I think I'm dealing with a Passive-Aggressive

[Mermaid02]

I think she got her feelings hurt and now she is too proud to admit she might have been wrong.
Just let it go- there is nothing more you can do.

 

[sk!mom]

Good grief... Maybe she’s an attention seeker, maybe it’s her age, or maybe she was just looking for a reason to quit. Either way, you apologized for any hurt you may have caused so now let it go. I honestly don’t have time for nonsense like that.

 

[lifesavacation]

Life is too short. Ignore and move on. You’ve apologized. Nothing more you can do.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

Ohhhh, I am so sorry! You seem very nice, and you have apologized and tried to think of everything possible. She does seem elderly, and also maybe dementia or some other things, like where people can seem to over-react emotionally. It just doesn't seem right for anyone to come and be sitting out in the car like that. Something isn't right. And you can't always fix that. Pray for her, and pray the serenity prayer.

 

[cheryl.UK]

This reminds me of how glad I am that I’m out of high school.

But as Bowling For Soup will tell you, "High School Never Ends"

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Thanks. Y'all are great. And every reply...I was thinking the exact same thing. I just hate she is upset but you know I did all I could and I know I did nothing wrong. A friend even mentioned maybe its a little dementia on her part. Could be. But I am getting over it.

As soon as I read your post, dementia was the first thing I thought of. You even wrote that you saw her looking lost and needing help to know where she was in the music. What you have described seems classic for early signs of dementia; being lost, confusion that you were talking about kicking over your water bottle, NOT, her kicking you, being so angry as to drop out of choir. Being lost, confused and angry are all signs of dementia.

I would continue to be friendly to her and her husband and pray for her.

 

[shh]

it was really nice of you to ask about her in the first place, then go out and apologize.

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks. Y'all are great. And every reply...I was thinking the exact same thing. I just hate she is upset but you know I did all I could and I know I did nothing wrong. A friend even mentioned maybe its a little dementia on her part. Could be. But I am getting over it.

"...in as much as it depends on you, live quietly and at peace with all people." Don't stew over this to the point you become offended by her response. I'd also caution against discussing it with a lot of people - there's no need. Stay open to being friendly to them in the future. From there, your conscience should be clear.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I wonder if she was feeling inadequate in the choir and this was her excuse for quitting? Losing her place in the music, not being able to keep up, perhaps not being able to hear made her feel like she had taken on too much. Rather than admit it wasn't working out for her, she made up a scenario to justify quitting and put the blame elsewhere. In her own mind, this might be her way of deflecting the fact that she's aging and perhaps not able to take on as much as she used to. By not accepting your apology, she still has a reason not to rejoin the choir. I think this is not at all about you. It's her way of preserving her own dignity. "It's not that I feel I can't be in the choir, I just don't want to because someone there was mean to me." That's just my amateur psychologist analysis of the situation.

 

[hereyago]

I wouldn't give it another thought.
She may have been this way for years and years.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Interesting she was sitting out in the car waiting for him. Could she not stay home alone?? It wouldn’t surprise me to hear she was in the early stages of dementia, either, and the husband may be protecting her on some level (while still being in denial). It becomes a lot more evident to others if they are alone, but when they have a spouse who sort of covers for them, it can be more difficult to see. But misconstruing things can be a hallmark. Try not to take this personally, it’s more about her than about you. I wouldn’t try to reason with her anymore, but I would try to remain supportive to her husband. It probably does him some good to get out and involved in things he still enjoys (despite the relative difficulties he’s already experienced here).

 

[disykat]

I'm so glad people are mentioning dementia. It's hard to know since you don't have history, but as people have mentioned it sounds like a classic case. Some of these responses break my heart. The pain of broken relationships because of the behaviors of dementia is very real.

 

[Disney Doll]

Dementia. Sounds like how my late mother was. Became very paranoid that everyone was talking about her. Everyone was intentionally doing things to her... completely random things like if she was in the grocery store looking for something and an employee said “can I help you ma’am?” she say to me “I think he thought I was a senile old lady with no sense”. I’d say “well mom he is a store employee and you are a customer so he was just doing his job” she’d have none of that. Nope. They were targeting her as being old and senile. Which, frankly, at the time, she was.

My guess is that this is where that lady is. And a PP may be correct that she may, on some level, be aware that she’s losing cognitive function and holding this grudge is a way to save face. “I’m not going there because So-and-So was mean to me”. Or the choir may be becoming too much “commotion” for her and she can’t handle it so holding the grudge is a way to save face. My mother got to where she didn’t like to go to too many social events because all the activity and noise and people and such just overwhelmed her. She couldn’t “process” things quickly enough. She didn’t enjoy them because “there was too much commotion”. Again, blaming everything or everybody else. She would never say “I just can’t handle big crowds”. It would be “the kids were running around and people were talking so much. It was too much commotion”.

The fact that she waits in the car while he’s at choir practice tells me he’s afraid to leave her alone or she’s afraid to be alone so she’s rather go with him and sit in the car because as least she knows he’s right inside and she can get to him if she needs to. Although I’d be afraid to leave her in the car because I’d be thinking “what if she wanders off?”. That’s kind of where I am with my dad now with his dementia (Mom passed 5 years ago).

I think you’ve done all you can by apologizing. I think the problem is less you and more her and/or the situation. I’d skip the card and let the situation be. Carrying on with more apologies will only serve to keep pounding on the fact that she’s losing it.

Be supportive of the husband since he’s still in the choir and he may be dealing with this 24/7 and it’s not easy. And pray for both of them.

 

[Summer2018]

Thanks. Y'all are great. And every reply...I was thinking the exact same thing. I just hate she is upset but you know I did all I could and I know I did nothing wrong. A friend even mentioned maybe its a little dementia on her part. Could be. But I am getting over it.

I’m thinking dementia too. My MIL got dementia months before her death. It was so hard on my husband. There were days that she was a little forgetful. But sometimes she accused him of things that he not only didn’t do, but things that he would never do.

 

[design_mom]

I am sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you've done all that you can do. If you see them again, I think all you can do is continue to be open and friendly, and how they respond is up to them.

I saw a meme (can't find it now), that rang true for me. (My daughter is dealing with a girl that, no matter how nice my daughter tries to be to her, somehow blames everything bad in her life on my daughter. Even stuff my daughter wasn't remotely involved with.) The meme said something like "Sometimes you have to make peace with the fact that, despite your best intentions, you are the villain in someone else's story."

Whether it's dementia, hearing loss (maybe she thought you told the person on the other side of you that she kicked you), or maybe you remind her of a mean girl from middle school and she's projecting... who knows. It sounds like you've done the best you can. The next move is hers.

 

[LiteBrite]

I lost my mom to Alzheimer's 3 ago. She was a Christian and had been an active member or her church for more than 40 years, but in the early stages of her dementia she took extreme offense to a comment that was made in her Sunday School class (it was completely irrational, the comment was nothing she should ever have been offended by), and she never set foot in that church again.

I agree with everyone who said this sounds like dementia, too. If that's the case, since she's on your mind and heart, you're in a good position to be praying for her and her family. Other than that, let it go. It wasn't your fault.

 

[ronandannette]

I lost my mom to Alzheimer's 3 ago. She was a Christian and had been an active member or her church for more than 40 years, but in the early stages of her dementia she took extreme offense to a comment that was made in her Sunday School class (it was completely irrational, the comment was nothing she should ever have been offended by), and she never set foot in that church again.

I agree with everyone who said this sounds like dementia, too. If that's the case, since she's on your mind and heart, you're in a good position to be praying for her and her family. Other than that, let it go. It wasn't your fault.

Having observed this all too personally, those unexpected, unreasonable and uncontrollable personality changes are, in my opinion, the most heart-breaking indignity of this brutal condition.

 

[fly girl]

Like a lot of other posters, my initial thought was dementia. I feel very sad for her if that is the case. It’s horrible, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

OP, you have gone above and beyond to help rectify the misunderstanding. You sound like a very genuine person, who really took it heart about things that were misconstrued. Nothing else you can do on your end. Sounds like you’re making peace with it, which is good.

 

[Myothername]

I don’t think she’s passive aggressive. I think maybe you made these comments and she was embarrassed by them. Talking about her losing her place etc. I’m sure your intentions were good but perhaps she felt embarrassed that everyone else could hear and is a bit sensitive about it. Or maybe the way you said it wasn’t taken as kindly as you meant it. Sometimes people try to help but they are so loud and have a tone that does not seem genuine that is immediately off putting. I don’t know how you said it so just kicking at ideas as I’ve encountered people like this.

I don't think so. I never said anything to her about her kicking me. The comments about the cup that she may have misunderstood were actually made to someone else. As for the time I showed her where we were in the music I simply pointed to the place on the sheet music and may have whispered this is where we are. From comments by her and her husband before I believe she had been in choirs in the past since she did know she sang alto. I'm thinking there may be some dementia starting. Either that or she is just a very unhappy person which is a shame. I'm about the most cheerful person you could meet.

 

[Myothername]

UPDATE...She did not sing in the choir Sunday but her husband did. I'm glad he did because he really has a very nice voice. We don't sit hear each other in church so I did not see them afterward. I was actually a little nervous that she might say something to me either before or after church or that he would. I'm not a confrontational kind of person generally and just did not want there to be anything more said about this. Thanks for all the comments. It really did help me.