Amy said:
My advice: tell your friend that while you're ecstatic that she's pregnant with triplets after all her problems, you're still grieving over your son and you don't think attending her shower will be good for you, and you don't want to ruin her happy day by being sad. Since she's been through miscarriages herself, she should understand. I DON'T think you should force yourself to go if you're still that upset; that'll only delay your own healing.
I agree with this (Amy
). When I was going through the infertility process I got to a point where I couldn't attend baby showers. It was too painful. At work there were a bunch of us trying to get pregnant at the same time and 9 of them went on to become pregnant - all but me. While they spent every spare moment chatting about cribs and wallpaper, I was making doctors appts, undergoing painful tests and dealing with my grief at the situation I found myself in. I had to separate myself for a while so I could deal with my own feelings. Nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot. It wouldn't even surprise me if you have a bit of post traumatic stress mixed in with your other emotions. Holidays are especially hard when you're in pain. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist to help you sort it all through.
I'm sure with all your friend's been through, she'll understand. Here's how I would handle it: a day or two after the shower, I'd bring her a beautiful, meaningful gift with a card explaining how happy I was for her and that I was sorry I couldn't make the shower. In the quiet of her home, you can explain your feelings and cry if you need to - that way she'll know how you are yet you won't have the stress of a possible breakdown at the shower.
When I was pregnant with my twins, I was speaking to an old friend one day. She had 3 beautiful children of her own. Out of the blue she told me that, although she was happy for me, my pregnancy was painful for her because she herself had lost boy/girl twins at 25 weeks a few years back and she was still grieving their loss. It was like someone smacked me upside the head, I didn't realize she felt that way. I was glad she said something because it made me sensitive to her situation, and others that followed.
The only other thing I can offer is that, even though there's still some insensitivity out there, there's a lot better understanding than there used to be. My mother lost her first child at birth in the early 1950's. When my mother woke up (!) after the delivery, she asked my father what they'd had, and he told her "a girl, but she's dead". They placed my mother in a ward with other new mothers and their babies, and she was told by her family to "stop crying, you'll have another one". The doctor named the baby when he baptized her, and a small funeral was held while my mother was still in the hospital - she never got to see her. Fifty five years later, my mother still speaks of the sadness of this experience. She was never allowed to grieve the loss. I even get upset when I think about it, it's maddening the way things were handled back then. So I think we're fortunately in a better place of understanding and support.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I think the fact that you're worried about this shows you're a caring person. But honestly, you have to take care of yourself right now, and that means doing whatever it is that feels right for YOU. Go with your gut on this one. You can still show your happiness for your friend without going to an even that's going to be very difficult for you.
Very proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
