I am totally and utterly depressed *Update 4/4/10*

[Motherofboys]

But he is NOT taking care of her. He's not even trying to find a job.

OP, I hope things improve for you soon.

I didn't mean "taking care of her" financially. I meant if he is staying home and taking care of her. I can't imagine that she would be paying for daycare if he is sitting at home?

My DH is a stay at home dad. Yeah he wasn't good at working and he isn't the world's greatest stay at home either, but he takes good care of our kids. If I had to pay daycare for all of them, there is no way we would make it on my salary alone.

Did I miss something that said he is staying home but not watching their daughter?

 

[wvjules]

I didn't mean "taking care of her" financially. I meant if he is staying home and taking care of her. I can't imagine that she would be paying for daycare if he is sitting at home?

My DH is a stay at home dad. Yeah he wasn't good at working and he isn't the world's greatest stay at home either, but he takes good care of our kids. If I had to pay daycare for all of them, there is no way we would make it on my salary alone.

Did I miss something that said he is staying home but not watching their daughter?

They obviously need his income therefore he isn't taking care of either of them. This has nothing to do with daycare, or whether he is watching DD during the day. They need him to find a job and he's not even trying.

BTW, wasn't good at working? Sorry, but that's a sorry excuse if I ever saw one.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Situations can cause depression, and those can be compounded if you're predisposed to depression or other forms of emotional disturbances. So feeling better might be twofold - treating your underlying depression (if you so choose) and also changing or improving your situation (which you must).

As others have said, you need to get some help, to start. Your primary care doctor is a good place to start. He or she can help steer you in the right direction with referrals to counseling, social service agencies, etc. Hopefully you have people in your life who can be supportive while you sort this out. (Definitely easier said than done.) Of course I'd try to involve your husband, as well, but it's important for you to get help for yourself (and thereby your daughter) even if he won't.

Good luck to you, hon.

 

[Motherofboys]

They obviously need his income therefore he isn't taking care of either of them. This has nothing to do with daycare, or whether he is watching DD during the day. They need him to find a job and he's not even trying.

BTW, wasn't good at working? Sorry, but that's a sorry excuse if I ever saw one.

I don't know the OP's situation but for people who don't have advanced degrees or are in a poor job market - whether or not you pay for daycare can have a large financial impact on a family's budget. So is they could make it financially with her DH staying home and taking care of her daughter - why would that be bad?

And obviously I was generalizing when I said "not good at working". My DH worked the first part of our marriage while I went to school.

I have more earning power and am more reliable when it comes to not quitting jobs. Some people have disabilities that cause them to make poor, irrational choices like quitting jobs/getting fired. You can call it a "poor excuse" if you would like. I am happy that you don't have to deal with that with your husband, but unfortunately some of us do. Kicking them to the curb is not always the best solution.

 

[mtemm]

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry. and I highly recommend seeing a therapist...it can be a wonderful experience that can help you deal with all of this and have a brighter tomorrow. I wish you well. money struggles are hard enough when you are both on the same page, when you aren't, well, not good, as you well know.

 

[claudia]

correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but isn't your DH bi-polar? I think I remember a while ago when you posted that he was not taking his meds and you had difficulties? Is he still refusing to take his meds?

 

[Jenvenza]

correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but isn't your DH bi-polar? I think I remember a while ago when you posted that he was not taking his meds and you had difficulties? Is he still refusing to take his meds?

You are correct. No meds. And now, he cant seem to keep a job.

I would love to respond to all of you, I am just feeling a little overwhelmed today. But thank you all for your kind words and suggestions.

he does stay home and take care of our daughter, because we cannot afford childcare with just my salary. And she loves her daddy dearly and he loves her dearly. but he does nothing around the house for me and provides no financial support. So in that way, he is not taking care of his daughter. I told him that once and it led to a horrible fight.

I think he is depressed as well - but that goes along with him being bi-polar. He says now he has no insurance, so he cant get meds, but he didnt go when he had insurance, so that is just an excuse at this point.

I have a WONDERFUL family who would take me and my DD in in a heartbeat. But they live about an hour and a half away from my job, so I dont know how I would manage that at the moment.

There is a lot more to the situation than just money problems. Like I said, this is just the latest. thing to add to the list.

 

[claudia]

You are correct. No meds. And now, he cant seem to keep a job.

I would love to respond to all of you, I am just feeling a little overwhelmed today. But thank you all for your kind words and suggestions.

he does stay home and take care of our daughter, because we cannot afford childcare with just my salary. And she loves her daddy dearly and he loves her dearly. but he does nothing around the house for me and provides no financial support. So in that way, he is not taking care of his daughter. I told him that once and it led to a horrible fight.

I think he is depressed as well - but that goes along with him being bi-polar. He says now he has no insurance, so he cant get meds, but he didnt go when he had insurance, so that is just an excuse at this point.

I have a WONDERFUL family who would take me and my DD in in a heartbeat. But they live about an hour and a half away from my job, so I dont know how I would manage that at the moment.

There is a lot more to the situation than just money problems. Like I said, this is just the latest. thing to add to the list.

I am so sorry to hear this. My SILs DH was bi-polar and refused meds as well so I do somewhat understand what you are going through. Even though it is 90 minutes each way to your job from your family home, maybe it is time to talk about things with them.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Call me a lone wolf for voicing an opposing point of view if you want but as the child of a messed up environment I am DEFINITELY NOT an advocate of holding a marriage together for a child's sake. In my case I would have been infinitely better off had I been able to grow up in a stable single parent household and love my father from a safe distance. Sure I would have been upset but looking back that house was no place for a kid. Trouble is kids don't know any better than what they are used to so sometimes a parent has to step up and make a hard choice and leave the other parent behind. Sometimes this means disappointing a child who disagrees otherwise a kid ends up with 2 messed up parents and no stability at all. Sometimes the 'right' situation is to save yourself and your child. Grown-ups who need care should not trump a kid who needs care, after all only children are truly helpless.

Stay strong, your DD needs you.

 

[vettechick99]

I don't have much advice, except lots of and when you are ready to work on your marriage, look into Retrouvaille. They don't turn anyone anyway for not being able to pay.

 

[java]

No advice just a hug.

 

[luvflorida]

I am sorry for all that you are dealing with right now. Sending a hug for you and your family. Take care of yourself and that beautiful little girl of yours.

 

[4nana]

I'm so sorry you are going through this . Sounds like you are carrying all the weight for your family and that has to be so tough trying to make ends meet all the way around. Your DH is obviously ill with depression. Let's hope he can somehow find the willpower to get the proper help, meds, courage, to dig his way out of the doldrums and share some responsibility. Meanwhile believe there is always hope, take care of yourself and DD first. Lean on your faith, family, friends, do what's best for your own well being and upbringing of your beautiful little girl. Know your Dis friends send lots of prayers and hugs for a better tomorrow.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm sorry you are still going through this, only worse. I remember a post of yours that was a long time ago. I think you had a Snow White outfit on and your little girl was not much more than a baby, IIRC. I have seen some of your posts over time and I wanted to ask how you were doing, but I thought (and hoped) things must be better.

I'm a big believer in climbing out of ruts. I'm all about action. I can't tell you what action to take, but it sounds like you are ready for change. Counseling is good, but you also need your burdens lifted.

I'm sure you feel stressed to the max, full of tension, resentment, and disappointment. If you can't get to a counselor soon, I suggest keeping a journal for yourself. I'd hide it until you are ready to share it with your DH. But you need a safe place to get all of your feelings out. That would at least be a start. Can you go for a walk during your lunch break? I think it would be valuable to get out, exercise and clear your mind.

Many hugs to you. I hope you can reach a peaceful, positive, concrete, resolution soon.

ETA- Find ways to be good to yourself!

 

[Jenvenza]

Today seems worse than it did a couple of days ago. Yesterday, I told my DH I would go into work a little late to give him a chance to go look for work - we only have one car and a scooter - and he refused to get out of bed. I finally had enough, gave him another chance to TRY to help our family out, and he didnt feel like getting out. So I said fine, I am going into work. Well, that upset my DD really badly. She starts crying for me to stay with her and not go to work. I try to console her and tell her I will be back soon, but mommy has to get ready to leave. She is hysterical and I feel awful. My DH then storms up out of the bed and says to me - you obviously dont want to deal with our daughter today, so you are going to work! I told him that didnt even make sense - but he loves to turn things around on me. I told him no, I gave him a chance to get up and look for work, he chose not to, so I had to go in. One of us at least has to work. He then takes a sippy cup off the table and throws it at my face. It missed, but that was it. I took my DD and went to my sisters for the entire day. When I got back, he was there. We didnt speak. But I think I know what I have to do now. I have to leave. It is just so hard - but I have to think about my DD. I know she loves her daddy to pieces and he loves her, but this is getting bad. It is affecting everything around me. I cannot work, sleep or even think. I called my parents and they said they would do whatever I wanted them to do.

I am just a mess today and work seems like it is going to drag on forever.

 

[glitterkittyy]

Today seems worse than it did a couple of days ago. Yesterday, I told my DH I would go into work a little late to give him a chance to go look for work - we only have one car and a scooter - and he refused to get out of bed. I finally had enough, gave him another chance to TRY to help our family out, and he didnt feel like getting out. So I said fine, I am going into work. Well, that upset my DD really badly. She starts crying for me to stay with her and not go to work. I try to console her and tell her I will be back soon, but mommy has to get ready to leave. She is hysterical and I feel awful. My DH then storms up out of the bed and says to me - you obviously dont want to deal with our daughter today, so you are going to work! I told him that didnt even make sense - but he loves to turn things around on me. I told him no, I gave him a chance to get up and look for work, he chose not to, so I had to go in. One of us at least has to work. He then takes a sippy cup off the table and throws it at my face. It missed, but that was it. I took my DD and went to my sisters for the entire day. When I got back, he was there. We didnt speak. But I think I know what I have to do now. I have to leave. It is just so hard - but I have to think about my DD. I know she loves her daddy to pieces and he loves her, but this is getting bad. It is affecting everything around me. I cannot work, sleep or even think. I called my parents and they said they would do whatever I wanted them to do.

I am just a mess today and work seems like it is going to drag on forever.

Yes, your DD loves her daddy. And your leaving will ensure that she never has to see her daddy hurt her mommy. He missed you, but he tried to hit you. That's a dealbreaker. Get out and don't look back (and I know that's easier said than done). You are doing the right thing!

I'm so sorry, but you just keep reminding yourself that you are doing this for your DD...AND yourself!

Is your DD with him while you work today? I'm concerned because I know he loves her, and likely won't hurt her, but did you think he'd try to hurt you? Be careful. Maybe a friend or loved one could watch her while you work for awhile...

 

[snapppyd]

I wish I could just come there and help you. You have to get out of there, he is not taking medication and his behavior is escalating. Can you commute to work from your sister's house? I'm so sorry this is happening, but you really need to take steps to get away from him.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm so sorry. Do what you have to do to be safe and secure. Try not to feel guilty. It's out of your hands. Violence is a deal breaker.

 

[Motherofboys]

Oh God Jen, I am SO sorry

The throwing the sippy cup thing is just too much. I understand that he needs help and he needs to get back on his medication.....but I also don't see how you can stay if it is going to put you in danger and expose your daughter to that kind of behavior

Hopefully you leaving will be the incentive he needs to get his **** together so he can at least be a good dad. I am so sorry you are going through this, I know that it must be hurting you terribly and just eating away at you.

Please feel free to PM if you need to talk. And PLEASE have him check out (or you will probably have to do it for him) free insurance and prescription programs in your state. I don't know what state you are in, but I am sure that they have something available.

Take care of yourself and your daughter

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry.