I can't work this girl out at all...what does your experience tell you?
- Thread starter StuZioCardyni
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Liberty Belle
<font color=green>I was going to reply, but I see
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This reminds me of something my husband would say.
We'll be having a nice time and I'm happy, loving, etc. Then, he'll say something that is rude, hurtful, etc and I'll get quiet and a little miffed. THEN he says I'm crazy because "one minute I'm happy and loving and the next I'm ticked off." He never takes into consideration that he may have said or done something that ticks me off.
I'm not sure if this is the case with your friend, but it could be. Also, maybe she is wanting more from you and annoyed that you're not "making a move."
We'll be having a nice time and I'm happy, loving, etc. Then, he'll say something that is rude, hurtful, etc and I'll get quiet and a little miffed. THEN he says I'm crazy because "one minute I'm happy and loving and the next I'm ticked off." He never takes into consideration that he may have said or done something that ticks me off.
I'm not sure if this is the case with your friend, but it could be. Also, maybe she is wanting more from you and annoyed that you're not "making a move."
StuZioCardyni
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yeah i've thought through everything, if i said something wrong i dont have a clue what it was lol
nest time she's happy i'm gonna deal with this, when she's in a better mood to talk...and i'll take it from there , who knows...just put a downer on my evening lst night and I didn't really sleep thinking things over so now i'm really tired too
nest time she's happy i'm gonna deal with this, when she's in a better mood to talk...and i'll take it from there , who knows...just put a downer on my evening lst night and I didn't really sleep thinking things over so now i'm really tired too
Kurby
All the adversity I've had in my life, all my trou
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maybe she's confused about her own feelings. you guys are friends and she feels something and then she thinks no we're friends
what do you have to loose if you sit with her and have a heart to heart. tell her you've been friends for how many years and lately you've been getting different feelings and vibes when they hang out. sometimes it's like you are friends and sometimes it feels more. then ask her if she is getting the same feelings/vibes.
if you are both mature enough to handle the relationship you should be mature enough to have the conversation. if she doesn't have those feelings it could be awkward but at least you know and can still have her as a friend but maybe eventually start looking for someone who can give you more in a relationship.
good luck with whatever decision you make.
what do you have to loose if you sit with her and have a heart to heart. tell her you've been friends for how many years and lately you've been getting different feelings and vibes when they hang out. sometimes it's like you are friends and sometimes it feels more. then ask her if she is getting the same feelings/vibes.
if you are both mature enough to handle the relationship you should be mature enough to have the conversation. if she doesn't have those feelings it could be awkward but at least you know and can still have her as a friend but maybe eventually start looking for someone who can give you more in a relationship.
good luck with whatever decision you make.
StuZioCardyni
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I'm not sure she's mature enough to deal with the convo but I think it needs to be had! She said she wants to go to the movies on Wednesday so I might take her for food first and see what happens.
i'll keep u posted
i'll keep u posted
Why are you waiting so long to ask her out? She's probably put off by the fact that all you do is flirt and never have taken any action towards dating her. I mean, really, how much encouragement does a guy need? Six months???!!!???! Geesh! I'd be standoffish and be talking to other people on my phone too. Seems you don't appear to be interested. Want her to flirt with you forever?
Seriously, take the initiative, you have nothing to lose. Seems you're expecting her to be wild and high energy all the time and for what-just in case you decide to show up where she is?StuZioCardyni
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Na it's not like that...
for the longest time I would never have expected anything to happen between us so it's a slightly different situation...I don't expect her to flirt I just don't deal with extreme mood swings well, because you never know where you stand.
It was just frustration coming out yesterday I feel much better today
Gonna sort it all anyways
for the longest time I would never have expected anything to happen between us so it's a slightly different situation...I don't expect her to flirt I just don't deal with extreme mood swings well, because you never know where you stand.
It was just frustration coming out yesterday I feel much better today
Gonna sort it all anyways
StuZioCardyni
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no it was perfect and there was ice cream lol 
threeboysmom
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I was thinking the EXACT same thing. My mood can change from happy to cold in a second... and it doesn't take much at all. My DH will have NO CLUE what set me off. Sometimes *I* don't even know!
If she's pms'ing, I'm willing to bet that's what is going on. You probably said or did something very slight that you're not even aware of, but to her, in her hormonal state, became a huge thing.
You're just going to have to talk it out with her. And she needs to learn to communicate better if the two of you decide to pursue a relationship (as I am learning too...)
NHdisneylover
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So for the last six months you and she have been flirting and sort of, almost, but not quite, moved from friends? And you invited her for dinner at your place? And she was happy, bubbly, flirty and fun for the first hour? During dinner you never made a move to go beyond the "maybe we are more maybe we are not stage" and THEN the latter part of the evening she was cold and standoffish? To me that sounds like she was thinking IF there was more than friends there and she was flirty and obviously open to the possiblity that you would finally make your move at this dinner ("date") you had prepared for her. Just the two of you, alone at your house, etc. You never made a move and she was hurt. Part pissed at you for not doing so and part pissed at herself for thinking something was there when obviously (to her) it is not (becuase if it were you would have SAID something by now) so she is "protecting" herself by shutting down. 6 months of flirting with no other move from you may well seem to her like you are toying with her emotions.
The other possibilty is that she is a natural "flirt" and only means to be friendly but flirts anyway in a friendly way not meaning for it to go anywhere. Then she sees you thinking it may MEAN somehting and shee pulls up quick so as not to lead you on.
You probably both need to communicate better. Your older and have been in more relationships so take the lead--man up and sit down and tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels.
The other possibilty is that she is a natural "flirt" and only means to be friendly but flirts anyway in a friendly way not meaning for it to go anywhere. Then she sees you thinking it may MEAN somehting and shee pulls up quick so as not to lead you on.
You probably both need to communicate better. Your older and have been in more relationships so take the lead--man up and sit down and tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels.
Disney Doll
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First of all, I don't buy the hormone crap. Until we women stop blaming our hormones on bad behavior, we're never going to get anywhere. I dated in my 20's and I would never dream of being rude and ignoring my date. Frankly, her being on her phone at your house when it was just the 2 of you was rude unless the reason for the phone call was for someone to tell her that her mother had just been rushed to the hospital or something equally as emergent.
NHdisneylover may have a point Stu. What they posted may be spot on. Or your ladylove may be a tease. Or she may be immature. Or she may not be able to handle a relationship. Or she may be a lot of other things.
But the bottom line is that you're the one who has to decide what you are going to do. Stop walking on eggshells and make a decision. Either you guys are going to be friends, at which point you determine that her flirtatiousness is just "her" and you don't put any stock in it that it means any more than harmless, meaningless flritation on her part. Or ask her out on a date. A real date, where your intentions are quite clear. And I don't mean your intentions being getting her into bed. I mean "I like you, I want to pursue a relationship with you. I am willing to risk our friendship because I think you are worth pursuing a relationship with". That, of course, is if you think you want to have a relationship with her, as opposed to a hook up. You probably ought to decide that first.
If you decide you want the relationship route, I'd caution you to pay very close attention to her behavior. You say she's 21 and immature. Are you sure you want to deal with all that? You say she's moody? Are you sure you want to deal with the drama of moods changing from hour to hour? You say that you don't know how she'd handle discussion about difficult topics...well, discussing difficult topics is part of any relationship, so she had better be able to discuss them. If you guys end up together, and if you end up together for the long-term, there will be difficult discussions about finances, health, children, housing etc. Yes, she could be immature because she is only 21, but she could also be a diva, so pay close attention. There is a difference. I know the physical aspects of relationships are very compelling to a man your age, but don't get embroiled in something that will be difficult for you to get out of later based on ohysical attraction alone. I am watching my 28 year old nephew struggle with an extraordinarily difficult woman that eh has been dating/living with for about 2-2.5 years....let me tell you, it's not easy, so go into this thing with your eyes wide open. You have a right to be treated with respect, just as she does,
Traditionally, Stu, it's the man who sort of makes the first move. In this case, since she is young and since she doen't have much dating experience (having been in a long-term thing) that's what she may be waiting for and expecting.
The one thing that keeps popping into my head about this thing Stu, since I recall you posting about this girl in the past, is that it shouldn't be this hard. During my dating years (and I do remember them!) some of the fellas I dated were nice, but no spark, some had a spark, but being with them was hard....lots of angst, lots of worry, lots of wondering about things like "Did I do the right thing? Did I say the right thing? Did I say something that angered him?". When I met DH, it was very easy. By that I mean that I didn't wonder if he'd call, because he called. I didn't worry that I said something that upset him, because if I did, he told me about and we discussed it and fixed it. It was just different with DH than it had been with other men I dated before him...we clicked without a lot of angst.
I know lotsof people are into "drama" today, but let me tell you, I've been married for 18 years and there's enough drama in life without adding to it by involving yourself with a Drama Llama.
So you have a lot of thinking to do. Good luck.
NHdisneylover may have a point Stu. What they posted may be spot on. Or your ladylove may be a tease. Or she may be immature. Or she may not be able to handle a relationship. Or she may be a lot of other things.
But the bottom line is that you're the one who has to decide what you are going to do. Stop walking on eggshells and make a decision. Either you guys are going to be friends, at which point you determine that her flirtatiousness is just "her" and you don't put any stock in it that it means any more than harmless, meaningless flritation on her part. Or ask her out on a date. A real date, where your intentions are quite clear. And I don't mean your intentions being getting her into bed. I mean "I like you, I want to pursue a relationship with you. I am willing to risk our friendship because I think you are worth pursuing a relationship with". That, of course, is if you think you want to have a relationship with her, as opposed to a hook up. You probably ought to decide that first.
If you decide you want the relationship route, I'd caution you to pay very close attention to her behavior. You say she's 21 and immature. Are you sure you want to deal with all that? You say she's moody? Are you sure you want to deal with the drama of moods changing from hour to hour? You say that you don't know how she'd handle discussion about difficult topics...well, discussing difficult topics is part of any relationship, so she had better be able to discuss them. If you guys end up together, and if you end up together for the long-term, there will be difficult discussions about finances, health, children, housing etc. Yes, she could be immature because she is only 21, but she could also be a diva, so pay close attention. There is a difference. I know the physical aspects of relationships are very compelling to a man your age, but don't get embroiled in something that will be difficult for you to get out of later based on ohysical attraction alone. I am watching my 28 year old nephew struggle with an extraordinarily difficult woman that eh has been dating/living with for about 2-2.5 years....let me tell you, it's not easy, so go into this thing with your eyes wide open. You have a right to be treated with respect, just as she does,
Traditionally, Stu, it's the man who sort of makes the first move. In this case, since she is young and since she doen't have much dating experience (having been in a long-term thing) that's what she may be waiting for and expecting.
The one thing that keeps popping into my head about this thing Stu, since I recall you posting about this girl in the past, is that it shouldn't be this hard. During my dating years (and I do remember them!
) some of the fellas I dated were nice, but no spark, some had a spark, but being with them was hard....lots of angst, lots of worry, lots of wondering about things like "Did I do the right thing? Did I say the right thing? Did I say something that angered him?". When I met DH, it was very easy. By that I mean that I didn't wonder if he'd call, because he called. I didn't worry that I said something that upset him, because if I did, he told me about and we discussed it and fixed it. It was just different with DH than it had been with other men I dated before him...we clicked without a lot of angst. I know lotsof people are into "drama" today, but let me tell you, I've been married for 18 years and there's enough drama in life without adding to it by involving yourself with a Drama Llama.
So you have a lot of thinking to do. Good luck.
Hercules10
Al Bundy WannaBe
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She's a woman. Only one man in history has figured out women and he died laughing before he could tell us anything. Just roll with the punches.
WWait-it was JUST the two of you at your place and you cooked? You guys were alone, she acted put off and you didn't say anything...just went about the evening like nothing was wrong? If I had changed my attitude mid date, my very smart husband would have laughed and said something like, 'hey there, where did you go? What happened? Did my food turn you off?' Yet you pretended NOT to notice. Seems you both have a lot of growing up to do.
Stuff doesn't just go away if you ignore it. Little things left to fester just get worse. Don't you know that men are clueless and need to ask questions? lol!
Seriously.
And.... I agree with Disney Doll, if it doesn't come easy at first it might not be worth pursuing. Just make sure you are communicating clearly and directly.
StuZioCardyni
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Hey DisneyDoll
Yeah I don't want anything with her if it's going to be this hard and the reason I've stayed back is that i've never known a girl to be this changeable...I've known a lot of women in my life (and haha i'm not a player...i mean as friends) I find it very easy being around women and I've never had trouble reading them...but this girl confuses me totally. That evening was meant to be the time I was gonna sort it out once and for all. I was going to 'make the move' as everyone keeps saying but BANG out of nowhere the shutters came down lol and then what? you can't make a move then because your gonna loose...So it's not being scared, it's just not being stupid.
What i'm gonna do is leave it for a while, if it was just a mood she'll come back and when she does i'll make sure she knows not to treat me like that and learn to communicate if she's feeling bad and we'll see. Under every other circumstance I'd have been long gone but with this girl something tells me not to be...but even then, it can't go on much longer.
As for the physical side of things...yeah she's attractive but that really isn't my motive (weird for a guy in his 20s right) and maybe that throws her because most of the guys she's known, that's all they've thought about, so maybe she is having as much trouble working me out as I am her.
I think what I'm looking for, I suppose, is just something soild to work from. I'm not saying I want anything right away I'm just saying 'what on earth is going on with you' because some days she acts like she wants to marry me and other days she acts like she can't even be bothered to be friends with me (it's that extreme) and they way she responds to deep conversations means it's very hard to have that kind of talk...
I know a lot of people that know her have similar problems with her, the only difference being they're all women so there isn't quite the range of extremes for them to deal with.
It's really not worrying me today, in fact I feel rather free
It's weird though, you try to be different from 90% of the guys in the world and yet they expect you to treat them like the other 90% even though they're only after one thing.
Yeah I don't want anything with her if it's going to be this hard and the reason I've stayed back is that i've never known a girl to be this changeable...I've known a lot of women in my life (and haha i'm not a player...i mean as friends) I find it very easy being around women and I've never had trouble reading them...but this girl confuses me totally. That evening was meant to be the time I was gonna sort it out once and for all. I was going to 'make the move' as everyone keeps saying but BANG out of nowhere the shutters came down lol and then what? you can't make a move then because your gonna loose...So it's not being scared, it's just not being stupid.
What i'm gonna do is leave it for a while, if it was just a mood she'll come back and when she does i'll make sure she knows not to treat me like that and learn to communicate if she's feeling bad and we'll see. Under every other circumstance I'd have been long gone but with this girl something tells me not to be...but even then, it can't go on much longer.
As for the physical side of things...yeah she's attractive but that really isn't my motive (weird for a guy in his 20s right) and maybe that throws her because most of the guys she's known, that's all they've thought about, so maybe she is having as much trouble working me out as I am her.
I think what I'm looking for, I suppose, is just something soild to work from. I'm not saying I want anything right away I'm just saying 'what on earth is going on with you' because some days she acts like she wants to marry me and other days she acts like she can't even be bothered to be friends with me (it's that extreme) and they way she responds to deep conversations means it's very hard to have that kind of talk...
I know a lot of people that know her have similar problems with her, the only difference being they're all women so there isn't quite the range of extremes for them to deal with.
It's really not worrying me today, in fact I feel rather free
It's weird though, you try to be different from 90% of the guys in the world and yet they expect you to treat them like the other 90% even though they're only after one thing.
StuZioCardyni
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WWait-it was JUST the two of you at your place and you cooked? You guys were alone, she acted put off and you didn't say anything...just went about the evening like nothing was wrong? If I had changed my attitude mid date, my very smart husband would have laughed and said something like, 'hey there, where did you go? What happened? Did my food turn you off?' Yet you pretended NOT to notice. Seems you both have a lot of growing up to do.
Stuff doesn't just go away if you ignore it. Little things left to fester just get worse. Don't you know that men are clueless and need to ask questions? lol!
Seriously.
And.... I agree with Disney Doll, if it doesn't come easy at first it might not be worth pursuing. Just make sure you are communicating clearly and directly.
No I said things...but I was actually REALLY cross so I didn't say to much because I would have let it all go and I knew I'd say things that I'd regret so it really was a case of biting my tongue to save the conversation for a better time when I was more able to think and talk sensibly.
I was astonished at how rude she was...it was one of those moments when you're just utterly speechless, frankly I'm surprised i didn't ask her to leave
Wishing on a star
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I think that is VERY telling.
Speaks volumes.
Give it a break and enjoy your freedom!!!!!
Here is a tip....
Many woman do not want guys to be sexist, after one thing only, pigs...
But we might not want Phil Donahue 'puppy dogs' either.
I know that I wouldn't.
It is not one or the other....
One can man-up and make a woman feel sexy and beautiful without being shallow and one-minded.
First, if she is THAT moody, and the two of you (BOTH OF YOU) are possibly immature and unable to communicate with each other. Then, Houston, we have a problem....
I do think that she is moody and is in a school-girl mode of using emotional drama to manipulate situations and to get what she wants.
I also think that there are probably other emotional, social, maturity issues with both of you.
I wonder if you are not looking for a relationship within the 'comfort zone' of this established friendship, because it might seem easier than really putting yourself out there???
Bottom line,
If you can't simply 'talk' to her.... which sounds like it has not been possible... then that's it...
If you almost feel freed from the prospects and the drama... than that means a lot.
Wishing on a star
DIS Legend
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Okay, now I am seeing this that came in.
That does not sound a person/relationship that one would want to commit the rest of their life.
Most people here can tell you that your current age/situation is like kids in a candy store compared to what life and relationships can be when one is married, has the responsibilities of raising children, paying the mortgage, handling heavy duty issues and decisions....
StuZioCardyni
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Wishing on a star...I totally agree I'm, acting like a kid. Any other girl or any other part of my life i would have dealt with and got on with life but something's got me with this one and I hate it because it is making me act like a 14 yr old. I've had relatiionship in the past that haven't worked out but for the most part we've managed to deal with it in a mature way and left it on very good terms. Also I've never been like a puppy dog in any other part of my life or with anyone else. And do you know what, I think that's why I'm finding it harder to walk away from this one, because she just takes me down, I loose my defences and I'm trying to work out why...lol it's really not the person I am. It's almost like a puzzle that I'm trying to crack, it's driving me crazy.
I think another part of the problem is we come at life a little differently. I am generally a lot more positive and a lot more stable (I don't mean that to sound bad...I only mean stable in the sense that I am fairly consistent in how I look at life) and I think it means that she doesn't seem to react in the way I expect so I find myself making constant adjustments...like trying to hit a curving ball in a baseball game. I really do spend so much time thinking 'what? how did that happen? And this coming from someone who's always found himself good at being able to understand how women are going to react but this time I'm firmly on the side of men are from mars women are from venus because I don't have a clue what's happening...to be honest, I've given up trying to work it out, what happens happens.
And to kurby, this was saturday night, she works away until wednesday so for now it's a waiting game.
I think another part of the problem is we come at life a little differently. I am generally a lot more positive and a lot more stable (I don't mean that to sound bad...I only mean stable in the sense that I am fairly consistent in how I look at life) and I think it means that she doesn't seem to react in the way I expect so I find myself making constant adjustments...like trying to hit a curving ball in a baseball game. I really do spend so much time thinking 'what? how did that happen? And this coming from someone who's always found himself good at being able to understand how women are going to react but this time I'm firmly on the side of men are from mars women are from venus because I don't have a clue what's happening...to be honest, I've given up trying to work it out, what happens happens.
And to kurby, this was saturday night, she works away until wednesday so for now it's a waiting game.
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