I can't believe what just happened....

[Tink888]

You don't care? Whoa...not a good place to go. This is a tense situation and you need to place yourself in his shoes.

As I said before becoming postive proactive and not negative war here is the way to go.

You are at a fork in the road and building a relationship with this person is the goal, not tearing it down.

Yes he was a JERK of the highest order. If you really want to go over there and resolve it, go over there yourself. Do not send your DH. That is how things begin to get blown out of proportion. Take him out to lunch to talk about it.

In other words go "Dr. Phil" on him and not "Jerry Springer".

Exactly. Everyone agrees the Dad was way out of line. And it is wonderful that you are able and willing to be there for his daughter. It truly is.

However, in almost every one of your posts you have referenced everything that you've done for his daughter and everything that he hasn't.

I have seen this before and trust me when I tell you this is not the time to get into a pissing contest with the Dad over who is the better parent. In the long run, it is not good for you, not good for your son, his GF and most of all, not good for your grandchild. When it's all said and done, nobody wins.

He was wrong, you are angry and you have a right to be. Cool down, and then calmly talk to the Dad and find out what's really going on here. Because it's more than just the fact that she didn't come home after one night.

Sometimes, being the better parent means being the bigger person. It goes a long way toward building relationships, and like it or not, all of your lives are now going to be intertwined forever from here on out.

 

[Nancyg56]

DH is going to talk to him today. DH is not happy about this either, he is very upset that he was so disrespectful to me. We have done waaay more for his daughter then he has. I am still very upset about the whole thing. He did not have a problem with her being here everyday all summer. It was fine because he was with his GF everynight. DGF even commented that her Dad was not even buying groceries for their home anymore because he was eating at his GF's everyday. I don't care if he was "stressed", he knew where she was and that she was very well taken care of.

I think you may need to back up this train....you are heading down a wrong track. IMO, part of this problem is that the two people who should be taking charge are not. Your DS and the GF are the two who need to set the parameters, not you and your DH or the GF's father.

I understand that your son is still in school and that this girl is under her father's roof but they created a child and they need to learn to be adults. Both need to come together and decide how they want to raise this baby and to set their priorities in order. If the girl is living in her Dad's home she needs to understand that there will be rules and she may not like them. She can discuss them with her Dad but that is her place, not yours. If you and your DH get involved with this relationship and confront the man it is likely that any possibility of a congenial relationship will be gone.

I think that no matter the circumstances of this baby's birth, the parents are still dependent on the adults in their lives and all of you are taking such an active ole that the lines are now blurred. Is this girl a child raising a child? Why must a 21 YO young woman need her father's permission to marry the father of their baby? Why are the parents of this young man fighting the battles of their adult son?

I think that there is a lot of stress here and that both of these young people need to make a plan that works for them and their baby, this one is clearly not going to work.

 

[dis-happy]

Sounds like emotions are running high and hopefully things will calm down soon. Maybe remind the dad that his dd is still recovering from childbirth and trying to nurse, so just for the sake of her everyone needs to put her needs first right now.

Want to say to you: CONGRATULATIONS on your new status as a Grandma!!!

 

[sunnyday123]

No, he told my son that he can't marry his daughter until he graduates.

And didn't you say they are both 21?? Would you be willing to let her live there?

 

[Erin1700]

I agree he was out of line with how he yelled at you. Absolutely no reason to be acting like that. What I disagree with is how you are upset that your son is bothered at school. Yes, he is working hard and that is super!!! But this is his baby and his GF and he needs to know about the situation and help deal with it.

 

[disykat]

I agree with those that say this isn't your battle. Your DS and his girlfriend are the ones that have to deal with this.

He yelled at you and was inappropriate - no doubt. However, you trying to fix it is also inappropriate. It's not your job to fix it for the children. It's your adult children's job to protect YOU in this situation.

I'd talk to the girlfriend, ask her if she's in trouble, let her know you will be there to help her if she needs it, and then stay away from this man. He is trying to suck you into inappropriately controling behavior - don't play.

 

[momrek06]

DH is going to talk to him today. DH is not happy about this either, he is very upset that he was so disrespectful to me. We have done waaay more for his daughter then he has. I am still very upset about the whole thing. He did not have a problem with her being here everyday all summer. It was fine because he was with his GF everynight. DGF even commented that her Dad was not even buying groceries for their home anymore because he was eating at his GF's everyday. I don't care if he was "stressed", he knew where she was and that she was very well taken care of.

OP, I would not let this go on any longer. Tell DH never mind. DGF's dad was upset about her not getting back when he wanted her....let DGF and her dad discuss this alone.

As far as the whole confrontation with DGF's dad, yes, that was upsetting for you and your DD12 and the DGF....but move on from it. Say nothing more. Continuing to discuss this and trying to figure out WHY the dad was screaming and yelling will not accomplish anything. Its over.

Nope, I would try my best to put it behind me and move on.

 

[Nom]

I agree with those that say this isn't your battle. Your DS and his girlfriend are the ones that have to deal with this.

He yelled at you and was inappropriate - no doubt. However, you trying to fix it is also inappropriate. It's not your job to fix it for the children. It's your adult children's job to protect YOU in this situation.

I'd talk to the girlfriend, ask her if she's in trouble, let her know you will be there to help her if she needs it, and then stay away from this man. He is trying to suck you into inappropriately controling behavior - don't play.

OP, I would not let this go on any longer. Tell DH never mind. DGF's dad was upset about her not getting back when he wanted her....let DGF and her dad discuss this alone.

As far as the whole confrontation with DGF's dad, yes, that was upsetting for you and your DD12 and the DGF....but move on from it. Say nothing more. Continuing to discuss this and trying to figure out WHY the dad was screaming and yelling will not accomplish anything. Its over.

Nope, I would try my best to put it behind me and move on.

ITA with these two wise DIS-ers! Be the bigger person, although it will be hard. This is the best approach in the long run, because you'll be dealing with this person for the rest of your life!

 

[Disney Doll]

Exactly. Everyone agrees the Dad was way out of line. And it is wonderful that you are able and willing to be there for his daughter. It truly is.

However, in almost every one of your posts you have referenced everything that you've done for his daughter and everything that he hasn't.

I have seen this before and trust me when I tell you this is not the time to get into a pissing contest with the Dad over who is the better parent. In the long run, it is not good for you, not good for your son, his GF and most of all, not good for your grandchild. When it's all said and done, nobody wins.

He was wrong, you are angry and you have a right to be. Cool down, and then calmly talk to the Dad and find out what's really going on here. Because it's more than just the fact that she didn't come home after one night.

Sometimes, being the better parent means being the bigger person. It goes a long way toward building relationships, and like it or not, all of your lives are now going to be intertwined forever from here on out.

This is very good advice. I hope you take it OP.

 

[dispor]

He did not have the right to yell at you but he IS supporting them, so she is not truely an adult.

You son needs to move his GF and baby to school and support them there and then the interference will be lessened. They are 21 so they CAN get married or move in together.

I would never have taken a 9 day old baby and new mom on that trip. You son needs to come to visit his daughter and GF.

Yep

 

[edandcolleen1995]

And just for the record she got pregnant at her house, cause he was either never around or not checking up on them when he was home. They were not even aloud in DS's room with the door shut in my house.

Whoa.. Major alarm bells here.. They are two adults. Adults.

And how in the world do you know where/when the baby was conceived?? Better yet, why do you care?

 

[DizBelle]

I don't have an answer but wanted to send a . DS was 21 when my first grandson was born. Initially I thought it was the end of my world, then I adjusted, DGS10 was born and I was looking forward to enjoying my new "grandmother" status with the kids and their new baby.

Former DIL's parents had other ideas though, they got downright weird and very possessive after the baby was born and I remember feeling the same confusion it sounds like you may be now. I also remember wondering if I'd ever be allowed to see the baby enough to be a true grandparent. The one time DS brought the baby over and left him alone with me at four months for a few hours. He was here exactly twenty-five minutes before FDIL's mother found out, pulled up in my driveway, and insisted she take the baby back to her house immediately. I'd just fed him and she wouldn't even wait for me to change his little shirt & diaper or put on his snowsuit. She was still fighting to get him buckled into the carrier as she walked briskly down our driveway to her car.

These were people who hadn't cared a lick about where their daughter was since she was ten but supposedly suddenly became super-parents after their first grandchild was born while living in their home so the birth would be covered under their health insurance. Despite their jealousy, possessiveness, and immaturity, I've managed to enjoy my grandchildren anyway and develop a loving bond over the years as I'm sure you will with your new DGD. I'd like to say there's an easy explanation for the odd behavior but I never found one here. When I think about it now, I remember with love and amusement the words of our priest who reassured me that "sometimes people react to life changes so oddly that we're taken aback but we need to keep in mind that it's likely due to their own insecurities, not neccessarily a reaction to anything we've done. Eventually they'll go buy a sports car to assuage their mid-life crisis and things'll be fine." As usual, he was right...

Congrats on that new grandbaby OP! There's nothing like that new baby smell. Here's hoping her other granddad buys his sports car and gets over it in record time.

Poop and spit up?

 

[S. C.]

Whoa.. Major alarm bells here.. They are two adults. Adults.

And how in the world do you know where/when the baby was conceived?? Better yet, why do you care?

Better yet, why do YOU care? This has been pointed out several times. No reason for it to be said again.

I honestly feel the OP only brought that out because people on this board has a record of making it a point to ask things like this.

 

[Dancemom03]

I am also very upset that his outburst was in front of my DD12 as well. On the way home she said I thought DGF's dad was nice, but he's not, he is mean.

I have so BTDT. It's really hard when you have younger children still at home who are old enough to understand what's happening but not old enough to have the experience to fully understand or deal with it. DD20 was 10 when DGS was born and had just turned 11 when he married FDIL and moved out only to move back three years later. The unspoken messages she inadvertantly may have absorbed about what is acceptable and the inappropriate behavior she witnessed from all the "adults' involved during her impressionable middle years are something I'd give anything to have shielded her from.

I'm sure this is an exciting time for your DD12 and she'll want to be involved, helping out running errands, and enjoying her new niece. That's a terrific experience and a privelege not many of her peers are likely able to enjoy. Your family has just experienced something very special and it's a magical time, but it can also be stressful at times. It's wonderful that she likes the DGF and can feel close to her. Perhaps though when you know there's a chance you'll run into DGF's family it'd be better to leave DD12 home instead of letting her ride along to take them home or wherever.

 

[SNylund]

I don't think you did anything wrong AT ALL, sounds like this father is just a total whack job in which case I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

Better yet, why do YOU care? This has been pointed out several times. No reason for it to be said again.

I honestly feel the OP only brought that out because people on this board has a record of making it a point to ask things like this.

Because it is odd that someone would care about where their grandchild of her adult son (and adult girlfriend) was conceived. She acted if where it happened had impact on the paternal grandfather's ability to care or be around the grandchild..

 

[Mermaid02]

Here is the background. DS21 and his GF21 just had a baby girl 9 days ago. He is a senior in college and lives an hour and half from here. GF lives near us. GF live with her Dad and has no relationship with her mom. We all went to family day at DS's school yesterday. GF came here on friday and stayed overnight and we left early in the morning to see DS. We came home last night at 11:30pm. GF still had all her and baby's stuff here. She was very tired and went right to bed with her baby when we got home. Today she mostly hung out in Ds's bedroom napping on and off with the baby. This afternoon she came down and said do you want to take me home or should I have my Dad come pick me up? I said it does not matter. She said Okay you can take me home. I said fine. DD12 asked if she was staying for dinner and she said yes. Fine with me. I went to the sore, came home and was just about to start dinner and she said I am really tired I am going to lay down while the baby is sleeping. She is really tired she has been nursing around the clock. I fix dinner and she is sleeping. We were eating and sheis still sleeping. I am not going to wake her up for dinner she was so tired. Well, she finally came down and ate and got ready to go and we left. I pulled in her driveway and her Dad came flying out the door yelling at me. He was furious that I did not bring her home the night before. I tried to explain that she was tired. I said did you talk to her? He said yes she told me she was spending the night at your house. I thought she would be home in the morning. I said did you call her?? No, he did not. He just kept yelling at me about keeping his daughter at my house. ( I am fuuly equiped for the baby). He said she is only allowed at my house if my son is there He kept yelling she is in my van crying, my dd12 is with us....it was not good. He accused me of puposefully keeping her at my house. I have known her for three years...she is like my own daughter. I just do not get it. Did I do something wrong here? Now she called my DS and was crying and he was in the middle of working on a research project (he is premed). Now he said he is having a hard time concentrating cause her dad got everyone upset and he is now upset. So instead of doing school work he is on the phone with GF. The one thing we wanted was for him to get through school. He cannot have any distractions or problems at this stage of his education. He needs to get into med school here so he can take care of his baby. I have no idea what to do. I guess I will never see my grand daughter, cause DS can't come home very often with work and school.

Without reading all responses- her Dad sounds like a complete control freak and a lot of red flags are going off.... She really needs to take her baby and get out of his house.

 

[kim929]

OP, I may be wrong, but I feel what your most upset about is this nut saying you can't see your grandchild, when all you've done is take care of his daughter. Even if she is living under his roof, she is still the parent of the baby and he has no right to say what she can and cannot do regarding the baby. You might feel if he is controlling then the dgf might listen to him and you might not get to see the baby for months. You as a grandparent you have every right to see the baby even if your son is not here at the time. Her father can't make that decision, it's not his to make. Your son as the father of the baby is the one that needs to tell him that, not your husband. Maybe you should offer for her and the baby to move in with you if that would be a better situation. Your son would have peace of mind for his studies and the girlfriend would have the support of a mother figure which we all know as a new parent is very helpful.
Good luck, and congrats on your new grandchild.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Maybe you should offer for her and the baby to move in with you if that would be a better situation. Your son would have peace of mind for his studies and the girlfriend would have the support of a mother figure which we all know as a new parent is very helpful.
Good luck, and congrats on your new grandchild.

I am going to lay bets that this is probably exactly the reason grandpa got so angry. He probably fears that his dd will move out with the baby.

Maybe things have been tense in her home with her dad and she has said things to him, you know?

There is always more to the story.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am going to lay bets that this is probably exactly the reason grandpa got so angry. He probably fears that his dd will move out with the baby.

Maybe things have been tense in her home with her dad and she has said things to him, you know?

There is always more to the story.

I bet that he is really terrified about his DD moving out and losing her completely. His reaction was over the top but who knows what is happening behind the scenes. His daughter has a baby and the father is still in school. His daughter lives with him but takes a week old baby to a big school event. He has got to have some pretty wild emotions swirling around.