I Did It...Christmas Related...UGHHHHH...I KNEW IT!!!

[PelletierBears]

I seriously cannot believe the latest email. She doesn't want to do a donation; she wants to do gifts. I am at a loss for words. Does it not matter what I want??? I am so done with this. Once again, I'll email and say, the girls do not want or expect gifts. Please make a donation to CURE or some other worthy cause. At this point, I don't care what she does..just leave me alone about it. (Oh and the "girls" are 16 and 20...hardly children that "need" gifts!)

Well don't you know it's all about HER?

My SIL is exactly the same way. She makes sure she gets her way in everything so several years ago we stopped going to her house for holidays and concentrated on making our own holiday traditions. It was the best thing we could have done

We also stopped exchanging gifts with both the adults and our nieces. We only did this because my family is so large and it was hard to buy gifts for 15 nieces and nephews plus our own plus participate in the adult grabs. DH's family just didn't get it (neither of his siblings married into large families so no burden for them) Last year DH sent the yearly email saying "although we hope you all have a great christmas, etc we won't be exchanging gifts. If you insist on getting something for our kids please donate to "xyz charity" in their names".
Don't you know when we did see his sister she gave our kids cards with $$$ in them and there we are with nothing for her kids. She got her way though which in her mind is all that counts.

Stick to your guns it's the only way to deal with people like this. Don't say too much or offer explanations. Just keep saying "No!"

Good luck!

 

[ugadog99]

My girls are in complete agreement with no gifts from outside the three of us. We are celebrating Christmas just as we did Thanksgiving: only us. This has been brewing for quite some time. I feel this way every year but have never really pushed the issue until last year. At that time, I tried the "no gifts," but getting together would be okay. After tons of pressure, I caved and ended up buying gifts and getting together anyway. This year, I am tired; the girls are tired; the next semester is going to be a KILLER, and we want to stay home and just rest and be us. With one in college and one EXTRA active in high school theatre, I don't have the funds to give this year.(Please understand there is so much more to this story and so much past history here. I just don't want to bore you all with it.) I know this seems like an extreme stance, but it boils down to this: If we are not important to you 364 days a year, we sure as crap aren't going to be important to you 1 day a year just to ease your conscience about "family!"

I guess we'll explain it one more time. No gifts, but a charitable contribution is fine. If not, anything that is given, will be given to Angel House or Welcome House here at home.

 

[ugadog99]

I don't know your family of course and this could just a fake sugary smile thing going on with them.

Yep, it's this!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Do your brother and SIL have children? Just curious. We had an issue in the family years ago. DH and I always chipped in with the other adults in the family for gifts for the kids. Lo and behold, we have a child and everyone decides it's "too much". I was definitely upset. I spent 11 years buying for everyone else's kids and then when I had one, it was "too much"? Sorry if that sounds selfish, but honestly, I don't really care.

Anyway, maybe this is what has them pushing the issue?

 

[clh2]

I know this seems like an extreme stance, but it boils down to this: If we are not important to you 364 days a year, we sure as crap aren't going to be important to you 1 day a year just to ease your conscience about "family!"

Well - I feel "twice as important than you"...

My DSis - insists on being one-big happy family on Thanksgiving AND Christmas.

I certainly feel your pain - and dread the holidays as much as you. I can also appreciate (from my own personal experiencsyour comments about there being so much more to the story.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I seriously cannot believe the latest email. She doesn't want to do a donation; she wants to do gifts. I am at a loss for words. Does it not matter what I want??? I am so done with this. Once again, I'll email and say, the girls do not want or expect gifts. Please make a donation to CURE or some other worthy cause. At this point, I don't care what she does..just leave me alone about it. (Oh and the "girls" are 16 and 20...hardly children that "need" gifts!)

You have broken the cardinal rules. TSK...TSK....

You can only do 1 thing now and that is say the same line over and over and over again like a broken record.

She is doing the classical manipulation tactic of "breaking you down".

Here is the strategy.

"We are not exchanging gifts or getting together this Christmas."

Next line....(after they say something nasty)

"Sorry you feel that way".

Then lather, rinse, repeat. You cannot stray from the formula. I know it is hard but it does work.

Good Luck

 

[ugadog99]

You have broken the cardinal rules. TSK...TSK....

You can only do 1 thing now and that is say the same line over and over and over again like a broken record.

She is doing the classical manipulation tactic of "breaking you down".

Here is the strategy.

"We are not exchanging gifts or getting together this Christmas."

Next line....(after they say something nasty)

"Sorry you feel that way".

Then lather, rinse, repeat. You cannot stray from the formula. I know it is hard but it does work.

Good Luck

I will press forward, thank you!

 

[minniecarousel]

I think I missed something in this thread. Are you seeing your Mother on Christmas? Is it just your brother and sis-in-law who you don't want to see? is there other family that you will be seeing during the holidays?

I see nothing wrong with the declaration of "no presents". If someone in my family wanted this, I would honor their wish. Seems like they're just not on board.

 

[ugadog99]

IF my brother doesn't go to get my mom to be with his famiy, then I will, of course, go get her. I would never let her sit home alone on Christmas. There is no other family. When I said no gifts, I meant no gifts. I do not appreciate my wishes not being respected!

 

[IUTBAM]

I mean absolutely no disrespect, but what I can't figure out is why you are making this a power play of sorts. If you don't want to get together with her, then don't. It's that simple. As for the gifts, why get so stressed and talk yourself blue trying to convince her? Just smile if she gives you gifts, and then donate them to Goodwill or any other charity you want. No need to get into a fight back and forth about it. You can't stop someone from buying you a present...and why even bother with making a fuss about not accepting it? Just smile, accept it, and get rid of it. Don't give her a reason to argue with you. I realize you want to try and make a point with her, but it doesn't sound like that's going to happen. It doesn't mean she wins. Save your time and energy for your own girls.

 

[antsss]

I think what some are missing is that the OP was the one who always ended up doing all the hosting, cooking, etc.

OP: I get you on this, I really do! It sure is expensive to entertain and lots of work as well. Life is too short to celebrate the holidays in a way that causes stress or strife. One thing my DH and I do after each holiday is to evaluate what we did and talk openly and honestly about what we liked, what we didn't and what we could change for the following year. It doesn't always turn out perfectly, but it makes things better for us and our family.

Stick to your guns and enjoy your day.

 

[diznygirl]

I don't get why it's all or nothing. If the OP doesn't want to host, fine. But one visit with family for the holidays? And to refuse gifts for her children? She must really despise her SIL. Otherwise, I just don't get why she can't scale back Christmas. Why does it have to completely cancelled?

 

[auntie]

I totally get that you don't feel the need to get together for Christmas. I have relatives also that don't give us a second thought until they suddenly need someplace to go and call "family" come Christmastime.

I stopped playing the game about three years ago. Stayed home, and went to Church Christmas Eve. Just us. Since then, it's funny, but my kids each have a couple of friends who come over. Also my sister, who I do see and have a relationship with comes. We have a nice little gathering now...and it's with people I actually care about. No stress..just people we care about and who care about us.

I'm not sure what the entire "back story" here is. Reading the e-mail you sent I had the impression that you and your girls are choosing not to celebrate the holiday because you couldn't afford to do so. Your brother and his wife may feel badly for your girls and think they're doing you a favor by buying them gifts anyway.(at least in their minds).

I just don't understand why you simply can't tell them, that you're not up to hosting a celebration and prefer not to exchange gifts. END OF STORY.
If they'd like to host a celebration for your mom..that would be great. You're tired and the girls just want to hang out and rest. Maybe you'll catch them during the holiday week.
I think the whole "we're not celebrating Christmas this year"...kind of makes you seem like a hard nose and really isn't sending them the right message. Which is that you guys just want to stay home and enjoy the holiday yourselves.

Buy the way...too late now, but you could also have just suddenly had terrible stomach viruses Christmas day. You wouldn't have had to see them, and celebrated the way you wanted. Without any of the stress before hand.
Trust me...it works, and makes changing the holiday up for the following year waaay easier.

 

[manning]

I seriously cannot believe the latest email. She doesn't want to do a donation; she wants to do gifts. I am at a loss for words. Does it not matter what I want??? I am so done with this. Once again, I'll email and say, the girls do not want or expect gifts. Please make a donation to CURE or some other worthy cause. At this point, I don't care what she does..just leave me alone about it. (Oh and the "girls" are 16 and 20...hardly children that "need" gifts!)

No matter what you say she is doing gifts.

Solution is simple, stick to your guns and give nothing. If she complains just tell her you did what you said you would do end of discussion.

 

[auntie]

If you decided not to host the celebration......how is it that your sister in law plans to exchange gifts?..
If they knock..don't answer the door.

 

[shortbun]

In our family we did gifts for children only for several years. I guess I don't see the crime in your SIL and BIL wanting to give your daughters presents. You are skewering them for their generosity like it puts you in some bad light. Why does this reflect on you and why are you being so stubborn about it? I think you are making a big deal out of something you could have relaxed about but now have made into a HUGE problem. Lots of people are having hard financial times right now. No reason you should feel compelled to give any gifts because your daughters receive some. Sorry, I think you are the problem. Good thing I'm not in your family, huh? Fwiw, my son has not received a birthday or Christmas present from his uncle for about 5 years. His cousins continue to get gifts from us; my son is totally ok with it because he knows it's not about him.

 

[shortbun]

wrong thread

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, are you thinking that you will be the big black-sheep and talk of the whole family because "We gave nice gifts to them, and they are thoughtless selfish worthless excuse's for humanity because they did NOTHING in return"......

I suspect that in the huge, huge, percentage of these cases, gifts come with a hefty dose of strings attached.

If they want to do gifts... then hey... let them do gifts... and I would have to accept with some effort of politeness/graciousness. However, when you have already said 'NO gifts', and the next thing that happens is they email/call you to ask what to buy?????

That point may have escaped a few here who are following your saga... but has definitely not been lost on me. What were they expecting your response to be?

I do have to say that the whole extreme, we will not even make contact with you and will refuse all gifts, attitude does not paint you in the best light.... While I can agree with your desire and need to avoid all of the family drama and history... I think it would be best to lay low.

I know you were caught off guard, but instead of making a huge deal out of it, might have been better to say "gifts??? we weren't doing gifts, right.... Sorry, but I/we don't really have a wish list...."

I do TOTALLY understand your situation.
When people do not have respect and observe personal boundaries, it can become necessary to build huge fences.

 

[ugadog99]

I'm not sure what the entire "back story" here is. Reading the e-mail you sent I had the impression that you and your girls are choosing not to celebrate the holiday because you couldn't afford to do so. Your brother and his wife may feel badly for your girls and think they're doing you a favor by buying them gifts anyway.(at least in their minds).

I just don't understand why you simply can't tell them, that you're not up to hosting a celebration and prefer not to exchange gifts. END OF STORY.
If they'd like to host a celebration for your mom..that would be great. You're tired and the girls just want to hang out and rest. Maybe you'll catch them during the holiday week.
I think the whole "we're not celebrating Christmas this year"...kind of makes you seem like a hard nose and really isn't sending them the right message. Which is that you guys just want to stay home and enjoy the holiday yourselves.

Buy the way...too late now, but you could also have just suddenly had terrible stomach viruses Christmas day. You wouldn't have had to see them, and celebrated the way you wanted. Without any of the stress before hand.
Trust me...it works, and makes changing the holiday up for the following year waaay easier.

IF they were concerned about my "financial" issue, there is something they could do for us and they are WELL aware of it. It has nothing to do with Christmas, gifts, get togethers or anything else. This whole "Christmas" thing is because that is what you are "supposed" to do. It has nothing to do with helping out when and in a way one could use it...believe me!

I do continue to say NO GIFTS. SHE keeps pushing it. This has put me in a very difficult situation, not that I'm surprised, and I am finally at the end of my rope with it. (As I said this has been going on for years!)

I've tried the stomach thing/flu/cold. Heck, we've even been OUT OF STATE for Christmas. Doesn't work...she'll just extend "Christmas" into the end of JANUARY just to make it work.

I ignored it all last night and just enjoyed Glee. Today, I'll tackle it again and just repeat: No gifts. We are tired and are staying home the entire holiday season. Period....end of sentence... We'll see if it works.

 

[Carly_Roach]

IF my brother doesn't go to get my mom to be with his famiy, then I will, of course, go get her. I would never let her sit home alone on Christmas. There is no other family. When I said no gifts, I meant no gifts. I do not appreciate my wishes not being respected!

OP, your drama will stop when you internalize the fact that people aren't going to behave the way you want them to or tell them to. Expecting others to act in a certain way to please you is the best recipe for stress, drama and angst in your life.

You have the solution already. You said no gifts. They said we're getting them anyway. You said those gifts would be donated to a shelter if you get them. Now you need only follow up on that action if they give gifts. Everything else is drama.

What I think you really want is their validation of your choices and them to not think badly of you. Well guess what? People are going to think badly of you. Get used to it and learn how to live with it.

I guarantee that you'll be a happier person when you focus on your immediate family and structuring a happier life with them rather than spending time trying to please others who seem to be unpleaseable (or by trying to make others behave a particular way to make you happy).