*I* am stressed out about my DD

[sharbear]

I am turning into a real wacko. I have debated about posting this on this forum *TMI*, but I think that I'm losing it.

I have a DD 14 in the 8th grade. She is having a *really* tough year. She is not the most popular girl in school, she doesn't want to be the most popular girl. But the other girls are so mean. We go places and the other girls in her class won't even talk to her. I don't know. I have a DS 16 and all the kids talk to him. He's not the most popular guy in the world, but guys seem to talk to other guys, it doesn't matter what social group they are in. Girls, they don't do this. It doesn't help that her particular grade has twice as many boys as girls, so there aren't many girls in her grade.

She's in the 8th grade and we are scheduling classes for next year. My DD tests in the gifted range on the standardized tests that she takes, but apparently she doesn't test high enough to be put into honors classes for HS. I am really struggling with this. She's getting A's in English and has a 93 adv. but you need to have a 95 adv. to be in Honors. They are only recommending 8 people for Honors. She's struggling in Honors Science but not much more than the other kids. Less than 1/2% but the teacher won't suggest her for Honor's. The teacher is driving me crazy. My DD knows the material but she's not signing her papers in the right spot or little mundane errors which are bringing her grade down.

My DD is hardworking, she's a model student who is really trying hard. She study's hard and it seems that it's getting her nowhere. I am very fustrated.

I need to figure out how not to go completely crazy over this. I'm going off the deep end. I really want to help her but I think that I'm only making it worse. I always thought that hard work would pay off but it seems that it's just not working. I thought that if she was in the Honors classes she would fit in better but I guess that she's not going to have that happen.

 

[always quiet]

Maybe if you tried to talk to the guidence dept, they might be able to help with your DD placement for next year.

Sending pixie dust your way... I KNOW all us moms need an extra helping from time to time!!

 

[grinningghost]

Aren't girls so mean? I also have a 14 year old girl and sometimes those catty girl things really get on my nerves. Maybe this is one of those times when you should step back a little and let her handle things. Let the school schedule her into whatever classes they feel she should be in, and just let it happen. As far as those nasty girls though, let's just hope they start to grow up soon.

 

[DawnCt]

Originally posted by sharbear
this. She's getting A's in English and has a 93 adv. but you need to have a 95 adv. to be in Honors. They are only recommending 8 people for Honors. She's struggling in Honors Science but not much more than the other kids.
My DD is hardworking, she's a model student who is really trying hard. She study's hard and it seems that it's getting her nowhere. I am very fustrated.

I need to figure out how not to go completely crazy over this. I'm going off the deep end. I really want to help her but I think that I'm only making it worse. I always thought that hard work would pay off but it seems that it's just not working. I thought that if she was in the Honors classes she would fit in better but I guess that she's not going to have that happen.

Your perception that she is working hard and it is not paying off is wrong. It is paying off. She is getting good grades. By your communicating to her that it "isn't paying off", no matter on what level you do that, you are letting her know that her best isn't good enough. She is already getting that from her peers. Kids "fit in " on all kinds of levels. They don't have to be the best to have friends. Encourage her to join clubs in high school, there are a lot of choices. Encourage her to try out for a team, tennis, golf, basketball, softball. Encourage her to express an interest in other people. Most people love to talk about themselves, girls especially. And good luck. No one who said that the teen years were the best years of our lives really meant it.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Well, I have no good answers but hang in there.
I have an 8th grade boy and it just seems to be a horrible year.
Even kids that to me appear to have it so together - I talk to their parents and hear these tales of nightly crying fits and stomping around the house growling "everybody hates me! I have no friends!!!" whew. I remember Jr. High as being bad, but I think it is even worse now.

Try your hardest to get her into Honor's Classes, but if she doesn't then life isn't over. I think sometimes that we as parents really need to get a grip on our perceptions. Plenty of people who have done horrible in Jr. High and High School have gone on to become wonderful people with fabulous careers. Millions of them.

 

[binny]

(((hugs)))

I dont know where you live but here in Boise we have a " Boise Family Magazine" it lists all sorts of things but just today I was flipping through one at the Dentists office and found an ad for a company that " Instills self estem and confidence in girls"
It sounded like a great program from the ad, they go through the basics of life almost like a charm school type of thing but it sounded really sounded like a neat program!
I wonder if something like that is available where you live?

 

[mudnuri]

I dont know I guess I see this differently than most.

She's getting A's in English and has a 93 adv. but you need to have a 95 adv. to be in Honors. They are only recommending 8 people for Honors

Okay- she missed English- thats a given- 93- 95 she's out...

She's struggling in Honors Science but not much more than the other kids. Less than 1/2% but the teacher won't suggest her for Honor's. The teacher is driving me crazy. My DD knows the material but she's not signing her papers in the right spot or little mundane errors which are bringing her grade down.

Again if she's off by .5% she's off....but I see more to this statement than the others...those "little mundane errors' you mention....are you SURE she wants to be in honors classes, and not that she's doing it for you?

I was in a popular "clique" at school, we were the group of "jocks" both boys and girls, from middle school through high school, we were the same group...in some cases we'd included others as they arrived at our school new etc. but mainly we were a group of about 20-25 that did most things together. (obviously not all at the same time)

What I'm getting at is- maybe your daughter doesnt want to be in honors, and maybe that is why she isn't with the "cliques"....most boys overlook the brainy kid...most girls are very mean....I know that in our "clique" there wasnt anyone who was in honors classes- some of us took anatomy/physiology, some took trig/stats etc... but they were general offerings..I think the honors kids hung out with the honors kids...and that was about it- now if shes only going to have 8 in her honors classes, thats not going to help er socially.

I have a hard time with parents (NOT insinuating anyone here)...pushing their kids to do what they want them to do not what the kids want.....My DD's are only 6 & 7, but I see it in their friends...kids that are having tutors etc... because heaven for bid, they are ONLY performing at grade level!....

Anyway- off my soap box...and I hope this didnt come across the wrong way, just trying to give another perspective, and in no way am I saying what you are doing is not right for your daughter, I just missed some key parts I wanted to point out.

Brandy

 

[nativetxn]

I'm not going to offer advice, only {{{HUGS}}}

 

[kasar]

Do you WANT her in the honors classes? It sounds like you feel that she'll fit in better with the honor class students (maybe that the honors students are into grades more than socializing?). If that's what your daughter wants too then maybe you can talk to the teacher about your concerns. In our schools, the teachers only recommend where they think the kids should go, the students and parents make the final decision.

But again, there's no guarantee that the honors class will be any better. Girls are just so cruel to each other at this age. I've got a middle-schooler next year that I'm worried about. From what everyone tells me, middle school is just basic survival and it gets much better in H.S. when everyone pretty much finds their niche and stops worrying about what everyone else is doing. Hopefully this is the case with your daughter. It will pass (and break your heart in the process). Big to you!

 

[marymrg]

In my son's high school, they said they would evaluate kids after the first 10 weeks and would consider moving kids (in either direction).

My son did well, but if he had struggled, I would've asked that he be moved to college prep. On the flip side, had he not been placed in Honors and was really excelling, I would've asked at the 10 week point if a switch could occur. Just something to think about..........

 

[peg2001]

I can hear your pain and frustration.

Have you considered other options: private school, online charter schools, homeschool? She has 4 more years to get through and I certainly wouldn't back off and just let her be miserable.

Peggy

 

[Sandy V.]

Sorry your daughter is having a hard time with the other girls. 8th grade is tough, but I found that it DID get easier the next year. In high school, everyone seemed to calm down a little and a lot of the clique stuff went away. The kids seemed more relaxed about being themselves.

I agree some posters who have suggested that you may want to evaluate whether it's your desire, rather than your daughter's, to enroll in the honors classes. I mean you no dissrespect when I say that - I push mine pretty strong academically at times. But your daughter may just need the opportunity to "shine" in regular classes. I've seen kids in AP classes at our school who struggled from day one because of the difficulty. They were miserable.

Good luck!!

 

[danacara]

This is SUCH an interesting topic as I have a very different take on it than several of the above posters, all of whom I respect. I might consider this:

1. Squeaky wheel gets the grease: If you want her in honors, put on your power clothes and get a meeting with the principal. I really don't think it much matters whether you want her in honors, she wants herself there, or some combination thereof. If the attitude in your house is "you're going to get good grades, period," so be it, she'll find a way to get good grades in honors.

2. Socially, I think that's a good move: Every high school I've seen firsthand has that little "honors kids clique" that emerges early in 9th grade. Those kids are together all day, not only in class but also in electives, as they have free periods together. After a while, you become friends almost by default.

3. Everyone has a cruddy year somewhere in middle school: Sounds like your daughter's cruddy year is 8th grade. Mine was 5th, my sister's was 6th, and the woman who works next to me just got finished telling me how hers was 7th. It seems to be more or less a rule that every girl would love to throw away one year of middle school and never miss it! It's natural. She is not alone.

4. Three compliments a day: Best middle-school advice I ever got, from my guidance counselor, who told me "secretly" when I was crying in her office at the end of 5th grade - pick the girls you want to be friends with, maybe 4 or 5 of them, it's best if they're friends with each other, and give them a total of three compliments a day, every day. Literally count. It will seem fake and stupid and she won't be able to believe that they aren't seeing right through her, but just wait, in a month or two, she'll be invited to sleepovers. Good compliment ideas include clothes, hair, what good friends she has, good answer in class, etc. etc.
(I know some people would freak out at this advice. "You're telling her to be a fake kiss-up!" Bull. It's middle school, it's not fair, it can be brutal, so find strategies to be competitive).

Hope you two get through this with flying colors.
DC

 

[sharbear]

Thank you everyone who has responded. I am stressing out about this. She is friends with the kids in the Honors classes and fits in a little better there. But I wonder if I am putting my own ambitions for her, I think that she is feeling too much stress in school this year. School has never been hard for her and this year she is having to work. Not a bad thing but if she is experiencing too much stress than maybe she is messing up.

My son was in the lowest math classes in elem. school. He worked hard and is now in Honors Math and Science. It's the best thing for HIM. He fits in better, is thriving and working hard. In fact he's doing better in the Honors classes than his other classes. I think that he is more confident, I know that he is more confident and has better self esteem. I wanted that for my daughter.

It's hard being a Mom of a 14 yo. I thought that it would get easier but it's not.

 

[TimeforMe]

First, I am a mom of a 14 y.o. son and 15 y.o. daughter, so I can relate to your situation. Having said that, however, you have to remember that our children are individuals and what we want for them is not always what they are capable of or what they want for themselves.

As far as the social aspect, I believe your DD will find h.s. to be a whole different ball game and I am sure she will find her niche--wherever that may be. I think the advice you've already gotten about her getting involved in activities is key. Does she play an instrument? How about community service?

As far as the honors classes go, my ds was recommended for honors for 2 out of the 3 possibilities. The one he wasn't recommended for was science. After speaking with the teacher, he expressed that while he felt ds was quite capable of doing the work, he wasn't putting forth much effort, which in his estimation was extremely important in biology. We will wait until the end of the year to revisit it. I had the option of signing a waiver (which I will not do) and just getting him into the class anyway. I felt it was sending a bad message to ds and he needs to be motivated to do it himself.

A good friend of mine did sign a waiver for her dd this year in math and her dd is doing very poorly in the class and having a lot of issues. It is sometimes much better to be the big fish in the little pond. If she does very well as a freshman, maybe they can consider honors classes as a sophomore. I wouldn't push it.

Teenage years are rough for us moms, aren't they? Hang in there and try to keep it all in perspective.

 

[sharbear]

Dana, we were replying at the same time. I do agree with the things that you were saying.

think it much matters whether you want her in honors, she Squeaky wheel gets the grease: If you want her in honors, put on your power clothes and get a meeting with the principal. I really don'twants herself there, or some combination thereof. If the attitude in your house is "you're going to get good grades, period," so be it, she'll find a way to get good grades in honors

That has been how we have approached things. It has worked really well with our son. If we demand more he does better. If we don't expect much, he will coast on his classes. I am wondering if for my daughter is the push for Honors is too much stress on her. But I wonder if she is in the other classes will she just do enough to get by.

. Socially, I think that's a good move: Every high school I've seen firsthand has that little "honors kids clique" that emerges early in 9th grade. Those kids are together all day, not only in class but also in electives, as they have free periods together. After a while, you become friends almost by default.

Again this was the best thing that our son did. He's a nice guy who doesn't play football but runs and by being in the Honors classes, he's fallen into a group that he and I like. My daugher gravitate towards the girls in the Honor's classes. I see other friends of her's who don't seem to place importance on grades and doing homework. Things that are not an option in our house. This is a girl who wants to do well and is making Honor Roll. How advanced do they need to be to succeed in the Honors classes. My son has no problems and the higher expectations work for him. He struggles in the classes that are too distracting. The teacher's are more eager to teach the Honors classes, the kids are more motivated and are not messing around.

Everyone has a cruddy year somewhere in middle school: Sounds like your daughter's cruddy year is 8th grade. Mine was 5th, my sister's was 6th, and the woman who works next to me just got finished telling me how hers was 7th. It seems to be more or less a rule that every girl would love to throw away one year of middle school and never miss it! It's natural. She is not alone.

I hope this is the case. Maybe 8th grade is the rotten grade and HS will be much better. Our son had a great 9th grade year, maybe next year will be my DD's turn.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I have appreciated *everything* everyone has said and taken that advise to heart. Even the ones that make me question my motives.