I Really Need some Advice..Quickly!

[ThreeMusketeers]

What would you do?

Hubby and I have been married for 8 years, we have a 3.5 yo daughter. For the past 3 years he has been going to school. For two seperate things. He has just recently found a major that he likes, but is only 2 years into it. *It will be another 2 years before he will be able to make any good money with his degree. So..right now..he works 65 hours a week, and goes to school full time. I stay at home with dd b/c daycare would take my whole paycheck if I were working, so it seems pointless to work outside the home. Btwn school and work..hubby is left with about 3 hours Tuesday mornings and every other weekend. All of this stress is causing him to feel suicidal, and on top of this MANY other medical problems, that he refuses to take care of. We had a terriable fight last night..b/c I needed him to be there for me *a bit of emotional crisis* and he had nothing left to give me, I felt terriable and alone. And he stormed out SCREAMING, I mean SCREAMING..threatened to drive into the river and hung up. I didnt hear from him again until later that night. *he was on his way out to work anyway* In the midst of all the arguing, he managed to tell me many times that he would be better off alone, and he is just tired of "dealing with me and this" and said that he almost killed himself when he first got to work.(mind you..he said this 4 hours later..its' not like i called him in the middle of a rage) And for most of the night, he made me feel like his life was so terriable he wanted to kill himself, and that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
I don't know what to do...He won't take my advice..he won't quit and relax..and he won't seek medical attention.
I am so confused and wondering if enough is enough.
What would you do?

 

[dmslush]

First I would demand some serious marriage counseling. If he is stressed to the point of threatening suicide, you both need to work at finding a better solution. As for other medical problems, you cannot force him to see a dr, but offer to make the appointment on the time he has off.

There is absolutely NO reason that he should have to work 65 hours per week and go to school full time. Look at where you can cut corners. Then look at where you can work while he is home with your daughter to help pick up some of the slack from him cutting back on his hours.

But, that being said, this will only work if he wants to make it work. If he is simply feeling the burden of work and school and was cutting lose, fine. But, if he is becoming mentally unstable and violent, you need to look out for you and your dd.

 

[N.Bailey]

IMO, you should look for employment to ease his burden a little bit. It's obviously too much for him. I think a schedule like that would be too much for anyone. I understand that daycare is expensive, but you could look for say a waitress job where you could work evenings and weekends and I think most offer very flexible schedules. I worked as a waitress for several years and made between $100 and $200 a night.

He would have to be alone with the little one a good bit, but IMO, if he feels he could handle that, it wouldn't be as bad as working 65 hours a week.

 

[Disney Ella]

Sixty-five hours a week at work AND school full-time AND a family would make anyone crack. He can't keep doing this to himself, although in the state he's in, I doubt you could convince him of that. Are there any family members nearby or friends who could help convince him that this is too much for anyone to do and for his sake, and yours, he needs to cut back?

If it's to the point where he feels suicidal, he definitely should get immediate help, but it sounds like a lot of the problem will get better if he has a more realistic schedule.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I have offered to get a job MANY times, I have demanded to get a job MANY times. This is is scedule though..
M-F School 7 am - 2 30 pm
M-F Work 3 pm -11pm
and work requires him to work every other weekend.
What time is left in the day?? if we want to sleep and have any family time together???

THe realistic sceduleing is what I know we need help with. Family lives 4 hours away..so they are not an option for babysitting. And he no longer speaks to his famiy..so they won't be talking to him about anything. And I have an online buisness..where I do pull in about $100 a week, nothing big. But its something. i am trying too!

And I have mentioned marriage counceling a few times, and he simply says he is not willing to give anything up to go.

 

[elliemae1192]

Wow. Not sure what advice to give you but lots of . My husband works ALOT as well. He's an inspector and during his busy seasons (fall and spring) it's not unusual for him to work up to 80 hours a week. It's very difficult on both of us and I cannot imagine what it would be like if he were going through depression on top of it.

Keep in mind that your husband's depression is not your fault! His schedule may be causing the stress but I would imagine the suicidal thoughts were there to some extent to begin with. Please try to get him help but don't place blame on yourself. Good luck and my prayers will be with you.

 

[KellyLynn]

My husband works about 70 hours a week, He leaves our home Monday morning and comes home friday night.He has a very stressful demanding job in NYC and stays with his mom who lives outside the city. I know how you feel with almost being a single mom, I am to 2 boys 3 and 4 and I am pregnant with our 3rd child and I have a major illness on top of that.

For my Dh he gets in the work zone and kinda forgets that we are here sometimes, I deal with home . He has the weekends to spend with us but it takes a day to get off of the work thing.

I know about every 3 months it all becomes to much and I lose it with him.

You need to have a sit down with DH and explain how you feel and let him know that you also understand how he feels.


He is working and going to school to give you and DD a "good"life but you have to ask him and yourself at what point does a "good" life cost to much.

Hope things get better for both of.

 

[canwegosoon]

Would highly recommend doing school pt(year round..and have him look into tests that you can take instead of doing classes...I go a few classes done this way, and going year round will not set him back much). I would call family members and ask for help(maybe someone can stay with you for a while. He needs a break.