I told them, it was VERY clear. Now what?

[lw49033]

I still don't get the attitude that the kid should face consequences but the 2 adults should be let off scott free.

IMO, both should. The kid needs a punishment and the adults need a serious clarification of the ground rules so that no such thing happens again.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I understand the point that the Grandparents need a clarification on following the parents rules, but some of these posts sound seriously overboard for what is really a case of Grandparents just spoiling the kids a little.

I would LOVE it if my kids had Grandparents who would do cool things like take them out and do wacky things that Mom kind of frowns upon. Those are the best kinds of Grandma's and Grandpa's IMHO.

My kids got Grandparents who don't remember birthdays, have numerous problems, and can't even be trusted to babysit for an hour -- much less whole afternoons. Can my kids borrow these "terrible" people for a bit? I'd be willing to put up with too much candy, a mohawk, or even toys that Mom would never allow them to own GLADLY.

 

[C.Ann]

I have thought about the authority thing a lot since yesterday. Gene and I spent a long time discussing it. I am not a pushover, in fact a lot of people think I'm way too pushy. So it does cut both ways.

In this day and age, and no, this is not an attack on anyone here, people can be quick to cut ties with family. Gene and I know that his parents will do things that undercut our authority. It's not fun and we have spoken to them but we have also see there is no malice in it when they do it. They are not trying to hurt us or make us feel like horrible parents, they just do what they do and don't listen. It's not just us either. My sister in law is getting a healthy dose of reality now that she has a little one.

Those grandparents are putty in the boys hands, heaven help the one who has the first girl! Maybe I need to step in, or Gene and tell them about it but I grew up in a different kind of family. My grandparents loved me, in their way, but being adopted I was not really, well you know, they never really loved me as much as the birth grandchildren, my cousins. It was no secret and I frequently heard the words, "the adopted one," like I was a freak.

My mother and father in law loved my adopted boys without hesitation or reservation from day one. They have never shown one moments bit of attention more for the birth grandchildren.

Raised in a time when racism was the norm, especially in the deep south, they have both not once mentioned my boys race as anything to be but very proud of. That means a lot to me. Why is this even an issue? Because my mother in law cut off one of her brothers for years for making a crack. He honestly never thought it was a bad thing to do, none of her family understood why she was upset. She gladly sacraficed close ties for the betterment of my son. I have a right to expect that but in an imperfect world, it's not always like that.

Does it bug the heck out of me when they do stuff like this? Yes, and on the big issues we do stand up for ourselves. Sometimes we do things that upset them and visa versa, (obviously) but in the end, I believe, we have to allow some things to slip by and meet in the middle. Knowing there will be issues we do dumb things over.

We mentioned it was a problem to them on the phone, we hope they understand. In the end the love on their faces when they look at those boys is too precious to quibble over. I get hurt, I heal and I have in-laws that bug me to death, but that I love with all my heart.

Hang tight Scuttle. I am going to get a pic up here within the hour.

------------------------------------------

What a great post - and a great outlook!

My DD used to have a lot of issues with her in-law's (her DH is an only child and my DGD is their only grandchild).. (Heck - I've had some issues with them myself - LOL..) But they have always been there for my DD, her DH, my DGD - and yes, even my late DH & I when things got really rough for us.. My DD also went through a very, very rough time after the sudden death of her best friend and I've got to say, the in-laws were WONDERFUL..

Sure - there's still things that irk all of us (and I'm sure the in-laws have similar feelings) - but some bad times brought us all much closer together and we truly feel like one big happy family now..

They spoil the heck out of their DGD (ummm..sometimes so do I ) but we all got a lesson in how short life is so the "battles" are chosen MUCH more carefully now..

As for your son - my thinking on this is that he is old enough to bear a pretty large portion of the responsibility for this.. He knew it was a no-no and could have said to his grandparents, "I really can't do this.. Mom & Dad said no.." If he didn't, then I'd let him go to school and let the chips fall where they may..

Wow! I just really have to say how much I admire your attitude.. Way to go!!

 

[MerryPoppins]

I hope you didn't take my post wrong. I'm not confrontational. This is your situation, so you need to decide. You asked, so I was simply giving my opinion.

But I do think this is bigger than just grandma and grandpa spoiling the kids a little. You drew a line that was not to be crossed. Both your son and his grandparents crossed that line. If they get by with it, your son knows how he can continue to break your rules. Your rules are soft where the grandparents are concerned. Kids are smart. They figure out things like that in a snap.

No, this haircut is not that big a deal. But it's a slippery slope in my opinion. You'll never know if you can trust them to stick to their guns and say no.

And I think you are a much bigger person than I. Hope things go well for all of you no matter what you decide.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

You must...

This isn't meant as a dig at anyone. I just couldn't help thinking about it!

 

[minniecarousel]

Two words: buzz cut

 

[lw49033]

I would LOVE it if my kids had Grandparents who would do cool things like take them out and do wacky things that Mom kind of frowns upon. Those are the best kinds of Grandma's and Grandpa's IMHO.

"Kind of frowns upon" is not in the same category as "disregarding specific instructions."

We all know that when things aren't carefully spelled out, grandparents and other caretakers are going to use a certain amount of discretion. When things ARE spelled out and the caretaker dismisses it anyway, that is insulting to the parent, I don't care what kind of excuses anyone wants to make for it.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

yeah well whatever. I'd still borrow these people if the OP wants to give them to me.

Heck, I seriously doubt if my MIL would even recognize her Grandsons if she met them strolling through the mall. If she did recognize them, she probably wouldn't care all that much unless she thought they'd loan her $50 to go gambling.

In the grand scheme of things, this incident will soon be long past. Make sure the kids enjoy having the love of those Grandparents while they can. I miss my Grandpa like crazy. He used to let me puff on his pipe.

 

[poohandwendy]

In the grand scheme of things, this incident will soon be long past.

LOL, true. But, you have to admit...the OP was asking what people thought she should do about the ILs (because she knows her DH will not deal with them)...so, that is why people are suggesting ways to deal with them.

 

[lbgraves]

If DS ever came home with that it would be shaved off before he ever went outside again. I don't care if the school allows it or not. I would be extremely upset with my ILs & it would be a long time before they were ever alone with my kids again.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

How did it go today?

 

[smilingmouse]

here's another update request...please fill us in

TIA

 

[mom2boys]

I know it's too late. But I think the perfect consequence would be to send him to school. And have the school send him home because he is not conforming to the dress code. However, you & your DH should not be available to pick him up. Instruct the school to contact Grandma & Grandpa.

I can tell you that my son would think he was cool until he got in trouble at school. Suddenly he wouldn't be so thrilled with Grandma & Grandpa. In fact, he'd let them know "they" got him in trouble. Then I'd be forced to give the "you knew better, you made the choice, you live with the consquences" lecture to DS.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

I have gotten such a chuckle out of this whole thing--it's just exactly what my stepdaughter's natural mother does when my stepdaughter visits her on vacation. Only for us, it was hair dye at age 10, ear piercings at a young age with no follow-up care and subsequent infections, motorcycle rides at age 5 with no helmet...I could go on.

Last summer my stepdaughter called from her natural mother's house and said, "Paige, Mom wants to take me to get my belly button pierced. Is that okay?"

It's a good thing that you guys still get along in spite of stuff like this. Needless to say, the road with my stepdaughter's natural mother has been much more rocky.

I'm dying to know how school went today.

 

[Beth76]

But I do think this is bigger than just grandma and grandpa spoiling the kids a little.

I agree. It's not like they took them out for ice cream or gave them some candy or let them stay up late. They altered the kid's appearance. Granted, it will grow back or it can be fixed. But that doesn't change the fact that they specifically went against the OPs wishes. I don't think it warrants the OP to sever all ties with the in-laws, but if she wants things to change she (or preferably the husband) needs to do something about it. I guess it doesn't seem to be bothering the OP anymore.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

Where's my update???


How did it go?

 

[YourMajesty]

Two words: buzz cut

This might be the logical consequence everyone needs. I'm sure having an eight year olds head shaved isn't that cool...at least I wouldn't want to see my eight year old with a shaved head. It's not like he can keep it with the school rules... so if it was worth a bald head

 

[lw49033]

I thought the haircut was cute, but that has nothing to do with the fact that the grandparents went against the specific instructions of the parent.

 

[nliedel]

I had internet issues yesterday then I was sucking my thumb because one of the pieces I wrote for a book was apparently pulled prior to publication. Nevermind being happy two went, I am mourning the one they yanked. Typical.

Anyway, well I e-mailed the teacher and he never got back to me. So I called the school and spoke to the secretary. I am confounded and upset by their answer, which was: "It's against the dress code, and we discourage it but we don't do anything about it." I don't know why I'm surprised?


So we took away his Playstation for a month for being a manipulative so and so. He is really upset about the Playstation, but something tells me he'll survive the experience. Holding him down and shaving him while he screams seems cruel to us and since the school is going to allow it we are not going to do that.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I just found this thread and I think you sound like great parents.