I could cry!!!! In-law troubles!!!!

[roscoepc1]

Can I join? I quit the Christmas gift exchange and now we don't get invited for Christmas OR Thanksgiving! LOL

Rofl! I got accused of "rigging" ours! That was by bil's mistress...er...um...I mean...fiancee-for-10-years-with-no-wedding-date-in-sight

So then I refused to coordinate it, and it D.I.E.D. right there! Not surprising, considering that was only the final straw in YEARS of aggravation! No one else wanted to even try!

 

[roscoepc1]

How's this for our t-shirts?

http://www.dizpins.com/archives/images/2006junepics/minnie_evil_queen_062606.jpg

 

[Vijoge]

So, MIL and FIL said that Faith and DH were welcome at their house, but until I admitted I lied, I am not welcome.

And the "I Have the Worst In-Laws in the World" award goes to . . .drum roll please. . . .

mom2faith!

Gotta ask-does your DH visit them without you and does he take your daughter?

 

[Tenuviel]

Maybe, just maybe, he thought his parents might want to spend some time at WDW with their grandchildren. Just a thought. After all, these are his parents

I can say with 100% certainty this is not the case. If he wanted them to go he would have talked to me about it and would not have gone behind my back and put me in this position. Not to mention our two fams together stresses him out too. Trust me, when he told me about this isn't wasn't "oh gee I would really like them to go" it was "oh no, but I don't know if I can tell them no."

 

[mjmoon]

Playing devils advocate too... I think they just want to see your son's reactions to being in Disney.

I think you may be on to something here. Without getting into a long story here I can tell you that in the BEST of relationships between inlaws.. blending families at Disney can become stressful and feelings get hurt. My inlaws took us on our boys first trip to Disney. They always got along well with my sister and her DH and seemed okay with me asking them along. My sister and BIL had their own ressies and a lot of their own plans. Where the tension came in was when in the excitement of arriving at DW I blanked that my sister wanted to be present when my boys looked at the castle for the first time. We were at dinner when my sister expressed how hurt she was that we went to the MK without her that first day and I felt like a total heal. I started to cry because I realized how hurtful that was to my sister. This pissed my MIL off to no end because she felt like my sister had no business turning a beautiful experience (because it was a magical experience to see the look on their faces) into a guilt trip on me. Of course at this point my MIL bit her tongue the rest of the vacation to keep the peace and actually kind of avoided the stuff we had planned with my sister. I felt the tension (but didn't find out until much later that is what was going on) and was stressed the entire week. In the end I felt terrible for inviting my sister at all because of all the hurt feelings. First from my sister for feeling left out, then from me for leaving her out, to my mother in law, who just wanted to give her grandchildren a wonderful first Disney experience.

I think that separating trips is the only way to handle situations like this. I really like the idea of having them meet you later in the trip and spending "alone" time with them. It's a win/win..

 

[mom2faith]

How's this for our t-shirts?

http://www.dizpins.com/archives/images/2006junepics/minnie_evil_queen_062606.jpg

Just change that pumpkin to a pitchfork and I am in!!

Proud Member of E.D.I.L.C. (Evil Daughter In Law Corporation)

Sorry for this, but I actually like hearing other people's evil in-law stories, makes me feel not as alone

 

[mom2faith]

Mom2faith----OMG!!!! I cannot believe that!!!! Here's a good one for you. My aunt and uncle see my son maybe twice a month. He is in the shy phase and will cry when they try to hold him, etc. My MIL found out we were going over there for dinner one night when she wanted us to come over and started crying to my DH claiming that Logan was going to think my aunt and uncle were his grandparents- not my IL. Ummmm okay lady----my DH actually laughed at her that time. Seriously- where did these crazy people come from?!?!?!?

That is so sad! I cannot believe they are so self-absorbed to think that their grandson would not know his grandparents!!

And she NEVER accepted our disabled son, until he died, then she got to play the part of the loving, grieving Grandma.

That is disgusting!! I am so sorry for that!!

And the "I Have the Worst In-Laws in the World" award goes to . . .drum roll please. . . .

mom2faith!

Gotta ask-does your DH visit them without you and does he take your daughter?

Aww!! You are sweet. And the answer to your question is no, the dog incident was the last straw. This is when DH "manned up", put his foot down and said either you accept all 3 of us or none of us. As I said before, we have not heard from them since (this was said shortly after Christmas).

Oh well, if proving a point over a dog is worth giving up your grandchild, than I am not certain you possess the type of influence I want in DD's life!!

OP - you should show your DH this thread. Maybe he will stand up once he sees you are not alone. Keep us posted.

 

[mom2faith]

I think you may be on to something here. Without getting into a long story here I can tell you that in the BEST of relationships between inlaws.. blending families at Disney can become stressful and feelings get hurt. My inlaws took us on our boys first trip to Disney. They always got along well with my sister and her DH and seemed okay with me asking them along. My sister and BIL had their own ressies and a lot of their own plans. Where the tension came in was when in the excitement of arriving at DW I blanked that my sister wanted to be present when my boys looked at the castle for the first time. We were at dinner when my sister expressed how hurt she was that we went to the MK without her that first day and I felt like a total heal. I started to cry because I realized how hurtful that was to my sister. This pissed my MIL off to no end because she felt like my sister had no business turning a beautiful experience (because it was a magical experience to see the look on their faces) into a guilt trip on me. Of course at this point my MIL bit her tongue the rest of the vacation to keep the peace and actually kind of avoided the stuff we had planned with my sister. I felt the tension (but didn't find out until much later that is what was going on) and was stressed the entire week. In the end I felt terrible for inviting my sister at all because of all the hurt feelings. First from my sister for feeling left out, then from me for leaving her out, to my mother in law, who just wanted to give her grandchildren a wonderful first Disney experience.

I think that separating trips is the only way to handle situations like this. I really like the idea of having them meet you later in the trip and spending "alone" time with them. It's a win/win..

Why not go to MK for the first time just as a family - no grandparents. That way neither can get hurt.

We are planning to go with friends soon, they are hopefull joining us this trip, if not then next year. Anyway, their kids have never been and we have agreed that theri first few days are for them alone - as a family. They deserve to share those "firsts" together alone as a family. We are hoping to plan the trip so they are there alone for 2 to 3 days, we meet up for 2 to 3 days and then we stay an extra 2 to 3 days without them. That way we each get our alone time, and we get some time together too.

Other PPs have mentioned this, but what about an overlapping trip??

 

[Kallista]

A lot of these replies are making me laugh.

My mother is the evil MIL at our house. About a year after we were married, she came to visit my husband and I. We lived a few states away from "home." We don't drink and he asked her not to bring alcohol into our house. She did anyway, and he asked to take it out. Whe she refused to take it out, he threw it out. He was pretty calm, but she was extremely angry.

When she went home, she told my father and my uncles and my brothers and and both of grandmothers that my husband beat me. I fielded several phone calls about it. I think my dad and my uncles were planning a rescue party. My brother finally put a stop to the wife-beater rumor by reminding my dad that Dad gave me a handgun for graduation and I know how to use it.

 

[mom2faith]

A lot of these replies are making me laugh.

My mother is the evil MIL at our house. About a year after we were married, she came to visit my husband and I. We lived a few states away from "home." We don't drink and he asked her not to bring alcohol into our house. She did anyway, and he asked to take it out. Whe she refused to take it out, he threw it out. He was pretty calm, but she was extremely angry.

When she went home, she told my father and my uncles and my brothers and and both of grandmothers that my husband beat me. I fielded several phone calls about it. I think my dad and my uncles were planning a rescue party. My brother finally put a stop to the wife-beater rumor by reminding my dad that Dad gave me a handgun for graduation and I know how to use it.

 

[hopefor4]

I would tell my husband that he needs to sit them down and talk to them. He has to lay it on the line, and they either stay home, or promise to behave. They will also have to spend time on their own, while you are with your family, and vice versa. If you don't think they can behave, you DH will have to tell them, sorry not this time.

Don't let it ruin this for you! Nothing is more precious than seeing your sons eye light up with wonder at Disney...memories that last a life time!

 

[mjmoon]

Why not go to MK for the first time just as a family - no grandparents. That way neither can get hurt.

When I was 5 my parents moved us away from a huge extended family across the country. We did everything as immediate family. I never had the extended family bonds (with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) that so many other people enjoyed.

I want my kids to have these memories with extended family. I enjoy sharing these memories with them to. In fact, if I had any complaints at all, it's that we don't get to spend enough time with the grandparents and my sister and her H.

Also, grandma and grandpa took us to DW. It was a gift from them to us. There is no way I ever would have asked them not to be there.. nor would I have wanted them not to come.

We will take trips with my sister and BIL and will continue to with the inlaws as well. I just don't think I will attempt to blend us all again. Too many people wanting to do too many different things.. it's so hard to plan that way.

 

[rodeo65]

Sadly, they are never going to accept me, and I am OK with that. But they forget that Faith (DD) is 1/2 me. So whether they like it or not, if they want her in their lives, they are stuck with me. I am fine with this, it is easier to let go then to go through the repeated hurt - KWIM?

For example at Christmas DH got an Ipod with speakers, several shirts and a gift card. DD got tons of toys and clothes. I got a sweater (that did not fit). I mean, it is so blatent!! If they think that Faith has not caught on, they are mistaken. She knows that Gramme does not like Mommy. Anyways, every Christmas was like this. And everytime we went over there something was said to hurt me. You say you are strong, and you try not to let it hurt, but deep down, it does. Especially when you really have done nothing to deserve it.

As far as daughter-in-laws go, I thought I was pretty awesome. I made her a quilt for her anniversary with pictures of all her boys, their birthdays and other important dates, wedding photos, etc. Hand-cut, hand-quilted...she opened it and said "James' birthday is wrong". I offered to fix it and she said no. We have never seen it since. (BTW - I got DH to review it several times to ensure I had everything correct, he missed the error too, but is it his fault, nope it is all mine).

My point is, not having them around is actually better for us. We fight less, I am happier and I am not getting hurt all the time. I also do not have to worry about what they are saying to DD about me and my family. Yeah, it is hard, but it really was their choice. If they phoned us tomorrow and said they wanted to reconcile, we would (with some conditions). But, I kind of hope they don't - KWIM?

I really wish you good luck. Your situation sucks!! But sadly, it is in your DHs hands as to what you are going to do. for you!! I know this is putting a terrible strain on your marriage!!

Oh, and I just have to tell you what the final straw was - it is kind of funny!!

At the end of last year, MIL was looking after DD. I came to pick DD up and they were in the backyard. I called out and no one heard, so I just went in the yard. MIL's stupid dog, a bichon-****zu (sp??) came at me and bit me, tore my jeans and drew blood. I tried to remain clam but I was pissed!! I left, and called the Health Line to make sure I did not need shots. I did have to go in just in case but, thankfully did not need the shots.

Anyhoo, DH calls his dad to talk about this saying Shasta is a bad dog and he is concerned about her being around the children (keep in mind while at the hospital they tried to get us to report the dog to the SPCA, but we refused thinking MIL and FIL would deal with it appropriately). Well, FIL threw us for a loop when he said that the dog "alledgedly" bit me and that no one was actually there to see it. Are you kidding?!?!?! The dog drew blood and tore my jeans!! Why would I lie about that??

FIL and MIL decided it was an attempt for me to take Faith away from them once and for all. DH was actually laughing thinking they were kidding - but they weren't. We took photos of my jeans and the bite, but nope - they said I jabbed myself with a pen and tore my jeans myself. Huh?? I did this on the off chance that the dog would come at me so I could blame the dog??

So, MIL and FIL said that Faith and DH were welcome at their house, but until I admitted I lied, I am not welcome. That was it. Like I said fine by me.

I also have a MIL that re-writes reality to suit her. Fortunately, DH has always stood OUR ground with his parents. We did not see or speak to them for five years because they would not admit their attitudes (like crying when told I was pregnant and saying they had lost their son when we got married and would never see their grandchild - this was after I always went out of my way to do nice things for them).

Recently, however Dh realized that he felt too guilty without seeing them and re-established a relationship. I am supportive of his decision (regardless of how I feel about it) but there are definite rules between the two of us. It's new territory and I don't know how it will turn out in the end. DH always had a troubled relationship with them and it was not the first period of non-contact, just the first since meeting me. I suspect there will be another blow out someday, but for now I just smile sweetly and hold my thoughts to myself.

 

[polynor]

Good luck on your situation -- seems like one you "fell" into. Hopefully though you'll be able to resolve it with a long term solution for everyone's relationship.

In relative terms, I get along well with my ILs but only because I try to completely ignore when they get "hurt" by something I or DH did or did not do (for instance, i forgot to say goodbye to them when they left really early in the morning after visiting and i had worked really late in the lab the night before). Usually when they get hurt, they'll get passive/aggressive or give us the silent treatment. heck -- what do i care about the silent treatment!

I can relate about DH spilling beans with unintended consequences. He mentioned that we had written our wills and named my sis as a guardian. they were extremely hurt and now has revisited the decision to the point where we haven't finalized them. I figure, if we're gone, we're gone and then they'll really get the silent treatment.

 

[fussymonkey]

He has to lay it on the line, and they either stay home, or promise to behave. They will also have to spend time on their own, while you are with your family, and vice versa.

I got to tell ya, I totally disagree with this advice. You don't owe anyone your vacation or any alterations to your vacation plans. You do not owe your IL's vacation time with your DS. They earn that- and they haven't. Trying to find some way they could come with you is just asking for disaster. What makes you think they'd stick to the plans or not get all hurt over some stupid little thing.

I have a great relationship with half my ILs (the problem with divorce, someday your kids spouses have two sets of ILs! My DH's mom and step dad are awesome). In any case the ONLY conflict I've had with DMIL was on a weekend trip to Niagara Falls. DD was 12 mo and she was eating crackers at breakfast and MIL started crying and saying we are ruining her by allowing her to eat crackers instead of forcing her to eat eggs, etc. I was so pissed at the melodrama. After that I realized I will never, ever, ever travel with her again.

Anyway a girlfriend of mine was in your situation and she just basically made her DH tell them, nope sorry we've already planned this as together time with DW's fam. His parents weren't happy, but oh well. Seriously, how arrogant and rude to invite yourself along on someone else's family trip!?!?

 

[Tenuviel]

Seriously, how arrogant and rude to invite yourself along on someone else's family trip!?!?

This was my thought too!!!! I would never even think to invite myself on a trip with someone!

 

[Tenuviel]

When I was 5 my parents moved us away from a huge extended family across the country. We did everything as immediate family. I never had the extended family bonds (with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) that so many other people enjoyed.

I want my kids to have these memories with extended family. I enjoy sharing these memories with them to. In fact, if I had any complaints at all, it's that we don't get to spend enough time with the grandparents and my sister and her H.

Also, grandma and grandpa took us to DW. It was a gift from them to us. There is no way I ever would have asked them not to be there.. nor would I have wanted them not to come.

We will take trips with my sister and BIL and will continue to with the inlaws as well. I just don't think I will attempt to blend us all again. Too many people wanting to do too many different things.. it's so hard to plan that way.

MJMOON- I am glad you addressed this. I love going to Disney with my family, we have been doing it for years and although my DH and I are paying as much as we can- my parents have been saving up to pay whatever extra we may need so we can all go together. Just as if my DH's family offered to take us on a trip I wouldn't tell them my parents are coming too OR you will have to send us by ourselves in order for things to be fair.

I am not going to stop having those cherished memories at Disney with my family because my DH's family has jealousy issue. Especially since I am totally willing to make cherished memories with DH's family at another date.

 

[Tenuviel]

The plan...so my DH and I have a game plan I feel good about.

We both decided that if we talked them about the trip AND the treatment of my family (and to a less extent, their treatment of me at times) together my MIL will latch on to our telling them we would rather not have them join us on the trip and how hurtful we are and completely ignore the deeper issue at hand. Soooo here is our thought- let me know if you all think this sounds good (you have been a lot of help so thanks!!!)...

DH is going to arrange lunch with my FIL who is a bit more objective and honest. He is going to point out the elephant in the room that has never been discussed- their dislike of my family- and he is going to tell his dad that this makes us very uncomfortable with the prospect of travelling together. He going to say all the things we discussed here....a later trip with them so they don't have to share DS and all of that jazz. He is going to point out that with how emotional/eratic MIL is we thought it would be best if we came to FIL first and perhaps he can suggest planning a trip with just us to MIL as it is completely understandable that he would not enjoying travelling with people he doesn't like. IF he does not want to do that my DH will inform him that this trip is with DW's family and we will let MIL know. We hope they understand and would love to plan another trip with them.

Then at another time we can get together with both of my IL and really express how much their snide comments and judgements of my family hurt us and will really hurt my DS in the future. Hopefully if FIL takes care of the trip issue maybe we will be able to work on the really issue at hand- their hurtful treatment of my family.

Thanks again to you all for all of the help and support!

 

[andysgirl360]

I've been reading this thread since the beginning - can I join the evil DIL club?

My MIL is the queen of inviting herself along - many times we have mentioned something we have planned (an outing with just DH DD and I, a family dinner on my side of the family etc) only to be met with "Oh that sounds great, I'd love to come!" In the beginning I used to get flustered and give in, but now I just completely ignore what she says, as if I didn't hear it. I think she is jealous of us spending time with my family - when we visit our hometown we always make time to see her, but I also like DH, DD and I spending time with just my family too. MIL has a tendency to "take over" when DD is around, and no one else can get to spend any one-on-one with her. It's all about 'look at me, I'm such a fantastic Grandma, look what I bought DD". That is why I keep the mixing of both families limited to something big, like DD's birthday. DH and I do not share the same religion so holidays are a non-issue, thank goodness. Though MIL gives strong hints EVERY year that she wants to come to my aunt's house for dinner for xmas. We even got the "lecture" from my SIL as to why couldn't we take MIL along. That was really aggravating. I have not given in on this because if I do it once, she will take it for granted that she is invited every year. The kicker is that my parents are totally cool - no pressure, no demands, they actually don't mind inviting my MIL along to things, but DH and I would prefer to see her separately.

But I may have the same problem in Dec 2009 that Tenuviel is having now - we've got a WDW trip planned with my parents, who have never been to Disney. We've told no one in the family about it, because 1) MIL has a big mouth and would probably spoil the surprise for DD and 2) she'd probably either invite herself, or sulk about not being invited. The reality is, she has absolutely no money to pay for a trip like this, my parents are paying their own way and we are paying for ours, and we can't afford to pay for her. I don't want her getting into debt for this trip (and she is the type of person that would think nothing of spending everything on her trip and then not having enough money for bills later on), and even more, I would never travel with her, even if it was free. We don't have the same touring styles at all, and I know that it would be a frustrating trip. We had a taste of traveling with her last summer and DH and I both said 'NEVER at WDW". We'll probably only tell MIL we are leaving on this trip just a couple of weeks before. Sadly we only tell her about our any of our plans at the last minute, because she just gets ideas and tries to figure out ways to invite herself. Unfortunately, every time DH, DD or I mention our past Disney trips she always says "Oh I'd LOVE to go to Disney someday".....so I am really wondering what she will say about this one.

Can I have my pitchfork and t-shirt now?

 

[mom2faith]

I also have a MIL that re-writes reality to suit her. Fortunately, DH has always stood OUR ground with his parents. We did not see or speak to them for five years because they would not admit their attitudes (like crying when told I was pregnant and saying they had lost their son when we got married and would never see their grandchild - this was after I always went out of my way to do nice things for them).

Recently, however Dh realized that he felt too guilty without seeing them and re-established a relationship. I am supportive of his decision (regardless of how I feel about it) but there are definite rules between the two of us. It's new territory and I don't know how it will turn out in the end. DH always had a troubled relationship with them and it was not the first period of non-contact, just the first since meeting me. I suspect there will be another blow out someday, but for now I just smile sweetly and hold my thoughts to myself.

Your story mirrors mine so much!!! We had no contact from shortly after the wedding until I was pregnant and then tried to play the "bigger person" role. Then, well...you all know the story now.

I hope things work out for your DH and his family, it is so sad when a mother and father cannot just behappy for their child. It puts your DH and all of our DHs in a horrible position - where they are almost forced to choose between their 2 families. For you - hope it all works out.

I've been reading this thread since the beginning - can I join the evil DIL club?

Can I have my pitchfork and t-shirt now?

YOU BET!! We will have to get donatalie to DISign us something