I could cry!!!! In-law troubles!!!!

[Tenuviel]

I've been reading this thread since the beginning - can I join the evil DIL club?

Welcome to the club

My plan was to tell them last minute before our trip too- silly DH!!!!

 

[mom2faith]

The plan...so my DH and I have a game plan I feel good about.

We both decided that if we talked them about the trip AND the treatment of my family (and to a less extent, their treatment of me at times) together my MIL will latch on to our telling them we would rather not have them join us on the trip and how hurtful we are and completely ignore the deeper issue at hand. Soooo here is our thought- let me know if you all think this sounds good (you have been a lot of help so thanks!!!)...

DH is going to arrange lunch with my FIL who is a bit more objective and honest. He is going to point out the elephant in the room that has never been discussed- their dislike of my family- and he is going to tell his dad that this makes us very uncomfortable with the prospect of travelling together. He going to say all the things we discussed here....a later trip with them so they don't have to share DS and all of that jazz. He is going to point out that with how emotional/eratic MIL is we thought it would be best if we came to FIL first and perhaps he can suggest planning a trip with just us to MIL as it is completely understandable that he would not enjoying travelling with people he doesn't like. IF he does not want to do that my DH will inform him that this trip is with DW's family and we will let MIL know. We hope they understand and would love to plan another trip with them.

Then at another time we can get together with both of my IL and really express how much their snide comments and judgements of my family hurt us and will really hurt my DS in the future. Hopefully if FIL takes care of the trip issue maybe we will be able to work on the really issue at hand- their hurtful treatment of my family.

Thanks again to you all for all of the help and support!

I think this is your best bet. It is exactly what DH was trying to do with his dad (but, sadly his dad had already been brainwashed).

I fully agree with you on this solution, I think you and your DH have done a great job communicating and working together to come up with a workable solution. KUDOS TO YOU!!!

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Amy

 

[mjmoon]

The plan...so my DH and I have a game plan I feel good about.

We both decided that if we talked them about the trip AND the treatment of my family (and to a less extent, their treatment of me at times) together my MIL will latch on to our telling them we would rather not have them join us on the trip and how hurtful we are and completely ignore the deeper issue at hand. Soooo here is our thought- let me know if you all think this sounds good (you have been a lot of help so thanks!!!)...

DH is going to arrange lunch with my FIL who is a bit more objective and honest. He is going to point out the elephant in the room that has never been discussed- their dislike of my family- and he is going to tell his dad that this makes us very uncomfortable with the prospect of travelling together. He going to say all the things we discussed here....a later trip with them so they don't have to share DS and all of that jazz. He is going to point out that with how emotional/eratic MIL is we thought it would be best if we came to FIL first and perhaps he can suggest planning a trip with just us to MIL as it is completely understandable that he would not enjoying travelling with people he doesn't like. IF he does not want to do that my DH will inform him that this trip is with DW's family and we will let MIL know. We hope they understand and would love to plan another trip with them.

Then at another time we can get together with both of my IL and really express how much their snide comments and judgements of my family hurt us and will really hurt my DS in the future. Hopefully if FIL takes care of the trip issue maybe we will be able to work on the really issue at hand- their hurtful treatment of my family.

Thanks again to you all for all of the help and support!

This sounds like a great approach. I think the elephant in the room talk is long over due.

 

[mugsmax]

It's unfortunate you have to even deal with it

 

[Tenuviel]

This sounds like a great approach. I think the elephant in the room talk is long over due.

And according to my DS elephants sing "Tra la la la la!" So how we all ignore a singing elephant for so long is a mystery

 

[MickeyPalace]

The plan...so my DH and I have a game plan I feel good about.

DH is going to arrange lunch with my FIL who is a bit more objective and honest. He is going to point out the elephant in the room that has never been discussed- their dislike of my family- and he is going to tell his dad that this makes us very uncomfortable with the prospect of travelling together. He going to say all the things we discussed here....a later trip with them so they don't have to share DS and all of that jazz. He is going to point out that with how emotional/eratic MIL is we thought it would be best if we came to FIL first and perhaps he can suggest planning a trip with just us to MIL as it is completely understandable that he would not enjoying travelling with people he doesn't like. IF he does not want to do that my DH will inform him that this trip is with DW's family and we will let MIL know. We hope they understand and would love to plan another trip with them.

Then at another time we can get together with both of my IL and really express how much their snide comments and judgements of my family hurt us and will really hurt my DS in the future. Hopefully if FIL takes care of the trip issue maybe we will be able to work on the really issue at hand- their hurtful treatment of my family.

Thanks again to you all for all of the help and support!

Wow, this thread strikes a chord. I've been struggling with being the "evil daughter-in-law" for 20 years, and really don't have anyone else in my life that shares the experience. Things started getting better for me the day I realized that no matter what I did or ever do, it will never be right. Everything I do, even with the best of intentions, is filtered and interpreted in the worst possible light. And it has nothing to do with me! What an epiphany! When I finally realized that, it freed me up to do exactly what I wanted to do, and to lose the "need to please" that had been driving me for years, and getting me nowhere. I set boundaries around myself and around my family (like, my DH knows that we would NEVER vacation with his mom--he knows he'd have to nip that in the bud immediately ).

You're on the exact right track with your game plan. Hopefully it will facilitate a conversation that may actually improve things down the road. The conversation you're having with your husband right now will help set up boundaries for the future that will make things easier for your family.

In the best of all worlds, things may improve with your IL's when you have "the" conversation. I don't think it would work at all with my MIL--can't even imagine the conversation, really. She's very passive aggressive--nice to my face and very mean-spirited behind my back so I don't think it would get very far. I try to remember that she doesn't really know me (even after 20 years of living together in the same town) and that she just doesn't know a better way to experience life, but really, it still hurts a lot sometimes.

Wishing you the best and a very WONDERFUL, peaceful, relaxing vacation for your family.

 

[clutter]

1) MIL has a big mouth and would probably spoil the surprise for DD

There's your out! You can't tell you MIL because you decided to totally surprise your dd with the trip!!!!! No one can know except for those going!

(I did that with my dd. Picked her up at school for a "dentist appointment" one day!)

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

First, I was reading this and thinking of a thread I had seen, I thought you'd all enjoy... (Post # 1439)

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1777391&page=96



I struggled with MIL issues for years. I tolerated it, not wanting to put my DH in a bad situation. He often defended me but it didn't really change. Several years ago he had it, and severed all ties with his family. I never asked him to, he was not closely attached to them after a horrific childhood, but I never wanted it to be because I asked hm to. He made the decision on his own because of the treatment to him, our children and me. He has no regrets, other then the family he was dealt, but it still is not easy to not have much family. I am an only and DH had a brother who passed away 15 years ago so our kids have no extended family, but we agreed that their limited grandparents who deeply love them were fine and it was best not to have toxic people in their lives.

It is sad to hear others in similar situations. Best of luck working out a happy solution for your family...

 

[alexandria674]

If your vacation is in a while, then maybe they will just forget about it..if you are lucky. Seriously, your DH should talk to them, if you do it, it will probably be a big problem. You deal with your parents and he should deal with his. You have been planning this for a while and who know when you can do this again? Don't let this mar your memories of the trip. Your DH should talk to them politely about it.

 

[alexandria674]

If your vacation is in a while, then maybe they will just forget about it..if you are lucky. Seriously, your DH should talk to them, if you do it, it will probably be a big problem. You deal with your parents and he should deal with his. You have been planning this for a while and who know when you can do this again? Don't let this mar your memories of the trip. Your DH should talk to them politely about it, not only about this trip but the way they act all together.

 

[Tenuviel]

First, I was reading this and thinking of a thread I had seen, I thought you'd all enjoy... (Post # 1439)

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1777391&page=96

LOVE IT!!!!!!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

The plan...so my DH and I have a game plan I feel good about.

We both decided that if we talked them about the trip AND the treatment of my family (and to a less extent, their treatment of me at times) together my MIL will latch on to our telling them we would rather not have them join us on the trip and how hurtful we are and completely ignore the deeper issue at hand. Soooo here is our thought- let me know if you all think this sounds good (you have been a lot of help so thanks!!!)...

DH is going to arrange lunch with my FIL who is a bit more objective and honest. He is going to point out the elephant in the room that has never been discussed- their dislike of my family- and he is going to tell his dad that this makes us very uncomfortable with the prospect of travelling together. He going to say all the things we discussed here....a later trip with them so they don't have to share DS and all of that jazz. He is going to point out that with how emotional/eratic MIL is we thought it would be best if we came to FIL first and perhaps he can suggest planning a trip with just us to MIL as it is completely understandable that he would not enjoying travelling with people he doesn't like. IF he does not want to do that my DH will inform him that this trip is with DW's family and we will let MIL know. We hope they understand and would love to plan another trip with them.

Then at another time we can get together with both of my IL and really express how much their snide comments and judgements of my family hurt us and will really hurt my DS in the future. Hopefully if FIL takes care of the trip issue maybe we will be able to work on the really issue at hand- their hurtful treatment of my family.

Thanks again to you all for all of the help and support!

Here's my take. The vacation and the way the IL's treat your family are two different issues. I'd treat it as such. They will take the two together as a crushing blow (I imagine) and it will be harder to bridge a relationship later.

I'd address the vacation first. I'd just tell them flat out this vacation has been planned and you would like to talk about a vacation they can take with you instead of going on this one. I'd discuss things that you like mutually and come up with a common ground. Tell them a vacation with just them will provide more time with their grandchild. Too many people on any vacation is not fun. Stay positive. Let them know it's coming from a good place.

The next time they are rude to your family, your DH should address it then. Keep it open ended. "Why did you say that?". Hold a mirror up so to speak so they can see and explain themselves. It will work itself out over time if you address it every time.

Good luck. It's no fun being in that situation. It can be worked out. Stay firm and positive!

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Anyone want my MIL? When we began to plan our WDW trip we asked them (the kids begged) to come along at least for some of the trip. FIL wanted to go, but only if MIL would go. MIL didn't want to be away for Christmas (so we said come after as we were there from the 23-2). Personally I don't think she wanted to go anywhere that FIL would be AND realized her knee may slow her down. Moral of the story...we had a GREAT trip ALONE!!!

 

[Tenuviel]

The next time they are rude to your family, your DH should address it then. Keep it open ended. "Why did you say that?". Hold a mirror up so to speak so they can see and explain themselves. It will work itself out over time if you address it every time.

Good luck. It's no fun being in that situation. It can be worked out. Stay firm and positive!

I think it will be important to make a conscious effort to address the rudeness as it happens. I think some of the times I/we are so shocked that I don't what to say. I just remembered one where they insulted my DH (he wasn't there for this).

It was my baby shower. My MIL quilts and had made a quilt her granddaughter AND for her step-granddaughter that she barely sees. I open up my package from her and it is a quilt she made years ago, which my DH was actually a bit offended by since she had made quilts special for the other grandchildren, but my first thought was- how special, this was hand made by DS's grandma. It had a sheep fabric with mostly white sheep and a few scattered black sheep. My MIL annouces to all of my family and friends at the shower: "I decided not to make one for you guys because the black sheep on this quilt reminded me of Stuart." I was like, ummmmmm, wow, I am pregnant and emotional and maybe I am taking this wrong. But everyone else there heard the same thing- her calling my DH the black sheep of the family!!!! Of course looking back I wish I would of said, "He is the black sheep....he is the only one you didn't $#% up!!!" UGH

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think it will be important to make a conscious effort to address the rudeness as it happens. I think some of the times I/we are so shocked that I don't what to say. I just remembered one where they insulted my DH (he wasn't there for this).

It was my baby shower. My MIL quilts and had made a quilt her granddaughter AND for her step-granddaughter that she barely sees. I open up my package from her and it is a quilt she made years ago, which my DH was actually a bit offended by since she had made quilts special for the other grandchildren, but my first thought was- how special, this was hand made by DS's grandma. It had a sheep fabric with mostly white sheep and a few scattered black sheep. My MIL annouces to all of my family and friends at the shower: "I decided not to make one for you guys because the black sheep on this quilt reminded me of Stuart." I was like, ummmmmm, wow, I am pregnant and emotional and maybe I am taking this wrong. But everyone else there heard the same thing- her calling my DH the black sheep of the family!!!! Of course looking back I wish I would of said, "He is the black sheep....he is the only one you didn't $#% up!!!" UGH

I'm like you, when I'm shocked I'm often times stunned silent. That's when having in mind some things to say comes in handy. For something like that, saying something like, "What do you mean?", puts the focus and heat back on her. It won't make you look bad, but it will put her in an uncomfortable position to explain her insult.

Your MIL .

 

[disykat]

Are you sure there wasn't another story - like DH loving black sheep when he was a kid? If not, that's awful!

 

[roscoepc1]

I think it will be important to make a conscious effort to address the rudeness as it happens. I think some of the times I/we are so shocked that I don't what to say. I just remembered one where they insulted my DH (he wasn't there for this).

It was my baby shower. My MIL quilts and had made a quilt her granddaughter AND for her step-granddaughter that she barely sees. I open up my package from her and it is a quilt she made years ago, which my DH was actually a bit offended by since she had made quilts special for the other grandchildren, but my first thought was- how special, this was hand made by DS's grandma. It had a sheep fabric with mostly white sheep and a few scattered black sheep. My MIL annouces to all of my family and friends at the shower: "I decided not to make one for you guys because the black sheep on this quilt reminded me of Stuart." I was like, ummmmmm, wow, I am pregnant and emotional and maybe I am taking this wrong. But everyone else there heard the same thing- her calling my DH the black sheep of the family!!!! Of course looking back I wish I would of said, "He is the black sheep....he is the only one you didn't $#% up!!!" UGH

I hope that Christmas you bought her a sweater with a female dog on it. Should be self-explanatory, the way she thinks!

 

[MickeyPalace]

I'm like you, when I'm shocked I'm often times stunned silent. That's when having in mind some things to say comes in handy. For something like that, saying something like, "What do you mean?", puts the focus and heat back on her. It won't make you look bad, but it will put her in an uncomfortable position to explain her insult.

Your MIL .

Good point. I almost never say anything; I'm always shocked that she's saying what she does--and always conscious of being "polite" even when rude things are being said. I'm a very non-confrontational person, which I think hasn't served me very well, because I've done a lot of silent seething in a 20-year time span. Next time I think I'll take your advice, and just -politely-- stop her and ask what she means. Hope I can remember it when it happens next!

 

[2poohbears]

I hope that Christmas you bought her a sweater with a female dog on it. Should be self-explanatory, the way she thinks!

oh, that is GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

I hope things work out after your dh talks with FIL. I agree that confronting both issues at the same time might be too much. You should both agree that in the future, any time they are insulting dh WILL call them on it. It's the only way they will stop doing it, IMO.

 

[theatermouse]

Can I join this ever-growing club??

My husband's mother (won't even call her my MIL) gave him up when he was 6-weeks old, his grandparents adopted him & he had very little contact with her growing up. His father also is very non-existent. His mom told him a few years ago that now that he's grown, she wants him around so he can do things for her. WTH?? She does nothing to stay in contact with us, cards, letters, gifts, but when she comes to visit (from CO) she demands to be seen and/or to take our son for the day. While we have to suffer through a visit, she hasn't taken our son, nor will she ever. My husband has said to me so many times that he doesn't care to see her, but when she comes out here, he will accomodate her. I don't understand it. I get fired up just thinking about it all. She's the type that when we've sent pictures to her that we've had done, she demands a bigger size. I send her wallets because that's usually what I have left. I give the bigger photos to those who do stuff for us & our son throughout the year, whether it's money, gifts, or babysitting. My husband's mother does none of the above, or stays in any kind of contact, yet expects better. She's lucky I send her any at all, especially when I don't like her!

So yeah, I'm a bad husband's wife. I don't refer to my husband's family as my in-laws in conversation because I can't stand them so much. My husband even admits openly that he'd rather spend time with my mom & her husband than his own parents. Too bad my mom's in PA!

Good luck with your situation, OP. I'd never have let it get that far, but I'm also very outspoken and don't care to keep the peace. I'd rather have it done right, than done comfortably. If they don't like it, tough. AARGH to them.