I need help with my DD12

[happily single]

I realized as I was typing this that it sounded like my dd was feeling neglected or missing some one on one attention. I can just about assure you that is not the case. She spends quiet a bit of time with her favorite aunt, who has no kids and spoils her rotten. I sometimes put a stop to her spending time with her aunt because when she comes home she is so b*tchy. I'm calling it selfish, but I guess I really should she feels ENTITLED to everything.

I agree that it's a teenage girl thing, but I just want it to end. I do take away whatever she has demanded and send her to her room if we are home.

I don't treat her like an adult ie: making her responsible for her siblings. In fact, I have to constantly remind her that I am the mother and she should leave her siblings alone....Ahhhhhh

 

[PollyannaMom]

I second (third, whatever we're on) the volunteering idea. DS first helped out at the Food Pantry when he was about 3, and just holding the bags open for the grown-ups to fill. She's definitely not too young.

I'm also big on contests. - Maybe marbles in a jar every time you catch someone at an act of kindness? She'll be practicing the behaviors you want, but also "winning" at the same time, which may be the feeling she's trying to get from the current behavior.

 

[monkeybug]

I realized as I was typing this that it sounded like my dd was feeling neglected or missing some one on one attention. I can just about assure you that is not the case. She spends quiet a bit of time with her favorite aunt, who has no kids and spoils her rotten. I sometimes put a stop to her spending time with her aunt because when she comes home she is so b*tchy. I'm calling it selfish, but I guess I really should she feels ENTITLED to everything.

I agree that it's a teenage girl thing, but I just want it to end. I do take away whatever she has demanded and send her to her room if we are home.

I don't treat her like an adult ie: making her responsible for her siblings. In fact, I have to constantly remind her that I am the mother and she should leave her siblings alone....Ahhhhhh

Does she get one on one time with you too? Spending time with her Aunt is awesome, but it's not the same as spending time with you.
If it's a sense of entitlement thing, make sure she learns that she gets things, by earning things. Chores, volunteering, being kind,trying hard...give her privileges and rewards for these things. Selfish behavior, laziness, talking back, rudeness...let her lose things for those sorts of things.
Teach her that when you do good, you earn good. When you do bad, you earn bad. A sense of entitlement comes from feeling like you deserve something even though you've put forth no effort to earn it. The only way to rectify that is to make it clear that you earn things in life and at home, good and bad.
It can be a real problem in adult hood. I have family members (through marriage) who are in a vicious cycle of poverty because of a feeling of entitlement that they keep passing down to the next generation.
They think their circumstances control their lives, and that other people should be responsible for changing them. They don't have any clue that they are the ones bringing about their circumstances, and that they are the only ones with the power to change them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Before I jump on the "she has some psychological/neurological problem and needs professional help" and "show her how bad others have it" bandwagon....

I am going to go out on a limb and mention something that I notice from the original post.

Both of these incidents relate to the other children enjoying something to eat or drink while the DD seems to be left out.

IMHO, especially with children... unless there is enough for everyone, then it doesn't happen. That is just basic common courtesy and human nature.

The DD mentioned that they were one juice box short... Does that mean that she was expected to be the one with NO juice box???? Or, did she actually take two juice boxes.
Honestly, it sounds as if it is being assumed that this DD is not getting anything.

It sounds like she might be getting lost in the mix, and being left out, when it comes to all the other kids?????
She is always the 'expendable' one...
The one who does not 'matter' as much....

If this is the case, then how can she be expected to have empathy, when that would mean that SHE never gets her needs/desires met, because she is always 'last'.

I really fear that while the OP may not realize it, that this is the situation.

Again, I notice that both of the incidents mentioned relate to the other children enjoying something to eat or drink while the DD seems to be left out. If this is something that happens regularly and is just expected to be 'okay', I would have a huge problem with that.

 

[HM]

When she does things like your examples, do you ask her way she did it? Having her voice her reasons/needs/wants might be a good start to finding the root of the problem and finding a solution.

It may be that you'll have to help your daughter see ways to be more thoughtful, generous, and giving. Point out when she is doing the right thing and be positive with her when you can. Positive reinforcement can go a long way.

Good luck!

 

[BelleRocks]

I have a DD11 like this as well. I think that some kids are just more naturally empathetic than others, and those others you just have to KEEP WORKING WITH.

I find it helpful to discuss situations "after the fact" rather than during the situation (unless it clearly needs to be dealt with immediately). Discussing it later makes it less threatening and she seems to listen more openly.

I also got a really good book, Teaching Children Empathy, The Social Emotion by Tonia Caselman that has some great specifics in it. You would think a healthy human would just "get it", but sometimes they really need to be taught specifically HOW to think of others first.

An attitude of entitlement is a problem in our society as a whole, and its no wonder I think that it affects our kids and we have to work very hard to counteract it.

Good luck to you, I have seen some progress in mine. It's slow, but it's there!