I hate the holidays !

[juligrl]

If I read one more post like this I will scream. Does being an adult mean being a doormat? Because that is what a whole lot of people here seem to expect the OP to be. She HAS been flexible over and over and she has (rightfully) reached the point where she is saying "enough!".

-all along she has been willing to alternate holidays with the in-laws so they can each have their "own" holidays.

-then this year on a Christmas year that is "hers" she makes things easier for her pregnant DIL by being the one willing to travel.

-Then the in-laws decide to horn in on her year. So OP changes the dates of her trip so she can have as much time with them alone.

-THEN the in-laws change their plans AGAIN and decide to make it so the trips almost completely overlap.

On what planet is the OP NOT BEING FLEXIBLE????? She has done everything reasonably possible to have a nice holiday with her son and DIL but the in-laws are bound and determined to get in the middle of it no matter what. I would LOVE to have a few words with your son's clueless and/or manipulative in-laws.

OP -- I do not blame you one bit for not wanting them there. I do not subscribe to the more-the-merrier idea at all. Even if they were nice people, It doesn't matter. Every holiday I spend with my in-laws ends up including a whole lot of people that I am not even related to and it feels very little like Christmas at all.

OP I am sorry you are being treated this way.

Nowhere did I suggest laying down and taking abuse - being a doormat. Dealing with people and realizing that nobody (especially door-slamming, whining, crying, must-have-their-way adults) is perfect and you may occassionally be put in a position to have to deal with them for a while is what I call being an adult. Being flexible is being willing to tolerate the nutcases for limited times in life!

OP - I think getting a hotel room is a great idea - it sounds like you'll need a place to escape from lunacy. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of other issues with the in-laws . Instead of looking at them as ruining your Christmas by barging in, maybe you could look at them as a free side show that comes with your son and DIL. Good luck to you and I hope your Christmas doesn't turn out to be nearly as bad as you're thinking it might. Please keep us posted - some of us can totally relate to crazy extended family antics!

 

[TwinsinCA]

Nowhere did I suggest laying down and taking abuse - being a doormat.

You said she should be an "adult" and be flexible and I mentioned how she has BEEN flexible over and over again. There comes a point where being flexible = being a doormat. I believe she has reached that point. Obviously you do not agree.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I think a big part of the problem is that DIL's parents are treating OP like crap and DIL and DS are allowing it. They are giving all the power to DIL's parents -- they decide when they will visit, regardless of other plans, they decide when grandparent names must be picked, they decide OP is NOT allowed to come to the hospital or visit for two weeks. I can't blame OP for telling them all to go to hell. I don't think she's chosing one son over another; rather, it seems that DS and DIL have chosen one set of parents over the other. Can you really tell me any of you would be comfortable with your in-law's parents telling you you're not allowed to see a new grandchild?

 

[Planogirl]

This situation sounds way too tense. I would try to talk to the son and DIL but not now during the holidays when a baby is coming. Too much tension.

But the talk needs to happen IMO. Only then would I make a decision.

I feel for you OP. This all sounds very frustrating.

 

[Mkrop]

Gee, thank you, C. Ann for making me feel like virtual [EDITED for word filter] .

No, I really don't care any more. HER mom has told me that I am not to come to the hospital and that she will be with her daughter. SHE wants to bond with the baby.

Fine. I don't need to be a part of this if that's how they feel. I have another son who loves me and that's enough.I'm just so tired of being hurt. I don't make waves, so I'm always the one who is stepped on. Well, no more. I'm done.

Edie

Did you talk to the son and DIL and find out what THEY want? Do they want you at the hospital, if so this woman can go pound sand. I would never turn my ILs away and they did come to the hospital to see their grandson but then went home (2 hours away) and then came back later. I just "preferred" my own mom when it came time to be "taken care of" during that first week home.

I HOPE the part bolded is just the frustration and sadness talking Edie, bc if not you need to snap out of it (and yes I may come off as blunt here) but please reread that statement. You are willing to throw away your realtionship with your son and new grandbaby bc of these people, cmon. That isnt fair to anyone involved. Who are you hurting by this, you, your son, you DIL and that baby!!!! You are/will create drama yourself if your attitude is to write one son off and focus on the other son. You may think you arent creating drama by butting out by really you are being passive aggressive.

And who's to say who that son is going to marry? That one may have a dramatic family all around too.

This is not to make you feel like crap but to wake you up to yes be disappointed that your Christmas plans got screwed but for the rest go with the flow, dont do this to you and all of them.

 

[SHAYMARAYSMOM]

Gee, thank you, C. Ann for making me feel like virtual [EDITED for word filter] .

No, I really don't care any more. HER mom has told me that I am not to come to the hospital and that she will be with her daughter. SHE wants to bond with the baby.
Fine. I don't need to be a part of this if that's how they feel. I have another son who loves me and that's enough.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. I don't make waves, so I'm always the one who is stepped on. Well, no more. I'm done.

Edie

I highlighted the part I am wondering about.
You are saying her mother told you this. Have you asked your son about this? Call him at work if you need to and ask him. If I was you I would not allow her mother to tell you want you can and can not do.
I hope the part of you saying you are done is saying you are done allowing her mother to do this.
Maybe your DIL and son have no idea that these remarks are being said. So if would say to talk to your son. It is the only way to fix it.
But to allow this women to tell you how and how not you will be involed in your grandchilds life is a little over the top.
You need to deal with them not her mother. Because in the long run the one that suffers will be the baby.
It is not fair to punish the baby.

 

[Loverly]

Your choice of words - "this trip is just gravy" and "it's not that I dislike them" don't seem to jive at all.. It sounds as though you are very resentful and very jealous of them.. If you allow that to continue, it's going to eat you alive - and you are going to miss out on many, many happy occasions in the future with your DS, DIL, and your new grandbaby..

]

Gee C.Ann.in an earlier post, it seems as if you really resent your DD's InLaws too?


C.Ann

I live with DD, her DH, and my DGD during the winter months and DD's IL's are here every single day (FIL from 6am until 8:15am) and then the two of them are back together every single afternoon/evening.. Obviously there is never a holiday/birthday/report card day/ or any other "event" when they aren't here - but what are ya gonna do? Grab a few "alone" minutes" whenever you can

 

[Lionqueen2]

My points were aimed at wall*e2008 who felt the need to personally attack me.

I'm sorry you took it otherwise. I AM grateful for all of the perspective that has been given here. And yes, I will be going, but I have booked a hotel room -- that will give me a break from the drama.

Edie

My heart goes out to you. It is difficult to live away from your children and it makes the time you have with them all that more precious. The situation you are in is not ideal, but I would go along with it and, above all, would not book a hotel room. Spend your time with your son and DIL even if the ILs are there. Don't leave for their sake. Let them work around you. I would just go, stay at my son and DIL's home, ignore MIL's comments, be pleasant, smile, and have a good holiday.

 

[castleview]

Edie, I do hope you keep us updated. If DMIL is saying all this stuff to you, you should have a talk with your son - they are probably not aware. My MIL has three sons and her advice is "hang loose".

 

[N&B'smom]

No, I really don't care any more. HER mom has told me that I am not to come to the hospital and that she will be with her daughter. SHE wants to bond with the baby.

Fine. I don't need to be a part of this if that's how they feel. I have another son who loves me and that's enough.

I'm unclear if your problem is just your MIL or perhaps your DS as well. You said you have another son that loves you and that's enough. Are you implying that your son doesn't love you??

Whatever happens I hope it exceeds your expectations! Why don't you make plans to take your son out to lunch or something while you're there. Then the other MIL will be with her DD and you can be with your DS?

Shelby

 

[C.Ann]

Gee C.Ann.in an earlier post, it seems as if you really resent your DD's InLaws too?


C.Ann

I live with DD, her DH, and my DGD during the winter months and DD's IL's are here every single day (FIL from 6am until 8:15am) and then the two of them are back together every single afternoon/evening.. Obviously there is never a holiday/birthday/report card day/ or any other "event" when they aren't here - but what are ya gonna do? Grab a few "alone" minutes" whenever you can

---------------------------

I'm not sure how you can construe that as "resentment".. I pointed out that they are here all the time and rather than make a big fuss about it and destroy the relationship I have with my DD, her DH, and my DGD, I choose to make the best of it.. You honestly can't see the difference in the two situations? Wow!

I'm not the OP - stomping my feet - making demands - refusing to celebrate Christmas with them - refusing to have a relationship with my grandchild - and tossing one child aside for "another one who still loves me"..

Maybe you should go back and read the entire thread.. And if you're going to "quote me" - how about quoting my entire post - including the "wink" and the "good vibrations smilie" at the end - indicating that I choose to make the best of it rather than throw a hissy fit..

 

[C.Ann]

As my 90 year old mom would say, "A half a loaf is better than none.."

I live with DD, her DH, and my DGD during the winter months and DD's IL's are here every single day (FIL from 6am until 8:15am) and then the two of them are back together every single afternoon/evening.. Obviously there is never a holiday/birthday/report card day/ or any other "event" when they aren't here - but what are ya gonna do? Grab a few "alone" minutes" whenever you can..

I can understand you're wishing you could have some "alone" time with your DS and DIL, but would you honestly feel better (happier) if you didn't see them at all? I don't think so..

Make the trip and make the best out of the time - no matter how little - that you have them to yourself..

-------------------------

There you go, Loverly..

Takes on a whole different meaning in it's entirety, doesn't it?

 

[wall*e2008]

-------------------------

What the heck? I was NOT trying to make you feel like----.. I was trying to help you see that there is another way to handle this without removing yourself from your DS's life.. If you choose to toss one son to the side in favor of another, that's your cross to bear.. Many people have offered support and advice - trying to point out ways that you can still be a part of this son's life and part of your grandchilds life (and in the process find some happiness to boot) - but you don't seem to be interested in that.. Yes - I do think it's sad - very sad - however, that does NOT constitute making you feel like ----.. If that's all you got out of what I said, there's no point in trying to help you see what could be a happy resolution because your mind is already made up and no one is going to change it..

So the OP is willing to throw away DS#1, DDIL and new baby just to be right. She has a spare so all is good. What will the OP do if DS#2 marries and the new ILs do the same thing. Throw him away. Wait she is now out of sons.

It is much better to try and work this out now so that the OP has all in her life. The more the merrier.

 

[momto3kids]

I just wanted to send a to you EdieinPa.

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be fore you to have to share every moment with your DIL's parents. My parents and my inlaws get along fine and we do Thansgiving at our house as oue big family but other times it's his family or mine.

It sounds like your DIl's mom is a real piece of work if she's telling you when you can see the baby, changing plans to be there when you are, etc. Maybe since you're the normal one your DS and DIL find it easier to let you bend than fight with her parents.

I think your solution of going but staying in a hotel are a good one - if you don't visit you look bad but this way you make it clear that you this is not an ideal arrangement and hopefully your DS and DIl don't let it happen again.

As for the grandbaby - the baby doesn't belong to her parents. DOn't just lay down and let DIL's mother walk over you and take away your grandchild. When she says things like "you can't come to the hospital", etc. just say you'll be making your plans with your DS and DIL and leave it at that.

If you won't do this for you, do this for your son and his baby - you obvisouly love them all and are rightfully hurt but remember that your DS wants you in his life and his child's life.

And as for the saying about a son is a son until his married - that's just bull. My DH's parents are great and I love them dearly. I treat them as well as I do my own parents. My MIL came with me and my mom to choose my wedding dress, came to the hospital to see the babies as soon as my mom did, etc. YOu are not a second class citizen and it doesn't sound like your DIL is the problem but rather her parents.

Keep being the same loving mom and soon grandma- you'll win in the end when DS and DIL get sick of her parents dramatics.

 

[N&B'smom]

Just wondering how everything went!! I really hope you had a WONDERFUL time with everyone at your son and DIL's house.

Shelby