I don't know what to do......(long)

[JenDaveBrendan]

Here is a long story made short:

My son takes the bus home from half day kindergarden (just with other kindergardeners), I live in a large apartment complex, so there is a central spot where the bus drops off, and there are about 6 kids that get off the bus. Anyway, there is a child (a good friend of DS's) that his dad "forgets" to pick him up at the bus-stop.(mom not home from work in time for pick up) Today I was the one to watch him till Dad came, but he never came. I called the child's house, and Dad said he "forgot" to get his child and could I bring him home. Of course I did. Besides the fact that this child's Dad is just negligent, I was wondering, is is normal for a bus driver to drop off kindergardeners and not wait to see if a parent is there for them?? This really worries me, because what if I was in a car accident or something and could not get to the bus stop - my son would be left high and dry, probably scared and not knowing what to do. Also, any moron could just pick him up. I was thinking of going to the office tomorrow about my concerns, but I also don't want to "rat out" this child's parents due to the fact the child's Dad is crazy - read on and I will explain why:
I brought the child home and me and DS went in, since the kids wanted to play for a little while. Let me add that this child's family just came here from Turkey about 2 years ago and the childs mom speaks broken english- Dad speaks perfect english. This will add in later....
Dad was home on the phone while I was there watching the kids, mom came home about a half hour later and dad left. Now, I don't know this mom all that well, but our kids are friends. She decides to confide in me over lunch that she "needs a divorce". I didn't pry due to I don't really know her that well. She then says "let me show you something", she goes in a cabinet and gets a bunch of well hidden papers and car/house keys that were not hers that she apparently found in her husbands pockets..... she asks me to read the papers because they are in english and she can only understand bits and pieces of them. There were about 7 notes from all different women to her husband - sexual in nature and a bunch of "I love you's". Obviously this man is having numerous affairs. Also in the pile is a recent receipt for $995 for a 6 month membership to a "singles club". I didn't know what to say. I told her the notes definatly implied that her husband was having affairs. The really weird part - she thinks this is normal. She asked me - totally seriously -"your husband has girlfriends, right??" --Ummmmmmmm, NO!!!! She said she has walked in to women in her bed. This has been going on their whole marriage. To top it off, she tells me he hits her. Supposidly the cops have been involved before. She didn't say anything about her son, except that " he hits me too because his dad does". I am just dumbfounded and horrified at this point. She is telling me she doesn't know what to do or where to go since she has no family here. I tell her to get in touch with a shelter, but she says she doesn't want to bring her son there. Then she asks if I can get some info off the internet (about divorce/programs for her -she has no computer access) and she will come over to get the info on Saturday.
I am at a loss. My main concern is for the childs welfare (watching this go on and the question if he is also getting abused), but on another level, I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want myself or my family to be a target for the Dad. He knows who we are and where we live.
I just don't know what to do about this. I can't avoid her, because our son's are great friends and we live in the same complex. I don't even want to drop her son off to his dad the next time he "forgets" to pick him up at the bus stop. Also, how do I explain to my son he can't go over his friends house?
Any input on this is greatly appreciated...... thanks!!!
Jen

 

[Nik's Mom]

Oh my, that's terrible. Really, all you can do is report to the school that Dad is never around to pick up the child from the bus. Let the school step in there. Other than that, I wouldn't get involved with this couple.

 

[kilee]

I don't think I'd get involved in the adult aspect either. As for the school bus driver dropping kids off and not knowing if there's an adult there. I think this is going to vary alot by school district and state. I would have the same concerns as you. However, I know here-- our buses only stop at corners. Meaning you could live a good 1/2 block from the stop. For whatever reason it's not uncommon for the parents to not meet their little one's at the bus stop. I don't get it- but it's common around here.

 

[poohandwendy]

I would stay far away from this couple and keep your son away from them too. They are a trainwreck.

As far as the bus situation. You really do not have to 'rat' out anyone. It is not a good idea for kindegarteners to be dropped off without a parent being there under any circumstances, I am surprised they allow it because of the liability factor. I would simply complain that you have noticed that the bus driver drops kids off whether a guardian is there or not and you want it to stop. Hopefully this is not normal procedure and it will stop with your voicing concerns.

Good luck

 

[robinb]

Wow.

There are a lot of things going on.

First of all, there is the kindergartener coming home alone. I always picked up my kidergartener, but I let my first grader walk home the one block to our house alone most times. Does the boy know the way home? If he's older he may be able to make it home OK without help.

Secondly, there is the whole marital problem with the parents. There is really nothing you can do . The dad is cheating on his wife. What do you intend to do? Turn him in? For what?

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

My husband said the same thing about not getting involved with the adults. He thinks I know and said too much already. However, he said if the mom ever says that her son is also getting hit by dad, he would personally call DSS. The whole situation is just scary.
I wish she never told me.........

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

Wow.

There are a lot of things going on.

First of all, there is the kindergartener coming home alone. I always picked up my kidergartener, but I let my first grader walk home the one block to our house alone most times. Does the boy know the way home? If he's older he may be able to make it home OK without help.

Secondly, there is the whole marital problem with the parents. There is really nothing you can do . The dad is cheating on his wife. What do you intend to do? Turn him in? For what?

No, he doesn't know his way home from the bus-stop. One of us mom's will stay with him till Dad comes or bring him home.
Reg. the marital problems: it wasn't about him cheating on her so much as it was about him hitting her and the question if he is also abusing his son. The cheating was just more or less part of what I heard today from her. She made him sound like a maniac.

 

[DawnCt1]

I just don't know what to do about this. I can't avoid her, because our son's are great friends and we live in the same complex. I don't even want to drop her son off to his dad the next time he "forgets" to pick him up at the bus stop. Also, how do I explain to my son he can't go over his friends house?
Any input on this is greatly appreciated...... thanks!!!
Jen

I agree with PooandWendy on this. You CAN avoid her. As a parent you can chose your 6 year old's friends. You do not know how this can evolve. The husband is abusive, any arrest may affect their citizenship and result in blaming who ever is on the edge of this bizarre situation. How can you tell your son he can't visit? Just say "Not today" and find other friends for him.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I think I would tell her that you have been so busy you have not had time for anything else and are not sure when you will. Perhaps suggest that the libraries have computers for use.

For the bus, I would guess that as long as the driver is letting the students out at the correct stop, it is not his responsibility to make sure someone is there to pick them up. His responsibility is to get them from their stop to school and then back again to the correct stop. He has a route to run and other kdgrs to pick up for an afternoon class. How would he know which days mom was picking up or dad or grandma or sitter, etc. and what if there was a substitute driver?

If all this is going on in their family, you might want to rethink taking the little boy home if a parent doesn't come for him. I know that sounds harsh, but you don't want to be accused of anything. This would also distance you and your son from this family. You could always be back, kind of out of sight, and if they don't show up, call the school and tell them or call the police anonymously and report a small child in your apt complex just got off the bus and is standing there all alone. DO NOT get your name involved.

Just some thoughts. Poor child! What a situation.

 

[Iggipolka]

If the child is being neglected (and he is) you can notify your county's Child Protective Services department about what is going on. If you talk with the school, they will most likely notify CPS as they are mandated reporters. Please do something for this poor kid.

 

[dbarker]

I have a different opinion on the adult situation (No Flames please). I was married to a man who was abusive and saw nothing wrong with having girlfriends. Also, this family just moved from India where the culture is different from ours. We (USA girls) are so used to our equal rights that sometimes I think we forget that women in other parts of the world have no rights.

Please help this mom. She is asking for your help. She may see you as her only hope since your boys are friends. Please refer her to Legal Aid (free attorney for women is her situation). Just write down their name, address and phone # for her. They will take care the rest once she contacts them.

As far as the not so DH coming after you for helping her, I seriously doubt that will happen. Abusive husbands are generally cowards. They hit their wives b/c they can and it makes them feel more superior,...... However, they avoid all other confrontrations like the plague.

So, please refer her to Legal Aid or a good divorce attorney. That is all she is asking for.

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

If the child is being neglected (and he is) you can notify your county's Child Protective Services department about what is going on. If you talk with the school, they will most likely notify CPS as they are mandated reporters. Please do something for this poor kid.

I was really thinking of doing this, but on a selfish side, I would be scared for my family. I know it is done annoymously, but I would still be afraid they would figure it out. I am really stuck on what to do, if anything for this reason.
DawnCt1 and poohandwendy - I totally agree this family is a "trainwreck" and we should stay away. It is just so hard when 2 innocent kids are such good friends - well, as much as 5 year olds can be I guess......and I just found out about all this today. But I would never put my son's safety in jeapardy, and will not allow him to go over there again.
Thanks everyone for the input!!

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

I have a different opinion on the adult situation (No Flames please). I was married to a man who was abusive and saw nothing wrong with having girlfriends. Also, this family just moved from India where the culture is different from ours. We (USA girls) are so used to our equal rights that sometimes I think we forget that women in other parts of the world have no rights.

Please help this mom. She is asking for your help. She may see you as her only hope since your boys are friends. Please refer her to Legal Aid (free attorney for women is her situation). Just write down their name, address and phone # for her. They will take care the rest once she contacts them.

As far as the not so DH coming after you for helping her, I seriously doubt that will happen. Abusive husbands are generally cowards. They hit their wives b/c they can and it makes them feel more superior,...... However, they avoid all other confrontrations like the plague.

So, please refer her to Legal Aid or a good divorce attorney. That is all she is asking for.

Thank you for that different point of view. My husband said the same thing about her coming to me since our boys are such good friends...maybe she has no one else to talk to. We really feel badly for her and her son, but then again don't want to get too involved. She basically told me she was coming over Sat. to see if I had any info for her... she made it clear that I was not to call her house due to her husband being suspicious. She seemed really desperate and wanted to know exactly when I would be home that day. I will give her some numbers and she can take it from there. I think that is all I can really do for her. She really needs some emergency help, and hopefully she will leave the SOB after calling some helplines. She talked to me for a good 2 hours today about all of this. The culture difference regarding women just totally blows me away. I have never encountered anything like this before.

 

[dbarker]

She probably has not had anyone else to talk to. Also, she may have felt like she needed to justify why she was wanting a divorce. Divorce is probably taboo in her religion and her culture. That is probably why you got so much TMI. Before I got my divorce, I didn't have anyone to talk to. (even though my mom lived 4 blocks away). Also, I was in denial for a while. It takes lots of guts for a woman to admit that her marriage is not perfect (especially when it an abusive one)

Abusive husbands are very controlling and you never know when they will strike. And according to them it is all our fault anyway. But, they are usually abusive to their wives, not other adults. And they will be abusive to their children b/c they are more powerful than a little kid.

As far as the kid situation, just let both kids know that they can play together at your house.