I am ripped apart UPDATE Post #125

[howdouleave]

Okay another long time DISer gone anonymous for this brief moment. I just need to get this out. In time I will add this info in my real life dis name but for now........

I am destroyed, I just found out that my DH has been chearting. It was not a longtime affair just a drunken ( I want to use vulgarity). I know I have to leave, I forgave one years ago before we were committed so I chalked it to nerves etc & forgave - plus I was no angel myself before the plunge.

Now I feel such pain, I never knew existed. I can barely function, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and hide.

How do cope? How do heal? How do leave? I have loved 2 men in my life but this man I honestly felt he was my other half. I am physically ill over this.

I know I need to leave but how? how do you move on? I really can't believe this is happening it is utterly surreal.

 

[Jennasis]

I don't know the answers. But I want to send you a big hug.

 

[Mermaid02]

Okay another long time DISer gone anonymous for this brief moment. I just need to get this out. In time I will add this info in my real life dis name but for now........

I am destroyed, I just found out that my DH has been chearting. It was not a longtime affair just a drunken ( I want to use vulgarity). I know I have to leave, I forgave one years ago before we were committed so I chalked it to nerves etc & forgave - plus I was no angel myself before the plunge.

Now I feel such pain, I never knew existed. I can barely function, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and hide.

How do cope? How do heal? How do leave? I have loved 2 men in my life but this man I honestly felt he was my other half. I am physically ill over this.

I know I need to leave but how? how do you move on? I really can't believe this is happening it is utterly surreal.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I have no advice just

 

[disneyismyname]

So sorry. Take it one day at a time.

 

[MissyDVC]

So sorry for your pain

 

[luvmy3]

I'm so sorry

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry for your pain.

Check out this site for support, no matter what you decide to do.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm sorry.

 

[kellyg403]

Many hugs for you! It is hard to have forgiven once and for it to happen again. I was in a similar situation. I was more mad at myself for forgiving the first time than it happening the second time. I kept thinking I was stupid to believe ANYTHING this person said to me. I was devastated because not only did I love the person, but I believed he would never do it again.

Wallow for a few days. Its o.k. Sometimes you have too. Normal part of the process I believe. Then get back up and get back to life the best you can. Deal with your dh as you can. Seek help from someone you can talk to. When you get angry, you will be ANGRY! The kind of angry you won't be accustomed to. You will want to have a sounding board to get you through whether it be a counselor or clergy or a bff. You really can't go this alone, honestly. I tried because at first I was embarrassed. I thought people would think I had something to with it, I did something wrong etc. So I tried for a long time to just pretend I could deal. I couldn't though.

Whether you decide to work it out or separate or divorce you can only answer yourself. You are the only person you have to worry about. I personally think each person has to make the individual choice to decide to stay or leave. Leaving wont be easy but living with him will be far harder while you are making decisions. And you have to eventually start making decisions. If you decide to stay, marriage counseling FOR SURE. You will have to let go and not judge your dh on this action, learn to trust him again and he will have to learn that takes a long time. Very damaging to a marriage.

Many hugs to you. Its o.k. to cry, and you will work through it and come out stronger on the other side. One of the hardest things I ever did in my life was walk away from my marriage. Regardless of anything, I loved him and I loved our family. I wanted an intact family for my children. But, I realized I didn't want that at ANY cost..some costs were too high.

Kelly

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm so sorry. You must be in so much pain right now.

I don't think you need to decide anything right away. In fact, I think it's best you didn't. Make sure you are doing what you feel is right and what you need to do, not what you think others think you should do.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I know I need to leave but how? how do you move on? I really can't believe this is happening it is utterly surreal.

Don't do anything right now, just lay low. Visit the surviving infidelity website that was quoted to you above. It is an excellent site. Good luck.

 

[Feckless]

I deal with this every day in my work, and have for the last 16 years. The common thread that I see with people being able to get past this is almost 100% about how the other person is afterwards. Remorse, remorse, remorse... Also, was it only physical? Was there any other contact between them, either before or after? It's the emotional affairs that are almost impossible to forgive, from my observations.

I would also like to know how he was in the position to cheat in this way. Does he go out with his buddies drinking? Did his buddies cover for him? If so, to move past that would have to END. Period. He will have to be a completely open book for as long as it would take for you to move on.

Forgiving the first infidelity of course factors into it, but if it was from before you were married and you both had some immature behaviour, I wouldn't necessarily call this a pattern. That would also depend on how long ago it was.

You surely have my sympathy. Don't do anything rash. Ride out the hurt and anger, see how he behaves in the upcoming days (to me, if he blames YOU in any way, that's a BAD sign. He has to take full responsibility for you to be able to move forward.) Do counselling, counselling, and more counselling.

All the best...

 

[snapppyd]

I'm sorry he's being such a jerk. Take care of yourself and know it is not your fault. I know someone who is going through the same thing.

 

[kellyg403]

Don't do anything right now, just lay low. Visit the surviving infidelity website that was quoted to you above. It is an excellent site. Good luck.

I agree with this. Just tae care of you for awhile, and any children involved. Worry about where you are going or not going later.

Kelly

 

[MrsDuck]

No advice, just .

 

[bellarella]

First, I am so sorry.

Second, you say you found out he is "cheating" but then say that it was a drunken hook-up. I see a really big difference between the two. While I would be incredibly hurt if my DH slept with someone, I also think that we have enough history and love between us that we could survive if it was one case of incredibly bad judgment.

You say you have to leave, but I wouldn't make any decisions now. Was the incident in the past a single episode? Were you in a really committed relationship then (from what you wrote, it sounds like there may have been degree of working out boundaries on both sides then)? If this is a pattern, then I think the answer is clear. But if you are talking about a single incident from the past when neither or you were really ready for a truly committed relationship, I would not be too quick to draw a connection between the two incidents.

Give yourself some time to figure out what you want to do. Don't make any decisions now. Don't be pressured. And don't feel that there is a reaction that you have to have. Relationships are personal. You have to do what works for you.

 

[sweetdana]

Breathe, take it a day at a time, and you don't have to leave, it is a choice. You have a choice to make, and don't make it in 1 day.

Give it a few weeks and see how you feel. You may leave, and you may forgive him.

Agree with PP.. it is not in a pattern yet, and if he is willing to give up drinking, and hanging at the bar seems like it could work if you wanted it to.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I was searching to find a book I like and found this link. It has some good information.

And here is the book I was looking for.

 

[mickeyboat]

Agree with PP.. it is not in a pattern yet, and if he is willing to give up drinking, and hanging at the bar seems like it could work if you wanted it to.

For many reasons, and because everyone deals with betrayal differently, a one night thing can hurt just as much as a long-term affair.

 

[cathyce2]

Okay another long time DISer gone anonymous for this brief moment. I just need to get this out. In time I will add this info in my real life dis name but for now........

I am destroyed, I just found out that my DH has been chearting. It was not a longtime affair just a drunken ( I want to use vulgarity). I know I have to leave, I forgave one years ago before we were committed so I chalked it to nerves etc & forgave - plus I was no angel myself before the plunge.

Now I feel such pain, I never knew existed. I can barely function, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and hide.

How do cope? How do heal? How do leave? I have loved 2 men in my life but this man I honestly felt he was my other half. I am physically ill over this.

I know I need to leave but how? how do you move on? I really can't believe this is happening it is utterly surreal.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is a pain of betrayal that only can be understood by those who have dealt with it. My advice is to:

1 - consult an attorney. Whether you separate or stay together there is comfort in knowing what to expect. Find out how the process works in your state. See if there is anything you should be doing to protect your financial stability while this plays out.

2 - consult a family counselor. Look for one who is experienced with singles, couples, children, family counseling. Right now you don't know what you need so make an appointment for yourself. Later you may want to consider couples counseling or counseling for any children if you divorce. It's nice to have one therapist who can be with you for the whole ride.

3 - confide in someone. a close friend, a family member, a church member, someone you can call in the middle of the night who will lend a shoulder and an ear.

4 - visit survivinginfidelity.com as a pp suggested. There is a ton of great information on the site and some really great folks who have been through it all. I don't know how I would have made it thru without them.

5 - do something! If you have kids keep the day to day as normal as you possibly can. Then get out of the house. Work out, go shopping, participate in a hobby, whatever you like to do. It's easy to let the weight of his betrayal crush you. Any break from thinking about it will give you time and with time you will know what path is right for you and your relationship,

6 - feel free to pm me if you want to talk. I've been there, done that and am seeing light at the end of my tunnel (I hope it's not a train).

7 -