I love my husband, but.....

[phillmolly]

I wish he would quit treating me like his maid!!!!

Grrr, I got so ticked at him sometimes! At night I go up to bed with a clean kitchen, sink empty, dishwasher running, all the drawers and cabinets closed, and all the counters wiped off. I come down in the morning and the sink is full of dishes, cabinets open, drawers open and crumbs all over the floor and counter! I am SAHM so in his mind that equals to his maid! Before we had our son and we both worked full time he still did the same thing, but at least then I could yell at him about it, but now if I mention to him that it would be nice if he could clean up after himself, he always brings up the SAHM thing, that he works hard all day and the least I could do is clean up for him. Errrr, it is just so frustrating! I am picking up after a toddler all day, changing diapers, ect. He thinks I spend the whole day on the Dis eating bonbons, he never thinks about the how the clothes get washed and put away, dinner gets on the table, ect, ect, ect. I don't expect him to do anything around the house, I do understand that he works very hard, the only "chores" he has is to mow the lawn and take out garbage, but I would love it if he could at least pick up after himself. A few weeks ago he had a pudding pop in bed and the wrapper sat on his nightstand for two weeks! The only reason it finally got thrown away was because when we were taking out trash I asked him if he got all the trash from the bedroom! By the way there, is a trash can in our room, only it's on my side of the bed.

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[ols386]

Sounds like you work very hard! He probably does appreciate everything you do. Maybe he just doesn't express it verbally very much.

BTW, I was looking at your blog. Very nice.

 

[The Moonk's Mom]

Okay...I will be the stick in the mud here...I kinda do look at it as my job to run the house...ie...yep, I guess I am the maid. BUT..my DH will help out if I get behind due to school engagements or I am sick. He won't take care of me so much as making sure the house doesn't get trashed. Yep...it does feel a little like I am taken advatage of from time to time...mainly by my kids....but it is my job so I don't really worry about it too much. I also LOVE being a SAHM...best job I ever had! Heck...I wouldn't have his job for all the money in the world! Picking up stinky socks is a lot easier than what he does on a daily basis.

ETA...but feel free to vent...somedays that is what keeps us from going insane!!!

 

[wgwtgb]

I'm sorry that you feel like he does't appreciate you. I think we all feel that way at times!!! Hope your day gets better!!!

 

[mtemm]

there is a big difference between taking care of a house and having someone being too lazy or inconsiderate to close a drawer or a cabinet and leaving crumbs everywhere. that is crazy! and what would bother me is not just coming along after the daily hurricane, but the fact that my children would interpret that as normal/okay behavior would really bug. and honestly I would feel disrespected. it would also make me wonder if my dh was trying to send me a message and I would have a sit-down with him about it.

fwiw, I am a sahm. I take care of most of the household stuff. and even my 6 year olds know to close a door/drawer/etc after opening it.

 

[onelilspark]

There's a difference between taking care of a household and cleaning up after a grown man. He should be at least able to close the cabinets!

 

[punkin]

Okay...I will be the stick in the mud here...I kinda do look at it as my job to run the house...ie...yep, I guess I am the maid. BUT..my DH will help out if I get behind due to school engagements or I am sick. He won't take care of me so much as making sure the house doesn't get trashed. Yep...it does feel a little like I am taken advatage of from time to time...mainly by my kids....but it is my job so I don't really worry about it too much. I also LOVE being a SAHM...best job I ever had! Heck...I wouldn't have his job for all the money in the world! Picking up stinky socks is a lot easier than what he does on a daily basis.

ETA...but feel free to vent...somedays that is what keeps us from going insane!!!

Yes, I am the maid. Unfortunately. However, if I had a real maid, I would still clean up after myself. OP is not expecting her husband to deep clean the house. She just wants closed cabinet doors. I know that's all I want.

Also, how hard is it to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher that I have already cleaned out. Really, it's right next to the sink.

 

[sbell111]

I wish he would quit treating me like his maid!!!!

Grrr, I got so ticked at him sometimes! At night I go up to bed with a clean kitchen, sink empty, dishwasher running, all the drawers and cabinets closed, and all the counters wiped off. I come down in the morning and the sink is full of dishes, cabinets open, drawers open and crumbs all over the floor and counter!

How many dishes could he have possibly dirtied between the time that you went to bed and the time that you got up? I think that if you are expecting him to empty the dishwasher (assuming that it's cycle was complete) and refill it in the middle of the night then you are being unreasonable.

I would tell him that he needs to close drawers/cabinet doors and wipe up crumbs if he goes for a midnight snack.

I am SAHM so in his mind that equals to his maid! Before we had our son and we both worked full time he still did the same thing, but at least then I could yell at him about it, but now if I mention to him that it would be nice if he could clean up after himself, he always brings up the SAHM thing, that he works hard all day and the least I could do is clean up for him.

I think that this largely depends on what you mean by 'clean up after himself'. Again, wiping up some crumbs and putting dishes in the sink is one thing, but if he is of the mind that part of the agreement when you became a SAHM was that you would clean the house, it's reasonable for him not to expect to be cleaning the house.

Errrr, it is just so frustrating! I am picking up after a toddler all day, changing diapers, ect. He thinks I spend the whole day on the Dis eating bonbons, he never thinks about the how the clothes get washed and put away, dinner gets on the table, ect, ect, ect. I don't expect him to do anything around the house, I do understand that he works very hard, the only "chores" he has is to mow the lawn and take out garbage, but I would love it if he could at least pick up after himself.

Regarding the bolded bit, it kinda seams that you do want him to be doing more of the chores.

A few weeks ago he had a pudding pop in bed and the wrapper sat on his nightstand for two weeks! The only reason it finally got thrown away was because when we were taking out trash I asked him if he got all the trash from the bedroom! By the way there, is a trash can in our room, only it's on my side of the bed.

Thanks for letting me vent!

That's an easy one. Stop worrying about the condition of his nightstand. That bit of real estate belongs to him and it should be as junky as he wants it to be. (The same goes for his closet, if you have separate ones.)

 

[ccgirl]

Just had this same argument this morning! We both work full time. He gets home first. About 15 mins before me - I don't get home until 6pm. My mom runs a daycare in my house during the day. Yesterday I get home (everyone was at soccer) and the dog had gotten in the trash. Poopy diapers everywhere and mashed into my floors. Sink filled from daycare stuff. Dishwasher that had to be emptied. I end up staying up until midnight every night just so I can get done what I have to. What does he do??? SIts on the couch and watch t.v. Why??? Because he has been working all day...ummm...I thought that's where I was and longer than you! He told me I needed to sit down and relax. I really don't see how you can sit down and relax with everything that needs to be done. How does he expect the house to get clean and the lunches to be made? I then left in a huff to go get a bottle of wine so I can be prepared when the hurricane came. He must have gotten the hint becuase when I came home everything was spotless and vacuumed. I know how frustrating it can be. Make sure you take time to yourself. Even if it's just reading a book. That is part of why I stay up so late at night. I would go crazy if I didn't have alone time and the only time I can get it is very late at night.

 

[sbell111]

Also, how hard is it to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher that I have already cleaned out. Really, it's right next to the sink.

In the OP's scenario, the dishwasher was running. It wasn't empty awaiting dirty dishes to be put into it. I think that it is unreasonable to expect anyone to put away the dishes from the dishwasher in the middle of the night simply because they wanted a snack. No one is going to die if a few dirty dishes sit in the sink overnight.

 

[The Moonk's Mom]

Yes, I am the maid. Unfortunately. However, if I had a real maid, I would still clean up after myself. OP is not expecting her husband to deep clean the house. She just wants closed cabinet doors. I know that's all I want.

Also, how hard is it to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher that I have already cleaned out. Really, it's right next to the sink.

Actually...I prefer my DH not load the dishwasher...I only have to reload it when he is done! He tries to do it most of the time, but I always have to rearrange everything so I can get more in.

 

[punkin]

Actually...I prefer my DH not load the dishwasher...I only have to reload it when he is done! He tries to do it most of the time, but I always have to rearrange everything so I can get more in.

I am really not that picky.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Just had this same argument this morning! We both work full time. He gets home first. About 15 mins before me - I don't get home until 6pm. My mom runs a daycare in my house during the day. Yesterday I get home (everyone was at soccer) and the dog had gotten in the trash. Poopy diapers everywhere and mashed into my floors. Sink filled from daycare stuff. Dishwasher that had to be emptied. I end up staying up until midnight every night just so I can get done what I have to. What does he do??? SIts on the couch and watch t.v. Why??? Because he has been working all day...ummm...I thought that's where I was and longer than you! He told me I needed to sit down and relax. I really don't see how you can sit down and relax with everything that needs to be done. How does he expect the house to get clean and the lunches to be made? I then left in a huff to go get a bottle of wine so I can be prepared when the hurricane came. He must have gotten the hint becuase when I came home everything was spotless and vacuumed. I know how frustrating it can be. Make sure you take time to yourself. Even if it's just reading a book. That is part of why I stay up so late at night. I would go crazy if I didn't have alone time and the only time I can get it is very late at night.

other than not having the daycare in the house, I have the same problem as you. We both work; however, I do the cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc. Yes, I've tried to get him to do it, but he would rather it be a mess. I've tried leaving stuff out, but he doesn't care.

Can I be nosy and ask why you are expected to clean the daycare stuff when it's your mom doing it? Is it bc they are your kids?

 

[sbell111]

Just had this same argument this morning! We both work full time. He gets home first. About 15 mins before me - I don't get home until 6pm. My mom runs a daycare in my house during the day. Yesterday I get home (everyone was at soccer) and the dog had gotten in the trash. Poopy diapers everywhere and mashed into my floors. Sink filled from daycare stuff. Dishwasher that had to be emptied. I end up staying up until midnight every night just so I can get done what I have to. What does he do??? SIts on the couch and watch t.v. Why??? Because he has been working all day...ummm...I thought that's where I was and longer than you! He told me I needed to sit down and relax. I really don't see how you can sit down and relax with everything that needs to be done. How does he expect the house to get clean and the lunches to be made? I then left in a huff to go get a bottle of wine so I can be prepared when the hurricane came. He must have gotten the hint becuase when I came home everything was spotless and vacuumed. I know how frustrating it can be. Make sure you take time to yourself. Even if it's just reading a book. That is part of why I stay up so late at night. I would go crazy if I didn't have alone time and the only time I can get it is very late at night.

Are you really upset that your husband didn't clean the house in the 15 minutes that he had prior to your arriving home?

Further, why should he have to clean up after your mother? Since she is running a business out of your home, she should be cleaning up after it.

Finally, it's not like he was sitting on his duff while he expected you to get cleaning. Instead, he suggested that you sit down with him and relax a bit.

I'm not seeing the problem here (or the urgency to go get wine).

(Edited to add that it might be a good idea to institute a rule that poopy diapers not be put in the regular trash in the future.)

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree!!!!
There is a big difference between 'the woman takes care of the home' and 'you are my personal maid'....

My DH grew up with his parents... where his mother, the quintessential 1950's 'breast-feed my husband and change his diapers' mentality...

I fully believe that he, subconciensly, feels that this is a woman's obligation, and that SINCE HE HAS CERTAIN BODY PARTS, THIS IS JUST SOMETHING THAT HE IS ALMOST ENTITLED TOO.

Now, he doesn't leave huge messes...
So, in that regard, it really isn't that bad.
But, this is a man who has never boiled water, cleaned a toilet/shower/floor, taken care of a child's needs, or anything else....
He has NO freakin' clue.
He doesn't even know how to show appreciation and love for all that I have given and done. he doesn't even see it. (classic male neurological narcissism)



I can tell you that if he actually, verbally, said, that it was my job to clean up his messes, I would NOT be here....
That does not sound like a respectful 'healthy' relationship.

 

[phillmolly]

In the OP's scenario, the dishwasher was running. It wasn't empty awaiting dirty dishes to be put into it. I think that it is unreasonable to expect anyone to put away the dishes from the dishwasher in the middle of the night simply because they wanted a snack. No one is going to die if a few dirty dishes sit in the sink overnight.

No, I don't expect for him to empty the dishwasher, but I would like it if he would rinse his dishes off! He wakes up every morning, has a bowl of ceral and makes his lunch, and then puts it all in the sink. Then I have to scrape off all the dried up ceral and milk. It would only take him a second to rinse out the bowl!

 

[phillmolly]

ETA...but feel free to vent...somedays that is what keeps us from going insane!!![/QUOTE]

Thank you!!!! So true!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG!!!!

My husband used to be the exact same way!!!!
Not even a courtesy rinse-n-hold....
(I did finally put a stop to that!)

I'm not talking about just a cereal bowl either.
He eats very healthy, and he makes a big bowl of oatmeal with protein powder and flax-seed....
I am talking some serious nasty dried up slimey super-glue.
Not just some milk.....

Lovely to get up, every day, to a kitchen full of disgusting wet, greasy, dried up, dishes.

Sometimes, men just don't get it.

 

[lustergirl]

Okay...I will be the stick in the mud here...I kinda do look at it as my job to run the house...ie...yep, I guess I am the maid. BUT..my DH will help out if I get behind due to school engagements or I am sick. He won't take care of me so much as making sure the house doesn't get trashed. Yep...it does feel a little like I am taken advatage of from time to time...mainly by my kids....but it is my job so I don't really worry about it too much. I also LOVE being a SAHM...best job I ever had! Heck...I wouldn't have his job for all the money in the world! Picking up stinky socks is a lot easier than what he does on a daily basis.

ETA...but feel free to vent...somedays that is what keeps us from going insane!!!

Sorry but the stone ages are over. Like others have posted it is one thing to be a sahm and take care of the house but it is another to be taken advantage of because one is too lazy to pick up after themselves

 

[mhsjax]

How many dishes could he have possibly dirtied between the time that you went to bed and the time that you got up? I think that if you are expecting him to empty the dishwasher (assuming that it's cycle was complete) and refill it in the middle of the night then you are being unreasonable.

I would tell him that he needs to close drawers/cabinet doors and wipe up crumbs if he goes for a midnight snack.I think that this largely depends on what you mean by 'clean up after himself'. Again, wiping up some crumbs and putting dishes in the sink is one thing, but if he is of the mind that part of the agreement when you became a SAHM was that you would clean the house, it's reasonable for him not to expect to be cleaning the house.Regarding the bolded bit, it kinda seams that you do want him to be doing more of the chores.That's an easy one. Stop worrying about the condition of his nightstand. That bit of real estate belongs to him and it should be as junky as he wants it to be. (The same goes for his closet, if you have separate ones.)

Easier said than done. I live in Florida. Sticky stuff and food particles attract bugs. I won't have bugs in my home just so I can ignore trash on his part of the room. But then again, hubby is neater than I am, so I don't have to worry about it.