I could cry!!!! In-law troubles!!!!

[mickeyluvr004]

Thanks for the advice! You are all right, I guess I was questioning whether or not I was being selfish not wanting them to go, so it is nice to know that it isn't just me!!! They are gone for two weeks, so I guess I will let you all know how "the talk" goes.....

Good for you and Good luck I am soo happy that I get along soo well with my in-laws (in this marriage) In my first marriage my MIL drove me NUTS every thing had to be her way and nothing was good for her precious son Well I have to say I am now happily married and he has been divorced 2 X and his now girlfriend does not get along with the MIL either so I know it wasn't me Best of luck and please let us all know give us an update as we are all going to wonder how it went, Enjoy your trip with your little one,

 

[floydfamily4]

You have gotten some great advice. The only thing I would add is "remember the forsaking all others" part of the vows - yes, it applies to your parents as well. Not sure what kind of ceremony you had but I know that in the beginning of my marriage (9 years ago) I once told my husband "do we need to run the tape and remind you of your vows??" I have been blessed that that was it and we just try really hard not to allow anyone to make him "forsake" me for them. Granted my MIL is wonderful and she is coming with us in Nov to celebrate my twins 5th bday but she was invited . As long as you and DH stand together for your family it will eventually work out. Your children have to see you model a commitment to each other over others or they will grow up thinking "mommy being stressed out about grammy" is ok and I am sure you don't want that. Good luck and be strong

Dawn

 

[mom2princessj]

My inlaws were fine until we had our dd and then my MIL turned into my worst nightmare. Dh is the youngest of 10 and she views him as her 'baby' so she didn't feel we could handle having our own baby since she figured dh couldn't do anything with her. UGH...she invited herself to stay to help us learn how to take care of dd when she was born. I politely told her no thank you we could take care of her ourselves as I am 12 years older than my sister and took care of her when she was born. She kept arguing and arguing with me and telling me she was staying to help. FINALLY I got mean and told her you ARE NOT coming to stay as this is our time to bond with OUR baby and we are adults who would figure it out. I did hurt her feelings but it was just the first of many battles I had with her during my pregnancy and after dd was born. Dh was miserable as he's super close with his mother. I finally stopped talking to her because she told dh that dd had colic because I wasn't keeping her warm enough I told him I'd had enough.

Fast forward to my pregnancy with ds. Dh got smart and told her NOTHING. Every time she asked about how I was he said fine (I have extremely high risk pregnancies and she harped on everything with me while pregnant with dd). After ds was born I did get satisfaction in telling her I had the same issues with ds as dd BUT we said nothing as to not stress me out with her insane nature to mother.

She FINALLY got it after all of that. She doesn't understand when you are nice to her. She's very BULLHEADED and only sees her views. We have parties and she asks what she can bring...I tell her and she brings whatever she has in her mind she wants to bring anyway so I quit telling her to bring stuff. I am polite to her when she is at my house or calls the house (which dh told her she is only to call his cell phone not our house phone as our first night home with dd she called at 6am the next morning to ask how it went...he was livid since we had basically no sleep) but as far as seeing her much we don't. it's not just me though...the other dil's act this way towards her too. She's a control freak.

You have to put your foot down and stand up to them no matter what the consequences. They KNOW they can get away with their behavior so they continue to do what they want when they want. I hope your talk works. Don't back down and don't let them put you in a corner. Stand your ground and be strong! It will make things alot easier in the long run!

 

[Tenuviel]

OMG we should start an IL support group

After I had my DS I had really bad postpartum depression. He wasn't gaining weight and I was feeling like a failure as a mom and was just bawling. My IL were coming to visit and I later found out that my DH had asked his folks to be gentle with me and told them about my feeling like I was doing something wrong and worried I wouldn't be able to breastfeed because he wasn't gaining weight. The first thing my FIL says to my son when he arrived (of course with my DH out of the room) was, "So I hear your mommy isn't feeding you enough." I cried and cried and cried and my DH screamed at his dad when he found out, so he has stood up to them before- just not as often as I think he should!

 

[Cherlynn25]

Just wanted to say im sorry you are dealing with all of this, my MIL is basically doesnt ever come around, so i havent had to deal with that.

What about telling them if they wanted to come they could pay to extend your trip and they could come after your parents have left. Seems like a win win to me. You get more time at WDW, they get to enjoy seeing your DS and celebrating with him, both grandparents get that quality time with out having to fight for it.

Hope it all works out =)

 

[Krissy Marissy]

I am sorry. First off your DH owes you an apology. He can say he didn't know they'd do something like that but apparently it sounds like they are competitive and you knew they would. Did your DH secretly want them along? Is there a part of him that doesn't think it's fair that you are going with your family over his actual birthday and his parents can't be there? I'm just curious because there might be a reason he accidently mentioned the trip to his family?

 

[Krissy Marissy]

Just wanted to say im sorry you are dealing with all of this, my MIL is basically doesnt ever come around, so i havent had to deal with that.

What about telling them if they wanted to come they could pay to extend your trip and they could come after your parents have left. Seems like a win win to me. You get more time at WDW, they get to enjoy seeing your DS and celebrating with him, both grandparents get that quality time with out having to fight for it.

Hope it all works out =)

I agree. If they have so much money that is a GREAT plan! Spend the first half with your family and then the second with his. It is a win win for everyone

 

[Tenuviel]

I am sorry. First off your DH owes you an apology. He can say he didn't know they'd do something like that but apparently it sounds like they are competitive and you knew they would. Did your DH secretly want them along? Is there a part of him that doesn't think it's fair that you are going with your family over his actual birthday and his parents can't be there? I'm just curious because there might be a reason he accidently mentioned the trip to his family?

My DH is very naive- and he honestly thought since they are not theme park/disney people they wouldn't want to go so it wouldn't be an issue. He wasn't looking at it from the perspective of his parents being competetive with mine, but rather a there is no way under normal circumstances they would want to do this....of course nothing is normal about my IL.

I think it would be better- which is the option I am pushing for- to plan a trip with his parents that would be something they would enjoy, like a cruise or Hawaii. They are not into rides or Mickey so them going to WDW in general seems like a disaster to me!

 

[dogodisney]

I can understand your feelings and frustrations but you also need to look at this at a different angle.


As someone who has lost both my parents and inlaws, I tend to think of how short life is and how quick we can lose our loved ones. You want to tell your in-laws that you will plan a trip with them down the road. How will you feel if it never comes? What if something happens to one or both of them or any of you for that matter before that time comes?

You didn't say what kind of grandparents they are or what kind of relationship your son has with them, so I am assuming eb=verything is fine there.

Couldn't it be worked out that you all go on this trip but lay some ground rules with both sets of parents. What if for your son's bday you plan one meal with one set of parents, then another meal with the other set. But just you and your Dh spend park time with your son that day. This way everyone gets to spend part of the day celebrating his special day.The rest of the the time, you could spend different days at the parks with each set of parents.

If it is going to be too much then maybe you should cancel the trip with all parents and just take the trip with you, your DH, and DS.

No matter what happens, you and your DH do need to sit down with his parents and let them know how you feel.

Best Wishes.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I can understand your feelings and frustrations but you also need to look at this at a different angle.


As someone who has lost both my parents and inlaws, I tend to think of how short life is and how quick we can lose our loved ones. You want to tell your in-laws that you will plan a trip with them down the road. How will you feel if it never comes? What if something happens to one or both of them or any of you for that matter before that time comes?

You didn't say what kind of grandparents they are or what kind of relationship your son has with them, so I am assuming eb=verything is fine there.

Couldn't it be worked out that you all go on this trip but lay some ground rules with both sets of parents. What if for your son's bday you plan one meal with one set of parents, then another meal with the other set. But just you and your Dh spend park time with your son that day. This way everyone gets to spend part of the day celebrating his special day.The rest of the the time, you could spend different days at the parks with each set of parents.

If it is going to be too much then maybe you should cancel the trip with all parents and just take the trip with you, your DH, and DS.
No matter what happens, you and your DH do need to sit down with his parents and let them know how you feel.

Best Wishes.

I understand what you are saying but I don't agree at all. Why should one family have to suffer because others can't be nice?

 

[Emma's Dad]

You may sound harsh, but you are right. It is partially my fault, for years I found it easier to just work to keep our families apart rather than address the issue out of fear that it would result in my DH losing his parents (they have a habit in his family to simply cut off the people they have conflicts with), but a good friend of mine pointed out that they know that we are scared to say anything and therefore know they can get away with it. I just got off the phone with my DH and when they get back from Hawaii we are going to have to sit down with them and discuss them not going on this trip AND the reason why they are not invited (their treatment of my family).

Good for you guys. I certainly pray the conversation goes well and you are able to communicate to them the importance of having quality time with your own family rather than stressing over the potential conflicts that may occur. I agree that DH definitely needs to "man-up" and address this with his parents... and he needs to make is clear that it is a family decision.

 

[Tenuviel]

I understand what you are saying but I don't agree at all. Why should one family have to suffer because others can't be nice?

I also understand where you are coming from, but I too have to disagree. I do not think it is fair to my parents to put them in that situation. And all of the negativity surrounding this situation has been created by my IL. They watch my DS two days a week while I am at work and we typically see them on weekends around twice a month. We welcome them over when they want to come visit, and unless we have prior engagement we always go over when invited, so it isn't like they don't spend time with us or our DS.

 

[Tenuviel]

Good for you guys. I certainly pray the conversation goes well and you are able to communicate to them the importance of having quality time with your own family rather than stressing over the potential conflicts that may occur. I agree that DH definitely needs to "man-up" and address this with his parents... and he needs to make is clear that it is a family decision.

I have to say- it was really nice hearing a guy call my DH to man up....makes me feel like less of a nag

 

[puffkin]

As someone who has in-law problems herself, I have to agree with this. They are his parents and he has to deal with it. This is the root of most our fights (DH & I). I deal with my parents and they do overstep sometimes, and DH is a sissy with his. Your DH has to put his foot down.

Good luck!

I had to laugh at this because this is exactly how our family is.

 

[dogodisney]

I understand what you are saying but I don't agree at all. Why should one family have to suffer because others can't be nice?

I also understand where you are coming from, but I too have to disagree. I do not think it is fair to my parents to put them in that situation. And all of the negativity surrounding this situation has been created by my IL. They watch my DS two days a week while I am at work and we typically see them on weekends around twice a month. We welcome them over when they want to come visit, and unless we have prior engagement we always go over when invited, so it isn't like they don't spend time with us or our DS.

Like I said, I'm looking at this from a different perspective and trying to think of ways that it would be the most fair to everyone, especially your son.
It's too bad that the situation is the way it is, since an innocent little boy won't be able to spend his birthday with all the people that love him.

I hope you and your DH can make your IL's realize what harm that they are doing. Your DS is the one who is going to suffer the most. It will be a shame if he has to pick which set of grandparents he has to choose to invite to special occassions, or whatever he has going on in his life.

God Bless you all.

 

[roscoepc1]

You may sound harsh, but you are right. It is partially my fault, for years I found it easier to just work to keep our families apart rather than address the issue out of fear that it would result in my DH losing his parents (they have a habit in his family to simply cut off the people they have conflicts with), but a good friend of mine pointed out that they know that we are scared to say anything and therefore know they can get away with it. I just got off the phone with my DH and when they get back from Hawaii we are going to have to sit down with them and discuss them not going on this trip AND the reason why they are not invited (their treatment of my family).

Yay! Way to fo Tenuviel's dh!!! What a man!!!!

 

[roscoepc1]

I am the evil daughter in law too!! We should form a club of some sort - LOL!!!

Goody! Can we have t-shirts and memebrship cards??? How about our own Association credit card???

 

[Tenuviel]

Like I said, I'm looking at this from a different perspective and trying to think of ways that it would be the most fair to everyone, especially your son.
It's too bad that the situation is the way it is, since an innocent little boy won't be able to spend his birthday with all the people that love him.

I hope you and your DH can make your IL's realize what harm that they are doing. Your DS is the one who is going to suffer the most. It will be a shame if he has to pick which set of grandparents he has to choose to invite to special occassions, or whatever he has going on in his life.

God Bless you all.

My DS and DH have been the primary reason for me not saying anything to my IL because I do seriously believe they will cut me off if I confront them, and to be honest, if they stop talking to me and are talking bad about (which is what they do when conflict arises with someone) than I will not be comfortable with them being around my DS, and because I don't want him to lose out on them I have bit my tongue, but I guess I am realizing that I cannot continue to sit there and ignore all of the issues any longer, I hope I am wrong and we will be able to work through it like adults, but I really do think this could result in their being out of my life, but I just can't ignore them putting my family down any longer. It is causing me to be filled with bitterness and eventually my son will pick up on it. I do appreciate your thoughts and I wish the situation was different- and maybe my IL will surprise (I do believe in miracles after all!) Thanks for the good wishes and prayers!

 

[dreamalittledream]

How about a land and sea package? they can pay for the cruise part!

seriously though, good luck.

It is hard to stand up to your parents, as their child you are always looking for their approval. When DH makes his stand, treat him well, show him your support and let him know just how much you appreciate him and what he is doing for "your" family. I wish you the best!

 

[Tenuviel]

Goody! Can we have t-shirts and memebrship cards??? How about our own Association credit card???

Oooooooh I like this idea....and perhaps we will need to have a yearly convention....I know the perfect destination