I Really Need Your Thoughts, Prayers, PD, Wishes, Anything New Update-pg 6 - bad day

[~*Belle 2003*~]

Good grief Lauri, you are having to cope with a LOT right now!!!

Loads of PD, and

's coming your way.

Hope you get the rest that you deserve soon.

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

gentle {{{{hugs}}}} to you. You sound so far from a neglectful daughter. You have gone far and beyond for your mother and I hope you realize that. It is certainly not your fault that she fell. Don't blame yourself and don't feel guilty.

Let the doctors decide the best course of action for your mom. If they want her to go to a facility after the surgury than I would do what they say. It may be hard for you to deal with, but it will be the best for both of you in reality. (or perhaps you can send her to a brother?)

 

[Robinrs]

Oh, Lauri...

I am so sorry. I do know what you're going through.

I spent a lifetime with my Mom who also was a "hypochondriac" who had no tolerance for anyone else's illness. I found out she was like that because she watched her Dad die for years and it totally affected how she can handle sick people. Once I understood her it was easier to handle.

It DID make me a superperson like you said, I could handle a lot more pain than most because I was affected by HER reactions. We do that as daughters.

On the other hand, the hip may just be the thing that will help your Mom. You CANNOT do this anymore. It comes to a point when we have to realize this and the ollder parents live the more people will be in this predicament.

I work in a senior living resort now, and most of the residents, though independent, tell me that mostly only ONE of their children have stepped up to the plate and helped them. Unlike you, the others dropped the ball and have given the responsibility to someone else. I'm sorry, that is inexcuseable. If a mother chose to take care of one of their children and ignore the others or irregularly took care of them they would have hell to pay and may lose them. As the responsible child, you and a medical professional must sit down and decide the next step for your Mom. THEN let THEM tell her with no options.

Believe me, this is not an easy choice. God knows it wasn't for us and no one was as close to my Mom as we were. She was my idol my heart my confidante, but we couldn't do it anymore. And we had to make that decision for both of our parents, the pain is still in my heart but it had to be done.

Daily I sit with adult children in your predicament. I know God sent me to talk to them because I don't just sympathize, I empathize with what they're going through. I know they know that I know.

Do try to get her help, and like children we must take on the right to make that decision. Then take care of YOURSELF. 25 pills is scary. I'd like to see you weaned off of them instead of having to take them. You need to preserve your liver and your health, and you need to get some peace. I, too, was a slave to prescription drugs, financially, emotionally and physically. My doctors chose to medicate me instead of teaching me how to heal.

No, God will not give us more than we can handle. The purpose of this statement is to reassure us that we MUST allow him to handle it. We are not able to as humans but He can handle anything. I have worked my behind off trying to do it myself only to be totally frustrated. Once I gave it to the Father, miracles happened that only He can do. Believe me, it's the hardest thing to do but it's what we have to....

Let go.

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[TNCarole]

Lauri, you don't know me, but I just had to respond after reading your message. I don't have any words of wisdom... just wanted to say I'll keep you and your mom in my prayers. and God bless you...

Carole

 

[powellrj]

everyone has given such good advise I will just send

 

[C.Ann]

Please don't take this the wrong way.. I know you LOVE your Mom - you have proven that over and over and over again - but I think it's time for you to let go.. I think she needs to be in a nursing home.. It will be better for her and better for you..

If you were healthy, maybe you could deal with the situation a LITTLE longer, but - you are killing yourself.. You have done MORE than most children would do - and you have done it while enduring horrific health problems yourself.. It's time.. You need to let go.. You can still visit your Mom and love your Mom - but you don't need to kill yourself in the process..

I will say a special prayer for you - and I will pray that the surgery goes well for your Mom and that they place her somewhere that will be beneficial to BOTH of you..

Hugs,
C.Ann

 

[NHAnn]

((hugs)) Lauri....I can't imagine anyone flaming you for getting this off your chest. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease things for you. You've gotten a lot of good advice and thoughts here. Please take care. I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[Planogirl]

My grandmother entered a nursing home when her health started to fail and it worked out quite well for her. She was very social and really enjoyed getting to know so many people. She also had the chance to get out often and enjoyed having everything taken care of.

Nursing homes are not so bad, it depends on the facility. It sounds like you've done all that you can do and you might want to look past the guilt to see what's best for everyone now. And you getting flamed? No way!

Good luck. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is.

 

[mickeyfan1]

Laurie, I am so sorry to read all that you have gone through. I hope your mother gets over her surgery. It may be best for both of you if she did a stint in a rehab facility. SHe will probably do well, and it will be better on you.

I hope for the best for both of you.

 

[MickeysMommy]

You are in my prayers and thoughts...God Bless.

 

[Denine]

I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. I know you don't want to do it, but it sounds like taking care of your mom had become impossible. You need to take care of YOU first.
Here are some prayers and pixie dust for both you and your mom.

 

[binny]

I dont have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know Im praying.

 

[huey duey & luey]

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. Prayers and hugs to you.

 

[Pam]

Lauri,
Sending you prayers, , pixie dust.

 

[browneyes]

I'll pray for strength for both of you, Lauri. Since she's in the hospital right now, you might want to talk to the dr's to ask what to do about the way she's acting. It sounds like she's going through a depression. She might need something to help her get back to herself again.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Hugs, Lauri!!! I think you have way too much on your plate. I'm sure you're a GREAT daughter...don't even question that. Blessings to you!!! I hope your mom's surgery goes well.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

Originally posted by CarolA
This is going to sound cruel, but you have NO choice. Your mom is going to need more help then you can give her. It may very well be time to consider a nursing home or other institution.

At a minimum you have got to get some help. Find the social worker at the hospital and go over your mother's behavior with them. They need to know this, becuase I am pretty sure that she is NOT going to get up and walk. THey are going to have to DRAG her out. Also, you might want to talk to them about the possiblity of some at home assitance for her.

Actually if she is not motivated taking her home for re-hab is the WORST. My family did that with my Grandmother. Who then sat in the sunroom and had people do stuff for her. Outcome was NOT as good as it should have been since she did not MOVE enough. Some people need professional yellers and trust me some PT people can really let them have it. (I have SIL for one and she is very nice, but will get mean if that is what it takes!)

I LOVE my mother dearly. That said I have already started warning her. I saw what her mother did to her, if that nonsense starts she is NOT living with me. I know this sounds harsh, but you don't owe your parents anything. I am not from a family that believes kids are born to take care of thier parents. Especially not at the risk of YOUR health. It sounds like it is time to put YOU first.

Word for word, this bears repeating.

At the expense of YOUR health, don't rule out a nursing home.

Not an easy choice or decision but it's one that you may be forced to make.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Lisa F]

If you truly believe that "god doesn't give you more than you can handle" then I have a little story for you.

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall.
Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left.

A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a rescue helicopter dropped a rope ladder to the man.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the helicopter went in search of more people to save.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "What do you call the two boats and helicopter I sent for you?"

I hope you don't think I am making light of your situation, because I am not. Please don't pass by an opportunity to do what might be the right thing for both you and your mom because you feel like you have to handle this all on your own.

I can't add all that much to what others have said about nursing homes and I know what a difficult decision it is, but there is NO shame in accepting help and there is NO shame in making the decision to do what is best for your mother rather than what she wants. Sometimes what we want isn't what we need and right now it sounds like even though your mother WANTS for you to be everything to her, what she NEEDS is a group of trained professionals who can help her mend and do the other things others have mentioned in regard to nutrition and general well being for someone her age.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you.

 

[DoeWDW]

Lauri, so many good thoughts and advice.

The only advice I have is that your Mom needs you to ensure she gets the best care. That does NOT mean that YOU have to provide that care. You need to stay as healthy as you can so you'll be around to watch over those who ARE providing that care. If you run yourself into the ground caring for her and she outlives you - what would happen then?? Far better, in my opinion, to turn over her daily care to a nursing facility and be there to monitor that care on a regular basis.

Lauri, I think you are a wonderful daughter - you love your Mom so much that you are sacrificing your life for her. No mother in her right mind really wants that from her child.

Love her by making sure she gets the best care possible and by being around to monitor that care.

I'll keep your mom and you in my prayers, Lauri.

Gentle

 

[MeanLaureen]

Well her surgery went well (at least we assume that, her doctor is AWOL and hasn't spoken to us)

Matt and I and one of my brothers and his family were there when they brought her back to her room.

That first 30 minutes was great - she was just coming out of it and she was funny, teasing the nurses, making the grandkids laugh, etc.

After about 45 minutes I guess she became more grounded into reality. My SIL started doting on her like she was a baby and mom loved it so she started demanding more and more. She became literally 1000 times more feeble than when she was the first half hour back into her room.

Something I didn't mention originally - she has - according to a neurologist - the beginnings of Parkinsons. Now I wonder about this because when she first saw the neurologist I was with her and she told her that all her problems were exactly the opposite of Parkinsons (tremors at rest vs in use, etc) Then on the next visit, when Matt went because I couldn't, she now has Parkinsons..hmm..

Anyhow, she seems to have selective tremors. When we aren't looking she is fine, when we are looking she shakes her hands and arms like a bowl of jello in an earthquake. Not tremors mind you - literally SHAKES them.

So after the first 45 minutes she started up the tremors and she literally had the bed rocking. When noone said anything she actually would start to lift her arms out of the blankets (they had her wrapped up like a cocoon because she was cold) and hold it in front of you as she was talking like "here - look at me shake"

I hate to think that my mom is faking or in the least, over dramatising an illness for sympathy. But there is a good part of me that does. A huge part of me. I feel like that makes me such a bad daughter - that I don't trust her or believe that she is 100% the way she acts.

It was like the look on her face when the doctor told her she had broken her hip. It was literally a look of "oh crap, I went too far"

The feelings I'm going through on this are mostly what is eating me up - of course I can't mention this to my brothers because when I did I was told I was a bad daughter and don't do enough for my mom. I did mention it to the ER doc and I'll see if I can't talk to the doctor working with her in the hospital.

On top of it all, she dragged her feet about giving me power or attorney and putting my name on her bank accounts - and now look what happened! I warned her. I'm bringing the POA papers in first thing on Monday morning when they said a Notary would be there and I'm getting her to sign them before she is turned over to a social worker. I guess as far as her bank accounts are concerned we are SOL and they will be drained if she goes into a nursing home (after the insurance runs out) I'll still go have my name put on there in hopes that she does come home a new "rehabilitated" mom.

Someone earlier asked the question about me looking into disability for myself. I've thought about it and tossed it back and forth in my mind. I wouldn't mind the idea of getting rid of the stress and the physical demand of my job. My disability payments wouldn't be too bad - a lot less than what I make now but not horrible.

The vast majority of the people with chronic AOSD are on disability. It does take a LONG time to get approved because of the nature of AOSD (It's not something you can show on an X-ray and there is no one test to prove it, and it's so rare that even the majority of the doctors out there outside of Rhuemys have never heard of it) so all that time you are unemployed. But the biggest con is that I'm worried that if I do that, something inside of me will give up and I'll lose what little bit of "Lauri" that is still here.

I guess deep down inside I haven't given up hope that they will find something that will put it into remission and I can go back to being myself again. I think hoping for World Peace would be a little more realistic though.

I do want to thank all of you SO MUCH for the advice, thoughts, prayers and caring that you have shown me on this thread. It has meant the world to me and helped me more than you will ever know.