you don't get along with your sibling and things are tense, then going along with may cause more stress for everyone.

Plus, if there are things to pick up, like rx's etc, getting food, etc. If you can split things up, like hey you go get the rx's. I'm make or grab dinner, etc. When taking care of a sick person. If there are 2 hands its easier, less
frustrating, and more enjoyable, all depends on the amount of care the person needs.

In the event you don't go. Please take the time to say a heart felt thank you to your sisiter for going and taking care of mom. Yes, she wants to because its her mom, but when your the only one doing the work, and no one else has to give up personal time, family time, etc.. a thank you goes a long way. If your not good at that, send a thank you card.

 

[NMAmy]

In the event you don't go. Please take the time to say a heart felt thank you to your sisiter for going and taking care of mom. Yes, she wants to because its her mom, but when your the only one doing the work, and no one else has to give up personal time, family time, etc.. a thank you goes a long way. If your not good at that, send a thank you card.

Amen! I live 10 minutes from my mom--my oldest sister is 1.5 hours away and my younger sister lives in California. I don't mind being the one to take care of mom but it is nice to be appreciated for being the one who is sitting in the ER at 2 in the morning. And my sisters do thank me for this.

OP, if I were you, I'd go.

 

[Aristocath]

Yes, I'd go. I think your sister is trying not to put pressure on you but she'd probably appreciate your help. It could be a very stressful time.

 

[4nana]

It's your Mom, I would go if at all possible. My Mom is 80yo and thankfully a BC survivor, so I am aware the toll illness can take on family.

It's times like these when families should come together to support her and each other. I hope your Mom does well and gets good news.

 

[Disney Doll]

About the only thing I could see that might stop you from going is taking time off from work that would be unpaid, and only if that would cause financial hardhip such as the inability to pay your bills or buy food for your family.

If the finances would be OK without your pay for a week or so, the children would be OK without you for a week or so, and DH is generally OK with you not being around for a week or so, then I'd go.

 

[emma'smom]

If you can, I would go for the surgery to be there to hear what the doctors have to say (makes it easier to make decisions and always good to have extra ears). If it looks like she'll be there awhile and your sister can stay, perhaps then you might drive home to work for a few days.

I went and sat with my dad when my mom had BC surgery. She was at stage 0 when they found it, so we were very cautiously optimistic that all would go well. However, just in case.......and so my mom would know she had my support (and to keep my dad's mind on other things), I went and sat with him in the waiting room. I'm glad I did because a cancer center is just a scary waiting room to be in. They try to make it as comfortable as possible for families---but it is what it is.

My dad and I went and got lunch and made small talk, looked through a few websites (not related to the situation) on my computer.....just stuff to keep our minds on other things.

Note-- because of family/work obligations, I drove down separately and then, when she came through the surgery ok (still--- I always knock wood regardless--so know virtual wood), I waited until I could see her and then headed back to run some work-related errands on my way home. My point-- maybe strike a time-balance so you are there to show your support, but can still get back for other obligations.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I wish I had one more day with my mother and the ability to have that choice.

Go.

I agree completely. I was with my mom when she died; she'd had emergency surgery the night before, and my brother still regrets that he went to pick up his son for the weekend instead of seeing my mom one last time.

 

[minkydog]

I am sorry this is happening again. Your mom must be so scared, as I'm sure you are as well. If it were my mother I would go. DH would just have to suck it up unless he was physically incapable of caring for the kids. This is one of those times when your mom needs all the support she can get. Check with your HR and see if you are eligible to use FMLA for this. It will protect your job.

I would also engage the other sister in a conversation about this trip. She may or may not feel up to doing it, but i'm sure she would like to be included in the plans. I was completely surprised when I asked my younger sister, who is *not* a medical type, to take my mother for a colonoscopy because she lives 45 min away and I live 8 hrs away. DSis was tickled pink that I asked; she felt like I "trusted her" to do the right thing. And she did!

Keep us posted. I hope there is something they can do to help your mother.

 

[FireDancer]

I'd go. It might be inconvenient and difficult but when you mom is gone (hopefully in many years of course) would you rather look back and know you were there for her or look ba ck and regret trading convenience for support. They missed work will be a moment in time that is soon forgotten, being there for your mom will be there forever.

There might be a 3rd option. Would it work out better if your sister took your mom and you went a bit later? That way you would be there for your mom when she is recovering but you might be able to get in at least a half day.

I still think going is the way to go but if going later makes more sense and still lets you be there for your mom it could be a reasonable compromise.

I apologies if this came up, I only read the first couple of posts.

 

[TupperMom7]

Thank you all for your responses and well wishes for my mother.

I have cleared the time off with my boss. We can get by without the money that I would have made on those days without incurring any late fees or missed mortgage payments.

The only thing holding me back now is that my husband doesn't want me to go. He thinks my sister can handle it alone and I don't need to go. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and even then it was back and forth on the computer. He left for work today before I came down, so I know he's upset. We have to go to my dd11 concert tonight - that should be interesting.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP,

Being a wife, mom, sister, & daughter is a juggling act sometimes.

Prayers for you DM!

TC