'I apologize' vs 'I'm sorry' regarding a death

[kaytieeldr]

"Sorry" and "apologize" have the same implication for me - that whatever occurred is in some way my fault or responsibility and I'm expressing my regret for whatever part I played in the negative situation. I'm hesitant to use "sorry" in this respect, and "apologize" makes no sense.

 

[happygirl]

I always say I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[2girls4me]

First, so sorry for your loss.

And I have never heard "I apologize for your loss.". Makes no sense to me.

 

[tigercat]

OP I am sorry for your loss. I lost my dm to lung cancer 3 yrs ago. It was not very nice and I am still feeling the loss.
tigercat

 

[LSmith]

First of all, OP, I'm sorry for you loss. As someone who's witnessed it firsthand, lung cancer is a horrible way to go.

But as someone else said above, the people might not have been taught the right words to say and are tongue tied. This culture has a lot of phobia and denial about death. So people aren't TRAINED in the right thing to say.

I also think your emotions are naturally quite a bit raw right now, rightfully so. A piece of you has been ripped away. So the slightest thing will get to you. Remember anger & irritation are sometimes the other side of grief & depression.

You also have to realize, if you are expecting people to be perfect about this situation, you are setting yourself up to be constantly disappointed and irritated. You truly can choose what you focus on with these people. Focus on and being grateful that these people are expressing sympathy at all, instead of ignoring the situation, your grief, or the topic, instead of the wrong word said.

Would you truly rather people not say anything to you about your loss? Not show any concern or express any sensitivity or sympathy because they don't know the right words to comfort you?

The bolded is a perfect example of what I mean. I'm sorry for your loss, too.

I agree with this sentiment. I have learned, through many deaths, to decide not to be offended by what people say. Dealing with death is extremely hard and most people will not say the perfect thing to you. It's personal.

Accept their condolences with grace. They mean well. That is what counts. My father taught me this.

 

[DebbieB]

I've lost both my parents and never heard "I apologize".

Sorry to hear about your loss.

 

[SandrA9810]

Was it younger people you were talking to? Maybe they were trying to be overly politically correct and instead sound very strange? Today's society does seem very sheltered from something that every one will eventually go through.

I've only heard "I'm sorry for your loss".

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

At my Mother's funeral, my Uncle said he doesn't like the "I'm sorry for your loss" expression. He says no one caused her death so how can they be "sorry" for it. He felt that the "proper" condolence was, "You have my deepest sympathies."

I can't stand the word sympathy.

All that to say that I've never heard anyone use "apologize" in this context.

I will say that to use the phrase, "I'm sorry for your loss" does not connote an apology, rather an indication that the person is offering sympathy for your heartache and sadness. (There's that "s" word again).

So, OP and to the poster who lost the 44 year old brother; for your heartache and loss of your beloved family members, my heart goes out to you. I hope you find peace and serenity as you walk this journey of grieving.

 

[Laura66]

Thank u - he was the light of my family's life and I can't believe he's gone

 

[tink20]

I always say "I am very sorry for your loss" but I always wish I had something better to say, to make the person feel better and know how deeply sorry I am.

for you

 

[winterman]

I found my brother dead last Friday and we had the funeral today. He was only 44.
Some people have said some really stupid things this week but I know they care and don't know what to say. So far it hasn't bothered me.

Laura, I'm so sorry for your loss. That must have been a terrible shock.

Just to be clear, my response to ALL the expressions I have heard has been 'thank you'. I have never let anyone know that I find their words odd. I just thought maybe it was one of those regional differences in speech - like on line vs in line.

Again, I want to thank everyone for all the replies. I never dreamed there would be so many. Many of you also have had to face the loss of a loved one. To you, I send my condolences and my prayers.

One of these days I'll be able to post something else and include the 3 that were always in my signature.

 

[DebIreland]

I lost my wonderful husband back in January too. I know the pain you're going through. There's nothing like it. I'm going through the angry stage recently.... well it's more like the 'rage' stage really!

I'll be blunt, saying "I apologize for your loss" is really just plain stupid. Thankfully I haven't heard that one before!