if a friends sibling gets busted

[golfgal]

Look at every single family you know that has more than one child and find ONE where all of their kids have the same personality, same level of responsibility, same motivation level, etc. Just because there is one child in a family that has done something wrong doesn't mean they all will. Heck, look at your own siblings, are they all perfect?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

for drugs would you end the friendship with the friend?

DD's friends' bro was arrested @ school for drugs (we heard it from another mom & then the friend comfirmed her bro was involved - but denied he was taking the drugs - was gonna flush 'em )

Been trying to decide what to do - right now I've decided to just not allow dd at the girls' house - but allow the girl to come to ours.

In this kind of case what would you tell the mom as to why your child can't come over any more to spend the night -when she once was allowed?

Just curious

Tell the mom the truth. Tell her that since she has a son with a drug problem you are not allowing your dd over there for now.

What else are you going to do? Lie all the time? Because that will get old and not turn out well either.

This is a serious situation and requires you to be honest to the mom.

I do not agree with how you are handling it however who is to say it is not the wrong choice? You do not know the whole story over at this house, nor do you know the drugs.

My vote is that you go over and have a heart to heart talk with the mom before you ban your dd from their house.

 

[Mom of 3 Princesses]

I'm sure the mom will know why and I doubt she will ask. If she does, I would be honest and tell her you arent comfortable. I would not end the friendship. Wouldnt even consider it. As you said, the girls can play at your house. Can you imagine how the girl would feel if she was punished for her brothers actions?

This

She didn't do it, her brother did. Her life is probably turned upside down at home for the actions of her brother already, don't punish her for something she didn't do and take away her friends too!! Poor kiddo, I feel bad for her!! How horrible things must be for her. I would not force my daughter to stop being her friend... instead I would take this as an opportunity to stress to my child to stay away from drugs because they ruin lives and also remind her that to be an open ear to someone that just might need a friend right now.

 

[mhsjax]

Nope.
yes my kids will be or have been exposed to drugs in school, doesn't mean I want them at someones house who has been busted for using them. Sorry, my kid won't be there.

 

[kacaju]

BTDT. My dd was not allowed to sleep over the friends house as long as the sister was in the house. The parents ended up sending the older dd away to some special school and once that was done dd could sleepover there again. The friend was welcome here at anytime.
This kid had a habit of climbing out the window to see her friends in the middle of thenight. She had friends sneaking into the house in the middle of the night then there was h*** if the parents caught her...Not anything i *needed* my dd exposed to.

 

[DaisyLynn]

My sibling is in prison because of his addictions, would you not be friends with me?

I know, you are actually talking about kids here, not grownups. But it's the first thing that I thought of after reading the first sentence of your post.

My son's best friend's brother has a drug problem. Parents recognize the problem, and are doing lots of things to try and help, but he still struggles greatly. Honestly, I'm consistently amazed at their strength and the way that their love for their child shines through in the middle of a very difficult situation. I'm not sure I could do such a good job.

I am confident that the younger brother isn't using. I have talked to my child, he knows the older brother is addicted, and knows the older brother might conceivably offer him something. He knows what to do if that happens. I still let him go there, still let him spend the night. In some ways I think it's been good for my son to see this boy go through this. He sees how the family is in hurt by this. He sees how the older child loses in so many ways because of his problem. He can't really deny that the older child has lost a lot, and changed a lot due to his addiction. If anything, I think it will make it less likely for him to use.

In addition, this is my child's best friend. He's going through a lot because of this situation. His parents are friends of mine. They're already suffering, and isolating them isn't going to help.

If my son wants to use, he'll figure out a way to get access. It's really not that hard. Keeping him away from this family won't make it less likely if he decides to use.

I agree with this.

Unless it is a situation that a PP mentioned (people/strangers sneaking in and out of the house at night, parents condoning drug use, etc), I would certainly allow the friendship to continue as normal. Why punish these kids? Why break the hearts of the parents even more than they already are?

 

[mamacatnv]

for drugs would you end the friendship with the friend?

DD's friends' bro was arrested @ school for drugs (we heard it from another mom & then the friend comfirmed her bro was involved - but denied he was taking the drugs - was gonna flush 'em )

Been trying to decide what to do - right now I've decided to just not allow dd at the girls' house - but allow the girl to come to ours.

In this kind of case what would you tell the mom as to why your child can't come over any more to spend the night -when she once was allowed?

Just curious

No, I would not TRY to end a friendship. There is no real way YOU can end a friendship unless you move or change schools or something.

Your DD shared information with you, IMO you are overreacting and the problem is that the more you do that the less your kids will tell you. Staying in the loop and keeping the lines of communication is so very important going into the teen years. I would be very careful about reacting to something that does not really directly affect your DD.

 

[MrsPete]

This is a tough one, and the most important detail in the whole situation is that you talk to YOUR CHILD and make sure she knows where you stand on the drug thing. She needs to be crystal clear that your family is not a bit soft on this topic (i.e, no "oh, it's just a little pot" type thing). Talk to her about what to say and do when one day she's in a social situation where people are using drugs.

The best thing you can do now is allow the other child to come to your house. I agree that it's unfair to assume she's going to turn out to be like her brother, BUT at the same time I've noticed over the years that siblings' views towards alcohol/drugs tend to be more similar than dissimilar. So I'd say that the girl shouldn't be judged when she hasn't done anything wrong -- but she should be watched closely.

The person who said it happens in good families is exactly right. Anytime you say, "My kid couldn't get into drugs because ______" (fill in the blank with anything you please -- because I've talked to him about it, because he saw his cousin go through drug rehab, because we take him to church, etc.) . . . anytime you say it couldn't happen, you're fooling yourself. ALL parents need to be vigilant on this subject.

 

[Colleen27]

Absolutely not. I wouldn't even restrict my child from going over to the friend's house without more reason. If the parents were treating it as no big deal, or if the drugs came from the parents, or if they knew about the older child's drug use then of course that home would be off limits but plenty of kids from good homes manage to get their hands on and use drugs away from home without their parents' knowledge.

My little brother is an addict and was very publically busted with pot on school grounds when he was a freshman and I was a junior. The fact that many of my friends, teammates, bandmates were suddenly not allowed to come over to my house, or ride in my car, or in a couple of cases associate with me at all aside from at school/extracurriculars was very hurtful. It was bad enough that so much of my homelife at that point was all about my brother's isses without it spilling over into my social life too.

 

[twinboysmom]

My bil is an addict (among other things) and lives with my in laws. I don't see his behavior ever changing. I don't deny my in laws time with their grandchildren but I can certainly understand your concern. I would talk to your DD at length. Hopefully this friend's brother straightens his act up and learns from his situation. Unfortunately, there will be many more opportunities that come along in your DD's life where she will have to make a decision regarding drugs. The same with all of our children. We can only hope they make the right one. So, yes, I would still let her go.

 

[3boymthr]

I have a brother who was essentially an addict (he never took anything physically addicting only mentally). All through HS and into college he took all kinds of pills, dropped acid, smoked pot like it was going out of style. He took so many drugs that even his druggie friends became concerned and they conducted what today would be called an intervention. His behavior in no way influenced my own as I personally have never taken any drugs of any kind - no pot, no pills, nothing. I hate taking prescription or OTC meds even. So, no, unless I suspected that the sibling also had a drug problem I absolutely would not attempt to break the friendship. I might restrict visits to the child's house but even that would be dependent upon the atmosphere at the house as a whole. I would also as PP suggested have a discussion with your child about what might happen with the sibling offering her drugs and how to handle the situation.

 

[luvmyfam444]

thanks for the replies.
I did have the girl over to spend the night -I didn't ask & she didn't offer any info.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Nope, wouldn't make the kids end their friendship. Guilt by association.