I caught my teen smoking! update post 68

[rie'smom]

I don't know. All I know is that my local news was doing a story on it and it showed people smoking them at work, at their desks.

I didn't pay that much attention to get the whole story.

http://www.intoxination.net/jamie/court-action-filed-against-fda-over-electronic-cigarettes

You can thank NJ's Frank Lautenberg:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/143429.php

 

[C.Ann]

http://www.intoxination.net/jamie/court-action-filed-against-fda-over-electronic-cigarettes

You can thank NJ's Frank Lautenberg:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/143429.php

--------------------

Interesting - but we can rush through a vaccine for H1N1 flu by July and then use U.S. citizens as the guinea pigs to find out if it's "safe"??

The FDA is either a "cover" - or wanting their "cut" in some way, shape, or form..

 

[Planogirl]

I just wanted to agree that there is no reason to be embarassed. Kids will do these things unfortunately but it's nothing to be ashamed about.

 

[MrsPete]

I don't think health consequences register with teens - you have to figure out what is important to her and emphasize how smoking can have and adverse effect on that.

Absolutely true. I'm thinking of my aunt and cousins, who watched their husband /father die inch by inch from lung cancer . . . yet my aunt continued to smoke, and most of the children in that large family took up the habit when they became teens. Just like no teen boy ever believes HE will be the one who'll get into a wreck (even though he drives too fast), and every teen girl knows that SHE will not be the one who'll get pregnant (even though she's taking no steps to prevent it), no teen smoker believes that cancer is something that can really happen to HIM. So you're absolutely right to focus on the things that matter to a teen IMMEDIATELY.

Start with the money - smoking is addictive, once you start smoking you basically are sucked in to turning over a significant portion of your income to the tobacco companies for the rest of your life (or until you quit) - so to prepare her for the life of a smoker - have her pay you the cost of one pack of cigarettes per day - this way you are helping her budget her money so she can truely assess what her new hobby is going to cost her.

I don't see how ANYONE, much less a teen, can afford to smoke! And what do you have to show for it? Nothing. Adding up the money is a great idea. Google together the facts about how smokers pay more for life insurance, sometimes health insurance, how they miss more days of work and spend more money on doctor visits. Figure up how much it'll cost per year. Figure up how much she'll likely make in her first year out of school. Let her see just what percentage of her income will be sucked up by this habit.

As for limiting the dating pool, I suspect that's not true: MANY, MANY, MANY girls start smoking because a certain boy already smokes, and they want to fit in with him. Or because the crowd with which they want to fit in is a smoking crowd. So while it is true that overall a smoker's going to have a limited dating pool, I'd try to figure out whether your daughter's not looking far afield, but is already fishing in a "smokey pond".

 

[aristocatz]

I did not read all of the responses, but I'm not sure her writing a report will allow it to sink in for someone that age. Honestly, I would take her on a visit to a hospital or nursing home and have her spend an hour with people with medical issues that stemmed from smoking.

 

[Mskanga]

I did not read all of the responses, but I'm not sure her writing a report will allow it to sink in for someone that age. Honestly, I would take her on a visit to a hospital or nursing home and have her spend an hour with people with medical issues that stemmed from smoking.

BINGO !!! Take her to a cancer center where people are getting chemo for lung cancer ....that will change her attitude big time.
I am sorry that you have to deal with this and I hope she comes to her senses soon.

 

[Shelton123]

BINGO !!! Take her to a cancer center where people are getting chemo for lung cancer ....that will change her attitude big time.
I am sorry that you have to deal with this and I hope she comes to her senses soon.

It's a bit naive to assume any teen, especially ones who smoke, would give a flying **** about their health, don't cha think?

 

[sigh]

There is more now:

This morning, I decided to read some of her texts (from 1 week ago, when she was not supposed to have her phone. She apparently snooped in our bedroom and found it hidden.) and there was a lot of stuff in there about sex. She says she is not active but I am not so sure now. It just seems like one thing after another this year. She has also been cutting herself. Luckily, it has been all superficial cuts, not too deep or serious.

We are told by many people: her teachers, her youth pastor, our family, etc. just how wonderful she is and how lucky we are. Well, I agree she really is wonderful and we are lucky - but she is certainly not behaving in a manner I approve.

I called her counselor and we are going to increase the number of sessions.
We are just really worried about her and really wonder what else to do.

 

[PatsMom]

Cutting is extremely serious behavior - makes the smoking seem kind of minor actually. Although both are pretty self-destructive things to do. I am glad that she has caring parents who are getting her counseling.

Have you talked to her counselor about possible in patient treatment?

 

[lovemygoofy]

There is more now:

This morning, I decided to read some of her texts (from 1 week ago, when she was not supposed to have her phone. She apparently snooped in our bedroom and found it hidden.) and there was a lot of stuff in there about sex. She says she is not active but I am not so sure now. It just seems like one thing after another this year. She has also been cutting herself. Luckily, it has been all superficial cuts, not too deep or serious.

We are told by many people: her teachers, her youth pastor, our family, etc. just how wonderful she is and how lucky we are. Well, I agree she really is wonderful and we are lucky - but she is certainly not behaving in a manner I approve. I called her counselor and we are going to increase the number of sessions.
We are just really worried about her and really wonder what else to do.

The part I bolded is what is interesting to me. Yes, I get you are unhappy about what has been going on but your daughter's behavior isn't about you or your approval. It's about her self destruction. She has a dad that doesn't want anything to do with her and a mom that has created a new family. Yes, I understand that you and your husband love her and she is part of the family but it still isn't the same.

She needs help and control of life in some fashion. The smoking and the cutting is it. I imagine if she is sexually active that comes into play with wanting control over a situation and trying to find love that she doesn't feel from her father. Very cliche some might some but also very true.

When you increase her counseling sessions, you might want to sit in on those with her. Find ways to make her feel in control of her life that aren't self destructive and listen to why she is doing this. Don't think of it as your daughter is engaging in activity you don't approve of. Think of it as your daughter is silently calling out for some support and help.

 

[sigh]

The part I bolded is what is interesting to me. Yes, I get you are unhappy about what has been going on but your daughter's behavior isn't about you or your approval. It's about her self destruction. She has a dad that doesn't want anything to do with her and a mom that has created a new family. Yes, I understand that you and your husband love her and she is part of the family but it still isn't the same.

She needs help and control of life in some fashion. The smoking and the cutting is it. I imagine if she is sexually active that comes into play with wanting control over a situation and trying to find love that she doesn't feel from her father. Very cliche some might some but also very true.

When you increase her counseling sessions, you might want to sit in on those with her. Find ways to make her feel in control of her life that aren't self destructive and listen to why she is doing this. Don't think of it as your daughter is engaging in activity you don't approve of. Think of it as your daughter is silently calling out for some support and help.

I do agree and understand what you are saying and I am planning on being in the sessions as well. I will also ask if my DH should attend as well. I do not see this as a teen vs. the parents issue.
I do not approve of this behavior BUT after working in a psychiatric hospital with teens for many years I certainly do understand she is looking for more support and we want to provide it!
She is not trying to hide the cutting behavior and the sexually explicit texts were not deleted. It seems she really "wants" to get caught and asking for help in that way.
I wish I could change her bio. father's behavior. It is so frustrating as a mother. I can not comprehend not wanting to be a part of your daughter's life.
My dd is a great kid - I am blessed to have her. I am just so worried for her.

 

[shortbun]

Where is she getting the money? Cigs are pricey. Cut off her finances.

P.S. I was in an AA meeting once when an addict (heroin, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine) gave a lead(talked about himself). He said the cigs were the hardest addiction to beat. Be firm. be kind and be her source of information and assistance.

eta: I just read the last pages of this thread. Cutting, sex and smoking equal: your daughter needs the help it seems you are getting her. She may continue to smoke for a while. I think that although it's destructive behavior, it's the least of your worries right now as the others could lead to more immediate trouble. Good luck and peace. I've seen kids come out of these things to lead very productive lives. No reason your daughter can't be one of those success stories!!!

 

[rie'smom]

There is more now:

This morning, I decided to read some of her texts (from 1 week ago, when she was not supposed to have her phone. She apparently snooped in our bedroom and found it hidden.) and there was a lot of stuff in there about sex. She says she is not active but I am not so sure now. It just seems like one thing after another this year. She has also been cutting herself. Luckily, it has been all superficial cuts, not too deep or serious.

We are told by many people: her teachers, her youth pastor, our family, etc. just how wonderful she is and how lucky we are. Well, I agree she really is wonderful and we are lucky - but she is certainly not behaving in a manner I approve.

I called her counselor and we are going to increase the number of sessions.
We are just really worried about her and really wonder what else to do.

Cutting is like eating disorders and usually results from a child feeling a lack of control over their lives. Counseling is great! If the counselor has not suggested it, I am recommending seeing a psychiatrist or family doctor for medication. It can help control the cutting while she is in therapy. The medicine is not necessarily a lifelong thing. I hate medication but in cases like your daughter's, it can be lifesaving.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There is more now:

This morning, I decided to read some of her texts (from 1 week ago, when she was not supposed to have her phone. She apparently snooped in our bedroom and found it hidden.) and there was a lot of stuff in there about sex. She says she is not active but I am not so sure now. It just seems like one thing after another this year. She has also been cutting herself. Luckily, it has been all superficial cuts, not too deep or serious.

We are told by many people: her teachers, her youth pastor, our family, etc. just how wonderful she is and how lucky we are. Well, I agree she really is wonderful and we are lucky - but she is certainly not behaving in a manner I approve.

I called her counselor and we are going to increase the number of sessions.
We are just really worried about her and really wonder what else to do.

I didn't say it earlier however when if I caught my teen smoking I am going thru her room with a fine tooth comb (while she was out of the house, and no warning at all beforehand) and then she would be hit with a surprise drug test on top of that.

Then a trip to the gyno or Walgreens to get supplies and have some serious sex discussions.

I would consider sitting down with your dd and be candid about the counselor she is seeing. The counselor may not be a "fit" for your dd. I would most certainly think seriously about how she is progressing. Don't be afraid to make a change if you know that the person she is seeing is not helping.

If my dd were to complain about the invasion of privacy, I will my answer I give to my girls.....

My job as your parent is to secure your health and safety. When you cross the line then I am going to be in your business because clearly you need help. Said it many times, hard to argue that logic with your teen.

That is just my 2 cents.

 

[sigh]

Thank you all.
I am definitely going after work to Wal-green's for a pregnancy test, just in case and we are going to have another discussion tonight.

Shortbun, she had some left over allowance, apparently but now it is gone and she is not receiving any more funds.

Mystery Machine, I like the way you think! I agree about going through her room and my husband did that this morning. Found nothing but we are certainly there to protect her - especially from herself!

 

[cats7494]

You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[merekc]

Good Luck! I know these are the sort of things all of us parents dread having to face.

Unfortunately, I believe (this is my opinion) that a lot of it is choice. She is choosing to smoke (and to disobey your rules). Until she decides that she doesn't want to be a smoker than I'm not sure how effective all your interventions will be. (Before I get flamed - I am in no way saying that you can't become addicted to smoking, or addicted to the act of having something to do with your hands and mouth. I do think that a teen just starting is probably not addicted).

In your situation, I do believe that this coupled with the cutting does indicate more than just a typical experimenting teen and you are right to be seeking counseling.

My DH grew up in a home with two smokers. He hated it and has never smoked once. He is very anti-smoking.

I grew up in a home with two non-smokers. I tried smoking as a kid with friends. I chose not to continue. Occassionaly through college I might smoke when out drinking, but again I was never a smoker. It doesn't interest me and I'm too cheap. I've had opportunity, but I choose not to smoke.

I don't know if that helps you at all. My DH has big plans to have discussions when our boys are older about sex, drugs, smoking, alchol etc. We joke (for lack of a better word) about the manual our boys are going to get. Having taken medical classes he plans to include the most graphic and gross pictures he can find to (hopefully) help them make the right choices in life.

On another note, I think the anti-smoking campaigns have done some great commercials over the years. You can probably find them on youtube. A very effective one that I have remembered over the years is the Cowboy singing through his electronic trach voice "You don't always die from tobacco." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRHvZazd4IM

This one might appeal to a teenage girl.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YjrkBYDDQM&feature=related

 

[sigh]

After talking with her some more, DD decided she wanted to attend a JEL (just eliminate lies) summit in June. If you are unaware, it is a teen based group that rallies against smoking and tobacco companies. She applied for the summit by writing a short essay and a poem and she was accepted.

Basically, I have tried very hard to spend more time with her and listen to her. As parents, we all know it is easy to get caught up in the day to day life of work, chores, etc...

That is basically all for now - we are just trying to be there for her.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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