I REALLY need some advice/harsh words/a reality check...

[Carly_Roach]

"Remember, if you can't love yourself, how'n the *** you goin' love somebody else? Can I get an Amen up in here?"
~ RuPaul

Best advice. While I know Sex and the City isn't necessarily the best example of how to live life, Samantha does have several nuggets that have rung true to me:

(When leaving a man) - I love you. But I love me more.

(When leaving Smith Jarred)(paraphrased) - Of course I love you, but I've been in a relationship with myself for over 40 years. That's the one that needs a little work.​

You have to love yourself enough to be able to live comfortably with (and within) yourself before deciding to share that marvelous human being with another person. If you couldn't stand to see a friend in same relationship you're experiencing, and you'd advise that friend to leave, then why are you still in that relationship?

I think that's the best advice I have for you, OP. Your reality is one you create yourself. If you don't like it then you have within yourself the tools and power to change it.

You just have to decide to do it.

And mean it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Everyone wants to be wanted. Women in particular want to fix things that are giving people heartache. It is ingrained in us. It's the way we show love and relationship.


You need to show yourself love and fix yourself. Only then will you attract someone that isn't broken or someone that needs lots of attention and help.


In your mind you had a relationship, a real relationship. In his mind he had a friend with benefits. You had a boyfriend; he had a friend to confide in and have fun with and do adult things with while he could look for love. He told you he was in love when you met him and he told you later he was going to look for love again. Obviously he wasn't looking at you because you were already there providing everything that he needed physically but apparently he didn't want anything else.

People like this tend to see the elusive definition of love where the blue birds constantly sing and rainbows are popping skittles and all is happy in the world.

Real love isn't this and he will always be chasing rainbows until he figures out otherwise.


Learn to love yourself. Learn to like yourself. Heal yourself and develop a good life for yourself that you can share with someone else. Don't become their everything and don't let any man become your everything. I'm a firm believer in like attracting like. You want to be whole and healthy so you can attract the same in a man when the time comes.

 

[jfoofj]

I haven't read all the replies... but I'm sorry you are going through this. It stinks. I've been on just about every side of a relationship situation, and it is hard. Here is my theory...

Actions speak louder than words. He is dating other people, planning a get-a-way with her. He WILL be intimate with her, I would put money on it. His actions are telling you that you aren't "the one" for him.

I KNOW that his actions include still seeing/being physical w/ you BUT, intimacy can mean different things for different people. To you, it is emotional, and means that you mean something "more" to him. To him, it could just be a booty call. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but often times guys (and I'm not trying to generalize, because girls can be like this too) just wanna have some sex, no "feelings" attached.

I have found that until I was ready and "open" for a new relationship, one didn't appear. As long as you are keeping a flame for him, how can you put out the signal to other guys that you are available?

And honestly, the best thing I did for myself after a relationship ended and I was hurt and vulnerable was to take some time off from dating/sex/etc. Connect with old friends, make new friends, I KNOW its hard, it can be SO very hard. I spent quite a few Saturday nights babysitting for friend's kids because I couldn't bear to be home alone, and I needed something to distract me. It WILL be ok, you WILL move on, you WILL grow from this. And when you meet the right guy, you will be so happy you ended up with him and not this guy. Trust me.

Please take care of you, and reach out to people if you need help through this. I know it hurts.

 

[starrzone]

Wow...just wow...THANK YOU to all the posters who took their time to answer! I got up this morning and have been reading through each and every post. I'll be reading one and say to myself "Oh, but it will be SO hard to cut things off..." and then the next post will say "It WILL be hard but you have to focus on YOU first before you look for another relationship", and the one after that will say "I went through something similar...I know it's hard...". This situation sucks, plain and simple. I think the most important thing right now is to focus on ME. Lose the weight, work on being by myself, and build up my confidence . I think that those posters who said that jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster are 100% right.

Thanks again, and I'd love to hear more . I'll be popping in quite often!

 

[horseshowmom]

Glad to hear that you're coming around.

I agree with the others that he wasn't the problem. He was honest. Do I think he was a gentleman? No, I don't. He knew this wasn't going anywhere, and he should have left you alone. OTOH, you also knew it wasn't going anywhere (he told you plainly) and just chose not to listen.

Sometimes relationships don't work out. It doesn't have to mean that anybody is the bad guy. It just doesn't work.

I once worked with a teacher whose personal life was such a mess that our principal called her in to talk to her (because it was spilling over into her school life). The principal was/is a really good guy and asked her why on earth she put up with this junk. Her response was that it was because the guy acted like he wanted her (even though he sponged off her and treated her poorly), and nobody else did. In the end, it ended very badly.

I once told someone that I knew that it's a lot worse to be in a relationship and lonely than it is to be single and lonely. She didn't listen then, but after a very bad relationship (which resulted in a child who now has to suffer through a less than stellar situation), she came to see exactly what I was talking about.

Don't allow yourself to be used by someone (even though he was using you with your permission). If you have self-esteem issues, that will just make it worse.

Best wishes as you struggle with your situation.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

Just don't focus on "If I lose weight, someone will love me". Instead focus on "I love me so I will take better care of my body".

If you need a little help in the choosing the right food, setting realistic goals and staying on track - try Sparkspeople.com. They do have books and gear for sale, but you don't have to purchase anything to use their on-line tools. It is NOT a diet plan. It is a life changing for the better plan.

It is not going to be all sunny and roses. You may find some darker times ahead, but you WILL get through it. Do not give up on yourself.

 

[krcit]

Drop his sorry *** like the piece of c--p he is. He is a liar and a cheat. Once a liar and a cheat, always a liar and cheat.
And, in your own best interest, you should get yourself tested for STDs.

Why is he a liar and a cheat? Seems like he was pretty honest with OP. If he doesn't love her and he was honest about it, how is he a liar?


OP, I'm sorry that things didn't work out but in the long run you will be better off. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them and you will find that person. Stay strong.

 

[MickeySP]

If you were in Mass I would say we dated the same guy.

I did date a man for a year after which he told me he just did not love me although he cared alot for me and enjoyed my company. He told me he felt he was holding me back. Well I stuck around for a few more months hoping her would change his mind - never happened. Like your guy he was honest I just didn't want to hear it.

I did tell him I would go when I was ready, he was fine with that. Our deal breaker was sex, if he ever slept with anyone else I needed to know for my safety as well as my self respect.

Eventually I realized he was right I didn't love him either but the idea of "the one" I was ready to move on. You need to get your head around the idea that your a worth while, and don't need anyone to "complete" you.

I stayed solo, dated a bit but vowed to not get serious with anyone til I felt secure in me.

When I was ready I put my profile back on POF(yep I was on POF) and met a great guy. He is just what I needed & wanted in a man. We have been together for 2 years. The best thing he likes about me is I don't need him to be always there. I can be independent but that I want him there.

POF is a good site but like any it has it's nuts & scum, you just need to weed them out. I met some very nice guys and have remained friends with some.

 

[cm8]

Hi OP, I just wanted to let you know of a great author by the name of Michelle Mckinney Hammond. She has lots of wonderful books and the 2 that stand out to me at this time( related to your situation) is "what becomes of the brokenhearted" and "What to do till love finds you". I have almost all of her books and they are inspirational and encouraging. Please do not allow yourself to be broken anymore. You are not a PAPER TOWEL, or a doormat, so please stop allowing him to rinse and reuse you. He has not intentions on being anything you want him to be. It is time for you to move on. I don't want to go getting "all religious up on you", so I will just leave it as this........


People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an
experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.-Jeanne Hesprich


And this one is From MADEA GOES TO JAIL

Some people come into your life for a lifetime, some come for a season. You’ve got to know which is which because you are always going to mess up when you mix up those seasonal people with those lifetime expectations.

Some people are like leaves on a tree the wind blows they’re over there. They’re unstable. It blow the other way, they’re over there. Seasons change they wither away and die. They’re gone – That’s all right. Most people in the world are like that. They are there to take from the tree. They aren’t there to do nothing but take and give shade every now and then. That’s all they can do. Don’t get mad at people like that, that’s who they are. They aint never gonna be nothing. That’s what they were put on this earth to be what they are – a leaf.

Now some people are like a branch on that tree. You’ve got to be careful of those branches because they’ll fool you. They’ll get there and make you think they are a good friend big and strong but the minute you step out on them they’ll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find you two or three people in your life that is like the roots at the bottom of that tree. You are blessed because them the kind of people that aint going nowhere. They aint worried about being seen don’t nobody have to know that they know you. They aint got to know what they are doing for you. But if those roots wasn’t there, that tree couldn’t live. Understand? A tree can have a hundred million branches but it only needs a few roots at the bottom to make sure it gets everything it needs. When you get some roots hold on to them but the rest of it – let it go. Let folks go.

It’s not going to be easy but it will get easy when you learn how to love yourself. You will get to a point in your life when you look at people and you go “ok wait a minute, you or me”, you will make a decision. Cause when you are telling folks to do something, and I’ve never thrown nobody away. Never in my life did I say “don’t bother me, don’t talk to me no more”. I’ve never done that. What I do is tell ya. I say, “Look, this thing you doing right here, that's gonna cause a problem. You’ve need to fix that, cause if we gonna be friends, if we gonna be cool, you gotta fix that cause if you don’t we gonna have an issue”. If you see somebody that fix that or that is trying to fix that. That is somebody that cares. Keep them people around. That is a leaf that is trying to grow up and be something else. Do you understand? But if you tell somebody that, “what you doing I need you to stop cause its hurting me” and they don’t try to stop, they keep doing it. They don’t care move on – let ‘em go. No matter how much it hurts let ‘em go. It will get easier. Every day it will get easier and easier. You’ve just got to make it through.

You need to learn how to be by yourself. People gotta learn how to be alone. I don’t understand all these people, “Oh I need somebody! Lord where is my man, where is my woman” They’re as crazy as hell. If you don’t know how to be by yourself, what good you think you gonna do with somebody else? Stop praying about it. Shut up and wait! Go work on you! That is what that time is for. To get yourself together.
I’d rather be in a corner by myself with a puppy and a goldfish then with somebody else wondering what the hell they there for. You would be surprised the thing that people put up with just so they can have somebody here to say they love them. That’s crazy. I don’t understand it. I can’t live in dysfunctional. I’m sorry! There are only two places on this earth you can have peace, the grave and your house. Now if you walk up in your house and you aint got no peace. Something wrong. Something wrong, I’m sorry. People be rebuking Satan. I be rebuking Satan and everyone else. This is mine, you’ve got to go!
You hear me? You better!!!

 

[brockash]

I'm confused. In your OP you mentioned that he would invite you over when he had the kids...are you the ex-wife? Or do you two have kids together? Honestly, for your sake I hope not, because it'll just make things sooooo much more complicated. If you two don't have kids together, you need to just walk away, and really run. Yes, he's stringing you along.

 

[Imzadi]

I'll be reading one and say to myself "Oh, but it will be SO hard to cut things off..." and then the next post will say "It WILL be hard but

What you have said right here, and I knew it last night, was that you have NOT hit bottom yet. Even with 4 pages of posts, you have not hit bottom. You will probably go a couple more rounds with this guy and/or go a round or two with the next guy, who is amazingly, coincidentally (yet not coincidentally) similar, because of the high they give you.

If you had hit bottom, you would not be thinking to talking about how painful it will be in the future tense, if/when you change this situation. This situation, as much as it hurts now, is still tolerable for you. If you had hit bottom, there is no more pain that is bearable.

When you hit bottom and finally had enough, you will be saying, "The pain I am in NOW is so excruciating, that breaking up with him will be a relief."

People would virtually chew their own arm off than stay in the metal claw trap that a person has around their heart.

When you hit bottom, and it clicks, you won't need 4 pages of posts. It finally is a done deal. You will have said ENOUGH. You'd be willing to walk through fire to get past the pain you are feeling now. It couldn't possibly hurt more, instead, you know there will be peace and relief at the other side.

 

[arminnie]

When you hit bottom, and it clicks, you won't need 4 pages of posts. It finally is a done deal. You will have said ENOUGH. You'd be willing to walk through fire to get past the pain you are feeling now. It couldn't possibly hurt more, instead, you know there will be peace and relief at the other side.

So true. The "love of my life" - so I thought treated me much the same way. I'd been engaged, proposed to multiple times, dated a ton, but this was a guy that I was drawn to like a moth to the flame.

When I finally broke up with him (took 6 months) I remember being in terrible pain - but then thinking (the rational side of me) what if I'd kept him. That was an even scarier thought.

 

[Imzadi]

I don't want to go getting "all religious up on you", so I will just leave it as this........


People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. . .


And this one is From MADEA GOES TO JAIL. . .

CM8, great sources.

I'll have to look up Michelle Mckinney Hammond. It sounds like she might have great, wise info, too, if it's as astute as the ones you mentioned.

Another great author and workshop leader, I highly recommend (to anyone,) who changed my life , is Debbie Ford. The essence of her work is getting people to accept their flaws, hidden shames & excruciating secrets, and learn to love and accept themselves exactly as they are.

When people love themselves at core, they wouldn't bring and keep people into their lives who are against all that. It just wouldn't fit their nature to bring someone so disharmonious to their thinking, their being, and their essence. It's as someone else here said, Like attracts Like.

When someone doesn't love themselves, having unloving people around is acceptable. They are doing it to themselves, so of course, they would allow other people around to behave the same way. It is a natural flow of action.

Debbie Ford's processes cut through to the core, to our unlovable places and the work is about healing and accepting ourselves. When we love and accept ourselves, we bring in loving people who accept us as we are. We accept them as they are. Not everyone fits. We don't change them, or twist ourselves around to change us.

As you quoted Medea saying, we can just tell them, "This doesn't work for me. This hurts me." We change the situation, or ask them to change the situation, but we don't expect to change the person or to fix the person to meet our needs. There is a difference in fixing/changing the person, versus fixing the problem. Acceptance and wisdom are knowing the difference.

 

[starrzone]

Why is he a liar and a cheat? Seems like he was pretty honest with OP. If he doesn't love her and he was honest about it, how is he a liar?


OP, I'm sorry that things didn't work out but in the long run you will be better off. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them and you will find that person. Stay strong.

*sigh* yeah, unfortunately, he WAS honest. Very honest, in fact, so I can't fault him there. It was a case of words saying one thing, and actions saying another. He admitted he couldn't give me 100%, that I was a wonderful woman and DESERVE a man who can give me 100%. So how can I be angry with him? I think I'm more mad at myself...

If you were in Mass I would say we dated the same guy.

I did date a man for a year after which he told me he just did not love me although he cared alot for me and enjoyed my company. He told me he felt he was holding me back. Well I stuck around for a few more months hoping her would change his mind - never happened. Like your guy he was honest I just didn't want to hear it.

I did tell him I would go when I was ready, he was fine with that. Our deal breaker was sex, if he ever slept with anyone else I needed to know for my safety as well as my self respect.

Eventually I realized he was right I didn't love him either but the idea of "the one" I was ready to move on. You need to get your head around the idea that your a worth while, and don't need anyone to "complete" you.

I stayed solo, dated a bit but vowed to not get serious with anyone til I felt secure in me.

When I was ready I put my profile back on POF(yep I was on POF) and met a great guy. He is just what I needed & wanted in a man. We have been together for 2 years. The best thing he likes about me is I don't need him to be always there. I can be independent but that I want him there.

POF is a good site but like any it has it's nuts & scum, you just need to weed them out. I met some very nice guys and have remained friends with some.

The bolded part...wow...I think we ARE talking about the same man! My situation is exactly the same. I can't really add anything to that!

The underlined part...that's what I'm going to do. I need to be ready, mentally and physically, for another relationship. I must admit, though, that I'm super-weary of PoF right now. I'm pretty bitter and negative about it, but I may give it a chance after awhile. Or, I might not have to (NOT that online dating is a bad thing; just saying that I might meet someone IRL through the clubs, etc. that I belong to ).

Hi OP, I just wanted to let you know of a great author by the name of Michelle Mckinney Hammond. She has lots of wonderful books and the 2 that stand out to me at this time( related to your situation) is "what becomes of the brokenhearted" and "What to do till love finds you". I have almost all of her books and they are inspirational and encouraging. Please do not allow yourself to be broken anymore. You are not a PAPER TOWEL, or a doormat, so please stop allowing him to rinse and reuse you. He has not intentions on being anything you want him to be. It is time for you to move on. I don't want to go getting "all religious up on you", so I will just leave it as this........

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an
experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.-Jeanne Hesprich


And this one is From MADEA GOES TO JAIL

Some people come into your life for a lifetime, some come for a season. You’ve got to know which is which because you are always going to mess up when you mix up those seasonal people with those lifetime expectations.

Some people are like leaves on a tree the wind blows they’re over there. They’re unstable. It blow the other way, they’re over there. Seasons change they wither away and die. They’re gone – That’s all right. Most people in the world are like that. They are there to take from the tree. They aren’t there to do nothing but take and give shade every now and then. That’s all they can do. Don’t get mad at people like that, that’s who they are. They aint never gonna be nothing. That’s what they were put on this earth to be what they are – a leaf.

Now some people are like a branch on that tree. You’ve got to be careful of those branches because they’ll fool you. They’ll get there and make you think they are a good friend big and strong but the minute you step out on them they’ll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find you two or three people in your life that is like the roots at the bottom of that tree. You are blessed because them the kind of people that aint going nowhere. They aint worried about being seen don’t nobody have to know that they know you. They aint got to know what they are doing for you. But if those roots wasn’t there, that tree couldn’t live. Understand? A tree can have a hundred million branches but it only needs a few roots at the bottom to make sure it gets everything it needs. When you get some roots hold on to them but the rest of it – let it go. Let folks go.

It’s not going to be easy but it will get easy when you learn how to love yourself. You will get to a point in your life when you look at people and you go “ok wait a minute, you or me”, you will make a decision. Cause when you are telling folks to do something, and I’ve never thrown nobody away. Never in my life did I say “don’t bother me, don’t talk to me no more”. I’ve never done that. What I do is tell ya. I say, “Look, this thing you doing right here, that's gonna cause a problem. You’ve need to fix that, cause if we gonna be friends, if we gonna be cool, you gotta fix that cause if you don’t we gonna have an issue”. If you see somebody that fix that or that is trying to fix that. That is somebody that cares. Keep them people around. That is a leaf that is trying to grow up and be something else. Do you understand? But if you tell somebody that, “what you doing I need you to stop cause its hurting me” and they don’t try to stop, they keep doing it. They don’t care move on – let ‘em go. No matter how much it hurts let ‘em go. It will get easier. Every day it will get easier and easier. You’ve just got to make it through.

You need to learn how to be by yourself. People gotta learn how to be alone. I don’t understand all these people, “Oh I need somebody! Lord where is my man, where is my woman” They’re as crazy as hell. If you don’t know how to be by yourself, what good you think you gonna do with somebody else? Stop praying about it. Shut up and wait! Go work on you! That is what that time is for. To get yourself together.
I’d rather be in a corner by myself with a puppy and a goldfish then with somebody else wondering what the hell they there for. You would be surprised the thing that people put up with just so they can have somebody here to say they love them. That’s crazy. I don’t understand it. I can’t live in dysfunctional. I’m sorry! There are only two places on this earth you can have peace, the grave and your house. Now if you walk up in your house and you aint got no peace. Something wrong. Something wrong, I’m sorry. People be rebuking Satan. I be rebuking Satan and everyone else. This is mine, you’ve got to go!
You hear me? You better!!!

THANK YOU so much!!! I love the quotes you put in, and I think I'm going to save those and print them out.

The part I bolded- I like this part. It's very relevant to my situation. I feel sort of like a paper towel sometimes; our "relationship" is like a roller coaster. He feels lonely, he "uses" the paper towel until it's "full" of what he wants. Then he rinses it, and decides to go "wipe" someone else with it...

I'm confused. In your OP you mentioned that he would invite you over when he had the kids...are you the ex-wife? Or do you two have kids together? Honestly, for your sake I hope not, because it'll just make things sooooo much more complicated. If you two don't have kids together, you need to just walk away, and really run. Yes, he's stringing you along.

No, I'm not the ex-wife. We have no kids together. He'd just invite me over when he had them to spend time with them, and to keep him company in the evenings after they went to bed.

Yeah, he's definitely stringing me along...

What you have said right here, and I knew it last night, was that you have NOT hit bottom yet. Even with 4 pages of posts, you have not hit bottom. You will probably go a couple more rounds with this guy and/or go a round or two with the next guy, who is amazingly, coincidentally (yet not coincidentally) similar, because of the high they give you.

If you had hit bottom, you would not be thinking to talking about how painful it will be in the future tense, if/when you change this situation. This situation, as much as it hurts now, is still tolerable for you. If you had hit bottom, there is no more pain that is bearable.

When you hit bottom and finally had enough, you will be saying, "The pain I am in NOW is so excruciating, that breaking up with him will be a relief."

People would virtually chew their own arm off than stay in the metal claw trap that a person has around their heart.

When you hit bottom, and it clicks, you won't need 4 pages of posts. It finally is a done deal. You will have said ENOUGH. You'd be willing to walk through fire to get past the pain you are feeling now. It couldn't possibly hurt more, instead, you know there will be peace and relief at the other side.

Bolded parts: I can see myself getting into a bad pattern with this type of guy; the "I've had such bad luck with relationships in the past and I'm looking for someone who will understand me" type of guy. I'm not sure how to break the cycle, but it HAS to be broken or else I'll go insane...

And yeah, I'm not quite at the bottom yet. I agree. I don't want to know what the bottom feels like...

 

[tink20]

I just wanted to say, don't depend on others to make you happy. You need to put yourself first. I dated a bunch of jerks and liars when I was younger. I would rather be alone and be happy, than be with someone that makes me feel bad about myself. Are you truly happy when you are with him? What do you want out of the relationship? Marriage? Is that ever going to happen? I would definitely have time away from him, and sort out your own life. Clear your head. Good luck, sweetie!

 

[starrzone]

I just wanted to say, don't depend on others to make you happy. You need to put yourself first. I dated a bunch of jerks and liars when I was younger. I would rather be alone and be happy, than be with someone that makes me feel bad about myself. Are you truly happy when you are with him? What do you want out of the relationship? Marriage? Is that ever going to happen? I would definitely have time away from him, and sort out your own life. Clear your head. Good luck, sweetie!

Aw, thanks!

Something that really, REALLY confuses me is that his "latest" PoF woman is 36 (he's 38), has no kids, and REALLY wants to be a mom. He told me that he's pretty sure neither of them is going to budge on the issue, so is he leading HER on in a way by going out with her? Maybe she thinks HE'LL change his mind, but he was always VERY adamant to me that he did NOT want any more kids.

 

[Magic Mom]

Aw, thanks!

Something that really, REALLY confuses me is that his "latest" PoF woman is 36 (he's 38), has no kids, and REALLY wants to be a mom. He told me that he's pretty sure neither of them is going to budge on the issue, so is he leading HER on in a way by going out with her? Maybe she thinks HE'LL change his mind, but he was always VERY adamant to me that he did NOT want any more kids.

If he's being honest with the women, then no he's not leading them on. He was honest with you.

Who cares what he is telling the other woman. That's their issue not yours. Speculating on the healthiness of their relationship does nothing for your problems or your life. Focus on why you made bad choices, not why they are making bad choices.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Aw, thanks!

Something that really, REALLY confuses me is that his "latest" PoF woman is 36 (he's 38), has no kids, and REALLY wants to be a mom. He told me that he's pretty sure neither of them is going to budge on the issue, so is he leading HER on in a way by going out with her? Maybe she thinks HE'LL change his mind, but he was always VERY adamant to me that he did NOT want any more kids.

Unless he had a vasectomy, he is full of it. Time to wake up OP! This man is telling you what you want to hear. Apparently he is really good at stringing along women.

 

[starrzone]

If he's being honest with the women, then no he's not leading them on. He was honest with you.

Who cares what he is telling the other woman. That's their issue not yours. Speculating on the healthiness of their relationship does nothing for your problems or your life. Focus on why you made bad choices, not why they are making bad choices.

You're right; he WAS honest with me. I really, REALLY need to get past the idea that he was leading me on, because as you and several other posters have mentioned, he TOLD me things up front! I'm just stuck on "If he wants to do XYZ with her, why didn't he want to do it with me? Was I not good enough?''...and the broken record goes around and around and around...

Unless he had a vasectomy, he is full of it. Time to wake up OP! This man is telling you what you want to hear. Apparently he is really good at stringing along women.

He says he wants a long-term relationship and that he wants to be happy. We had a heart-to-heart once, and I asked him why he hadn't gotten snipped. He said something along the lines of he wanted to be SURE that he was done having kids...and then goes on to avoid the baby aisle at the grocery store, saying "I hope I never have to go down THAT aisle again", and making the comment about not wanting any more kids.

I believe that he wants to be happy, but that he doesn't know what will make him happy. *sigh* I guess that's not my problem at this point. I mean, lots of people don't know exactly what they want in life, but I have to move on from this. The issue of having kids is not something you mess around with. Plus, he's sure he doesn't want me, so I'd better jump ship, mind my own business and get on with my life!

 

[smb6]

You know the answer; time to end this- cold turkey.

Yes, you should have ended it a long time ago and actually should have never started it based on his initial statements; but that is the past and there is not changing it. But don't let it continue into the future......