I Did It...Christmas Related...UGHHHHH...I KNEW IT!!!

[auntie]

IF they were concerned about my "financial" issue, there is something they could do for us and they are WELL aware of it. It has nothing to do with Christmas, gifts, get togethers or anything else. This whole "Christmas" thing is because that is what you are "supposed" to do. It has nothing to do with helping out when and in a way one could use it...believe me! I do continue to say NO GIFTS. SHE keeps pushing it. This has put me in a very difficult situation, not that I'm surprised, and I am finally at the end of my rope with it. (As I said this has been going on for years!)

I ignored it all last night and just enjoyed Glee. Today, I'll tackle it again and just repeat: No gifts. We are tired and are staying home the entire holiday season. Period....end of sentence... We'll see if it works.

I guess I'm missing something here?... Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time, so be patient with me please.. Appears to be a whole lot more going on than I'm privy to. Late to the party again.

I had the impression that you didn't want to celebrate the holiday with your brother and mother because it was you who did the hosting and you only saw them but once a year. Therefore, you didn't feel the need to celebrate with them?..Now do I have that wrong or is that the case?...

Certainly, you are entitled to your feelings and they should be respected. It is obvious from what you write ..that they are not going to feel the same and respect your wishes. I get that. (I think..)
You can control how you feel, but you can not control their reaction to your request. That's on them.
If you aren't willing to host the event..then how is it they can give you the gifts and celebrate? They don't host anything right?.. Even if, in the past your sister in law has attempted to extend the holiday to late January. Eventually you must have had them over. If you only see them but once a year for Christmas, can't you just stand your ground and refuse to see them.

I mean, do they knock your door down and throw presents under your tree?

I understand she will bicker back and forth with you regarding this. I would not respond to her. If they should attempt to come to your home. Don't open the door.
If they mail the gifts..then send them back. Or keep them. Doesn't mean you have to do the same.


_______________________________

 

[luvsJack]

Wouldn't it be easier to just let her buy the darn gifts if she wants to? And whatever your dd's do with the gifts is up to them.

Just make it plain that you are not planning any kind of get together or meal or anything and don't. If she plans something, let her.

Just seems like way more stress than necessary. You can't MAKE anyone do something just because that is what you WANT them to do.

 

[auntie]

Wouldn't it be easier to just let her buy the darn gifts if she wants to? And whatever your dd's do with the gifts is up to them.

Just make it plain that you are not planning any kind of get together or meal or anything and don't. If she plans something, let her.

Just seems like way more stress than necessary. You can't MAKE anyone do something just because that is what you WANT them to do.

Thanks, that's what I was trying to say, but you were much more to the point that I.

 

[ugadog99]

Auntie and luvsjack, you are both correct. I have always done the hosting...always. I am always the one that eventually gives in and does what they want at the time they deem fit. It's the constant bickering back and forth that I'm sick of. It seems every time I open my email, there is a new "argument" in favor of getting together and gifts for the girls. I hope the last interaction this morning will be the end of it. It's a battle of wills, I know. Thanksgiving was just so nice just the three of us, and that's how I want it this time. My plan now is to say nothing else. I've said my peace to her and now I'm finished. I doubt I will respond to anymore emails. If she ends up sending something to the girls, it will be their decision what to do. I highly doubt my brother would drive the hour just to show up here with gifts (in fact, I'm wondering if he knows any of this is going on). That would be totally out of character.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, your drama will stop when you internalize the fact that people aren't going to behave the way you want them to or tell them to. Expecting others to act in a certain way to please you is the best recipe for stress, drama and angst in your life.

You have the solution already. You said no gifts. They said we're getting them anyway. You said those gifts would be donated to a shelter if you get them. Now you need only follow up on that action if they give gifts. Everything else is drama.

What I think you really want is their validation of your choices and them to not think badly of you. Well guess what? People are going to think badly of you. Get used to it and learn how to live with it.

I guarantee that you'll be a happier person when you focus on your immediate family and structuring a happier life with them rather than spending time trying to please others who seem to be unpleaseable (or by trying to make others behave a particular way to make you happy).

OMG!!!!! I can say that I completely and totally agree with and offer a hearty 'I second that' to this post by Carly Roach!!!!

OP, if you don't want to host, or attend, anything for Christmas... then

But, you are only deluding yourself and adding to the drama if you think you can, or should, try to control what others do. This is where you are going way off track here. This is where your own possible issues are showing. You ARE engaging in the battle here.

Seriously....
I would only have said, as I posted earlier.. "ohh, I thought I mentioned we were not doing gifts this year... I don't have any gift lists..."
Period..
End of response...
No answer to any further emails on the subject...

Hopefully, you can use this as a good learning opportunity as you navigate how to handle these people in these situations in the future...

Make your own decisions based on your own personal boundaries... Otherwise, let them do whatever they wish... If they just have to go out and buy gifts... whatever.... Let'm have at it....

I do hope you and your girls have a wonderful holiday!

 

[Frantasmic]

Declare your home an outside communication free home from Dec 24 at 6p.m. until Dec 26 at 6 a.m. Unplug the phone (if you still have a landline), turn off the cell phones, and don't answer the door.

It really isn't worth the stress you are allowing them to maintain over you. As others have said, you can have a quiet day at home with your daughters. You cannot guarantee that your SIL and DB won't give you gifts or attempt to assuage their holiday familial duties guilt at some other time of the season. But, for 36 hours, you can guarantee that you and your family can do what you want together.

If she does manage to give your daughters gifts, she doesn't "win" by default. Your "win" is in getting to spend alone time as a family, not getting her to see and accept your terms of their behaviour.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If she does give your daughters gifts, she doesn't "win" by default. Your "win" is in getting to spend alone time as a family, not getting her to see and accept your terms of their behaviour.

THIS...

 

[snowywhite89]

OP you seem to want to win no matter the cost.

You are teaching your daughters how to treat others badly. Someday in the future this may come back to haunt you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP you seem to want to win no matter the cost.

You are teaching your daughters how to treat others badly. Someday in the future this may come back to haunt you.

I see this as teaching your dd's not to be a doormat to people who don't give rat's behind about you.

YMMV

 

[PixieTl]

Good for you! Just because someone is "blood" does not mean they are "family".

hugs, thank you for pointing that out!! I have a little sign that says "Friends are the Family you choose" and that's just the way my path has led over time. I have always run into family holiday drama and it drives me nuts every year and its soo stressful! My best holiday memories for myself and my kids are with our friends! now if I can just get to that point this year, I think I would be a bit more cheery about Christmas this year!

op, I haven't finished the posts yet, I hope things are working out for you and your girls (((hugs)))

 

[snowywhite89]

I see this as teaching your dd's not to be a doormat to people who don't give rat's behind about you.

YMMV

Being a doormat would be if she backed down and hosted even when she did not want to.

Not letting another buy a gift they want to give is not being a doormat but being pushy and not a nice way to present yourself to your DDs.

Add into this the OP has a mother who nobody seems to care how she feels about celebrating the holidays. "If you don't take her then I will" is the way it came across here.

 

[HM]

I don't see why they can't buy gifts for your girls if they want to.
You can be clear that there will be no reciprocation on your part, and that you'd prefer they not get gifts.
That doesn't seem so hard to me.

 

[IUTBAM]

Thanks, that's what I was trying to say, but you were much more to the point that I.

That's also what I was trying to say.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Being a doormat would be if she backed down and hosted even when she did not want to.

Not letting another buy a gift they want to give is not being a doormat but being pushy and not a nice way to present yourself to your DDs.

Add into this the OP has a mother who nobody seems to care how she feels about celebrating the holidays. "If you don't take her then I will" is the way it came across here.

We will have to agree to disagree then. I see the SIL as a controlling bully who wants her way.

I do not tolerate manipulation and if you tried that on me you would find yourself meeting your match. I treat it as a sport and I am damn good at it.

 

[ugadog99]

I see this as teaching your dd's not to be a doormat to people who don't give rat's behind about you.

YMMV

AND we have a winner!! You get it. After years of putting up with their stuff, I said no. They (she) continues to try to wear me down. I think we will have a no communication zone. I like that idea. As far as me not allowing her to continue this, it's kind of difficult when she is the one who keeps bombarding me with emails about it. I tried not to be rude and answered her email and thought that would end it, but it didn't. Now that I have again said what we are going to do, I will not answer any further emails regarding the situation. I am sure at that point, the phone will start ringing.

 

[jen0610]

We will have to agree to disagree then. I see the SIL as a controlling bully who wants her way.

I do not tolerate manipulation and if you tried that on me you would find yourself meeting your match. I treat it as a sport and I am damn good at it.

I have to agree with you. Uga said NO to doing anything with her family for Christmas. SIl is being the jackwagons in this, not Uga. Last time I checked when someone says no, it means NO. It doesn't mean, since I really want to, it's ok for me to bug the heck out of you until you see it MY way.

If they show up, let them in or not. They bring gifts, open or not. After all the communications from you on not doign anything for Christmas, I would be hot if they just showed up at my door. I might let them in, then carry on with the plans I had and ignore them until they felt so uncomfortable that they would just leave. I wouldn't offer then anything - food or drink. You and the girls planned on going to a movie, get your stuff on and tell them, you are leaving the house, then need to go. If it hurt their feels, I wouldn't care. They are pushing themselves onto you and your DD's plans.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Granted that I do not know the background story of the OP with her brother and SIL that might affect my thoughts, but based on the info in the original post, I'm missing what the 'big' problem is if brother and SIL want to drop off gifts for the girls.
I can understand standing one's ground if there is abuse or some severe problem involved, but gift giving doesn't seem to fit in that category. If it were my SIL, I'd let her drop off the gifts for the girls.
I think more important than gifts or no gifts is what we teach our children in moments like this and how teaching like this can sometimes come back to us in later life in unpleasant ways. Maybe the OP doesn't want to host for Christmas, but being gracious enough to let someone drop off a few presents doesn't seem like it should be that big an issue. Again, I don't have the full background and perhaps that would change my thoughts.

 

[ugadog99]

Dropping off gifts would be okay, I suppose. However, it won't happen. There is NO way they would drive "all the way" down here to drop off gifts and leave. Heck, they couldn't even bother to drive "all the way" here to see my daughter in her first stage show. Just to drop off a few gifts...no way. Since I haven't heard anything today, I'm thinking it is now a dead issue.

 

[ugadog99]

Yeah! It's over!! I just got an email that was pretty much the white flag waving. There will be no get together, no gifts, nothing...exactly what I said we were doing in the first place. Whew..........now the girls and I can just relax and enjoy being just us!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yeah! It's over!! I just got an email that was pretty much the white flag waving. There will be no get together, no gifts, nothing...exactly what I said we were doing in the first place. Whew..........now the girls and I can just relax and enjoy being just us!

I guess if you were not going to cook and clean for them then it was not worth it to them.