I need advice on my 13 yr. old DD (long post)

[Gette88]

I really need advice from parents. I found my DD's journal yesterday while cleaning her room. She is 13. Well, a page was ripped and sticking out so I turned to the page and read it. I know some people might find that to be wrong but I did it and would do it again. What I read was that my DD went to a sleep over a few weeks ago and 2 boys also slept over with the birthday girls brother. One of the boys is my daughters "school boyfriend" shes not aloud to date and I just let her start having boys call a few weeks before this party. Well, I'm a wreck. I'm crying right now while typing this. My DD said he wanted to kiss and she wouldn't and he got mad and it did say that in her journal but I'm so upset of what may have or could have happened. I mean what were these parents thinking. I never dreamed this could happen at a girls sleep over. My DH is just as upset as me. He came home from work early yesterday so when DD got home we were both waiting. She was suppose to have a friend over but I took her friend straight home. DD can no longer have any boys call and no more sleep overs. She is punished no phone or computer. I don't know what else to do. Does anyone have any advice, I really need it.

 

[holycow]

Hugs to you...I would just definately keep talking with her so that you can keep the lines of communication open with her...

AUGH teenagers!!!!! LOL


Holycow

 

[wdwfam]

I guess you should be happy that she wouldn't go along with the kissing. I tend to overreact when my DD15 tells me things that might/might not have happened, but looking at your situation, it seems that you should be proud that she wouldn't participate. I think any future sleepovers need to be monitored. Teens shouldn't have to make good decisions because the parents made unwise ones

 

[CBRorBust]

Okay I am not a parent, so please feel free to ignore me after this sentence.


What are you mad about at her? Okay...wait. I can see that you are mad that she probably knew he was going to be there, and didn't tell you. BUT that really is all that you can be mad at her for. She did the right thing by telling him NO. I think that if anything, you should be more mad at these parents for not telling you that there would also be boys at the sleep over. But in all honestly, they may have had NO CLUE that this was your daughter's boyfriend. I remember going to slumber parties where my friends brother was always allowed to have a guest over too. This kept us from tormenting him and vice versa.

I think that you need to step back from this and really look at what happened? He was there, yes. He tried, yes. BUT SHE SAID NO and you should be so proud of that! You should be proud that you daughter told this boy NO.

I think you should talk to the parents who held the sleepover and let them know that you are not going to allow your child to go to sleepovers that involve both sexes at this time. But like I said in their defense, they could have not even known and all they were doing is being fair by letting their other son have a guest over.

 

[Gette88]

Thank you both so much for responding. I just can't stop crying. I'm glad DD didn't go along with him but I'm so upset at the parents and DD for not calling me when she knew how DH and I would feel about this. I know at 13 it probably seemed like fun having the boys around and I know it's hard to make the right decisions at that age but she knew he didn't belong there.

 

[GEM]

OK. I'm probably going to get flamed here, but I can take it.

Anyway, she didn't kiss him, so I'm not sure why she is being punished either. However, even if she had, I think 13 is a pretty average age for a first kiss. I honestly don't see the big deal. The boy was there because he was friends with the brother. It's not like boys were really invited as part of the girls' gathering. It was just a coincidence that he was your daughter's boyfriend.

But, I don't think a kiss that didn't even happen is really anything for you to cry about. It's gonna happen sooner or later - probably sooner. I was 13 when I had my first kiss, and most of my friends were around the same age - and we were all good kids!

 

[Tiggeroo]

You should be proud of your dd. She did the right thing. I doubt she had any control over the boys sleeping over. You live with her so obviously you know more about this situation then I do. Personally I wouldn't punish her. You want her to be open with you, not secretive. With kids this age, it's new territory for the parents. They might not have even seen a problem with their son and daughter having friends sleep over the same night. Now you know, and you know it is something you don't want so you can ask next time.

 

[Gette88]

CBRorBust, I told myself the same thing, that the parents may not have known it was DD's boyfriend. I'm mad at DD because I believe she knew he would be there and she knew it was wrong and hid it from her father and I. I'm very glad nothing happened but now I won't take it for granted anymore that there won't be boys at sleep overs. This is my oldest child and today I am truly feeling overwhelmed.

 

[Pamlur]

I'm 60 years old, and my first kiss happened at 13 (yes, I do still remember it fondly). I'm going to put my flame-retardent suit on here, and say that I think you are overreacting; it's hard to realize that they are growing up, but they do in spite of us.

It wasn't a good thing that there was a boys' sleepover combined with a girls' sleepover, but I think your daughter handled the situation very well (except not telling you IF she knew it was going to happen).

 

[Gette88]

Gem, I'm not going to flame anyone here. I wrote this because I need advice and opinions.

 

[Pete's Mom]

Wow! But why are you punishing her? If anyone deserves the blame here, it is the parents of the girl who let them have a "co-ed" sleep over.

You should be apologizing to her for reading her journal and then applauding her for doing the right thing. Just my opinion.

 

[Gette88]

I knew all along DH and I might be overreacting, like I said this is all new to us. All of your opinions are very valuable to me right now because it's hard to step back and look at it clearly.

 

[CBRorBust]

Opinions we can give you. Just remember that we love you and please do not take them personal.


I think that if you want to punish your daughter for leaving out vital information, more power to you.

BUT

You have to realize that she may not get a phone call at home from a boy, but that is NOT gonna stop, prevent, or keep anything that is going to happen from happening. Boys and Girls at that age are going to make whatever is in their mind happen. One way or another. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about the "romance" part of it. It just means that they are going to write even more letters, talk even more at lunch, dawdle after classes, they are going to find anyway to get what they want. It's just nature. I remember when I was growing up and I had the phone taken away from me, I would just wait till my parents went to bed then I'd get on the phone. Sneaky...yes. Natural...yes.

You need to start a good strong relationship with your daughter now, otherwise it is just going to keep getting harder and more difficult. Lay down the law, but try to keep an open mind.

Hugs to you at this crazy stage of life!

 

[Gette88]

I don't regret reading her journal, at least now I'm aware of this and will make sure it doesn't happen again. I know it's not right to read her journal but I'll bet I'm not the only mom who would.

 

[Gette88]

CBRorBust, your right. DH didn't want DD to get calls from boys and I convinced him if we didn't let her she would just do it behind our backs and I didn't want that to happen. DD and I have a very open relationship. She tells me pretty much everything, obviously not everything but I know that's normal.

 

[iamsorcerermickey]

quote:
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My DD said he wanted to kiss and she wouldn't and he got mad
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I think you need to look at what she wrote in her journal again. She didn't kiss him. I don't know the full background of how is DD is, but with reading that, it seems that you have brought up a daughter who thinks things through.

She has to know/think that you trust her.

You might want to mention to her that should this or any situation come up in the future that she knows/thinks could upset you, that you would appreciate a phone call from her, that way you could speak with the parents, and check out the arrangements (maybe the dad slept in the same room as the boys or maybe the parents stayed up all night).

JMO but I think all the punishments she received are a little extreme for a situation that she had no control over. Maybe she wasn't sure what to do when she found out that other boys were also staying over. Did she know ahead of time that the other boys were sleeping over also? Maybe she assumed because the parents were home this would be OK with you.

I don't know for sure, but you might want to talk with her again after you have calmed down. Communication is another key thing that you want to have with your kids.

Communication and Trust --It's important.

 

[TimeforMe]

I agree with the majority here that you are over-reacting a bit, but watching our children grow up is very difficult; especially since she is your oldest. You are experiencing everything for the first time and many times *we* may not be ready for it, which may be why you are feeling overwhelmed, crying, etc. I would give it a few days, put things in perspective (your dd should be commended) and then have a talk with her. I have a 15 y.o. dd and a 13 y.o. ds, so I know how hard it is at times. Good luck and

 

[Minnie824]

Ok, I'm a parent, but my DD is very young still...so this is based on my relationship with my mother when I was younger. I'll tell you, one thing she did was read my journal, overreact to something I had written, and it was the start of a long tense relationship with her. I still to this day think that is an invasion of privacy and I will never read my DD's journal, no matter what the situation. Thats where she keeps private thoughts, etc, and may feel she can't trust you after that. Just my opinion.

Anyway, that being said....she didn't kiss him, but even if she did, its not a big deal. Its a kiss. Its not like it was 'more' than that...which when I was younger, people were doing at 13. (Not saying its right, just stating a fact). On the other hand, I agree with not wanting a co-ed sleepover, especially one you didn't know about....I wouldn't like that at any age for my DD, because you don't know what may happen. I would talk to the parents about that. I don't know if I would ban the boys all together either, because that my lead to more problems....I don't think it hurts for them to talk on the phone at that age...You need to show her you trust her too. Sorry, just my opinion on this stuff.

 

[tar heel]

I really don't see the problem either unless you've left out some information. I'm assuming the boys and girls slept in different rooms and that the parents were there to supervise. If that isn't the case, you should be upset with the parents. Your daughter didn't plan to do anything wrong, so I don't see why she should have called and said there were boys. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she and the boy were not really alone --that the other kids were there, too -- when he tried to kiss her. I had had my first kiss when I was 13 but I would never have done anything beyond that.

Since you asked, I'll say that I think you've gone way overboard on the punishment. My best friend when I was a teen had very strict parents. Mine were looser -- communicated clearly their expectations, but understood that I was growing up. I didn't want to disappoint them and behaved accordingly for the most part. My friend did absolutely everything she thought she could get away with. I also shared virtually everything with my mother, and my friend told hers nothing and lied to them frequently.

 

[KristaTX]

I'm not a parent, but I was a teenage girl once upon a time. Just be sure to let your daughter know that you are proud of her for not kissing the boy if she didn't want to. Also let her know why you are upset. It sounds like you are upset because 1) she didn't tell you that the boy was at the sleepover, and 2) because the other parents allowed boys of the same age to be present at a girls' sleepover. She is still a young teenager and doesn't think like an adult. An explanation should help her to mature and will hopefully help keep the lines of communication open.

Krista