I am ripped apart UPDATE Post #125

[dennis99ss]

and, of course, it is more easily pontificated on than actually doing.

 

[DebIreland]

OP, big hugs for you.

dennis99ss advice would be perfect if your question had been "how do I make myself a doormat for DH?" While I actually agree with dennis99ss that if this is going to work in the long run you will both need to be on-board with making it work, I most certainly don't think you should be pro-actively offering to help your DH through this. Anyway, that's in the long run. Right now, suggesting you help your DH through this is just crazy talk. He's taken away a big chunk of your heart, your trust and your peace of mind. He's going to have to work very very hard at giving those things back and, even then, it might not work. It's very early days. For now, simply look after yourself and take it one hour at a time.

 

[NY Disney fan]

You have to work together, and cutting and running, or letting him do all the work is not going to cut it.

First she has to make sure she doesn't have an STD. Takes about 3 months before she'll know for sure. Then she'll talk.

 

[dennis99ss]

who cares about std's in this situation. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill. You are talking about a symptom of the disease(no pun intended), and not the disease itself. You can treat the symptom--(std), but the disease (relationship breakdown)is what you should be worried about. If you wait three months to talk, you won't. if thats the case, just make it easy and say goodbye now.

and, don't get into types of std's etc. The point is, the std discussion is not helpful to what is important to the OP, which is the relationship.

If I have a sinus infection, and have a headache, I take an aspirin. It treats the headache. It does nothing for the cause of the headache. Same thought process here. Any std discussion is a rabbit trail, which needs to be explored, but is not the focus of the issue.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If OP truly loves him with all her soul, helping him, is actually helping her. The thought process of I am the victim, I don't have to do anything, and he has to do everything, only ends with the relationship in the trash.

OP has the power to save the relationship. She alone has that power, since she can end it. If she wants to save it, she needs to save it by being in a relationship, and not by dictating what the relationship will be. By doing so, you have no relationship. To be in a relationship, she needs to help the other, and by doing so, she helps herself, and, likely strengthens the bond between them.

A great mental approach, but only one to be taken if he seems to be committed to change.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

First she has to make sure she doesn't have an STD. Takes about 3 months before she'll know for sure. Then she'll talk.

Sorry - if she waits 3 months, her relationship is over. Why would she wait?

 

[dennis99ss]

Bama
Agree

(With everything but that roll tide stuff)

 

[SaraJayne]

OP, big hugs for you.

dennis99ss advice would be perfect if your question had been "how do I make myself a doormat for DH?" While I actually agree with dennis99ss that if this is going to work in the long run you will both need to be on-board with making it work, I most certainly don't think you should be pro-actively offering to help your DH through this. Anyway, that's in the long run. Right now, suggesting you help your DH through this is just crazy talk. He's taken away a big chunk of your heart, your trust and your peace of mind. He's going to have to work very very hard at giving those things back and, even then, it might not work. It's very early days. For now, simply look after yourself and take it one hour at a time.

I agree with Deb.

Worrying about how he feels right now should not be your focus. YOU should be your focus.

I'm wishing you peace, whatever you decide is right for you.

 

[dzorn]

who cares about std's in this situation. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill. You are talking about a symptom of the disease(no pun intended), and not the disease itself. You can treat the symptom--(std), but the disease (relationship breakdown)is what you should be worried about. If you wait three months to talk, you won't. if thats the case, just make it easy and say goodbye now.

and, don't get into types of std's etc. The point is, the std discussion is not helpful to what is important to the OP, which is the relationship.

If I have a sinus infection, and have a headache, I take an aspirin. It treats the headache. It does nothing for the cause of the headache. Same thought process here. Any std discussion is a rabbit trail, which needs to be explored, but is not the focus of the issue.

Sorry but the OP needs to take care of herself first. Her health and happiness are the most important to her. Relationship second if SHE chooses to. Sorry but the OP husband does need to change or else he will cheat again.

The OP responsibility is not to help her husband to feel better. She does have a responsibility to work on her relationship if she feels it is best for her.

Denise in MI

 

[Freyja]

I´m so sorry you´re going through this and in so much pain!

 

[dennis99ss]

last post for me so as not to prolong any pain.

but, dzorn,

Sorry but the OP needs to take care of herself first. Her health and happiness are the most important to her. Relationship second if SHE chooses to. Sorry but the OP husband does need to change or else he will cheat again.

The OP responsibility is not to help her husband to feel better. She does have a responsibility to work on her relationship if she feels it is best for her.

I don't think i indicated all of your comments were not important. they are, with the exception of OP having no responsibility, which is where we differ. It is simply the process which is undertaken to address the problems that we seem to be at odds about. I believe that happiness is likely to come from the relationship mending process, if that is really what everybody wants, which is what it sounds like. And yes, hubby needs to change, but he needs to change because he wants to, and as a part of the process, not as a result of an edict from OP. He has to be a part of the change, and she can help. This is where she can help him, in finding himself again, in understanding how much he hurt her, etc. Anyway, enough from me.

To the OP; good luck. I hope you rely on the strength of your relationship to mend it, rather than take the crack/fracture and fully pull it apart. Your coming on here to discuss it shows you have a desire to try to save it.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I am so sorry this happened for you...



It is really easy to just say its over, but the consequences are life-long and serious. If you have children it is especially important to try and work things out.

If it was a spur of the moment thing, perhaps he was just curious. I hate to say this, but there are times when men get into their "I'm 18 again" mode and don't think. It could be a mid-life thing. It could be him wondering if he did the right thing to be stuck with the same person for the rest of his life. It isn't excusable, but it is what it is.

It is important to talk about things. He probably won't want to, though. He is probably pretty darned ashamed of himself right now.

Things you can do to help...try to make more time for each other. Try to do things you meant to do earlier in life and just never got around to it. Try spicing up the bedroom life and making sure there is enough of it.

I am not trying to say that he doesn't owe you a whole heap of apologies; but I've been there, and living life as a single mom SUCKS. There is just never enough money, time, and well, the list goes on and on... It is the last thing you want to happen. Giving your marriage a complete overhaul is a much better idea.

If there are no kids involved, than perhaps you really should just boot him...

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Howdoyouleave?

You suck up what's left of your self respect, you stand tall and think/say I AM WORTHY OF MORE and you kick his sorry, possibly infected *** to the curb.

Easy? no. But no one said that respecting yourself was going to be handed to you on a platter, right?

Best of luck honey. Get rid of the two timing, germinfested creep.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I am noticing a trend - the same posters seem to jump to the "dump him now, he will only continue to hurt you" conclusion in every thread. Maybe we should start a support group?

 

[zurgswife]

I am so sorry this happened for you...



It is really easy to just say its over, but the consequences are life-long and serious. If you have children it is especially important to try and work things out.

If it was a spur of the moment thing, perhaps he was just curious. I hate to say this, but there are times when men get into their "I'm 18 again" mode and don't think. It could be a mid-life thing. It could be him wondering if he did the right thing to be stuck with the same person for the rest of his life. It isn't excusable, but it is what it is.

It is important to talk about things. He probably won't want to, though. He is probably pretty darned ashamed of himself right now.

Things you can do to help...try to make more time for each other. Try to do things you meant to do earlier in life and just never got around to it. Try spicing up the bedroom life and making sure there is enough of it.

I am not trying to say that he doesn't owe you a whole heap of apologies; but I've been there, and living life as a single mom SUCKS. There is just never enough money, time, and well, the list goes on and on... It is the last thing you want to happen. Giving your marriage a complete overhaul is a much better idea.

If there are no kids involved, than perhaps you really should just boot him...

I'd like to recommend to all posters not this specific one that you really should read an entire thread or at least scan response posts by the OP before you comment. Just about everything mentioned in the post has been answered or is incorrect assumption based on the original post. Done with my public service announcement...

 

[notme]

I, too, am a longtime poster under a different login. My current situation is not about cheating but I believe that my DH's past cheating has contributed to the bad place we're in now.

But back to this thread. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope is works out in a way that's best for you.

I'm not going to offer advise but I will share my experience. My DH had an affair 23 years ago. I had all the feelings the OP talks about. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. He had one night stands before but for whatever reason I dismissed them. This was different, it went on for months.

My DH has never apologized. He wouldn't leave. We had young children and I had nowhere to go, so I stayed. He refused to go to counseling. Not long afterwards he came down with serious health problems and I no longer had to worry about him having an affair (if you get what I mean).

It effects my relationship with him to this day, but I don't think he ever thinks about it. It effected our children, who are now adults. One of them in particular has serious issues and I truly believe that our relationship (DH and me) has been part of the problem.

I don't know what the right answer is, every situation is different. I just know my life has not been the "happily ever after" I thought it would be. It would have been different if I left, but to this day I don't know if it would have been better for me. I do think he would have been happier if he left.

 

[C.Ann]

I am so sorry for your pain.

Check out this site for support, no matter what you decide to do.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Don't do anything right now, just lay low. Visit the surviving infidelity website that was quoted to you above. It is an excellent site. Good luck.

First of all, I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through right now..

And I think you know that in your current state of mind, you really can't make any rational decisions - ones that are well thought out.. I agree with the two posts above..

Having been divorced myself once, I really hate to see anyone go through that without exploring all available options rather than making hasty decisions.. Take some time.. Allow yourself to deal with the grief and anger.. Once you have done that, visit the site above - if for no other reason than to be certain that whatever your decision is, it's the right one for you..

 

[violetrose]

I just couldnt do this.

I wouldnt want to be checking my spouses/significant others email and cell for the rest of my life. You are supposed to trust the one you choose to spend your life with. If you decide to forgive, than you have to begin to trust again.

I am not saying your way is wrong, just saying that I couldnt do it for those reasons.

I couldn't do it either. I also couldn't forgive my spouse if he cheated on me with his drug addicted alcoholic ex-wife. I might be able to withstand a one-night stand, no emotional ties thing; but what her spouse did sounds really thoughtless and really dangerous. I could never trust him again.

 

[december]

I'm sorry, but if dh cheated, affair or one night stand, I'd be gone with all 3 kids before he knew what was happening. No way in hell would I be worried about helping him, and staying with him "for the kids" would be the last thing on my mind! OP doesn't have kids with her dh, he got drunk with his ex wife and cheated, and then ex calls and tells her about it? OP may be able to get past that and forgive, but I don't have it in me.

 

[howdouleave]

WHEW!!!! I actually started quoting posts but it got too long

24 hours later, little sleep, a million phone calls, a late night knock on my hotel room door and many many tears later I am still in a surreal bubble.

I am not going home until Monday, I am taking some space and time to digest. I have no decision, but I will say I will leave or stay in MY time, that I now know.

Here we go - while I agree with lots that has been said on both the cut & run and the counseling & stay sides I do know one thing. I am in no way responible for this, I take none, I accept none. I did not do a single thing to "drive" him there. I treat him like the star of my world he was, I thought he did the same. maybe I treated him too good. I do not want a doormat, I want the man's man I love. Now don't take that to mean I am in any way subservient, doting, milktoast - far from it but I do know I would never & could never be with anyone who is a doormat.

Next - I love him with my whole heart & soul but I am 50(today) and I know sometimes life just isn't fair.

We are talking, well he is begging. We shall see, he did not spend the night, and will not tonight. Time & space.

Oh and I confronted his ex, who will be henceforth referred to as The DrugBag YES TO HER FACE ALSO!! and no not in front of his kids - never would I ever do that!

We both got tested, primary results by Wednesday. I take STD's very very seriously. I have a very close friend who is HIV/AIDS positive and know the life it creates first hand.

So in conclusion I am in a bit better frame of mind. I will survive, I am off my knees and out of the fetal position, on my feet - albeit wobbly. Like the old song says - I will Survive - whether we do I do not know. One Day At A Time - gees cliches are all over today