I Am Totally Devastated And In Pieces

[DisneyAli]

On tuesday evening just after eating tea and completely out of the blue without no warning my husband of 12 years and 15 years total relationship announced that for the past five months he has been having an affair, wants out of the marriage (but no divorce at this time in his words " i didnt say divorce just that i am having an affair) put his coat on and walked out of the door. He came back later to pick up his bag to return to his ship for the week. This woman, and i have spoken to her on the phone is a year older than him at 52 and says she cant live without him and she made a play and pursued him even though she was totally aware that he is married. I rushed around to my parents next door and ended up in a hysterical mess on their kitchen floor. He and she both keep telling me that they love each other etc. He said it started out as a sexual thing but developed. If you take off the time he has been at sea they have spent a few afternoons/evenings together over about 2 months.

I am at this time two days later totally numb with shock, my parents, his siblings and most of our friends cannot believe what he has done as it is totally out of his character. Believe me when i say that i did not have the smallest hint that this was going on, not even his best friend who is fuming at his actions. At the start of our relationship all those years ago he made it clear that he did not put up with playing away and if i ever did it would be the end of our relationship, what a hypocrite, and i reminded him of this and he agreed to remembering saying it.

I have spoken to him today to try and negotiate a way to stay in our house as i cannot afford to take on everything on my wages. He is thinking after my suggestion that he continue to pay the mortgage only, i pay the bills and we get some legal agreement drawn up that when the property is sold in what i hope the very far future that he will get the lions share of the profits. I ppointed out to him in a big way that its all his doing and why should i lose our beloved home because of him.

I also said i would have a clause put in that he could return to live here at any time.....his response, at least i will have somewhere to go if things go wrong and she chucks me out.

This womans marriage ended 13 years ago after her husbands continual affairs and i said to them both how could she subject another woman to the total emotional devastation she felt at the time? all i get is i love him/her.

As far as i am a where they have not spent any length of more than 4/5 hours together so how can he just say its all over?

My life in the past 48 hours has changed beyond recognition, he even let me plan,book and he paid the deposit on the villa and the flydrive for next jan, in November.

He says he will always have some love in his heart for me, but he loves her more, is he trying to drive me to a breakdown or what?

I am on compassionate leave from work until Saturday and am consulting a lawyer Friday.

He does not get back into port until next Weds, but has contacted me by phone.

Thank you for listening my friends, after all the upset with Sprouts death, i am just about at the end of my tether, i have told him i will not beg him to stay, gave him the chance of a clean slate but all i get is his response of i have made up my mind.

He turned 50 in 2002 and found this hard to cope with, which is probably made harder by the fact that i am 38, is this the male menopause if so it has a lot to answer for.

 

[Muppet]

God I am so sorry for you. Reading that sounded hard to deal with and you must feel very fragile right now.

I don't know what to say other than take each day as it comes and to keep youreslf surrounded by people who love you.

Please keep us updated and stay as strong as you can, I know thats easier said than done.

 

[Olaf]

Wow. My heart goes out to you.

I've had a few friends in similar circumstances. This is what I've learned from their experiences. Get lawyer (good that you're meeting one), don't sign anything without having the lawyer go over it, secure any joint bank accounts/credit cards, and pull your friends/family close to you. Ignore the girlfriend, deal only with your husband.

I know you're reeling right now, and you can't think of anything else, but you will get through it and be a stronger person for it in the end. Hang in there.

 

[charlottebetty]

Alison

I feel so bad for you. Your story is reflecting mine so closley I had to reply to you.

If you want to talk pm me I dont particually want to go into details here but if youd like to talk Im here anytime.

 

[UKDEB]

Alison,

There is absolutely nothing I can say that will ease your pain, but I totally agree with Olaf. At the moment he will agree to anything, but as time goes on he may start to renege (sp?). You are entitled to half of everything, including any profits from the sale of the house and his pension. Get a very good lawyer who specialises in divorce law.

One other thing - if you truly want him back, stay sweet and charming. Don't make things easy for him, but don't be bitter and nasty - it will help him to justify his decision in his own mind.

 

[onlyholly]

My heart goes out to you too Alison - I have been through a similar situation myself and eventually came through the other end. As mentioned before a good lawyer is what you need even at this early stage.

Keep strong and let us know how you are doing from time to time.

Take care
Holly

 

[MsPennieLane]

Hi Alison, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. I can understand what you're going through, I went through the same thing about 7 years ago with my ex husband. We'd been married 18 months and he turned round and suddenly announced his affair, told me he should never have married me and that he'd never loved me, was just waiting til something better came along I know you must be in total shock just now and nothing anybody says can make you feel any better. All I can say is things will get better and listen to the advice about getting a good divorce lawyer, the sooner the better. Take care and I hope things are sorted soon.

Anz

 

[AlisonB]

Alison, I don't know what to say. Only someone who has been through something similar can even come close to knowing what you're going through. All I can offer are {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

 

[KayleeUK]

Alison {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

What can I say......there is some good advice here on this thread for you. I hope it all works out.

 

[squitty]

Alison,
I cant add any advice, just wanted to send you some {{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}
I too hope it all works out for you.

 

[Fantasia Sam]

I am so sorry Alison to hear this heartbreaking news.

I am glad that even though you still want him back you are still getting legal advice this is very important for the reasons that both Deb and Olaf say.

We're all here for you if you want to rant and rave or just pour your heart out, we just want what's best for you. Some of us have gone through similar situations but no-one can really know what you must be feeling at this time.

{{{hugs}}} for now - but please keep us posted otherwise we will worry.

 

[Hilary]

Alison, I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling.

My only advice, apart from what has already been said, is to give yourselves a bit of time to adjust to the current situation before rushing into anything more final.

Best wishes

 

[Peebee]

Oh Alison, you poor thing. After everything you've been through over the past few months you really don't deserve this.

I know it's hard to think positive thoughts now, but things will get better. I went through a divorce a few years ago and thought the world was crashing around me for a while. We all have a tremendous capacity to work through these things though, and become stronger as a result. I know that's what happened with me, and I'm sure it will be the same with you - you will get through this, and we're all here to help you in any way that we can.

Paul

 

[Dan Murphy]

I am so sorry to hear this, Alison. My heart goes out for you. I was stopping by here to post a question and saw your post and had to stop in for a My very best wishes, you will be in my prayers.

Hugs,

Dan

 

[SandraM]

Alison, I'm in tears over your post. What a dreadful, dreadful thing to happen.
I really don't know what to say, all I can think of is don't burn your bridges, take some time to work out your feelings.
Look after yourself, and remember we're all thinking of you here.

Sandra

 

[nativetxn]

{{{HUGS}}} my friend. I'm sorry that you are having to experience this painful situation. We're here if you need us and we care. Come vent to us anytime you need to

 

[tiggerlover]

I am so sorry for the devastation your DH has caused you. I have never been in your situation before so I have no advice to offer you, but it sounds like some have already given you some good information. I will say a prayer for you and keep in you in my thoughts.

 

[Olaf]

Alison, I went back and reread your message. This is some heartfelt advice. Don't make things too easy for him to return. Right now, he wants his cake and wants to eat it too.

Don't let him walk on you. He won't respect you for it, and you won't respect yourself much in the end either.

 

[Mrs Dazzle]

Hugs are all I can offer, except to let you know how sorry I am that you're going through even more heartbreak.

 

[WDWfan uk]

Alison I'm so sorry - you must be feeling so much pain right now.

That is why I'm going to suggest you give yourself some time to collect your thoughts before making any firm decisions or agreeing to anything.

By all means draw up some sort of legal agreement so that you have the security of staying in the house, but after that I'd really suggest giving yourself some time to recover from the shock and wait until you can think straight before making any big decisions.

I have seen this happen to others, including a good friend of mine, and I can only promise you that you WILL be all right in the end and you WILL be happy again.

{{{{HUGS}}}}