I need your help. my dad

[LOVEDISNEYLAND]

Thank you so much TO ALL OF YOU!!! I am going to print out all these responses and re-read them until it sticks. Yes, you guys are right. Each and everyone of you. If I had a friend who was treated by their parents like this, I would tell them to STOP beating yourself up because it wasn't your fault and focus their energy on the positive things in their life. It really is comical when I think about it because I can give this advice easily, but it's hard as stone to take my own advice. My husband is wonderful. He really is. I owe a LOT to him. I know that it's up to ME to fix me, not anyone else. My trust issues stem from being left by my mother and father. I know I need to fix this myself. Do any of you happen to know of any good books out there which pertain to this situation? anything helps. I know I don't know any of you, but you all offered wonderful advice and I hope you all understand how much that means to me. So again, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

 

[woodkins]

Thank you guys for replying. I have done counseling, but I still feel so broken and not to mention, it cost a lot and insurance only pays for 12 visits a year. The cost without insurance is 185 for 45 min. I'm just at my wits end. I tell myself, that I'm okay with the way things are, but then a couple months later, I start to feel awful again. Thank you for all who took the time to read and respond. Feel free to add anything else that you might think of later if need be. again, thank you!

The broken person is HIM not you. You have become who you are in spite of him. I'm not diminishing the hurt feelings you have or the resentment and anger you are feeling but you did nothing wrong. You were a child and your parents were the adults.

I have much less serious parental issues, but one breathrough for me when attending counseling went like this: You are going to the Home Depot to buy milk, the Home depot will never carry milk so you will always leave there disapointed and empty handed. You have two choices: only go to the Home Depot to get what they offer, or stop going to the home depot all together. That analogy relates to your dad. He may never be able to offer you what you are looking for so you have two choices only talk to him knowing what he has to offer and what the outcome will be or stop talking to him all together.

Hugs to you and I hope you find peace in your heart.

 

[mrslur]

A book that really helped me is How to Forgive When You Don't Feel Like It by June Hunt.

 

[Planogirl]

Wayne Dyer is a brilliant speaker and author. He does tend to get a bit too technical at times but he has really helped me sort through a lot of feelings.

I would personally look for solid advice on how to forgive myself too. If you're like me you tend to take on a lot of the blame yourself even though it's not justified.

 

[Lanshark]

Ask yourself this, is your life is better off with them (exactly as they are) or without them?

You did not make them the way they are. No amount of success, or accomplishment of your own is going to inspire them to become good parents at this point. Your life, growing up, was not fair. You are fortunate that you had grandparents to take up the slack. I can understand there is a void in you that you are trying to fill. Your biological parents are incapable of filling it. They were incapable then and it sounds as if they still are.

It sounds as if you are a successful, happy woman with a wonderful family.
Congratulations for succeeding despite they're lack of involvement in your life. It is their loss.

 

[cm8]

I will give it a shot at it.

OK, you want something they cannot give you and you keep going back hoping that THIS TIME they are going to change. Which is something people do go thru at times and not uncommon. So don't think that you are the first person to want what you did not have.

It doesn't matter if they are selfish, mentally ill, drug users, etc....

The point is they are who they are. You have to accept "what is" and not "what YOU want". Not an easy thing to do.

If you want to call and chat, then chat. If you cannot handle the "requests" or the anger he lobs at you then stop reaching out.

You have to be mentally prepared to deal with the people they are to maintain a relationship.

You are not in that place now and maybe you will never get there or maybe you will. Sometimes you have to let things go and move on with life.

When you are ready to deal, you will deal. Right now, not so much. Have to let it go for now.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I need anyone who is willing to offer advice to me without flamming me because that's not why I posted this. Thank you!

I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my dad and mom for not being there for me when I was little. They got divorced when I was little and my mom left when I was around 4 and haven't seen her since. Just recently just started talk to her within the last 3 months. I mostly ended up with my grandparents. (Bless them!!) My dad has never accepted me or at least that's how I feel. He only calls when he wants something and NEVER EVER has called just to say hi, even though I call him. I'm deeply hurt by the things he's done to me in my childhood and now in my adult life. I thought things we're going to change when he became ill, but then it went back to the same old thing. I was willing to let the past be in the past and start over again fresh. I know it was hard for my father to be a single parent trying to raise a girl, but I considered myself a pretty good kid. Yes, I drank in high school and stayed out late, went to parties, but what teenager doesn't do that. I feel that I made pretty good choices considering the amount of supervison I did not have growing up. Never drank and drove, never took drugs and waited until I was married to have sex. (Sorry I know for some that's too much info) I’m now happily married and have been for the last 7 years to a wonderful man, I’m a special ed teacher and have been for the last 8 years, and own my own home. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t care!!! Someone please explain this to me. I’m tired of always being the one to reach out and end up getting burned. The last time I spoke to him was 9 months ago. He had asked me to lie and without going into to much detail, break the law for him. When I told him I wasn’t going to do it, he stopped calling PERIOD!!! It’s like I’m dealing with my own child or something and I don’t even have children. I love my father and mother very much and just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m hurting and need some advice. Please feel free to speak the truth. Are they selfish or what??? Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond.

I haven't read any of the responses because I didn't want to be swayed by them, but I've highlighted what I see as the crux of your situation above in red. No. No one can explain this to you. Only your father can. None of us have the real-life experience of what happened in your family dynamic.

And asking random strangers on an internet BB if your parents are selfish is like asking a random rice farmer in Vietnam if the department store Santa at Target is wearing too much stuffing. There's no way anyone here can make that determination. We don't know all sides of the story.

What I would recommend is that if you already have a great relationship with your DH, your co-workers and the rest of your family, then you focus your attention on those relationships and let the one with your father go. You've said that the only time your father wants to interract with you is when he wants something and that makes you feel bad. If that is the case, then the only answer is to cut off all interaction.

If your father hasn't expressed an interest in building a trusting relationship with you by now, he's not going to. If interacting with him is causing you grief or pain, then stop all interraction and simply show up at his funeral as a sign of respect.

You asked for my honest opinion, there it is. Cut him off.

 

[LOVEDISNEYLAND]

Ask yourself this, is your life is better off with them (exactly as they are) or without them?

You did not make them the way they are. No amount of success, or accomplishment of your own is going to inspire them to become good parents at this point. Your life, growing up, was not fair. You are fortunate that you had grandparents to take up the slack. I can understand there is a void in you that you are trying to fill. Your biological parents are incapable of filling it. They were incapable then and it sounds as if they still are.

It sounds as if you are a successful, happy woman with a wonderful family.
Congratulations for succeeding despite they're lack of involvement in your life. It is their loss.

Yes, life is better without him, but there is also that tremendous amount of guilt I feel. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I still do a little. I also believe that all the lessons and people in life are presented to us to teach us something. I just wish right now I could be strong enough to tell him to his face that he no longer has the power to make me feel bad and that’s I’m choosing to stay away. The last time I spoke to him was Oct 2009 and I explained to him why I was staying away and he laughed and said, “everyone makes mistakes” without going into deep, I asked him “so, asking me to assist you in breaking the law, knowing that if I were to get caught I could potentially loose everything I worked so hard for was a mistake?” He said nothing. We pretty much left it at that. Yes, he is an extremely selfish man and I feel very sad for him that he’s this way.

 

[Lanshark]

I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you and that you are able to find peace. Sometimes, just walking away without explanation is the best course. Don't allow him to hurt you any further.

 

[kirstenb1]

Great advice from previous posters!! My own 2 cents. I maintain a cordial, sort of neighborly relationship with my dad. Unfortunately, there are things I can't let go of in our past. This seems to be the most courteous way I can deal with it, without hurting my siblings (some of whom feel the same way, some different), and our mother. I think it wouldn't be good to try to push it past cordial, for either of us.

 

[kellyg403]

OP many hugs your way. As a dd of a dad/father/sperm donor that really just doesn't have the ability to earn any of the titles, I will agree with the others.

I have had many years of therapy. My life, my attitude everything was shaped around not being good enough because of one man, one mortal human being who cared so little for me that I was always, and I do mean always, trying to hear "You are good enough to be my daughter". Its never going to happen, its never good to be what I want it. Ever. He is not capable of seeing me for who I am, or better yet..seeing himself for who he really is. And that is the turning point you must get to. My sperm donor was a charmer, he could figure out a way to make anything better by excuses or blaming someone else so you felt sorry for him. In the end, well just a liar and a cheat.

I have not spoken to him since I was 23 years old. And honestly, I dont miss him. I don't know if he is alive or dead, where he lives nothing...and its fine for me. Because you know, the whole idea was me running around looking and maitaining a relationship that ultimately DID NOT EXIST. He did not contact me for the first 18 years of my life, was in it for 4 and out again for 22. Never bothered with me after I decided to give myself a break.

He is who is he. I am not him nor would I ever BE like him. Concentrate on the good parts of your life and let him out there on his own. The sad news is with these types of people, he will find a new somebody to use if you aren't available. Create boundaries and let him know. And do not ever think less of yourself for loving your parents regardless of what they have done. You will be default, always love your parents. You have the capability to love someone even though they have not been kind/loving to you and that speaks volumes of what a kind and loving person you are. You can be proud of yourself.

Kelly

 

[luvmy3]

OP, I say this as a dd who was abandoned by their mother and who thought that when she was on her death bed (a few months ago) I would actually find out how (not why because decades later that didn't matter to me anymore) she could just leave her child and never look back. Even after her death I foolishly expected someone to find a letter addressed to me.
Nobody can explain it to you, only the people who can do such things know why/how they can and if they aren't willing to explain it to you then you will never know. The only advice I can give, is to learn to live the fact that you may never know, learn to move on and accept that as your past and keep it there, do not let it interfere with your future. You may be able to come to terms with that on your own, or you may need therapy but the most important thing is that YOU find a way to accept that you may never have the answers you are looking for and learn to live your life without always wondering why/how it could have happened to you

 

[LisaInNc]

I know how you feel.

I had to realize that I have the parent that I have, not the parent that I want or even the parent that I need. It's disappointing but it's the way it is. People are going to be who they are.

I am so sorry your Dad isn't what you need. It isn't about you at all.

Lisa

 

[seven dwarfs]

Oh my! I could have written most of this thread! I am experiencing this now, and have for many years, and it's an ongoing battle with my parents. I have never felt loved or appreciated. My parents love is not unconditional. This hurts. I constantly go back to them looking for acceptance, love which I will never have. They have always played a game of get me back and make me hurt if I don't do as they wish. They have always manipulated me. Just yesterday my Mom and I had a fight in which I decided I am done. They are not welcome in my home anymore. My Dad decided Thursday he wasn't coming to my home for Fathers Day to make me pay for something he thinks I did. (long story) But see now they hurt my kids not just me. When my kids got upset and asked why, instead of saying I don't want to come, they were told well your mom doesn't want us there. I was so upset and of course my Mom denies saying it, so six kids are lying? Anyway, I could write a book and it seems like each month it's a new drama. They always blame me when I approach them. They will say, I have issues I need to deal with they do no wrong ever. When I told my Mom I have never felt loved, her answer was I went to everyone of your PTA's. What??!!

I have been at a point with my grief where I wanted them to pay. I wanted to call them and tell them how I felt and let them hurt like they hurt me. But see, they will not validate me which is what you need. Never. So I have to come to grip with it. It's a awful feeling to want to be loved and be appreciated by the one whose closest to you and to know you will never have that.

My focus now is to be a better parent to my kids so they never feel pain like I have. I am dedicated to breaking the cycle of the past abuse from generation to generation. And this has given me the passion that I need to go on.

I really needed this thread today. I hope you to can find a new peace and begin to heal. Sometimes it is nice to know you are not alone.