I may have to get ugly with SIL...

[Myothername]

Here is the situation. My husband’s sister lives about 8 hours from their mother. We live about 5 hours away. My MIL has had diverticulitis on and off for several years but about 2 months ago she got really sick with it. SIL happened to be visiting her this particular episode. MIL had been to the doctor on Monday but by Thursday she was no better, altered mental status, fever, no appetite, etc. SIL would not take her back to the doctor or to the ER. My husband and I both talked with her over that weekend and talked to MIL’s sisters but no one would stand up to SIL. I finally called her and told her that even young people die of this illness and that she needed to go by ambulance to the ER. SIL was so condescending to me saying that would only scare MIL and that she could not be sitting in an ER for hours and that she had it under control. I tried to argue with her that they would put her on a stretcher and admit her but she would not hear it. Well, that Monday morning they drive her to the doctor’s office, 30 minutes away when a fine hospital is 5 minutes away. Of course the immediately admit her to the small little hospital in that town. And of course SIL leaves town before she is even in the room. MIL was in the hospital for 3 weeks and now is in a nursing home. Well she is sick again which I expected with the same thing. She has been moved to the large hospital near her sisters’ home which is good and she is getting good care. But now SIL is talking about checking on signing her up for hospice!!! Hospice is for people who are terminal with no expectation of getting better. My MIL has a good chance of recovering from this and going back to the nursing home. I told DH that his sister has lost all rights to make health care decisions for their mother since her last episode. He said we will talk about it tonight but there is no way I am going to let SIL make a decision about even what tv station will be on the tv in MIL’s room.
Sorry for the long post but I had to vent.

 

[Ceila]

Here is the situation. My husband’s sister lives about 8 hours from their mother. We live about 5 hours away. My MIL has had diverticulitis on and off for several years but about 2 months ago she got really sick with it. SIL happened to be visiting her this particular episode. MIL had been to the doctor on Monday but by Thursday she was no better, altered mental status, fever, no appetite, etc. SIL would not take her back to the doctor or to the ER. My husband and I both talked with her over that weekend and talked to MIL’s sisters but no one would stand up to SIL. I finally called her and told her that even young people die of this illness and that she needed to go by ambulance to the ER. SIL was so condescending to me saying that would only scare MIL and that she could not be sitting in an ER for hours and that she had it under control. I tried to argue with her that they would put her on a stretcher and admit her but she would not hear it. Well, that Monday morning they drive her to the doctor’s office, 30 minutes away when a fine hospital is 5 minutes away. Of course the immediately admit her to the small little hospital in that town. And of course SIL leaves town before she is even in the room. MIL was in the hospital for 3 weeks and now is in a nursing home. Well she is sick again which I expected with the same thing. She has been moved to the large hospital near her sisters’ home which is good and she is getting good care. But now SIL is talking about checking on signing her up for hospice!!! Hospice is for people who are terminal with no expectation of getting better. My MIL has a good chance of recovering from this and going back to the nursing home. I told DH that his sister has lost all rights to make health care decisions for their mother since her last episode. He said we will talk about it tonight but there is no way I am going to let SIL make a decision about even what tv station will be on the tv in MIL’s room.
Sorry for the long post but I had to vent.

Does you MIL have a power of attorney? Perhaps your husband needs to discuss that with her as soon as she's up to that kind of talk.

 

[VAN]

Agree that your husband needs to get power of attorney both for her medical and for her financials. It does not sound like his sister has the best interests of her mother at heart.

As hard as it is, however, it is your husband that needs to lead the charge and you be the support. This is HIS mother and HIS sister.

 

[ENSOCK]

Agree that your husband needs to get power of attorney both for her medical and for her financials. It does not sound like his sister has the best interests of her mother at heart.

As hard as it is, however, it is your husband that needs to lead the charge and you be the support. This is HIS mother and HIS sister.

totally agree! You need to stay out of it. I learned the hard way that you can not get in the middle of his family! Good luck!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I would tread carefully. I agree your SIL is an unfit wackadoo, but she is still your MIL's daughter. The bottom line is that it's very hard for people in these situations to see things clearly. Even if your MIL recovers she will probably not side with you because she was in la la land and didn't see what your SIL did to endanger her. My vote is to let your DH deal with his sister. There is probably much more to it than simply standing up to your SIL. Just make your MIL as comfortable as possible and make sure the Dr's realize your DH exists so they can include him if SIL is being unreasonable. Beyond that, as frustrating as it may be, there isn't much you can do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Here is the situation. My husband’s sister lives about 8 hours from their mother. We live about 5 hours away. My MIL has had diverticulitis on and off for several years but about 2 months ago she got really sick with it. SIL happened to be visiting her this particular episode. MIL had been to the doctor on Monday but by Thursday she was no better, altered mental status, fever, no appetite, etc. SIL would not take her back to the doctor or to the ER. My husband and I both talked with her over that weekend and talked to MIL’s sisters but no one would stand up to SIL. I finally called her and told her that even young people die of this illness and that she needed to go by ambulance to the ER. SIL was so condescending to me saying that would only scare MIL and that she could not be sitting in an ER for hours and that she had it under control. I tried to argue with her that they would put her on a stretcher and admit her but she would not hear it. Well, that Monday morning they drive her to the doctor’s office, 30 minutes away when a fine hospital is 5 minutes away. Of course the immediately admit her to the small little hospital in that town. And of course SIL leaves town before she is even in the room. MIL was in the hospital for 3 weeks and now is in a nursing home. Well she is sick again which I expected with the same thing. She has been moved to the large hospital near her sisters’ home which is good and she is getting good care. But now SIL is talking about checking on signing her up for hospice!!! Hospice is for people who are terminal with no expectation of getting better. My MIL has a good chance of recovering from this and going back to the nursing home. I told DH that his sister has lost all rights to make health care decisions for their mother since her last episode. He said we will talk about it tonight but there is no way I am going to let SIL make a decision about even what tv station will be on the tv in MIL’s room.
Sorry for the long post but I had to vent.

Does your SIL have POA? I would encourage your dh to jump in and find out the situation with his mother. Are you guys taking to the doctors/nursing home? I would certainly go up there and see what is going on.

My sister is dealing with her MIL and SIL in her house. MIL is dying of cancer and SIL is recovering from a broken ankle.

Her DH has stepped up and is taking care of his mom. She needs heavy medical attention 24/7. Many people are helping with things, including me. It is a huge undertaking.

Unless you are providing care & seeing them daily it is really hard to see what the deal is.

It is tough to be that far away and wonder what the heck is going on. Do you think you can put her in a nursing home closer to you?

 

[Myothername]

Does you MIL have a power of attorney? Perhaps your husband needs to discuss that with her as soon as she's up to that kind of talk.

I doubt she has one because she was really funny about things like this unless SIL got her to sign one when she was out of it. Would not put it past her. Right now MIL is not mentally competent to sign one.

 

[Myothername]

Fortunately SIL is still 8 hours away and can't really do much. MIL's sister is taking care of things with the doctors right now and she and I are on the same page as far as her health care. Aunt is totally against hospice as they had a relative who had a very bad experience with hospice. SIL has a history with the whole hospice thing. She put their father on hospice. He had been in a very very nice nursing home paid 100% by his insurance. When he got sick with the same thing for about the 5th time she got him admitted to a VA hospice facility. I can't believe it is any nicer than the nursing home where he had been. Well FIL is back to his old self now which tells me he never qualified for hospice to begin with. She caught him when he was sick and he told her he was tired of being sick and wanted it to end. That is when she put him in the hospice facility. She has this obsession with hospice for some reason. I know hospice is a good thing in the right case but neither of them are terminal or expected to die in the next 6 months which are the basic qualifications for hospice.

I don't know if it a control thing with SIL or what. She is very domineering and I have told DH he has to step up. If he won't I will. But at least my MIL's sister and I agree and if SIL tries to pull anything she will make sure the doctors know there is a son as well.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Everyone is right....
If you husband, and/or anyone else in his family, are content to let this continue, then that is unfortunate....

You need to talk with your husband....
Support him in taking some action/control here, as others are recommending.

Other than that, unfortunately, you have to stay out of it.

I am so sorry about your MIL!!!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Sorry you are going through this. Is MIL going to have to be in a nursing home for the rest of her life? If that is the case can you move her to one near you, so that DH and you can see to her needs? You seem to really care and that is awesome, but your DH does have to deal with his sister. But have him talk to his mom and try to get her to move near you.

Good Luck!

 

[clarabelle]

Hospice won't take her willy nilly.
I am pretty sure that there has to be a statement from her MD that she is terminal before they will sign her up.

 

[Chesire]

Hospice won't take her willy nilly.
I am pretty sure that there has to be a statement from her MD that she is terminal before they will sign her up.

I am pretty sure this is the case.

 

[Myothername]

Hospice won't take her willy nilly.
I am pretty sure that there has to be a statement from her MD that she is terminal before they will sign her up.

I know but she somehow got FIL's doctor to sign him up for hospice when he obviously did not qualify. The thing is MIL is not terminal at this point. I am just wondering if SIL is just tired of taking care of her. Although she really screwed up the last time she tried to make decisions about her healthcare.

 

[pat fan]

Having just gone through some in-law family health things, I understand how hard this all is. Here are a few things we learned, but this pertains to ma. and I don't know where you are and if the same rules apply in your state.

1. A Power of Attorney should be done while the person is in a sound mind (I think they have to be) but the PoA has no say unless the person is mentally/physically unable to make decisions for him/herself.

2. A Health Proxy let's you make health care decisions. This should be done while he/she is mentally aware as well. PoA is more financial stuff.

3. You can't just request Hospice. A Dr. has to be in that decision making, it's not just a whim or a service you can "hire" like a visiting nurse.

4. As a DIL, you really have no say. Harsh but true. My DH hates dealing with Dr's/hospitals and knows that I do a better job as an advocate and understanding what is going on. However, unless he insists on be being there and having me involved, I can't. I can't even call the hospital and ask my FIL's condition because I am not "family" So I lie and say I'm his daughter. Shoot me Also, my SIL doesn't always appreciate when I do/say anything, so I tread very lightly there and just try to coach DH with questions he should ask and things he should say.

One example for family dysfunction in times like these is when my DMIL was dying, I stayed with her every-other night while she was in a coma (DSIL had the other night, my DH worked nights) and took care of her. I wrote the checks to pay bills because my DFIL didn't know how and when my DMIL passed away and they were planning the funeral, I called DSIL to see what I could make for the funeral (food-wise) and she told me that the women of the family were all at her house taking care of it and I didn't need to do anything. So I was good enough to care for her (change diaper,give pain swabs etc...) but I still wasn't part of the family. Nice.

Good luck to you, it's not an easy road.

 

[ols386]

As others have said, you should let your dh deal with the situation. It's not up to you to be making decisions for the MIL, it's up to your dh and his sister. Your getting all involved and getting ugly with your SIL will not help the situation. It will only make it worse. I wish you and your family the best.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I suppose I am just not getting this....
Right now, the SIL is 8 hours away. (even out of state?), right....
And the MIL's sister is now the one handling things.

I suppose I am not seeing how the SIL could be such an issue.
Just by phone and email???? (to which I would say - so just ignore it)
Or, is this SIL traveling back and forth?????

( If this is the case, IMHO, the fact that she is the one making the effort and sacrifices to travel and 'be there' do give her some power and say so. If your DH is not making this effort, even if it is because he truly is not able, then he really is abdicating any ability to do very much. )

OP: If your MIL is now this mentally incapacitated, her sister or your DH need to have her declared not able to make these kinds of decisions on her own behalf, and name either the sister or your husband as some kind of guardian/power of attorney.... This would take some effort... And would need to be done quickly and discreetly before SIL could ever find out and cause problems.

Again,

 

[Wishing on a star]

But now SIL is talking about checking on signing her up for hospice!!! Hospice is for people who are terminal with no expectation of getting better. My MIL has a good chance of recovering from this and going back to the nursing home. I told DH that his sister has lost all rights to make health care decisions for their mother since her last episode.

OP,

I re-read your current situation....

'Checking on' hospice will do absolutely NOTHING....
It would take a physician, AND, possibly somebody with the legal rights, to accomplish that.

You say "she has lost all rights to make decisions...."
Unfortunately, she has the rights afforded her as a daughter... nothing more, nothing less.... You can't control that, UNLESS your husband or his aunt take measures to establish themselves as medical guardian, power of attorney, etc....

Again, you getting ugly with SIL will probably not accomplish anything, and will most likely make things a whole lot worse.
Really, it will only make you look 'ugly'.

 

[JessicaR]

How long has this been going on? This is your husbands mother right? Why hasnt he been to see her and make some decisions with his sibling(s)?

I feel bad for his Mom. I would find out officially who is in charge of making decisons regarding her health.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If the SIL is 8hrs away & MIL's sister is on top of her care, it sounds like you are stirring up trouble OP. Why would you need to get "ugly"?

 

[LuvLDM]

If the SIL is 8hrs away & MIL's sister is on top of her care, it sounds like you are stirring up trouble OP. Why would you need to get "ugly"?

Agreed.
Also, if you are 5hrs. away perhaps you are not in the best position to judge SIL's actions.