I told them, it was VERY clear. Now what?

[hiwaygal]

IMHO, the OP has the best attitude I have heard in a loooong time.

I've been thinking this too!!!

Let us know how school goes on Monday, OP!

 

[ticktock]

[

His FIRST haircut? Against your wishes?? Oh, that would've done it for me. No more haircuts with Grandma and Grandpa. Nope. Never again

I have to agree. I'm all for getting along with the inlaws, but I would have freaked out BAD over this.

I'm sorry but your inlaws do seem a bit irresponsible. So is my mom, but she would never go against school policy, just mine.

Funny story, when my son was 9 I let him get a mohawk just before summer vacation. There are no rules against mohawks BUT many of the teachers were extremely hateful to ds about it. Now his school was full of kids with mullets and hair extensions ( there was one little girl I tutored that had this horrible cheap hair extension that kept falling off, distracting her from her work, which she was already doing extremely poorly at, and making all the other kids tease her). They didn't have a problem with this, but a mohawk on a child that they all knew was being raised like Opie from the Andie Griffith show (ie totally clueless and innocent, they all said your ds is the sweetest boy I've ever had in my class, yada yada) this they had a problem with.

Now I will admit that he got the cut from an outgrown Harry Potter style cut so the mo was about 5" long or more. Um, and blue and er, white striped.(he he ) Oh and he probably was wearing his flame painted high tops too, or maybe the ones with the American flag? But it was the last couple days of school, it's not like his wicked hair cut was distracting anyone from anything important.

I thought he would get some flak from some of the other students, and I thought that would be a good thing. Teach him to stand up for what he believes in, or maybe that it isn't such an important great thing to attract attention for something that is such meaningless fluff as fashion or whats cool. What he learned from the experience was that adults can be real jacka$$es sometimes. SAD.

Not that I am saying that the op is wrong in any way. You are the parent. You set the rules. You send your kid to that school, you have to obey their rules. And in no way should your inlaws have done this. They are teaching your children to disrespect you. A cookie before dinner is a Grandmas privilege, not a rule breaking 'do.

Sorry this is sooo long. I do tend to ramble. By the way my ds has lots of toy guns, a red rider air rifle and a bow and arrows all of which he loves. This is also the child that "saves" moths and spiders from dh squishing them. Saves lizards from our cats and then nurses them back to health. Saves tadpoles from puddles that are drying up and raises them in a fish tank. Won't let me wash certain outside windows because spiders live there that he has watched five generations of being born. So I don't think the cap guns have hurt him any. JMHO.

 

[Papa Deuce]

I'd blow it off. You can't undo it, so what is the point of raising a fuss now? His hair will grow back. There'll be great pictures. And long after his Grandparents are dead your son will remember how they let him a get a mohawk when mom wouldn't (which is probably why they did it).

I agree. Take pictures and then shave it all off.

 

[lw49033]

I didn't mean to make it sound like I want to fight with Mom and Dad. Am I upset at them? Well yes, I feel like I should be but I am not going to go yell at them either. Pick your battles, this is just hair.

You're more forgiving than I would be. It's not just hair, it's a deliberate insult to your authority. I have an 8 yo and would throw a holy fit if my in-laws did anything like that. It's understandable when kids test your authority; although it has to be dealt with and sometimes punished, you can't take it personally. But to have grown adults conspiring with your kid against you, you can't take any other way than personally, at least I don't see how.

 

[tar heel]

You live in a place that surely has a Great Clips, Hair Cuttery or the like. I have three walk-in hair places that are open on Sunday within 5 minutes of my house. Just go have it taken off.

 

[Hannathy]

A lot of you must have in laws that are saints or walk on egg shells around you. I can't believe how worked up you are over "my authority". I think it is hillarious I chuckled all evening last night over it. I could just see my Mom doing that and like the poster I wish she were here to do something like that. Your son will always remember how neat it was the time Granma let me get that great haircut-too bad it isn't summer and he could keep it! When my nephew had his almost white blond hair died black and his mother was having a fit she dragged him to Granma to show her how awful it was and hopefully have her shame him for having done it BUT instead she asked him what brand and color he used because it came out so nice! He still talks about that. What does your son say should happen? I would explain the rules and see how he thinks it should be handled, all shaved or could the middle part be clipped more so it wouldn't take the whole head as long to grow out and just look like an uneven buzz. I wouldn't take him to school without calling the teacher first so I knew what would happen and then decide- you don't want him suspended or something.

Another idea wrap the top of his head in guaze and say he had an accident over the weekend, that would give you 2 weeks to let it grow before evening it out. Keep up the great attitude people are too serious anymore.

 

[skuttle]

4 pages and no pictures???? I wanna see the do!

I would probably be upset also since you specifically said "no mohawks." But, it is just hair. Be thankful that they are willing to be a part of your son's life! My inlaws are happy seeing DS for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and his birthday.

 

[nliedel]

I have thought about the authority thing a lot since yesterday. Gene and I spent a long time discussing it. I am not a pushover, in fact a lot of people think I'm way too pushy. So it does cut both ways.

In this day and age, and no, this is not an attack on anyone here, people can be quick to cut ties with family. Gene and I know that his parents will do things that undercut our authority. It's not fun and we have spoken to them but we have also see there is no malice in it when they do it. They are not trying to hurt us or make us feel like horrible parents, they just do what they do and don't listen. It's not just us either. My sister in law is getting a healthy dose of reality now that she has a little one.

Those grandparents are putty in the boys hands, heaven help the one who has the first girl! Maybe I need to step in, or Gene and tell them about it but I grew up in a different kind of family. My grandparents loved me, in their way, but being adopted I was not really, well you know, they never really loved me as much as the birth grandchildren, my cousins. It was no secret and I frequently heard the words, "the adopted one," like I was a freak.

My mother and father in law loved my adopted boys without hesitation or reservation from day one. They have never shown one moments bit of attention more for the birth grandchildren.

Raised in a time when racism was the norm, especially in the deep south, they have both not once mentioned my boys race as anything to be but very proud of. That means a lot to me. Why is this even an issue? Because my mother in law cut off one of her brothers for years for making a crack. He honestly never thought it was a bad thing to do, none of her family understood why she was upset. She gladly sacraficed close ties for the betterment of my son. I have a right to expect that but in an imperfect world, it's not always like that.

Does it bug the heck out of me when they do stuff like this? Yes, and on the big issues we do stand up for ourselves. Sometimes we do things that upset them and visa versa, (obviously) but in the end, I believe, we have to allow some things to slip by and meet in the middle. Knowing there will be issues we do dumb things over.

We mentioned it was a problem to them on the phone, we hope they understand. In the end the love on their faces when they look at those boys is too precious to quibble over. I get hurt, I heal and I have in-laws that bug me to death, but that I love with all my heart.

Hang tight Scuttle. I am going to get a pic up here within the hour.

 

[lw49033]

I don't know, it doesn't seem to me that not being racist is quite on the level of heroic virtue. Isn't it a basic minimum of decency?

I wouldn't refuse to see or talk to my my in-laws, but I would sure lay down the law and not let the kids go over there for awhile. I would also give ds a punishment for going against your stated wishes. That might have the positive side effect of giving the in-laws a guilty conscience, which they should have anyway!

 

[nliedel]

I don't know, it doesn't seem to me that not being racist is quite on the level of heroic virtue. Isn't it a basic minimum of decency?

I wouldn't refuse to see or talk to my my in-laws, but I would sure lay down the law and not let the kids go over there for awhile. I would also give ds a punishment for going against your stated wishes. That might have the positive side effect of giving the in-laws a guilty conscience, which they should have anyway!

Well normally I would agree with you but if you knew the families, it's a big deal.

I just don't want to manipulate the situation by trying to make them feel anything.

 

[Disney Doll]

You sound like you have a pretty healthy attitude about your extended family's relationships, and that's a good thing.

I know many 8 year olds, and they know the difference between right & wrong, and obeying & disobeying rules.

I'll tell you what my mother would have done. She'd have let me go to school and face the consequences. Except that she would have gotten hold of the teacher beforehand and told him/her that the consequences should be that I had to stay after school and help the janitor clean the bathrooms.

Then, when I got home, I'd have had my hair cut to an appropriate style, and I would have been punished somehow at home for being punished at school.

My mother was big on actions having consequences, and if she said it, she meant it.

Thankfully, despite what parents today would consider such a "strict" or "cruel" upbringing, I have turned out to be a functioning member of society, hold down a job, got married, have never needed any psychiatric intervention (yet! ) and actually have people who like me and like to spend time with me.

So maybe Mama knew what she was doing.

 

[lw49033]

I'll tell you what my mother would have done. She'd have let me go to school and face the consequences. Except that she would have gotten hold of the teacher beforehand and told him/her that the consequences should be that I had to stay after school and help the janitor clean the bathrooms.

Then, when I got home, I'd have had my hair cut to an appropriate style, and I would have been punished somehow at home for being punished at school.

I agree with all this, and think an 8 year old does deserve punishment for this, but I would consider the main offense to be deliberate disobedience of my specific instructions, not just breaking a school rule.

 

[nliedel]

For those of you that wanted to see it, here he is in all his glory.

 

[MI mom of 3]

I'm glad you posted a picture. He looks cute but I understand, I would never let my boys get a mohawk either.

The good news is he has a nicely shaped head...so he will look good bald.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

That is hilarious! He looks so happy and proud (and cute...I thought he'd look much worse after what you'd said)! In ten years, that'll be even more funny.

Your son will NEVER forget this.

 

[sha_lyn]

I still don't get the attitude that the kid should face consequences but the 2 adults should be let off scott free.

OP... I understand your position a bit better after you've gone into detail. However if I were you I'd nicely try to talk to them and explain why your rules are your rules. It might never go any further, but sometime they mgiht do something that could potentially put one of your kids in harms way. Maybe you and everyone here will understand mine if I do.

My mom did things for yrs that I let slip by. the toy guns, scary movies that would have DS up almost all night for 2-3 nights after during the school week. She would take him on Sunday afternoon on her way bringing him home after spending the weekend. I think she finally learned her lesson after taking him on a Fri evening LOL.

Anyway the last straw was when she came by the house one day without him. Seems she decided she didn't want to watch a movie so she left DS at the theater alone. He was about 10 the time. I was livid. This is the same mother who freaked out if I let DS play video games on one isle while I stood at the next one, but she left him alone at PG-13 movie (a movie he and I believe she was told he couldn't see until I check it out BTW). Her reasoning... I "left" him alone in stores and let him watch a Star Trek movie that was PG-13 so what she did wasn't any worse.
I did not cut ties with her, but DS was not allowed to spend the night with her for a months. She started running things by me first after that.

Also when DS was little both my grandmothers were still alive. I would leave DS with 1 in a heart beat, from the time he was a few weeks old. The other I learned the hard way I couldn't even leave him in the same room alone until he was 4-5. She would have loved for me to leave DS and was upset that I wouldn't but I had to lay down the law. I knew from the beginning that her judgement was never the best considering the things my cousin and I were allowed to do (walk downtown alone, play by the buisy main street etc when we were little). However I really learend my lesson when DS was 2- 2 1/2. I was sitting on the front porch with GM and DS on the porch swing and had to go to the bathroom. Well no big deal to get up and walk in the house right? I ask GM to watch DS while I go to the bathroom. I couldn't have been in the bathroom more than a min when I hear my grandmother in the kitchen. She walked slowly with a cane, so I knew she had to have gotten up as soon as I entered the house. I come out of the bathroom and DS is no where around. I ask where he is and she said my mother had himm. Well I knew my mother was on her way over, but she wasn't there when I came inside. I walk outside to see my mother crying and holding DS in the driveway. turns out my GM saw my mothers car coming down the road, turned to my 2 yr old and said sit right here, then came in the house. DS of course being 2 did not do what GM said. He saw my mothers car and ran out to the driveway. she did not see him come out and started to back up to turn the car around (so my GM could enter the car easily instead of walking around it to get in). Luckily DS was yelling "granny's here" and my mother heard him.

 

[wilderness01]

I would be taking him to the barber to get his head completely shaved, and I would be making him pay for it. You sound very easy going about your feelings being totally disregarded. I frankly would have had a HUGE problem with someone other than my husband and me taking our baby for a first haircut. Just know, that although lovingly, they will continue to do what they want to do without regard to your feelings. I will say again today, you teach people how to treat you and if you are ok with this by not saying how disappointed you are by them disrespecting your feelings, then that is ok. You are the only one that has to live with them and their actions, no one else here does. Don't be surprised the next time this happens either, because it will happen again. Good luck to you.

P.S. I am not saying to make a big stink or cause a family rift, but because this is not the first time they have disrespected you or your husband's feelings, and it certainly won't be the last, I would ready myself for even bigger problems. You know the old saying, little kids, little problems, etc. Although, to buy an 6 or 8 year old a bow and arrow does sound like it is a big problem to me because it involves your kids safety. They have crossed a line and will continue to cross it unless you put your foot firmly down and stop it.

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL, OP glad to hear you have come to a decision in how to handle it. I wouldn't take offense that some of us have said we would confront your ILs.

I think most people answered it based on the fact that this was your question for us (it just gave the impression that you wanted to know what to say to them):

He, (husband) will not say a word to them but now I am stuck here. What am I suposed to do?

 

[lw49033]

I would be taking him to the barber to get his head completely shaved, and I would be making him pay for it....P.S. I am not saying to make a big stink or cause a family rift, but because this is not the first time they have disrespected you or your husband's feelings, and it certainly won't be the last, I would ready myself for even bigger problems. You know the old saying, little kids, little problems, etc. Although, to buy an 6 or 8 year old a bow and arrow does sound like it is a big problem to me because it involves your kids safety. They have crossed a line and will continue to cross it unless you put your foot firmly down and stop it.

I agree. In one way, people who let themselves be treated shabbily will get what they deserve, but I feel bad about the message it sends the kids about the role of a parent.

 

[azgal81]

Just think it will be one of those pictures you can use to embarass him at his high school graduation party!

My brother whose is in his 20s got a mohawk for halloween one year and kept it for way too long. Yes he looked horrible but he thought it was cool!