I hate the holidays !

[akhenaten]

Yes, it stinks that you don't get the one on one that you deserve as the mom. But maybe the holidays isn't the best time to be looking for it either.

Setting up a time AFTER the holidays that you can spend exclusive time with your son and his family would be a nice gesture and something that might be easier for EVERYONE to accomadate.

That is the best advice....
we do not even get together with my DH family at christmas, because they were so rigid about when, where and how the holiday should be spent!!

and since the holidays are the only time they ever get together ... we rarely see them...

 

[Todd&Copper]

You should commiserate with this DISer, since your holiday plans sound similarly ruined:

EdiePA

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1983513


Maybe you two can compare notes. Or, at least, you know you are not alone.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think it is unreasonable that you think "you" deserve "time alone".

He is married and you are going to have to work it out.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I think it is unreasonable that you think "you" deserve "time alone".

He is married and you are going to have to work it out.

You should rephrase..

She does deserve time alone with her son at some point. But asking for it during the holidays..is not appropriate. I agree

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You should rephrase..

She does deserve time alone with her son at some point. But asking for it during the holidays..is not appropriate. I agree

Good point.

Holidays are crazy and to try to micro-managed them is next to impossible.

 

[HsvTeacher]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure it's equally stressful for your DS and DIL. My DH and I are in a similar situtation.

Every year, we spend Thanksgiving in Texas with my FIL and step-MIL, Christmas Eve with my family in Alabama, and Christmas Day in Connecticut with my MIL. We have these crazy holiday plans to keep everyone happy. Sometimes my DH and I end up being the most stressed out about it.

A few years ago, my DH's side of the family tried to celebrate Christmas together, and it was a nightmare! My MIL resented that my FIL was "taking over" Christmas. It ended in a bad argument, hurt feelings, a ruined holiday, and a vow to never spend Christmas together again. Unfortuately, the grandkids were the ones who suffered the most.

As hard as it may be, try to be the bigger person and enjoy your holidays together. If it becomes too stressful, your DS and DIL may decide to skip family holiday functions altogether.

 

[luvpooh]

You should commiserate with this DISer, since your holiday plans sound similarly ruined:

EdiePA

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1983513


Maybe you two can compare notes. Or, at least, you know you are not alone.

:scratches head: this sounds like almost the same exact story word for word!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

THIS IS THE SAME STORY FROM ANOTHER POSTER...???

lUCY..YOU got some SPLAININ' TO do!!

 

[Lionqueen2]

can you imagine how hard it is on your DS and his pregnant wife? to have people upset when they are trying to share themselves with all of you? and the stress on his wife in her condition?

It stinks always being the bigger person, I know. Do it for your son. he knows what you are giving up. Maybe you can sneak in a trip when the baby comes and give them a helping hand....just don't be to hard on them..and don't give up your Christmas with them..that will hurt your son. Just show up , with a hug and a kiss and make the best of it..and if you really want to go shopping alone with him just tell them...or sneak out...
Good luck.

This is great advice. It sounds like the ILs cause stress for your son and DIL with all the drama. Try not to be that kind of mother/MIL. Smile and be pleasant. Make the best of it. Your son and DIL will love you for it and you will always be welcome in their home.
For one-on-one time, I would try another time of the year for a few days or a long weekend. The holidays do seem too busy to expect that from anyone.

 

[wall*e2008]

I'm confused as to how they coming means one less day with your son?

I don't know the history. But on face value this situation doesn't seem very dire.
What is the visit about? It always hurts me when people are sad during the holidays. Personally I would suck it up and go and have fun. But that's me and I'd want to spend the holiday together rather than be a home alone feeling sorry for myself.

ITA

It seems that is it all about the OP. I want DS1's full attention and I will not share. The OP is setting herself up for many years of hurt with that attitude.

I love to get together over the holidays.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What's the old saying: a son is a son till he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life.

I am not picking in you but I HATE this saying! It is such bull!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is great advice. It sounds like the ILs cause stress for your son and DIL with all the drama. Try not to be that kind of mother/MIL. Smile and be pleasant. Make the best of it. Your son and DIL will love you for it and you will always be welcome in their home.
For one-on-one time, I would try another time of the year for a few days or a long weekend. The holidays do seem too busy to expect that from anyone.

Right.

I really feel for the son.

 

[Doesney]

I dunno, I think Christmas is about family and festivities and fun, not having alone time. Maybe it's just me, but we have an open door policy especially around the holidays. The more the merrier.

The OP better start preparing for lots of disappointments with the grandchild.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I dunno, I think Christmas is about family and festivities and fun, not having alone time. Maybe it's just me, but we have an open door policy especially around the holidays. The more the merrier.

Oh and knock a few Cosmos back if it gets too stressful. Had 3 at the last party and had a great time.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Dear OP,

First of all:

As a mom to 2 sons, one of whom is grown, married, and dad to my 2 grandkids, I understand your feelings completely!

You miss the days when you had "alone time" with your oldest DS. The reality though, is everything is so hectic when you're younger. You have to work, you have your immediate family you want to spend time with. Somehow, as moms of sons, we sometimes feel left out. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you it's just that things are crazy! I cut my son some slack. I know his top priorty has to be his own family. But give your oldest DS a call before you go there for the holidays and ask him if the two of you can do something together, just the two of you for just a short while.

TC

 

[Mouse House Mama]

A little bit of advice for the OP. Take it if you want or leave it but please don't be one of those people who track every single minute everyone else gets to spend with them and then whip out your book to tell them that you "deserve" more time because whoever had more. It will not make your visits something that they look foward to. It will become an obligation to them. I also think that expecting tons of "alone" time with them at Christmas is a bit selfish. Even if they spent 364 days this year with her family. Maybe she wants to see her own family. Maybe she loves you and all but you are not her Mom. Maybe you see her family as dramatic and whacky because they are not what you are used to. Maybe they find your dimeanor odd. Who knows? I think from what you posted (twice about this problem) that you are not being reasonable and expect them to bend over for you. Visit any other time of the year and plan to do things with just them if you want. Visit at Christmas and accept that they might want to see other people besides you. Good luck.

 

[kpm76]

I'm really sorry you are disappointed, but the holidays are an unreasonable time to expect alone time with your married children. Yes, you deserve one on one time but not at Christmas. My DH's parents are divorced so we have three families we have to split ourselves among. We have an 18 month old DD and DH's family lives out of state. We decided we are not traveling all over creation anymore. Next year, we will host Christmas Eve and anyone and everyone will be welcome. We will have Christmas dinner with my parents and siblings because they live 10 minutes away and we can be home quickly when DD has had enough. I try to be the best DIL I can be and am very flexible throughout the year, but I have to be vocal when it comes to the holidays.....once children are involved, it becomes more about their needs than the needs of adults.

 

[lil mermaid]

Speaking as a DIL who has been in this situation, the best thing for you to do would be to suck it up and go see them on Christmas. THEY are the ones that are in the tight spot - they are trying to please everyone. Don't be the MIL that makes things difficult - don't pull the "my way or the highway" routine.

There is nothing in your post to suggest that you have anything but a good relationship with your DS and DDIL - I just want you to keep at that way and I hope what I say doesn't sound mean. It isn't meant to be. I know that you feel sad.

If you want "alone time" with them, why don't you go and visit them at another, non-holiday time? You could have a nice visit with them and it would be less stressful. I agree with the others here who say that it is a bit unreasonable to want "alone" time during the holidays.

 

[disykat]

I'm on your side, OP!

You had made your plans around your DIL's family and then they changed their plans to coincide with yours. I'd be irritated too.

I would rather be on my own as well. If your DIL and her family refuse to let you do his side/ her side holidays, I'd resign yourself to either doing holidays at a different time or taking yourself totally out of their holiday equation.

Your son is stuck with them as relatives now, but you aren't.

My parents and my inlaws don't get along very well. Everyone sucks it up for joint family occasions like my kid's birthdays etc. no problem. However, I would NEVER be selfish enough to expect them to spend holidays together to make it easier on me. We either skip spending the holidays together, alternate families, or celebrate on alternate days.

I'm guessing, since they specifically changed their plans to be there when you are there, that this won't be just a holiday issue. THEY want it to be a joint occasion and want to be there at the same time you are. Hopefully your son and DIL will be willing to travel to see you at times, because I have a feeling that everytime you go to their house DIL's parents will decide to show up too.

While it might not always happen on holidays, it is not unreasonable to want to be able to visit your child at least once a year without his inlaws present.

 

[arminnie]

Enjoy all the time you do have with them instead of tracking who else gets what time.

If you want to see them over Christmas I would go and not worry about what anyone else is doing or whose time it is.

don't be one of those people who track every single minute everyone else gets to spend with them and then whip out your book to tell them that you "deserve" more time because whoever had more.

Don't be the MIL that makes things difficult - don't pull the "my way or the highway" routine.

I agree with the others here who say that it is a bit unreasonable to want "alone" time during the holidays.

Great advice for not becoming the MIL from the black lagoon.