I think I want a divorce...

[sbell111]

If you want to get out of the marriage, you are going to do it regardless of what anyone tells you. The vast majority of posters here are telling you to kick the lazy bum to the curb. A few have suggested that a marriage vow is a unique and sacred commitment to be taken very seriously. Most have stories from their own experiences or have shared the experiences of someone they know. Heck, even Tom and Kat have been mentioned.

If you came here to get support for your decision, you got it. It appears you have grown weary of the man and your marriage. You are tired of supporting the entire family. Sorry it's worked out like that for you.

I'm kind of old. I'm a man. And I've had some ups and downs in my 30 years of marriage. Here is my two cents, and then I'm done. You say he's a good man. That alone says to me that you haven't lost all hope. You have children. My parents divorced when I was 17 and I still resent some of the selfishness that caused it on BOTH sides. You have two children. Don't underestimate the emotional toll on them. Don't buy the quality over quantity argument. It sounds good but it's really just words. I look at a marriage as the most sacred of commitments because we change over the years (think mid-life crisis and menopause). If we view it like a job and I'm working harder than my spouse, then it's easy to get a new job. If we view it as a means to happiness, we will be disappointed, because I truly believe that happiness is fleeting and love is an action. If you determine to love your husband not because of who he is but in spite of who he is, you can save this. Easy...no way.

This may be the best post that I have ever read on this or any other forum.

 

[ilovefh]

OP, I feel for you in this situation. It is a hard place to be. This is such a timely thread because I have a friend going through a similar situation, except she does not have any kids thankfully. She loves her husband, but is not happy. She is constantly stressed about money and him keeping a job. She goes to work all day while he sits around, skips classes (he is in school) and doesn't hold a job.

I won't ever tell anyone to get a divorce. What I tell her is that, while I like her husband, she is my friend and my allegiance is to her. I want her to do what will make her happy.

It's tough because she wants kids but knows that right now it is not a good idea. If he can't get himself together they won't have any and I think it will be tough on her.

OP, I feel for you and good luck with your decision!

 

[TeresaNJ]

If you want to get out of the marriage, you are going to do it regardless of what anyone tells you. The vast majority of posters here are telling you to kick the lazy bum to the curb. A few have suggested that a marriage vow is a unique and sacred commitment to be taken very seriously. Most have stories from their own experiences or have shared the experiences of someone they know. Heck, even Tom and Kat have been mentioned.

If you came here to get support for your decision, you got it. It appears you have grown weary of the man and your marriage. You are tired of supporting the entire family. Sorry it's worked out like that for you.

I'm kind of old. I'm a man. And I've had some ups and downs in my 30 years of marriage. Here is my two cents, and then I'm done. You say he's a good man. That alone says to me that you haven't lost all hope. You have children. My parents divorced when I was 17 and I still resent some of the selfishness that caused it on BOTH sides. You have two children. Don't underestimate the emotional toll on them. Don't buy the quality over quantity argument. It sounds good but it's really just words. I look at a marriage as the most sacred of commitments because we change over the years (think mid-life crisis and menopause). If we view it like a job and I'm working harder than my spouse, then it's easy to get a new job. If we view it as a means to happiness, we will be disappointed, because I truly believe that happiness is fleeting and love is an action. If you determine to love your husband not because of who he is but in spite of who he is, you can save this. Easy...no way.

I love this! Great words of wisdom!!!

 

[jodifla]

If you want to get out of the marriage, you are going to do it regardless of what anyone tells you. The vast majority of posters here are telling you to kick the lazy bum to the curb. A few have suggested that a marriage vow is a unique and sacred commitment to be taken very seriously. Most have stories from their own experiences or have shared the experiences of someone they know. Heck, even Tom and Kat have been mentioned.

If you came here to get support for your decision, you got it. It appears you have grown weary of the man and your marriage. You are tired of supporting the entire family. Sorry it's worked out like that for you.

I'm kind of old. I'm a man. And I've had some ups and downs in my 30 years of marriage. Here is my two cents, and then I'm done. You say he's a good man. That alone says to me that you haven't lost all hope. You have children. My parents divorced when I was 17 and I still resent some of the selfishness that caused it on BOTH sides. You have two children. Don't underestimate the emotional toll on them. Don't buy the quality over quantity argument. It sounds good but it's really just words. I look at a marriage as the most sacred of commitments because we change over the years (think mid-life crisis and menopause). If we view it like a job and I'm working harder than my spouse, then it's easy to get a new job. If we view it as a means to happiness, we will be disappointed, because I truly believe that happiness is fleeting and love is an action. If you determine to love your husband not because of who he is but in spite of who he is, you can save this. Easy...no way.

This is a great post. So much wisdom in it.

 

[Tiger926]

If you want to get out of the marriage, you are going to do it regardless of what anyone tells you. The vast majority of posters here are telling you to kick the lazy bum to the curb. A few have suggested that a marriage vow is a unique and sacred commitment to be taken very seriously. Most have stories from their own experiences or have shared the experiences of someone they know. Heck, even Tom and Kat have been mentioned.

If you came here to get support for your decision, you got it. It appears you have grown weary of the man and your marriage. You are tired of supporting the entire family. Sorry it's worked out like that for you.

I'm kind of old. I'm a man. And I've had some ups and downs in my 30 years of marriage. Here is my two cents, and then I'm done. You say he's a good man. That alone says to me that you haven't lost all hope. You have children. My parents divorced when I was 17 and I still resent some of the selfishness that caused it on BOTH sides. You have two children. Don't underestimate the emotional toll on them. Don't buy the quality over quantity argument. It sounds good but it's really just words. I look at a marriage as the most sacred of commitments because we change over the years (think mid-life crisis and menopause). If we view it like a job and I'm working harder than my spouse, then it's easy to get a new job. If we view it as a means to happiness, we will be disappointed, because I truly believe that happiness is fleeting and love is an action. If you determine to love your husband not because of who he is but in spite of who he is, you can save this. Easy...no way.

What an interesting perspective! Great post!

Tiger

 

[denisenh]

disney junkie, thank you for your post. Got me thinking.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

A good man would work to support his family and help out his pregnant wife, sorry, no dice.

 

[mrsklamc]

A good man would work to support his family and help out his pregnant wife, sorry, no dice.

Good people do things all the time that they would not normally do, because of extenuating circumstances. OP says her husband (who she has been married to for years) is a good person, yet you think you know his character better than she does because of a few paragraphs on a message board?

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Good people do things all the time that they would not normally do, because of extenuating circumstances. OP says her husband (who she has been married to for years) is a good person, yet you think you know his character better than she does because of a few paragraphs on a message board?

Good people may on occasion do something out of the ordinary, they do not have chronic behavior that is to the detriment of their family. He does little to nothing according to her OP to support or care for herself or their young children, or help in the home. Not just yesterday, or this past week, he wouldnt even help her when she was pregnant, so it doesn't sound out of character for him. I haven't read through all the pages of posts, there weren't any redeeming qualities listed in her OP. If she added any later, I still don't see what could make up for a man doing nothing to care or support his family.

 

[Hannathy]

If you want to get out of the marriage, you are going to do it regardless of what anyone tells you. The vast majority of posters here are telling you to kick the lazy bum to the curb. A few have suggested that a marriage vow is a unique and sacred commitment to be taken very seriously. Most have stories from their own experiences or have shared the experiences of someone they know. Heck, even Tom and Kat have been mentioned.

If you came here to get support for your decision, you got it. It appears you have grown weary of the man and your marriage. You are tired of supporting the entire family. Sorry it's worked out like that for you.

I'm kind of old. I'm a man. And I've had some ups and downs in my 30 years of marriage. Here is my two cents, and then I'm done. You say he's a good man. That alone says to me that you haven't lost all hope. You have children. My parents divorced when I was 17 and I still resent some of the selfishness that caused it on BOTH sides. You have two children. Don't underestimate the emotional toll on them. Don't buy the quality over quantity argument. It sounds good but it's really just words. I look at a marriage as the most sacred of commitments because we change over the years (think mid-life crisis and menopause). If we view it like a job and I'm working harder than my spouse, then it's easy to get a new job. If we view it as a means to happiness, we will be disappointed, because I truly believe that happiness is fleeting and love is an action. If you determine to love your husband not because of who he is but in spite of who he is, you can save this. Easy...no way.

I love this and feel exactly the same way!

 

[mrsklamc]

Good people may on occasion do something out of the ordinary, they do not have chronic behavior that is to the detriment of their family.

Good people can have chronic medical conditions that mess with their emotions and ability do to what is right, completely beyond their control.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Good people can have chronic medical conditions that mess with their emotions and ability do to what is right, completely beyond their control.

No where did she say he has any sort of medical condition in that post, and even that wouldn't excuse years of that behaviour.

She also didn't say he started out gangbusters and then changed suddenly. Sometimes lazy is just lazy.

 

[mrsklamc]

No where did she say he has any sort of medical condition in that post, and even that wouldn't excuse years of that behaviour.

It does if the medical condition has been undiagnosed for years.

Sometimes lazy is just lazy, but it's pretty ridiculous what has been inferred/decided about this man with very little information.

 

[Tiger926]

No where did she say he has any sort of medical condition in that post, and even that wouldn't excuse years of that behaviour.

She also didn't say he started out gangbusters and then changed suddenly. Sometimes lazy is just lazy.

Not sure if you have read the entire thread, but OP said hubby said he was depressed (that would be a medical condition), and she also said that his behaviour started about 5 years into their marriage, but then she said maybe it started earlier?

She has given absolutely no history of their courtship nor newlywed years, so none of us know what behaviours he exhibited during those years.

As some of us who have been there have said, it sounds like her hubby may be depressed, and if he is, 'lazy' is pretty much the hallmark of it, especially if left untreated for many years.

Seems as if her hubby wasn't diagnosed with depression, but she said he felt depressed, and with the profile she presented, some of us said it really sounds like it, but it doesn't sound like her hubby is interested in getting professional help as he wouldn't attend counselling sessions either. If hubby is depressed or something like adult ADHD, then unfocused, disengaged and lazy behaviour is very par for the course. Could he be just lazy or acting this way so that she demands a divorce? That could very well be too.

Tiger

 

[chloelovesdisney]

It does if the medical condition has been undiagnosed for years.

Sometimes lazy is just lazy, but it's pretty ridiculous what has been inferred/decided about this man with very little information.

Edited because I saw last post. If he's been depressed for the last ten years, it's still up to him to recognize his family needs him and to seek help. If he has done nothing to change in a decade, there is no reason to expect he will in the future.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Not sure if you have read the entire thread, but OP said hubby said he was depressed (that would be a medical condition), and she also said that his behaviour started about 5 years into their marriage, but then she said maybe it started earlier?

She has given absolutely no history of their courtship nor newlywed years, so none of us know what behaviours he exhibited during those years.

As some of us who have been there have said, it sounds like her hubby may be depressed, and if he is, 'lazy' is pretty much the hallmark of it, especially if left untreated for many years.

Seems as if her hubby wasn't diagnosed with depression, but she said he felt depressed, and with the profile she presented, some of us said it really sounds like it, but it doesn't sound like her hubby is interested in getting professional help as he wouldn't attend counselling sessions either. If hubby is depressed or something like adult ADHD, then unfocused, disengaged and lazy behaviour is very par for the course. Could he be just lazy or acting this way so that she demands a divorce? That could very well be too.

Tiger

Thank you for adding that information. I would still say that when they met he was 29 years old and living with his parents, showing that way back when he still did not want to support himself and expected others to take care of him.

 

[Tiger926]

Thank you for adding that information. I would still say that when they met he was 29 years old and living with his parents, showing that way back when he still did not want to support himself and expected others to take care of him.

You are welcome. It's a long thread, so lots of info in there.

It could have shown that he was just "lazy" and expected to be taken care of, or that he has been depressed for a very long time. This is really all we know of before they were married, but it points to problems way back.

Tiger

 

[mrsklamc]

Edited because I saw last post. If he's been depressed for the last ten years, it's still up to him to recognize his family needs him and to seek help.

This is what a lot of people don't seem to be getting. Depression can literally rob your ability/will to recognize your family needs you and seek help.

 

[Tiger926]

This is what a lot of people don't seem to be getting. Depression can literally rob your ability/will to recognize your family needs you and seek help.

Some of us get that.

Tiger

 

[luvmy3]

This is what a lot of people don't seem to be getting. Depression can literally rob your ability/will to recognize your family needs you and seek help.

That may be the case but the OP has stated that she has had many conversations with him about it over the years. If he doesn't recognize it himself that is one thing, but it seems that the OP has made him aware of how his behavior is effecting the family. Saying he doesn't recognize it can't be used as an excuse for not getting help at that point.
And FTR, he stated he was depressed at one point, so either he was lying, or he does recognize it.