I was original poster on "attitude" and SAHM

[shelly3girls]

I greatly respect SAHMs, I know their job is difficult. My job is difficult also. I would love to stay at home but please remember that some women in today's society are the actual breadwinners of the family even when both parents are working. I would love for DH to stay home and take care of the kids but I know how hard it is and I really don't know if he could handle it.

We actually discussed DH staying home and he said he wanted to so that he could golf every morning in his free time. I asked, what free time??

 

[hellow]

I also felt compelled to chime in and agree with MiaSRN62. I have been lucky to have jobs where I was able to take time to take my kids to doctor appointments, attend plays/school activities/games/swim meets, etc... I worked in public accounting when they were very young, and now work in finance for a large corporation and both jobs were/are EXTREMELY family-friendly in that way. As long as I get my work done (even if it means staying up until midnight working at home) my employers have let me be flexible. (My husband also has a job where he has flexibility to attend kids' things as well.)

I have 3 kids and they are all in high school now, and they all three went to the same daycare while I was working. The really interesting thing is, the teachers they had at the daycare still come up and talk with them and feel a bond with them 10+ years later if they see them around town. I marvel how we were blessed to find a wonderful place to take our kids when we both HAD to work.

By the way, I have experienced and heard stories of not-so-caring-parents where the kids would have been BETTER OFF in daycare, so it goes both ways. Whatever works for your family in your particular situation--there is no perfect situation that works for everyone.

 

[ksumn1]

I'm also a working mom of 2 DDs (6 and 2) who actually wants to be a SAHM, but I honestly don't think that I could do it without driving myself crazy. In our family, money is an issue. We could scrape by if I stopped working but there would be very little if any extra $ for vacations, weekend trips, etc. And I admit that I am a neat freak and also pretty picky. Now I can handle some messiness and chaos because after all, they're kids and I don't want them to be obsessive compulsive about cleaning like I tend to be. But to stay home all day, cook, clean, fix dinner, clean, play, clean, do crafts, clean........I think my entire family would be miserable after a month. I have a fairly flexible job since I work as a Reservations Agent for an airline, and can usually do a shift adjustment or give away extra shifts if I need too to attend school function, ball games, dr's appt's. So right now, I have a nice balance of home and family life. Bit it is still soo hard...I feel pulled in 20 different directions at times, but I think that is a facet of motherhood not neccesarily of being a working mom. So, I understand the challenges of the working mom, and although I've never walked in their shoes, I also realize the amount of time, effort, and hard work that it takes to be a SAHM also. I personally don't think that one "job" is better or harder than the other because each role has its unique challenges. I think that whatever is right for you be it working, staying home, going to school, etc we should all be proud of ourselves. Every post I have read so far has been from women who are all trying to do the right thing for their families and themselves and I applaud all of ya'll!

 

[Nschur]

I haven't seen much about SAHDs. But there are several of them here where I work. Sounds weird I know but here is what happens. We work for the fire department and work 24/48. That means we work a full day and then are off for two. Most of us including myself work 2 jobs. Mostly we run a small side bussiness of our own. Mine has been Remodeling. Now that We have the 2 young kids and my dd5 is in school and I have to pick her up at 2:30 I had to temporarily close my remodel business. But on the flip side I do get to see more of my kids than most dads and quite a few moms I believe. I am now pretty much Mr. mom. I cook, clean, wash clothes, and still do all the "manly" chores. I Still have to say I don't know how a true SAHM does it. I tell you what... by the time my shift at the fire station comes around I am soo ready for it. It's like having a guys day out. My coworker has 3 boys 2,3 and 6 and I just can't understand how he keeps his sanity. I only have 1 ds2 and boy is he a handful We do have to put him in daycare on the days that I work but fortunately up until now it has been with Granny. But this only happens during the week when my dw is at work. My point is that we all have different lives and what works for one may not work for another. We make our choices and have to live with them so there is no need to be jealous of someone else or look down on them, they are doing what is best for them not you. I know that my wife gets real jealous of me because I get to spend more time with the kids than she does. Ohhh but does she like the fact that I do housework.

 

[Mom of Sleepy Bashful and BabyDoc]

and I couldn't be happier!! I know I am truly blessed to be able to do this, not that we are rolling in the money either. YOu don't even want to know how much we pay for my DH law school debt. Yikes!! And not to mention some business loans........all this could be paid back quicker if I worked but our families' "quality of life" would suffer. (I'm saying this for OUR family only)

I have total respect for the moms that have to work. I don't know how they do it and have a peaceful family life. When I get really busy, I tend to run around like the proverbial chicken , I can't imagine throwing a PT or FT job into that. My family doesn't want to be around me when I'm like that.

Before I became a SAHM, I worked for 9 years. I remember a woman I worked with that had 2 children and they were involved in everything under the sun, she baked all the time for us at work, kept an emaculate house, made dinner everynight..........just thinking about it now makes me break out in a sweat. I don't know how she did it. She must not have needed much sleep! She was like WonderWoman!

For me, it was like my "career" finally began when my DD was born. I knew that "this" was what I was meant to be. I know, sounds dumb. But I have so much confidence about this decision (notice I didn't say I have a lot of confidence in HOW I do my job........I'm constantly doubting myself and my "job performance" ) that I could care less about what some of society says about me.......jokes, those "looks" I get when I tell them that I homeschool, .........it doesn't bother me one bit because I know what I am doing now will affect generations to come in my family.

I know some can't have it this way or don't want it this way. That's fine.

My mother was a WOHM from the time I was in 2nd grade on. How can I disrespect a woman who works outside the home when my own mother did that??!! I have no judgements for them at all.........I saw my mom's struggle. Some of you have much better jobs than she did. She couldn't leave to see my field hockey games, or track meets or talk with me after school about the day I had (at least until 8 at night ) She was just trying to survive the laundry! I do have to admit though that I dreaded the daycare thing after school and I missed our little talks after school. Remembering those times, I'm sure, had a part in my decision to become a SAHM. But was I scarred for life??........no...........my mother did what she felt she had to do and I loved/love her for the mother she was/is.

Oh, just one other thing............just wanted to add that it is possible to do a degree from home. I started college in 1982, did 2 1/2 years on site and then got married, moved and for the next 17 years (on and off) did correspondence courses through my University. I GRADUATED IN 2002 and my youngest was 2 1/2 years old and my other two were 6 and 9...........the whole family came, along with lots of friends to see me "walk". It was one of the proudest days of my life! I don't care that it took me 20 years, I can say I did it. Does it mean anything though, because I don't "work" and I'm a SAHM?? Sure it does, education is never wasted. And I showed my children that I finished something important that I started.


Finally..........here's to ALL moms...............may our landry piles be few, our recipes be easy, our housework be light, our chocolate overflowing..........and may our children have SOME clue as to what we do for them before the age of 30!

 

[txgirl]

For me, it was like my "career" finally began when my DD was born. I knew that "this" was what I was meant to be. I know, sounds dumb. But I have so much confidence about this decision (notice I didn't say I have a lot of confidence in HOW I do my job........I'm constantly doubting myself and my "job performance" ) that I could care less about what some of society says about me.......jokes, those "looks" I get when I tell them that I homeschool, .........it doesn't bother me one bit because I know what I am doing now will affect generations to come in my family.

This is exactly how I feel! I am living my life-long dream.

For years I struggled with how to support friends and family who "choose" to work because I personally couldn't understand it because I felt like the above quote and I assumed EVERYONE should feel the way I do. I am growing wiser (and older ) and have come to realize that it really does take all kinds to make the world go 'round. I can't help but think there are those who are out there working and have that desire to be home but can't see around the $$$ signs. You don't HAVE to do both to be fulfilled. (money aside here) You can make the mundane into something grand when you see the grand scheme of things!

I do feel if you have that deep heart's desire to be a homemaker and you can make the budget work it can be a rewarding and fulfilling "job" No need to knock anyone who can't or anyone who chooses a different job.

Bottom line-there is a wealth of encouragement on these boards and I think passion overrides sensitivity at times. I'm glad this thread made its way around to affirmation of all moms regardless of how they choose to run their household!

 

[hellow]

Finally..........here's to ALL moms...............may our landry piles be few, our recipes be easy, our housework be light, our chocolate overflowing..........and may our children have SOME clue as to what we do for them before the age of 30!

LOL! I was just talking to my sister who home schools and has always been a SAHM. She said her son (18) was complaining that he "missed out" because he didn't get to go to a regular school, and I told her I am sure my kids will be complaining that I "abandoned them" in daycare. But, hopefully when they get to be about 30 they will realize what we do for them.

Cheers to ALL moms!

 

[Carrie Ellis]

But.... I do have friends who say that they wish that they could stay home with their kids and as we are talking they are standing by their $35K SUV and the list goes on. I still work part time for the gov (at home) and so most of the woman & men I know work for the gov't in DC. The commute and the 8-9 hour day puts the kids in day care for 11-12 hours. I could not and would not do that to my kids (not considering the $$ of daycare for 4). I had 2 sets of twins so I was "forced" to make decision that I thought might never work but they did! It is amazing what will work if you put your mind to it and become creative! I do not want expensive things at the cost of not being with my kids and shaping their lives. As I get older and wiser, I am finding myself evaluating how much time I really have on this earth. Not in a grim way but just common sense that really life is short and the time that my kids are little is even shorter.

I do think that woman (and men) who choose to be SAHM or D should have other interest that would keep them in the work force if something happened and they had to go back. I want to always have some type employeeable (is that word???) interest.

 

[The Sorrentino's]

I do think that woman (and men) who choose to be SAHM or D should have other interest that would keep them in the work force if something happened and they had to go back. I want to always have some type employeeable (is that word???) interest.

Thank you for writing that because it was very hard for me to explain to my husband and my friends (who are SAHMs). I think that's what I'm trying to do. I want to at least know something or have some experience outside of the home just in case I was forced to work or help provide for my family monetarily.

Cadence

 

[Carrie Ellis]

Cadence, Hi! I am from Arlington, TX, born and raised! We are trying to get back but it looks like Atlanta, GA, might be the closest for now. We are waiting to hear on that job soon.

Yes, You need to have something for yourself. On top of security, it is good mentally. Even if you, for example, took one computer class each semester at a local University. Something..... Even having a degree but staying at home to take care of your family for 10-15 years does not mean that you will be able to go right back into the work force! And it does not mean that you have to work an hourly job! Many woman and men have interest and talent that they can use but you can not let them fall to the side and not worry about yourself for 20 years! I did always take a year after I had baby (well babies because mine come 2 at a time) off from working PT or FT. It is too much to handle, sometimes, right away. Good luck!!!

 

[hellow]

But.... I do have friends who say that they wish that they could stay home with their kids and as we are talking they are standing by their $35K SUV and the list goes on

Careful: This can be perceived as the "attitude" that keeps all of us moms (SAHM and those that work outside the home) from supporting each other. I think we have all agreed that there is no one solution that works for everyone. There are so many variables (financial situation, commute time, flexibility with work hours, etc) that we all just need to be happy with our own decision and not judge other's decisions.

I had an interesting conversation with someone in my group at work that lives in Spain. He was telling me that they have long, big lunches as a group together during the work week and also work long hours. He also said two-income families were very common. My first question was, "How do you have any time with your family?" and he said that the accepted culture is to have mulitple generations living together, and the kids spend a lot of time with the grandparents. I wasn't sure I could spend that much time at work away from my family like that, but it was an accepted practice for him in his culture. Another example of how different situations work well for different people.

 

[Nik's Mom]

Thank you for writing that because it was very hard for me to explain to my husband and my friends (who are SAHMs). I think that's what I'm trying to do. I want to at least know something or have some experience outside of the home just in case I was forced to work or help provide for my family monetarily.

Cadence

That's very smart. My cousin has been a sahm for 15 years and is trying to go back to work, but no one is giving her a break. She can't find a job she qualifies for. She finally decided to take computer classes to at least have those skills and is kicking herself for not doing that sooner. It's a goos idea for us sahm's to try and keep up with technology.

 

[lmhall2000]

I have a unique take on this topic...

*I was a nanny for 2 years post college graduation
Got to see first hand why children need their parents. It's not a want, it's a definite need just as feeding and sleep are. I wish more understood this, earlier.

*My husband was a SAHD for our children's first five years....I received all kinds of remarks from both sides of the fence...women saying.."YOU GO GIRL...bring home that bacon" and others saying, "what a disservice to your husband." I would not try to explain to everyone but our rationale was always one parent at all times with our children....I was injured in a car accident and could not pick up our children as infants so my husband volunteered and put his career on hold....many said it would cripple his chances in his field missing 5 years...well, it's 5 years later and he's making more than any of those folks who made those comments.

I had a very successful career and many of my coworkers were dubious as to why I would leave such a lucrative and promising career path to stay home with my children when I could well afford nannies or au pairs for that position...I was a nanny, I saw the effects it had on the children, and these are children that are supposedly "privileged"...live in million dollar residences...vacation in France/Martha's vineyard etc...and go to 15k a year prep schools...I also nannied two parent families that were average income but still had the two nice new cars in the driveway....that could take me a whole nother direction.

I have found no other rewarding position in my life as parenting my children. I only have this position for 15-20 years...and my life expectancy is 80....so for the other 40 productive years of my life I'm sure I'll find plenty to fulfill myself with. But, for this segment....nothing could top the privilege of staying home with what my husband and I were blessed with.

Tara

 

[CapeCodFam]

I an a SAHM that has never had a real job either. I haven't gotten any attitude about it. I feel I am very lucky to be able to stay home w/my 3 boys. I do plan to work when mt 3yr old is in first grade. Nothing big just working as aschool lunch lady can't ask for better hours they match my boys. Our school always wants moms to work for them as a lunch lady. I like being able to stll be w/with my boys as they get older. my mom did it and so did her sister, come to think of it my aunt has never done anything else, now she helps out w/ her grandkids and i'd like to be able to do that some day.
I marvel at wmoms I don't know how they get every thing done,but some how they do

 

[The Sorrentino's]

Well, I commend working moms because I cannot imagine having to work outside eight hours per day and then have to come home and do what I do each day as a SAHM in about 3 or 4 hours. Thumbs up to all of you.

I started thinking about going to college about six months after 9/11 and how that could have taken my husband away, but thankfully, due to a business trip I get to be with him every day. What if something happened to him where I was left to raise my children on my own and didn't have enough savings or enough life insurance or enough aid to get us by? I started to think about how dependent I am on my husband and if he were not here how would I make it from day to day. Some moms are saying that they sacrifice what they CAN have, like $35k cars sitting in their driveways, if they worked to stay home with their kids and I do undersstand that tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. The issue is about money and that's why most working mom's work to make a better life for their themselves and their children. I hope I got that out right.

My question is this: In that scenario, how do would you deal with this issue IF it were to occur? The "what ifs" or do you not think about it at all? Or maybe it's just my own personal thoughts.

Cadence

 

[Bella2000]

Interesting conversation. We had decided before we had children that one parent would always be at home until the child started school. We had our daughter later in life when both careers were well in place. I was SAHM to my daughter for the first 2 1/2 yrs and then when there were rumors of my husbands business having a RIF I went back to work and two months later they closed his division. We decided he would stay home with our daughter and he has for the second 2 1/2 yrs. Now he is rejoining what I call the paying workforce because being a SAHanything is workforce just one that is underpaid.

I love my job. I also loved being with my daughter. My DH has had ups and downs being a SAHD. Many times he was the only male. Playdates didn't occur unless I generated them. He felt uncomfortable doing the "park thing" with strangers. Overall, I think that it has been fabulous for my daughter and for him as well. (I say I had the tougher period and he had the fun one ). It has absolutely given him a great appreciation of the role! I think it has been difficult being a SAHD for societal reasons. He's a fabulous father and I feel every day that we were fortunate how things have worked out.

It was very important that both of us maintained our skills for when we reentered the work force. While I was home I maintained contact with my old boss and colleagues. Initially my DH didn't understand and thought I pined for my old job. I missed something but it wasn't really my old job but the esteem that I was given for the excellent work that I provided. As a SAHM I knew that my work was just as important, just as good but because there wasn't a monetary value associated with it it's hard for people to conceptualize the worth. That was very difficult for me initially. If I was asked what I did I referred to my old job. I was still learning to juggle the "me" portion of the role with the all consuming care-taker role when I went back into the work force. The part I found very interesting was my DH had no issue ensuring that he had his gym schedule worked out and me time. His existence as a SAHD has probably been more well rounded than mine.

I think that it is important as parents to plan for emergent situations. It's important to learn or keep up with information, learn skills, make or keep contacts because you never know what could happen. My cousin said something interesting to her mom. Her mom was very disapproving of a decision that she made regarding her family (she and her husband work). She said "Mom, in your lifetime your choices were to be a full time mom, or a teacher or a nurse. In my lifetime I am expected to be a mom, and a teacher and a nurse" I so get that statement.

 

[HappyLawyer]

It is hard enough being a parent, i commend the SAHM's because i am sure it could be more pressure then a job, no one should judge, i stayed at home i was given the oprion and it was tough, people don't realize how long and involved a day can be with your kids.

 

[Carrie Ellis]

I am not creating an attitude when I just state a fact that some do choose certain lifestyles that require a full time job for both parents. It is truly none of my business but I do hear it when they call me and tell me all the details of their life. One friend I can think of keeps buying large ticket items and just had her 3rd child. She is so overwhelmed and keeps going deeper and deeper in debt (They have a brand new Tahoe, Harley and just bought a 1/2 million dollar home). We live now in a society were many can not fathom living without and feel like they have to keep up with the Joneses. It is so refreshing to read the Budget Board and see that there are people out there that are choosing to live below their means and are proud of it. I know the difference between working to put food on the table verses working to buy a very expensive vehicle and both are ok. But, I was just saying that some of my friends are feeling pressured to work to pay for many things that their family would thrive without until they can pay for it with cash or at least not be strained. I support SAHM and D and SAWM and D because we are all of them but families must learn that it is ok and "cool" to make choices that might put you in a used minivan for a few years so that your family can have more choices.

The younger generation, I feel, are coming into even more debt. My sister is getting married next year. Her fiance already has 40K in school loans. They are planning on both working for 2 years and putting one of their salaries toward the loan to knock it out. My sister already knows that she wants to be at home with her kids so she will wait til the loan is gone before they start a family. She is a GeoPhysics major so she has a great job and pay. She knows what she is getting into and I am proud of her for planning ahead.

Ok....I need to feed my kids! ha!

 

[txgirl]

Carrie I am also in Virginia and I think I know your Tahoe driving, Harley owning, in debt to their eyeballs family! These are lifestyle choices and there is NOTHING wrong with them but I don't think you should use them as a reason for not being able to stay home!

I get what you are saying and there is nothing argumentative about it. Don't say, "I wish I could stay home......" and then make choices that make that impossible. There is a huge sacrafice $$$ with cutting one income. We are probably an extreme case because of the age when we had our first and our really poor planning but when dd-10 was born we had no plans of me quitting. No plans that is until the night before I was to go back to work . Cried my eyes out and told dh I cannot leave this baby everyday. We sold both cars, bought a 12 year old Buick Regal with an awful oil leak and lived on a pretty consistent diet of beans and cornbread This was almost 11 years ago and with a total of 3 children and a truly God's providence in our life we are no longer cruising the streets with our Hooptie Car!

Not one regret and as far as providing "things" for my children we have been blessed beyond measure since that time. I have definitely had to do things to make ends meet but because of my own experiences with childcare (I have worked daycare and preschool in some of the very best centers in our town) I still could never place any of mine in a facility like this. I know there are "great" centers but no matter what babies and toddlers are NEVER given the care they need there. This may stir the pot but truthfully there is a lack of honesty about this subject.

I have agreed with the majority of this thread and the posters seem to be geniunely wonderful caring mothers. I do think there are mothers who want to work, rather than need to work and they are afraid to say, "hey I love my job and I wouldn't quit no matter how much money I have". Instead they complain about how they "have" to work and how they "wish" they could stay home.

As far as the future is concerned : We have a decent life insurance policy that would afford me the ability to be home at least until my children were raised. I cannot imagine something happening to my husband but if it did the last thing I would want to do would be start a career at that point! I would think my kiddos would need me most then?

 

[Carrie Ellis]

Oh my txgirl!!! You are not from Texas too??? are you??? I am from Arlington, TX and living in Spotsylvania, VA I like it here but sure would like to move back home! The jobs opening are just not happening. We are gov't people so it is pretty much a demotion to move back (that we are willing to do, just not a huge demotion!).

I totally agree with what you said.