I feel sorry for my

[kawing123]

I feel sorry for my oldest daughter. Yesterday was Christmas as you all know and I held a small Christmas dinner at my house. My parents came, her grandparents and handed my two children envelopes. My oldest daughter does not live at home. After she opened it she layed it down and I had seen there were some photos inside so I picked it up. My daughter got up grabbed it ubruptly from my hands and said to mine my own business. Then my mother proceeded on some stupid thing as she just seen an article or topic on how parents should not go through their kids stuff. Well what a bunch of nonsense. What was so secret or inapprorpiate that I could not see? If everyone opened their presents and disclaimed this rational what fun would Christmas be? Well, it turns out my parents gave my oldest more money than my youngest they are both over 18. I feel sorry that when I asked what was given she could not share her gift with me as this must have been the big secret. Maybe next year we should all take our gifts and secretly go open them and when asked what did you get yell out its none of your business because that is exactly how much sense this made. Also, I have a crocheted item I received for my wedding from my grandmother and she always wants it. Well as I was cleaning up I noticed my daughter had it packed away ready to go home with her. boy oh boy after I just told her she could not have it. Does anyone else come from such a dysfunctional family? Oh and my parents live hours away and they then wonder why I dont want to visit or bring my youngest one to see them?

 

[kidzmom3]

Well, I can see some of your point, however. . . .
In my family, if you recieve cash for a gift you never count it. You just say thank you and discreetly put it somewhere safe. And, if someone opens a card and looks at "something" inside, we all pretty much assume its cash or a check. Its not like a sweater. Where you would hold it up and show everyone.

Taking something that belongs to you that you specifically told her she could not have is stealing. your daughter does not have the right to steal from you.

 

[kawing123]

There should be no big secret its Christmas. If cash was the issue the grandmother should have just gave it to her on the side. That is part of Christmas sharing giving and receiving no secrets for distrusts. Also. this just opens to door for the oldest sister to pit against and hold this in her sisters face. Also, when my mom handed it to her she whispered (mouthed) something to my oldest. It is not as if the oldest sister is not going to let the youngest know about it or rub it in her face.

 

[Magic Mom]

If she is over 18, then they are right, it's not technically your business what she gets from anyone. If she wants to share with you, she will.

Your post is a little confusing. Are you upset with your parents for giving more to one than the other? Or for have a relationship with your oldest that doesn't involve you? or for suggesting that you don't need to know everything your young adult children get from them? or that your oldest stole something for you?

 

[luvsJack]

Was it a lot more? And does the grandmother make a habit of doing more for your oldest daughter?

Doesn't sound like something that would stop me from visiting my parents though. Nor would I discuss it with my youngest child.

Also, did you ask your daughter why she was packing up your belongings?

 

[kawing123]

I am amazed that since Christmas to my mother is about gifts that she would do this. No technically it is no ones business what anyone got but if she were to give money that they both being they are in each others presence receive the same or close to it. and yes it was fifty dollars more. The grandmother also has the aucacity to say to my youngest after she goes through everything everyone else got and asks what me and my husband gave each other and if our new tv was a christmas gift to each other why my children did not get jewelry this year as if it is mandatory I give them jewelry like what they got was not enough? And no I will not knowingly subject my youngest daughter to this so no I will not take her to visit them and their driving is not the best. There is alot more background here. Since it was Christmas I did not want to make an issue withmy daughter about taking the item I will deal with it another day. Grandma also knew she did this and did not say a word she had this item as was planning on taking it.

 

[coconutprincess]

Coming from a dysfunctional family, this is normal. My one grandma spoiled my brother, the other spoiled me. Also... my mom is very very nebby and I NEVER Tell her what my gifts are (other than my IL gifts).

I'm not sure if this applies to your situation or not, but my mom is very focused on gifts/money, etc, much like it seems your mom might be. So now, I don't even tell her anything about money, even if I got a huge bonus at work, she asks but I say oh, it was something small. I just got a new job that is a huge promotion for me, and I still won't tell her much about it and downplay it because she focuses on the $$$. Just be careful... as I know how problems in this area can spiral.

But I do see why you were bothered.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

If your daughter is over 18 then she has every right not to show off her Christmas gift if she doesn't want to. In fact since it was money she was showing good manners by not wanting anyone else to see it.

I don't understand you opinion that she is going to hold it over her sister. If she was going to rub it in her sister's nose that she got more money wouldn't the easiest way to do this be showing everyone what she got? Seems to me she was trying to save her sister the hurt over not getting as much.

 

[Buckalew11]

well, I think it is HORRIBLE for those grandparents to make a diiference between the two kids. JMO.

IF they thought the oldest, who is out on her own, needed extra money, give them the same for Christmas and then on the side give the oldest one some extra money but do not do it in the actually gift. Just my thoughts.
Sounds like there is a lot of history going on so I'll stay away from that part.

 

[WizardLarz]

Perhaps they gave her more money not because she is the oldest but because she is not living at home!

 

[kawing123]

EXACTLY, my point. It is not in good manners at Christmas or Birthdays to OPEN THE PRESENT IN FRONT OF OTHERS AND NOT SHARE WHAT IT IS. If she did not want to open it than that is another story. and yes the grandparents should not have done this that is myn point. If they wanted to give her extra for any other circumstance then that could be done at any other time. Because my oldest daughter already tells my youngest that this or that person thinks she is the prettiest and that they love her more. It is not nice or appropriate no is it to see my oldest trying to remove something from my home and keeping mum about it. My youngest lives away at school. my oldest is still going to school also but has lived not on campus.

 

[kawing123]

My point also is why my daughter did not say wow grandma and grandpa thank you it was all like it was a big secret.

 

[luvsJack]

I am sorry, I am still a bit confused. What does their driving have to do with it? Isn't your youngest daughter over 18 too? Couldn't she go see them on her own?

If the daughter's didn't know that there was $50 difference in the money, how did the oldest seem to know not to let you know how much she got? And if she was going to rub it in her sister's face, wouldn't she have said something then?

Any time money is given in our family, the money or gift card is just put away and the amount is not discussed. My sons' father gave them WalMart gift cards for years. They each just assume they were for the same amount but neither knows for sure because they never asked or discussed it. So I don't see her not discussing it with you a bad thing.

Also, the question about the jewelery, do you usually give jewelery to the girls for Christmas? If so, maybe that is why she asked.

The fact that your daughter was taking something that is yours, seems to be a mother-daughter problem not a grandmother problem. I really don't see how that was your mother's fault.

 

[kawing123]

Its the secrets. There is alot of history here but all our cars are older and it would be a three hour rural drive that for parts receive no cell communication. My youngest does not have her own car and so I would feel extremely cautious for here to make this drive on her own. My mother seen her stash it and when my oldest was leaving and said where is it my mom said how did she know? How did I know she was taking it? Its like my mom is encouraging her to take things from my home instead of telling me you know she has your item and is taking it?

 

[Magic Mom]

I am sorry, I am still a bit confused. What does their driving have to do with it? Isn't your youngest daughter over 18 too? Couldn't she go see them on her own?

If the daughter's didn't know that there was $50 difference in the money, how did the oldest seem to know not to let you know how much she got? And if she was going to rub it in her sister's face, wouldn't she have said something then?

Any time money is given in our family, the money or gift card is just put away and the amount is not discussed. My sons' father gave them WalMart gift cards for years. They each just assume they were for the same amount but neither knows for sure because they never asked or discussed it. So I don't see her not discussing it with you a bad thing.

Also, the question about the jewelery, do you usually give jewelery to the girls for Christmas? If so, maybe that is why she asked.

The fact that your daughter was taking something that is yours, seems to be a mother-daughter problem not a grandmother problem. I really don't see how that was your mother's fault.

That's how we do it. I would never pull cash out and count it out for everyone to SEE. That would be very rude to me. The can see it's cash, they don't need to know the exact amount. And I would be upset if someone grabbed the card and insisted on knowing.

 

[kawing123]

I did not grab the card. It was sitting on the table and I picked it up and was going to glance at it and she went off. She did not hide it in her purse or anything it was sitting on the table and I was straightening

 

[Magic Mom]

I did not grab the card. It was sitting on the table and I picked it up and was going to glance at it and she went off. She did not hide it in her purse or anything it was sitting on the table and I was straightening

She shouldn't have needed to hide it. It was her card, no one should have picked it up to look through it.

 

[kawing123]

I firmly disagree. Its funny though that myn parents mailed our card in the mail and chose to give my two kids theirs in person.

 

[Magic Mom]

I firmly disagree. Its funny though that myn parents mailed our card in the mail and chose to give my two kids theirs in person.

You firmly disagree that someone shouldn't pick up another persons personal envelope/correspondence and look through it without permission? really?

 

[Tink888]

I'm confused too. Why do you feel sorry for your oldest daughter? It sounds from your posts like you're mad at her and your parents.

I can understand you being upset with your daughter over the blanket she packed away after you told her that she couldn't have it but I don't really get the money issue from your parents.

It seems like bad manners to holler out the amount of a cash gift and bad manners to ask the amount in front of everyone. No need to say anything more than thank you to the person who gave it.

It all just seems a little petty to stop talking to people or seeing family over it to me.