I am so mad at my DH I can hardly stand it! (long)

[tworkit]

But to a SAHP, it is practically sacrilege(sp?) to suggest that these every day duties are anything other than the most important work ever done by (wo)mankind.

Right on!

 

[azgal81]

I'm glad you are your husband have talked about the issue and he understands! I don't have kids but I do know that being a stay at home mom is not easy work! You too deserve a break every once in awhile. I understand that you don't know alot of people in the area maybe you have a hobby that you can join a group with. Like I love to knit so I am in a knitting group that meets in a coffeshop! Or maybe even book discussions if you like to read I know our library has one of those!

 

[misskrystal]

I'm sorry, but when you work at home and get 4+ hours every day to yourself...I just don't think it's right to complain when your DH takes a day on one of his few days off and spends it on himself. Yeah, it may be a problem if he did it constantly, and was never at home, but that is a completely different issue.

Oh well...there is no middle ground in this argument, and this happens every time the SAHM thing comes up. Sorry, but I just don't have a lot of sympathy for someone that stays at home while someone else goes out and works to support them. If you want "time with grown ups", get a job...the business world is full of them.

So why do people bother to pay their housekeepers and babysitters. Surely they do the same jobs as SAHM's?

 

[NCDisneyMom]

Sorry, but I just don't have a lot of sympathy for someone that stays at home while someone else goes out and works to support them. If you want "time with grown ups", get a job...the business world is full of them.

OUCH! Sorry, I just bit my tongue a little too hard....

 

[wvrevy]

So why do people bother to pay their housekeepers and babysitters. Surely they do the same jobs as SAHM's?

Not their house, not their babies. It makes a difference. Washing your own car is a "chore". Working at a car wash is a "job".

NCDisneyMom - Don't draw blood or anything Trust me, I know my opinion on this isn't "PC" (which I usually try to be) or terribly popular (which I couldn't care less about). I doubt there is anything much you could say that I haven't heard before on this board in discussions like this. Fire away, I promise I can take it.

 

[misskrystal]

Not their house, not their babies. It makes a difference.

I guess your right, SAHM don't get paid and don't get to leave the house when the chores are done. Sounds much harder to me.

 

[PatriciaH]

This thread is very interesting and OP I do understand what you are going through. It is one of the many reasons DH and I choose not to have children. I think a lot of women and men need to know what life is like after having children. People make it out to be hugs and sunshine all the time and it is not. Being a SAHM is hard. Many people loose themselves, their dreams and their SO in the process. Are kids worth it? Many people would say yes. Many no. We don't like it, but right now in our society SAHM work is not considered as important as going out and earning a living work. Many men do not consider child rearing as important as woman. Sure, they love their children but they also love their work, friends and time for themselves/hobbies. Women give a lot of this up when they have kids. More people are thinking this through today and that is why women in developed nations are having less/no children.

I love my DH and spend most of my time with him. He is my best friend. We have similar interests and hobbies-this is why we got married I do not understand never seeing your family. What kind of life is that? What is the point of having a family then? By family I mean wife/DH as well as children! I don't understand "looking forward to when we can spend more time together when the kids are grown" either. You are waiting 21+ YEARS to spend time with someone you love? What is the point?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

This thread is very interesting and OP I do understand what you are going through. It is one of the many reasons DH and I choose not to have children. I think a lot of women and men need to know what life is like after having children. People make it out to be hugs and sunshine all the time and it is not. Being a SAHM is hard. Many people loose themselves, their dreams and their SO in the process. Are kids worth it? Many people would say yes. Many no. We don't like it, but right now in our society SAHM work is not considered as important as going out and earning a living work. Many men do not consider child rearing as important as woman. Sure, they love their children but they also love their work, friends and time for themselves/hobbies. Women give a lot of this up when they have kids. More people are thinking this through today and that is why women in developed nations are having less/no children.

I love my DH and spend most of my time with him. He is my best friend. We have similar interests and hobbies-this is why we got married I do not understand never seeing your family. What kind of life is that? What is the point of having a family then? By family I mean wife/DH as well as children! I don't understand "looking forward to when we can spend more time together when the kids are grown" either. You are waiting 21+ YEARS to spend time with someone you love? What is the point?

Great post! And your 1st paragraph describes me and my hubby.

 

[Christine]

PatriciaH--very good post. A lot of people don't think this out.

What I've noticed is that women (moms) are very quick to give up their outside interests once they have kids. Maybe it's the cute little baby in front of you, or the raging hormones, but when it first happens, it doesn't seem like a big deal. I think we women just hurt ourselves by being "controlling." In the beginning, you can't really bear to leave the baby and *gasp* go to a movie with your friend. You think it's only temporary but, 5 years later, you realize that you've created a monster!! Fathers generally never feel the need to stop doing what they love, getting together with their friends, going golfing. Oh, it might get curtailed a bit, but they don't stop. Once we women realize what we've let slip, it's REALLY hard to get it back. The roles are set, the habits are there.

Both my DH and I work outside the home (the kids are 14 and 11 now). My DH is an avid cyclist. He has NEVER stopped cycling. Of course, if I'm really busy and there are things to be done, he will forego his cycling. And when the kids were babies, he'd cycle at, like, 5:00 a.m., just so he could get it in. But, I gave up my "stuff" (even if it was just going to mall with a friend). It seemed like there was always too much to be done. And how could *I* fit it in around his cycling? Why was his hobby more important than mine? I think women are just that way--always trying to please.

Even though my kids are older, there are still so many things to be done around the house. I work all day, do chores all night and all weekend. I'm still not having much fun!

 

[TDC Nala]

This thread is one of the few I have read on the CB that actually makes me glad I'm not married.

I have complete autonomy and no one gives a crap when or even if I come home. However, I doubt anybody here would want to change places with me, because, after all, no one gives a crap when or even if I come home.

 

[SillyMe]

This thread is one of the few I have read on the CB that actually makes me glad I'm not married.

I have complete autonomy and no one gives a crap when or even if I come home. However, I doubt anybody here would want to change places with me, because, after all, no one gives a crap when or even if I come home.

 

[Pembo]

I have complete autonomy and no one gives a crap when or even if I come home. However, I doubt anybody here would want to change places with me, because, after all, no one gives a crap when or even if I come home.


TDC Nala - There are days when I would gladly change places with you, like today........

 

[dmslush]

Great Post!! I have had friends who have devoted their lives to their children and now are facing divorce or are already divorced due to wrapping their whole lives around their children. It's a very sad thing to see.

I too see this on a regular basis, and it is very sad! My boss and her husband are having a very difficult time right now. They have let their world revolve around their only child and then, who would have guessed it, the child moved away to college. The couple has absolutely NOTHING in common with one another anymore. It is very sad for everyone involved. Right now, their lives revolve around when she comes home on break.

 

[TDC Nala]

TDC Nala - There are days when I would gladly change places with you, like today

Sounds like a reality show in the making!

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Great Post!! I have had friends who have devoted their lives to their children and now are facing divorce or are already divorced due to wrapping their whole lives around their children. It's a very sad thing to see.

My DSIS is a great example of this. For years she did daycare from their home and their lives totally revolved around he sons sports. That was all they did - devote their lives to their children. Well for the last few years - she has realized that she has absolutely nothing in common with her DH. She doesn't even like him anymore let alone love him. We live several states apart and for the first time 2 years ago we went on vacation together. Her family treats her like dirt. I was so mad I couldn't stand it and my DH even chewed out her grown sons.

Well for financial reasons I don't think they will ever divorce...but it's really hard to watch...

 

[mookie]

I'm sorry, but when you work at home and get 4+ hours every day to yourself...I just don't think it's right to complain when your DH takes a day on one of his few days off and spends it on himself.

One of the points I think we are missing here is not the fact that she has 4 hours to herself. This 4 hours does not mean she sits around and does nothing just because her kid is at preschool. A SAHM does not look at it that way. Rather, think of it in the corporate sense: You spend all day in meetings with other people, giving your time to everyone else at your job, and those days that you have meetings, your own work tends to suffer. Everyone I know that had all day meetings in the corporate world (myself included when I was there) had to really play catch up to make sure all the rest of their work was done once they had time to finally get back to their desk. Think of those 4 hours as "getting back to the desk."

One of the other things that I think I'm getting for the OP and others is something that has been a topic of conversation in our house lately, as well. It's not the fact that the OP is necessarily looking for time alone. I think she is looking more for a break, or "time as a family." I know when my DH goes out on a Sat, the last thing I want to do is go out on Sunday. That is because it is the only day that we would then have to spend as a family that entire week, and I just can't do that for "alone time." I'm not really asking for "alone time" all the time. What I'm asking for, and I think many other SAHM's are, also, is that we want to be given the choice to have our alone time without sacrificing more "family time" since that is so few and far between in the first place, and it gets cut down even more when one of the weekend days is spent with DH again out of the house.

Just some thoughts, but I did find this thread great...it also helped me to see I'm not alone and crazy in my thinking, either!!

 

[Robindianne]

Excellent articulation Melissa! I bet thousands of spouses/SOs/parents all over the world are cheering and feeling normal and understood!

 

[mookie]

Excellent articulation Melissa! I bet thousands of spouses/SOs/parents all over the world are cheering and feeling normal and understood!

Thanks - I know if I were to show my DH that post, he would say I'm crazy...

 

[DVC Sadie]

My DSIS is a great example of this. For years she did daycare from their home and their lives totally revolved around he sons sports. That was all they did - devote their lives to their children. Well for the last few years - she has realized that she has absolutely nothing in common with her DH. She doesn't even like him anymore let alone love him. We live several states apart and for the first time 2 years ago we went on vacation together. Her family treats her like dirt. I was so mad I couldn't stand it and my DH even chewed out her grown sons.

Well for financial reasons I don't think they will ever divorce...but it's really hard to watch...

My best friends husband just asked her for a divorce and she says she never saw it coming. My dh said he saw it coming and usually my dh doesn't see muck. Oh well we all do the best we can but sometimes its a huge disservice to all the family to not focus on adult only type of activities.

 

[jfulcer]

Why wouldn't her location be believed? I'm not sure how this has anything to do with her dilemma. Texas Hill Country could be any of the smaller towns near San Antonio or Austin - Kerrville, San Marcos, New Braunfels, Gruene, Fredericksburg.

Because she may have chosen to say that, even if she didn't live in that area. I was trying to point out that there are PLENTY of things that she could do close to home without too much time or energy outlay.