I hate Dirty Santa at family Christmas, and family rant

[Inigo]

I hate buying a present for the Dirty Santa exchange at my MIL's house. I'd rather buy a specific present for a specific person instead of buying whatever for whoever. The range in ages and personalities is just so great that there is no way of getting a present that would work for more than one or two people. I just feel like I'm wasting money on 4 presents that no one is really going to like since we're not supposed to buy for anyone in particular. The rule is to buy something that anyone could use.

I'm almost at the point of just buying gift cards to Target for the Dirty Santa. I guess I could just buy a gift that would be perfect for a certain person, and hope that person gets the gift. Jeff likes the Colts, so I'll buy a Colts sweatshirt and hope he gets it.

If we don't draw names, I'd rather just not do gifts at all. Why can't we just have a day together? Why do we have to do gifts at all? My kids are the youngest grandchildren at 17 and 21, and there are two great-grandkids at 1 and 4. We could just buy the two little ones presents, and let the adults go without. We all have our own X-mas gift exchanges with our nuclear families, so no one would be left out and get no gifts.

Anyone else tired of dirty Santa?

Now for work, I love the Dirty Santa exchange. We're allowed to be silly and have to keep it under $10. Cheaper and funnier is best. Last year, one of the most popular presents was a framed picture of one of the other officers dressed a pirate. (Yeah, he gave a picture of himself.) I got a natural pregnancy planning kit that the officer got from his wife who volunteers at the Crisis Pregnancy Center. (I am not in need of this gift, but it was so funny. I did appreciate the massager thingy in the kit.) It's a hoot, and we have so much fun.

Now for my rant: I know why the whole thing about the family dirty santa is ticking me off this year. It's in the second paragraph.

DH, the kids, and I always spend X-mas day with his mom. We did the same thing before his dad died. No one else wants to have to leave their homes on the 25th, so the family X-mas is either the Saturday before or after. I'd rather stay at home with my kids on X-mas too, but we don't. Even when we lived over 2 hours away, we'd pack up and head down there right after breakfast on X-mas. I'm tired of his selfish sister and brother.

MIL has alzheimer's, and can't stay on her own anymore. DH spends Thursday night through Sunday there every weekend. His sister and brother split the rest of the time. Both SIL and BIL are retired since they are 9 and 14 years older than he is, so they have several off days each and every week when they can be with their families and can do things to relax.

DH works Monday-Thursday (taking Friday as a FMLA day to be with his mom) gets to be at his mom's Thursday night through Sunday evening. He gets no down time. She's not at the point of needing a nursing home yet, and anyway, SIL refuses to even consider it. After all, they're all able to take care of MIL at home with no problems. *Y&&^^%& Yeah, no problem except DH has no life.

My adult niece just got laid off, so she'll be able to travel down some to cover some of the time. I just hope she doesn't feel that she has to cover weekdays to help her daddy and aunt out, and will be willing to do at least part of the time DH is currently covering. I think she'll take some of the burden off my DH because she's a really good person and she's let me vent to her some about the whole MIL situation.

Oh well, when she dies, we'll know we (DH, the kids, and I) have done what we could for her.

 

[KGH]

We do one, instead of a "dirty santa" that is called the "WackyTacky Gift swap." You spend no more than 5 dollars, and try to get the wackiest most useless gift you can find. We just did this, some of the gifts were: a potty seat (none of us have children) a sinkdrain cover, a fast-food toy, a half-roll of paper towels, and bag of packing peanuts. It's more fun this way, because you don;t have to worry about finding something everyone will like... instead, you get someone NO ONE will like... you end up spending alot less money, and having alot of fun watching each person open their bizarre gift and laughing about it!

 

[dvcnewgirl]

I can see why you are frustrated. I hope your holidays get better.

 

[Maggimus]

As far as deciding a gift for dirty santa-- i wuold think of a gift that would suit one or two people in the crowd.... its likely no one else will do what you are doing and then ofcourse they will choose that gift

Or... if you always end up with a crappy gift at the end of the night, make sure you bring something that you would like yourself- so if theres nothing to choose from, you can take home what you brought!

As far as MIL- I know that must be hard and draining. I see your SIL's views about keeping her out of a nursing home as much as possible. Maybe you could consider an Assisted Living. They do have an alzheimers unit in most of them where they get extra care, meals, etc-- and they can bring their own furniture. Its an apartment-- and nothing at all like a nursing home. I know this has to be hard on your husband as well... emotionally draining especially seeing his mom like this and him having to miss so much family time at home. Hugs to all of you...

 

[southernbelle5672]

I HATE playing dirty santa at our family party. It is the worst. We have to buy $25 gifts and no one ends up with anything they like. It's the most ridiculous waste of money.

 

[chrissyd1]

I am sure this is too late of an idea for this year - but maybe someone can do it next year.

My family is now doing a $25 gift card exchange. Everyone brings $25 gift card and we play rob your neighbor.

- Everyone puts their name in the bowl. Then the first name is picked. That person chooses a wrapped gift card and opens it. Then they pick out the next name. - Then that person can pick out a wrapped card or choose to steal the open gift card from the first person. If the opened gift card is chosen - then the other person picks out a new wrapped card - and if it was later in the game - they could steal an opened card from another person.

It is a lot of fun to watch the guys keep stealing bass po shops or sears from each other.

 

[disykat]

I wouldn't want to do any kind of a gift exchange if I felt like I was being taken advantage of by the people participating.

Back to dirty Santa. Can you steal back gifts? I used to participate in a swap where no one knew who brought what. I admit I usually brought something I liked and some years I've stolen it right back during the stealing portion of the game. I have no idea if others did the same thing or not, but I felt no guilt about it whatsoever!

 

[Maggimus]

As far as deciding a gift for dirty santa-- i wuold think of a gift that would suit one or two people in the crowd.... its likely no one else will do what you are doing and then ofcourse they will choose that gift

Or... if you always end up with a crappy gift at the end of the night, make sure you bring something that you would like yourself- so if theres nothing to choose from, you can take home what you brought!

As far as MIL- I know that must be hard and draining. I see your SIL's views about keeping her out of a nursing home as much as possible. Maybe you could consider an Assisted Living. They do have an alzheimers unit in most of them where they get extra care, meals, etc-- and they can bring their own furniture. Its an apartment-- and nothing at all like a nursing home. I know this has to be hard on your husband as well... emotionally draining especially seeing his mom like this and him having to miss so much family time at home. Hugs to all of you...

I wouldn't want to do any kind of a gift exchange if I felt like I was being taken advantage of by the people participating.

Back to dirty Santa. Can you steal back gifts? I used to participate in a swap where no one knew who brought what. I admit I usually brought something I liked and some years I've stolen it right back during the stealing portion of the game. I have no idea if others did the same thing or not, but I felt no guilt about it whatsoever!

thats what im talking about. We always do 2 rounds of stealing it back and i always take something i like so i can try and steal it back if i dont like anything else brought!

 

[eeyorethegreat]

Sounds like it is time for a serious family Pow Wow. Unless Your Dh sis is willing to take mother into her own home to keep her out of a nursing home, I think that at least an assisted living arrangement needs to be seriously discussed. There are also options for hiring in home certified care. I am sure that your Dh loves his Mom very very much but he has to be able to balance his loyalty to her to the needs of his own family. If he has to spend that many days away from home to care for her it sounds like it very well may be to the point of an assisted living arrangement. There, she could have her medical needs taken care of assured that her physical needs are taken care of and there would also be people around that she could enjoy the company of (other residents), as he conditions warrants she could be moved to another area of the facility that deals with more acute needs. All your mother in law's children could visit her frequently as well as other family members and probably enjoy their time with her more knowing that she is being well cared for yet still having an amount of independence and your Dh could have less stress feeling torn between his mother and his own family. I am sure that alone isn't good for his health (not saying he has health issues but people under a lot of stress tend to have increased health issues).

I hope you can find some pleasure and joy in this season and are able to sit Dh down at some point and encourage him to talk with his sibs about what really may be best for Mom.

 

[nikkistevej]

ITA with everyone- I don't like like the Dirty Santa with DH's family- but it's OK at work. We are not even "allowed" to do a gift card- so that means it's even worse gifts. DH's family likes tacky crazy stuff and definately not my taste. DH isn't even doing it this year individually- but I feel bad, so I am. We do $25- so I bought 2 really nice frames from Kohl's- one says Family(and has room for 1 picture, the other matches and says Live, Laugh, Love(room for 2 pictures). I figured everyone has 3 pictures to put in frames. They're really pretty- and I'm gonna try and get them. LOLOLOLOL

 

[MinnieForMe]

I second suggesting a crazy Santa swap keeping the price under $5.00. My friends and I did this and it was so much fun. Hemorrhoid cream won the number one gift for the year! LOL!

 

[prncess674]

Take a deep breath and STOP BUYING!!!! If you don't enjoy it, then stop doing it. It is hard the first year, but stop doing something that brings you heartburn. Play with the kiddos not included in the Dirty Santa exchange. At the end of the day no will really care or notice that you didn't participate in the activity!

 

[Coll0610]

DH's family does a food grab for the adults. We raised the limit from $5 to $7 this year, and also said that the food has to be something that doesn't require cooking (MIL likes to bring things like rice and oatmeal )

My family does an exchange each year with some unique rules. One year, it was something that begins with the same letter as your first name. Another year it was a gift card from someplace that everyone seems to like but you hate (there were 3 Starbucks in that one - we are NOT coffee drinkers in my family). We draw numbers and do the stealing thing, and then at the end we all try to guess who brought what. This works well because some years we have last minute guests, and they can participate too.

So maybe if you change the rules a little, it would be more fun for everyone.

 

[DVCBELLE]

Why don't you go to target and buy an item in the price range you are supposed to spend. Tape the gift receipt to the gift and then whoever gets it can return it for something they really want if they don't like it.

 

[tiggerlvr]

We have done these over the years, although we call them Yankee swaps! the one at work we used to just bring something from home we no longer wanted or needed, we did not buy anything, well let me tell you this was hysterical, some of the things people brought!! We had so much fun, people at other tables in the place we had the party wanted to join ours as we were having so much fun!
Also today we did something very different, my 20 year old daughter has a new boyfriend for awhile now, and they have a tradition that they do. It includes her boyfriends immediate family spouses, kids, and the spouses immediate family which we were invited since we are considered almost family! Anyway instead of gifts they have a family Christmas day, we went to a place called your fired where we made whatever piece you chose and painted it and then will pick it up next week once it's fired, then we left there and went to lunch, in the meantime we also had to do a scavenger hunt, like find someone who was named Dave, so my daughters boyfriend stood up in the resteraunt and says can I have your attention please is there anyone here named Dave? Sure enough we found a Dave, well we gave him a Christmas jingle bell and wished him a merry Christmas, we had to find several different things and give people these bells, the people we gave them to were surprised and happy to see a family having so much fun, after that we went to the mall and had our picture taken with Santa all 12 of us! Unfortunately he was a very grouchy santa! On the way we were all in a single file line and singing Christmas Carols it was so much fun! We left the mall went to the City parade that one of the kids was in, it was fun, and she was so happy we were all cheering for her! She is 8! Once the parade was done we went for a quick bite at Burger king, then off to this place that is a big farm, and they have hay rides thru this winter wonderland, all lit up with lights and different displays, you see Frosty, The gingerbread man and such, it is beautiful, of course we were singing Christmas Carols the whole time, and let me just say we are not quiet!! Once the ride was done they let you off to see Mrs. Claus and Santa, a very nice Santa!! He is in the barn with reindeer!! Someone was nice enough to take a pic of all of us with Mr. and Mrs. Claus! Then off to the bonfire to have smores!! What a wonderful way to spend the day! Just having fun together. Now that is a much better idea than buying stuff no-one will care about! I think I am going to suggest this to my husbands family for next year, but my MIL is stubborn so it probably will be a no go, we'll see.

 

[bettyann29]

We started doing this last year for our family and we had so much fun doing it.. both me and DH brought something that both liked.. the items we brought were the items that everyone wanted..

This year I have bought a pretty angel that I know several family members will like.. not sure yet what DH will be bringing..

I do like the idea of the $25 giftcards.. I might suggest that for next year..

Most of the kids in our family are getting older and really liked watching us adults do this last year and asked to be included this year.. Cant wait!

 

[ncbyrne]

I can identify with your post on all levels! DH and I are mid-60s and not yet retired. I am an only child and was my invalid mother's only caregiver for 17 years before she died. DH's father had Alzheimers and his 85 year old mother was his "caregiver". DH went over everyday for an hour at lunch, then afterwork to check in on them and on weekends did whatever was needed around the house. I was the chauffer. That's all history now as my parents and f-i-l have since died and his mother now 94 is cared for in a home. I feel for you, I really do.
And our family of 5 grown kids and 6 grands insists on having the $30 gift swap thing every year! Last year we finally broke it up into two swaps...one for adults, one for kids. I have closet full of things we have absolutely no use for from these swaps. I also got smart last year and had DH pick the gift I brought, and I tried for his...both were $30 gift cards that I could use. In our family the big thing is the wrapping - it needs to be "creatively" wrapped.

 

[burberryplaid]

I hate it too (although we call it Yankee Swap)

I am seriously going to suggest that we make a donation to Toys for Tots instead. It's such a waste and people always end up unhappy. Yankee Swap was started about 4 years ago because people didn't want to pick names anymore. I think it's a big joke!

 

[SandrA9810]

i find the whole swapping thing strange. We never had the whole extended family at our gatherings, but maybe a few years. But we generally opened all of the family gifts on christmas eve night, and had potato soup for supper. Then christmas morning was the gifts from santa. Here and then we'd have friends over for dinner, but they weren't included in the big gift opening part, and occasionally there were gifts under the tree for them as well.
For my family it was my grandparents, mom, aunt, and 2 siblings. A time or two my uncle came, and sometimes my aunt's son would come with his family. But my aunt would usually adopt a family from church and invite them for Christmas dinner.

If your going to have a family get together, make it about your family. Make it a potluck instead. Every one enjoys food. And the age of a kid doesn't stop them from making something yummy. Plus you all have your individual families to give gifts to. And you can do that before going over. If you feel the desire to give a gift directly to a person, give it to them way in advance, so no one feels left out or like you skimped on thier gift.

And you never can tell what hard times your neighbors are going through, maybe you could invite them over for dinner as well.
Christmas isn't about the gifts... so why make it a burden.

 

[PaulaSue]

I stopped doing the drawing of the names with my family a long time ago. I always feel like I am the black sheep in the family. It was crazy that each person would just put a GC to this and that stores. NO fun IMO.

Now almost 10 years later others are getting bored of it. I guess I am a leader now.